Main Hoon Na, Part 19

The former prisoners cross the border as onlookers cheer. Ram pulls himself up to his feet using Raghavan, who has a grenade attached to his jacket. Raghavan points his gun at Ram and says, “Sorry, Major.” Ram flashes back in slow motion to the shot that killed his father. His face turns angry, and he pushes Raghavan away. A helicopter approaches in the background, but it’s probably not important. Ram walks away from Raghavan, who tells him to turn around so he can shoot him properly. The helicopter hovers closer and Lucky hangs out the side. He yells at Ram to get away from the goddamn roof. Raghavan yells at Ram to turn around and take his bullet in the chest like his father. Which path will Ram choose? Ram turns around and asks Raghavan if he’s forgotten that it’s always the bad guy who dies at the end, and holds up the key from the hand grenade. Ooh, burn. Raghavan looks down at the live grenade. Ram counts down. 3…he drops the key on the roof…2…nothing happens between 2 and 1…1…Ram runs toward the helicopter and Raghavan closes his eyes. The roof starts exploding as Ram runs along it toward the helicopter. He jumps toward the helicopter and grabs Lucky’s arms.

The released prisoners wave and hug their relatives. As the helicopter hovers, Lucky tells Ram to hang on and not to be scared, because main hoon na. Ram tells him to shut up and give him a hand. Ram and Lucky scream happily, while at the India-Pakistan border, people hug. The helicopter flies off into the sunset. Put on your UV-protective sunglasses, guys!

Ram and Lucky scatter their father’s ashes into the river as their mother watches. Cut to the gymnasium, where students in gowns and mortarboards cheer. The principal welcomes them to Prom Night, Mrs. Kakkad tells him it’s Congratulations Day, then the principal welcomes them all to Convocation Day. He says that Lakshman Prasad Sharma is finally graduating, along with Major Ram Sharma. Lucky and Ram stand; Lucky doesn’t seem to be wearing anything under his robe, while Ram wears a white shirt, but has his gown unbuttoned to the navel like it’s a polyester clubbing shirt and he’s Akshay Kumar. They run up to the stage to accept their diplomas and do the Karate Kid crane move as everyone gives them a standing ovation. Everyone throws their hats in the air, because apparently no one else is receiving diplomas in the shortest graduation ceremony ever.

Song! Shah Rukh Khan swoops by on a Ferris wheel. Wheeee! That’s the song that the air is singing. Two people walk by with a banner, indicating that the singing man before us is indeed Shah Rukh Khan. He exposes his midriff. Someone reads a newspaper with a front page article and photo about Suniel Shetty. Is it Suniel Shetty? We may never know. Sushmita Sen sings that every moment is liberal and holds up the notebook that she has helpfully labeled “Sushmita Sen” with glitter pen. In the background the twins play air guitar in front of a Lay’s stand. Aw, Lays potato chips, I’m gonna miss you guys! Amrita Rao carries some heart-shaped Amrita Rao balloons. I wonder if she got them from that guy in Dil Chahta Hai. Zayed Khan skips over to some cheerleaders and shakes his imaginary pom-poms. Kirron Kher throws a ball at some Pepsi cans. Mrs. Kakkad is played by Bindu, or has stolen Bindu's umbrella. Zayed Khan wears a diving mask as Shah Rukh Khan taunts Satish Shah with a squirt gun. I wonder if he filled it with spit. Boman Irani rides the merry-go-round, wearing a Boman Irani tie, which unfortunately doesn’t have a cartoon of Boman Irani on it. Farah Khan reads a story written by Farah Khan, then tells everyone to go away.

OK, I’m going to start skipping people here. Anu Malik wears a beanie. Isn’t Farah Khan married to the editor, Shirish Kunder? Homeboy might want to rethink the mullet. Nice job dressing Shah Rukh Khan, Karan Johar, but bad choice on the white shirt with the back sweat. Hey, it’s Not Kal Penn on the Ferris Wheel! His name is Kunal Kumar, and every moment is liberal again. Percy wears a shirt that says “Stud” as he sings about the oasis of true love and gives Mini a hug. The woman who can swing her braids in opposite directions is named Geeta. “Thrills” are provided by Shah Rukh Khan. I’m not sure I want to know what that means.

Everyone jump on the trampoline! Now say hi to the spot department! Some more people dance and hold up an illegible sign. I hope they weren’t too disappointed when they saw the credits. Next time don’t use gold lettering on light blue poster board, guys. Hair and make-up is totally phoning it in. Come on, hair and make-up, shake it like the illegible sign department! The producer holds up a big check, looking anxious about his investment, then Shah Rukh Khan runs away with the check. One last shimmy with the group, and…cut!
Part 18 Home

Main Hoon Na, Part 18

Raghavan, Khan, and a few other men enter the gymnasium. Dodgeball time! Raghavan tells the others to go outside and look for Ram. When he and Khan are alone, Raghavan shoves him against a wall and asks him why he deceived him. Khan says that Raghavan is the one who deceived his men, and tells him that it’s not a personal war, dammit. Raghavan says that it’s always a personal war, then shoots Khan in the head. For personal reasons.

Cut to Indian and Pakistani flags flying over the border on a sunny day. Soldiers wait along either side of a fenced-in zone.

Back to the gymnasium. A guard tells Raghavan that he saw everyone escape while he was fixing explosives to the roof. I wonder if those could be important later. Raghavan tells him to go find Ram. College students run through the courtyard. Raghavan yells for Ram to come out, then throws a grenade in an arbitrary direction. Lucky sees the explosion through a window and wants to go back. Sanju screams for him not to go, but Lucky says that Ram’s his brother, and runs off.

Raghavan stands on a long, narrow scaffolding gangplank, shouting for Ram. Suddently lights go on all around him, and Ram appears on a nearby balcony. He tells Raghavan that sunrise is here, and Project Milaap is about to happen. The army will be here in 5 minutes to arrest Raghavan. Raghavan points his gun at Ram, but before he shoots him, they will exchange some more dialogue. Raghavan says that he could ship Ram off to meet his father right now, but he puts away his gun and says, why not wait a few minutes?

Flash back to the border. Prisoners step off of a bus adorned with a Project Milaap banner and walk toward the border, where relatives wait on the opposite side.

Back to the scaffolding runway, where Raghavan and Ram stand on opposite ends. Raghavan cracks every joint in his hands and neck. Ram flexes his bicep. They approach each other in the center of the gangplank, presumably to begin a reasoned political dialogue. Oh, my mistake, they’re going to beat the crap out of each other. They block each other’s punches. Ram tries to sweep the leg, but Raghavan jumps over him. Try the crane move! With the woop woop noises! Ram almost falls, but grabs two nearby poles. He punches Raghavan in the chest, then swings and misses. Raghavan punches Ram, who falls to his knees, but then levitates and kicks Raghavan in the face. Raghavan cracks his neck joints again, then kicks Ram into some nearby flimsy wood, which flies apart. Then he cracks his neck again and beats Ram up some more. Go for the creaky neck, Ram!

Two army men open up the border gates, which are locked with a single rusty padlock. Lucky runs along a road toward a helicopter, telling the captain to hurry up. Ram and Raghavan fight some more. Ram punches Raghavan and looks like he’s about to rip out his heart, but actually he only catches his fist between Raghavan’s shoulder and his bad neck. They do some backflippy-type moves. Neck crack! The music gets faster, and Ram does a bicycle kick on Raghavan’s chin. Two doves show up, perhaps the doves of This Fight Being Almost Over. Raghavan kicks Ram, who spins around in the air as the doves fly around him.

Gen. Bakshi and a Pakistani general, Mohammed Ibrahim, meet in the middle of the two fences and shake hands, congratulating each other on Project Milaap. Ram and Raghavan are still fighting. How about I just take a little nap until they finish fighting and let you know how it turns out? Ah, that was nice. They beat each other up some more, then Raghavan says that their five minutes are up, and calls a time out. What the fuck? I just recapped all that for nothing? Raghavan pulls out his gun, points it at Ram, and says he’s leaving. He says that it’s time for Ram to meet his father, and that the countdown has begun. 3…Ram notices a rope lying on the ground….2…Ram looks at the rope…1…Ram pulls the rope, which is attached by a pulley to the scaffolding that Raghavan is standing on. The scaffolding shifts, knocking Raghavan off-balance. Ram dives 30 feet toward Raghavan and pushes him another 10 feet through a window and onto the roof.
Part 17 Part 19

Main Hoon Na, Part 17

The college exterior. Khan drags Ram’s limp body outside and leans it against a pillar. Khan says, “Major Ram?” Khan, Ram's dead, you silly! Ram starts breathing again. Oops, my bad. Khan removes Ram’s handcuffs, and Ram takes off the fashionable jean jacket to reveal a bullet-proof vest. Khan says that he is fighting for his country and tells Ram to fufill the promise that he made to his mother. He says that he may not meet Ram again, wishes him peace, and then walks off into the night. I wonder where he’s going. My guess is he's going to go check out some job listings on Monster.

Raghavan’s voice echoes in a hallway from the principal’s office. He says to someone that they will stay there until Project Milaap is cancelled. He’s talking to Khan, who has apparently decided that it isn’t worth quitting his job just yet. Raghavan tells Khan to shoot the kids. Now might be a good time for Khan to consider the exciting opportunities that a career in Agricultural Feed Supply has to offer.

Gymnasium. The hostages continue to sit on the floor and look distressed. A door opens, and Ram stands in the doorway, looking into the gymnasium and making no effort to conceal himself. The principal notices him, and shouts after him. Ram runs away before anyone else can see. A guard tells the principal that Major Ram is dead, and to shut up. The principal calls him a murderer and says in English, “You are a very bad man!” I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a Babu Bhatt reference, but if so, it seems rather poorly-timed. The guard tells another guard, Captain Roy, to check outside. He goes to the doorway, peeks outside without setting foot outside the door, and says there’s no one there. Captain Roy goes back to tell the first guard, Captain Mahesh, that no one is there, but when he pokes him, Captain Mahesh falls over. Because he’s dead! Captain Roy leans against a pillar, and someone on the other side twirls a length of cable and throws it around the pillar. It flies swooping around Captain Roy’s neck and back to Ram, who pulls both ends to choke and instantaneously kill him. Ram walks into the gymnasium, illuminated by a bolt of lightning. Everyone stands up in unison and rushes to greet him as sappy music plays, punctuated by a harp glissando. Lucky hangs back from the crowd, and Ram approaches him as the rest of the hostages get the fuck out of the gymnasium before some more terrorists arrive.

Except Percy, who picks up a gun off of one of the dead guards. Vivek approaches him, looking startled, and Percy pretends to shoot him. Good one, Percy. Lucky and Ram stare at each other meaningfully. Percy and Vivek argue. Disco music erupts as another guard runs in and tries to take the gun from Percy. Ram sees them from across the room and does the “Gori gori” 20-foot knee-slide toward them. Percy throws him the gun, and Ram slides under the guard’s legs, turns around, and shoots him. Raghavan hears the gunshot from the principal’s office and tries to contact the guards. First he calls Captain Roy, who is now Captain Rai according to the subtitles, then Mahesh. He rolls his eyes, then leaves the office with Khan.

The hostages flee the building. Ram tells everyone to leave, but remains behind, as Ms. Chandni, Sanju, and Lucky hesitate. Ram tells Lucky that he has to do something for his father, but for Lucky to go with the others. As they hesitate and look back at one another in slow motion, a dove flies into the courtyard. I think it’s the dove of Fullfilling Your Destiny. Ram motions for them to leave, gazing nobly at them as the dove flies around some more. Finally, Ms. Chandni, Sanju, and Lucky leave, as Ram removes an empty cartridge from his gun and walks away determinedly.
Part 16 Part 18

Main Hoon Na, Part 16

Interrogation room, where a silhouetted Khan is bathed in light from a 10,000 watt bulb. Ram tells Khan that Pakistan is reciprocating India’s offer and wants peace as well. Khan looks at Ram in surprise. Peace? Who the hell wants that? Ram asks what Raghavan can gain by killing innocent children, and Khan says that Raghavan just wants what’s best for his country. Ram says that Raghavan can do nothing for his country, and that Raghavan mistakenly believes that his son was killed in Kashmir by Pakistanis, when in reality, he was killed by terrorists like Khan. Did anyone happen to mention that to Raghavan? And does this mean that there’s a Mrs. Raghavan? Khan says that Ram is lying, and Ram says that Raghavan is lying. If only Mrs. Raghavan were here to settle this. Ram tells Khan that tomorrow he will have to choose between serving his country and serving Raghavan. I guess choosing today wouldn't really make things any easier, logistically speaking.

At the army barracks, Ram marches Khan along a balcony, where naturally he runs into Mrs. Sharma. Ram tells her that she lost her home and her husband because of him, but he won’t let her lose her son. As Ram walks away, she turns to him with tears in her eyes, and tells him that she wants both her sons back. Say yes, Ram, say yes! Ram nods vigorously as she touches his cheek, then he walks away. She sighs tearfully as the rest of the army men follow Ram, thinking that they should probably go call their moms.

Cut to a helicopter, which Ram and several other men approach purposefully. One of them removes Khan’s handcuffs and places them on Ram. Don’t forget the lube! Ram holds up his cuffed hands and looks at Khan intensely. Khan nods and they enter the helicopter.

Raghavan gazes at the arriving helicopter through binoculars as choral music plays. Khan shoves Ram into the gymnasium and forces him to kneel in front of Raghavan. Ram is wearing a blue denim jacket with camouflage sleeves in a stylish example of Indian Army-issued casualwear. Ram asks Raghavan to let the hostages go and says that Pakistan has agreed to release the Indian prisoners. Raghavan whines, “Yeah, yeah, I heard,” sounding as though Ram has just told him for the third time that he can’t play video games until he finishes his homework. Raghavan thinks that this sort of naivete will destroy the country. Ram says that people like Raghavan are what's destroying the country, with their hatred and bloodlust, but that in time there will be peace and friendship with Pakistan. He forgets to mention the making out. Raghavan says no, there will be no friendship with Pakistan, only war, until Pakistan is destroyed. He talks about how his son was killed by Pakistanis, as Khan stands behind him, looking conflicted. Ram says that Raghavan is becoming the person he hates, and Khan becomes animated and tells Ram to shut up. As Ram continues his speech, talking about the innocent lives that Raghavan has taken away, Khan punches him, knocking him down. Ram keeps talking about how Project Milaap will continue, while Khan picks him up off the ground and punches him again. As Ram keeps giving his monologue and Khan keeps punching him, the hostages gasp and look concerned, wondering why Ram isn't making the causal connection between talking and getting punched. Ram says that he has won, that Project Milaap will continue. Khan pulls out his gun and presses it against Ram’s forehead. Raghavan yells at Khan not to shoot, and Khan hesistates for ten ultra-tense minutes. He lowers the gun, then shoots Ram in the arm and the chest. Ram flies backwards ten feet in slow motion as the hostages scream and rise to their feet. Lucky rushes toward Ram, who for a moment levitates four feet above the ground in a perfectly horizontal position with his arms clasped together in front of his chest. He looks a bit like a thirteen-year-old girl playing “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” at a slumber party, except that instead of being dropped, flailing, by giggling seventh-graders who move on to freezing each other’s underwear, he sinks slowly and stiffly to the floor with an odd clunk. Ignore that last sentence if you’ve never been to a thirteen-year-old girl’s slumber party. The camera racks focus from Lucky’s eyes, wide open in shock, to Ram’s closed eyes.
Part 15 Part 17


Main Hoon Na, Part 15

The camera pans over the empty canteen, where leftover trash and glasses of Pepsi remain on the picnic benches. When Ram is gone, even the sparkling taste of Pepsi seems somehow flat. On the train, Ram’s cell phone rings. He says, “Yes, Sir? What?” then hops off the train. Cut to a grainy video of Sanju looking defiant as an off-camera voice instructs her to look at her father, who is watching the video with Ram in an office. The voice asks Gen. Bakshi, who I just now realized I’ve been calling Gen. Singh for this whole recap (shit!), if he is willing to sacrifice Sanjana, Lucky, Percy, and everyone else in the college for Project Milaap. Why are these terrorists always singling out Percy? Maybe something about him touches their Inner Nerd? The speaker says that Project Milaap is finished, and that he has a few additional demands, including Khan’s release, a helicopter, and his favorite student, Major Ram. That’s quite an elaborate sex fantasy that the kidnapper’s setting up for himself, right there. The camera turns around to reveal …Raghavan! In his terrorist hat and wifebeater! Ram looks at the TV screen and takes a moment to process the image. Cut to a black and white montage of Ram’s favorite wacky moments with Professor Raghavan. Raghavan’s first day! The prom! That time Raghavan revealed Ram’s secret identity to Lucky and Mrs. Sharma! Ram looks mildly annoyed at the situation.

The school gymnasium, where everyone from the college sits on the floor as lightning flashes through the window. The principal, wearing a Bart Simpson tie, comforts a sobbing Not Kal Penn. Other people comfort each other in various combinations as Raghavan gives orders to his men.

A newscaster on a television screen announces that Pakistan has agreed to reciprocate by returning Indian P.O.W.’s as well. At a press conference, a Pakistani official announces that Pakistan is not too cold to accept India’s warm hand, and that he only wishes that Pakistan had made the first move. Let the groping begin! Gen. Bakshi nee Singh, falsely assuming that Raghavan is rational, concludes that now Raghavan will have to release the hostages. Raghavan tells the General that Pakistan can do what it wants, but they will not release the enemy. He says that he hopes that Khan is near the helicopter and Ram is tied up, because he’s in a hurry to either kill some people or have some kinky sex. Raghavan orders the men back to their stations and tells the hostages that they are expecting guests. Ms. Chandni looks concerned. I guess she forgot to bring her zebra print robe and milky cotton balls.

Gen. Bakshi sighs and picks up the telephone. He tells whoever is on the other end that Project Milaap is being indefinitely postponed. The camera pans over to Ram, standing in the foreground and looking defiant. He tells the General that they can’t do this, but Bakshi tells him that right now, a mother is waiting for her son, and tomorrow, more will be waiting for their children. Cut to a nearby room, where Lucky’s mom waits. Way to turn metaphor into literal representation, there, guys! Ram says that this isn’t about ten Indians or ten Pakistanis, it’s about thousands of soldiers, it’s about all of us in all countries, and how we should just stop fighting and go to Pizza Hut for some peace, love, understanding and pizza. The General says that he understands, but that maybe they need to wait a bit longer for a rapprochement. Ram retorts that if they don’t accept Pakistan’s gesture now, they may be choosing fifty more years of hostility. The General asks him what he’s supposed to do about the hostages, and Ram tells him not to worry because he’ll take care of it in a vague and unspecified manner. Lucky’s mom stares at Ram from the other room, worried but hopeful.
Part 14
Part 16


Main Hoon Na, Part 14

Ram returns home. He opens the gate, then pauses to look up at the sky and tell his father to keep on watching. Why? Is there going to be another dance sequence? Because those last two were awesome. He says that this time his mother will accept him, and so will Lucky. Then Ram lifts up his arms and does Lucky's Karate Kid crane move with the “woop woop” noises, because that always cracks his dead father up. No, seriously, that's what he does. Then he enters the house, where Lucky and his mom are sitting stock still on the couch in front of a gusty window. Dramatic drumbeat! Ram says hello, and Lucky rolls his eyes while his mother remains silent. Ram says that he has something to tell them. They seem less than enthused. “Ram?” a voice calls out behind him. It’s Raghavan, sitting right behind Ram in a really high-backed chair. He asks Ram if he’s Shehkar Sharma’s son. Busted! Raghavan tells Ram that he and Shekhar Sharma were college buddies, and asks him for Gen. Sharma's address or contact number, the Hindi term for which seems to be “number-wumber.” Lucky and his mom stare coldly at Ram, who is not forthcoming with the number-wumber. Raghavan notices the tense vibe and asks Ram if something is wrong. Raghavan says that it looks like he came at the wrong time, so he says good-bye and leaves. Always so polite, that Raghavan.

Mrs. Sharma and Lucky avoid eye contact with Ram, then finally turn to look at him. He starts to say that he was just about to tell them who he is, but Lucky tells him to shut up. Ram tells Mrs. Sharma that he hopes that she can understand why he acted the way he did. Lucky tries to interrupt, but his mother tells him to let Ram speak and asks him why he hid his identity from them. She asks if he expected them to accept him and forget the last 20 years that she spent like a widow, years that will never return. She asks if he thought that if he took her to the temple once, everything would be made right again. Ram says no. Good answer, Ram! She says that wounds twenty years deep don’t get filled in twenty days, and tells Ram to tell his father that she and Lucky don’t need him anymore; they’re used to living without him. She says that Gen. Sharma’s penance will be that he has to live apart from them and die without seeing their faces. Wow, it’s like she's psychic or something. She tells Ram to pack his things and leave. Ram gets up and goes to his bedroom. Lucky throws something at the sofa and yells “Shit! Goddamn it!” in a tour de force bit of acting.

Ram comes back with his bags and the urn and heads for the door. Mrs. Sharma asks him to wait a minute and then asks him why he did all of this. Oh yeah, she never actually let him answer the question. Once you get Mrs. Sharma going about her husband's infidelity, it’s kind of hard to shut her up. He tells her that he came there to fulfill his father’s last wish. Lucky and Mrs. Sharma are all, “His what wish now? Oh shit.” Ram tells them that they were right about his father’s penance. He says that his father loved them a lot, and wanted Lucky to help Ram scatter his ashes. Ram says that all he wanted was to unite his family, even though he knew that he wouldn’t be accepted, and that he’s sorry. He looks at them plaintively and says “Bye,” pauses for a moment so they have an opening to stop him, which they don't, then walks out the door. Lucky and his mom collapse into sobs in front of the fireplace. Later Lucky lies on his bed and cries as his mother looks at old photographs of Gen. Sharma in another room.

College quad. Everyone has gathered in a semicircle to bid Ram good-bye. Percy gives him a bouquet, Mini gives him some lipstick, and Mrs. Kakkad gives him the Bill Cosby sweater she’s been knitting. The principal goes to high five Ram, but salutes instead. A song plays about bonds being broken. Like when hydrocarbons are broken down during combustion. Thanks Ms. Chandni! Sanju starts crying and gives Ram a hug. Ms. Chandni watches him from a far away gate. Cut to the train station, where a train approaches as Ram and Ms. Chandni wait on a bench. Ram leaves as Ms. Chandni remains seated and looks sad. I hope she got his email address.
Part 13 Part 15

Main Hoon Na, Part 13

Ms. Chandni, having apparently driven home without incident, given herself a perm, and changed into a sheer, flowy, zebra-print robe, emerges from a hallway. She carries a tray of cotton balls and a bowl of something that looks like milk over to Ram, who is sitting on the bed. Ms. Chandni dips a cotton ball in the milk, dabs Ram’s chest with it, and then blows on his chest. Mmmm, evaporated milk. She confirms that he is in the army and not a student, then dabs his neck and breathes on it. Ram seems pleased with the medical attention he is receiving. Ms. Chandni nuzzles his nose with her nose, tells him “Happy Teachers Day!” then gives him a kiss on the corner of his mouth in celebration of the momentous holiday. Ram says, “Thank you, sir. Uh, ma’m.” They giggle at the thought of some military-style discipline from Ms. Chandni.

Raghavan is in the principal’s office. Perhaps the principal is giving him detention for killing people indiscriminately. Ram knocks and the principal tells him to come in. As Ram takes a seat, Raghavan tells the principal that they should congratulate him on his successful mission. The principal asks if Ram has finally found Lakshman Prasad Sharma, and sinister music suddenly starts playing as Ram watches Raghavan blowing on his tea. OH MY GOD, RAGHAVAN’S GOING TO BURN HIS TONGUE! SAVE HIM, RAM! Uh, sorry, false alarm. Ram says he’s talking about Sanjana Bakshi, Gen. Bakshi’s daughter. Ram stands up and asks the principal if he can make a request, and the principal tells Ram, “Feel free to speak, jawan.” According to the subtitles, “jawan” is Hindi for “Maximus.” Ram tells him that he would like to stay at the college a bit longer, but wants it to be a secret. Raghavan continues to hang out and leaf through some papers. The principal looks pointedly at Raghavan, who says that he is happy to keep a secret. After Ram leaves, Raghavan asks the principal if Lakshman Sharma is Lucky, and the principal nods and explains that Ram is a distant relative, and is trying to track him down.

Raghavan, outside, is on a cell phone. He tells the person on the other end that he has 6 hours to find out what the relationship between Ram and Lakshman Prasad Sharma is. I hope he doesn’t find a video of Ram and Lucky singing “Main Hoon Na,” or he might incorrectly assume that Ram and Lucky are lovers.

Ms. Chandni sits with Ram on her porch and asks him when he’s going to reveal his identity to Mrs. Sharma. Ram says that he wants to, but he is nervous. Cut to Raghavan, who is back at the Terrorist Lair, where he has changed from his smart-looking kurta into an olive green wifebeater and hat, comfort and practicality being paramount when planning vigilante assassination attempts. He flips through the research that his intern has uncovered about Ram and Lucky, which includes a photo of post-haircut Lucky, a picture of Gen. Sharma, his wife, and infant son, and a photo of Gen. Sharma and Ram in uniform. Raghavan figures out that Ram and Lucky are step-brothers, then says, “Sweeet…” in an oddly Cartman-esque tone of voice.

Back to Ms. Chandni and Ram on the porch. Ms. Chandni asks Ram what will happen if Lucky and his Mom find out from someone else that Ram is his stepbrother, and they conclude that Ram has deliberately deceived them. And just how on earth could something like that happen? Ms. Chandni tells Ram that once they know who he is, they’ll love him even more. Because he’ll always remind them of those happy times when their husband and father was having sex with some other chick! Cut to Raghavan, who waves a gun around, tells his men to get ready for action, then sticks his gun down his pants. He says that tomorrow Ram will leave for a long exile.
Part 12 Part 14


Main Hoon Na, Part 12

The band grooves to some slow jams as Ms. Chandni bids the flirting principal and Ms. Kakkad good night. Raghavan approaches and compliments Ms. Chandni on her dancing. She says, “Thank you. Good night,” and starts to walk away, kind of bitchily. I guess maybe she’s getting the crazy child murderer vibe off of him. Or she's just not that into him. Raghavan asks her how she’s getting home, and she says that she’s a big girl and will drive herself home. Raghavan says that someone should at least escort her to her car, and when Ms. Chandni tells him not to trouble himself, he says that he was talking about Ram. He calls Ram over and tells him to walk Ms. Chandni to her car. I hope this isn’t part of an evil plan of some sort. Ram is reluctant, but notices everyone else at the dance getting all couple-y and figures, what the hell. After they leave, Raghavan speaks into his transmitter, telling the men in the hijacked jeep that the target is approaching. Ooh, good, I love Target. When it opens, Raghavan can get himself a nice Michael Graves teakettle.

Ms. Chandni apologizes to Ram for having to escort her, while Ram smells her sari pallu. He says it’s his duty, (to escort her, not to smell her clothes. I assume.) and she asks him where he learned to dance so well. He should show her the dance montage. He starts to tell her that he feels out of place whenever he’s around her, but she says, “Oh, no, not again” and walks away from him. She gets in her car, which is parked in front of the hijacked jeep, then asks Ram if he will drive her home. This woman is all about the mixed signals. Suddenly a guy pops up in the front seat and drives her away, running over Ram in the process. Ram rolls over the top of the car and lands on his feet, then takes out his gun, but has to jump out of the way when the terrorist jeep pulls out to follow.

Ram takes a shortcut by tumbling down a hill that looks strikingly similar to the hill he cut through on the bicycle rickshaw. Watch out for the exploding gasoline containers and bamboo trucks! At the bottom of the hill, Ram reaches the road ahead of the fleeing cars and pulls out his gun. The cars are still approaching, so he re-adjusts his jacket. Then he aims the gun at the men in the jeep, shooting them both. Their car careens into a road sign, flips over, and explodes in front of Ms. Chandni’s car, which gradually slows to a stop in a rather non-dramatic fashion. The terrorist steps out, holding Ms. Chandni hostage. He tells Ram to put down his gun, or he’ll shoot Ms. Chandni. Ram points the gun, which has a helpful laser pointer attachment, at Ms. Chandni’s forehead, then slowly scans down her chest, then lingers lovingly for a moment on her stomach, then moves a bit lower to her hips, then -- I know Ms. Chandni’s hot, but seriously, Ram, take a cold shower or something. Finally, Ram shoots Ms. Chandni between the legs, and Ms. Chandni and the terrorist are both like, what the fuck? The terrorist pulls away, and Ram shoots him, as Ms. Chandni realizes that Ram’s shot didn’t hit her, only the luxurious folds of her sari. Ms. Chandni is speechless. Ram smiles coolly and says, “Sorry about the sari. Ma’am.” Nothing like a goofy pun to cap off an evening of killing people and ruining saris. “It’s no problem,” Ms. Chandni squeaks, as Ram leaves her to fend for herself among the dead or wounded terrorists.

Raghavan drives Lucky and Sanju home. He drops off Lucky at his house, and tells Sanju that she can get out and say good-bye to him if she wants. Lucky and Sanju kiss on the cheek, then Sanju gets back in the car. They run into Ram on the road; he jumps in the car, waving the gun around, and asks Raghavan to take him to the hostel. They pull into the hostel, where Gen. Singh is waiting for them with a bunch of guys with guns. Raghavan coughs uncomfortably because he just peed his pants a little bit. Sanju gets out of the car and hugs her father. She says she sorry, then he says, no, he’s sorry, then she says, no she’s sorry, and then I say I’m sorry that I just had to recap that last bit of dialogue.

Ram adjusts something on his gun and thanks Raghavan for dropping him off at the hostel. Raghavan notices his gun-adjusting and asks him if he’s in the army. Ram extends his hand and says, “Major Ram, sir.” Shouldn’t that be “Major Sharma?” Or is everyone in the Indian Army on a first name basis? Raghavan tells him that the country is in good hands, then drives away. Sanju gives her father a confused look, and he explains that he sent Ram for her protection. Ram winks and Sanju gasps in disbelief.
Part 11 Part 13


Main Hoon Na, Part 11

Terrorist Lair. Raghavan tells his men that he’s going to the prom. I hope he has his outfit all picked out. Maybe he’ll ask out Ms. Chandni! OMG they would be such a cute couple! He tells them that this time, their plan will work, because he has a transmitter. A transmitter, people!

Back to college. Ram looks embarrassed, and he admits to everyone that he can’t go to the prom because he doesn’t know how to dance. Wait, so all that stuff before with the swans and the dancing and the ass-checking-out didn’t actually happen? They must have been totally wasted if they don't remember that. I guess they had one of those nights where they all had a little too much tequila, and suddenly they were dancing on top of lotus flowers and releasing doves and blowing up desks, and the next day they all woke up, like, “Dude, I’m never drinking again.”

Everyone is shocked that Ram can’t dance, but Lucky tells Ram to show them his moves. Dance montage. Ram does the mime-in-a-box thing, then stirs the pot. He pulls himself along an imaginary rope, then does a strange flamingo-like dance. Now he’s with Lucky, who busts out some hip-hop moves. Tango with Sanju. Dorkiness with Percy, who smacks him upside the head. Something bharatnatyam-ish with Not Kal Penn. Booty-shaking with Lucky. Writhing with Mini. Some Rockette-style kicks with the cheerleaders, who kick him on alternating ass cheeks. Ms. Chandni watches from a nearby window as Ram breakdances. She waves to him and he nearly faints. Salsa with the principal and Mrs. Kakkad, the knitting teacher.

Sanju calls her Dad as Ram gives her the thumbs up. Ram and Lucky adjust each other’s bow ties in their matching black tuxes, and Lucky’s mom takes a picture. Ram tells her “Hasta la vista, baby” and kisses her cheek, while Lucky meekly and very speedily kneels, touches her feet and runs away.

The prom. The men are all in black and the women are all in red. The principal thinks it’s Sports Day. How does he still have a job? Mrs. Kakkad reminds him that it’s “Pormo Night.” Sanju, put down the damn Lays potato chips. The principal tells them that, as usual, there will be no kissing allowed on the dance floor, and adds “especially boys and boys.” Hey, that’s not fair! Well, I guess it is, kind of. I don’t know. Ms. Chandni looks at Ram, who averts his eyes. Sanju suggests that Ram ask Ms. Chandni for a dance, but Ram is afraid. Sanju, Lucky, and Percy tell him that he can’t hang out with them unless he asks her to dance. Percy smacks Ram upside the head again, and they walk away. Raghavan enters and speaks on a transmitter, telling his men that the Major is distracted and they can go ahead. Two men in bowties shoot two guys in a jeep. Blood spatters on the windshield. Time for a song!

“Everybody get down! This party’s going to town!” four guys with moptops, matching pink tuxes, and Buddy Holly glasses sing. Ow! Lucky and Sanju dance and motion for an anxious-looking Ram to join them. Ram sees Ms. Chandni and swoons. He stands up, gets a running start, then slides 20 feet across the dance floor. Nice floor polishing job, custodial staff! Ms. Chandni gasps. Ram takes a deep breath, then blurts out the opening words to the song. “Gori gori gori gori, gori gori...” Everyone cheers! Ram, Lucky and some extras flap their arms around, then do the twist. Now it’s the girls’ turn. Ram and Lucky hop on one foot, do some kicks, then kneel in front of Ms. Chandni and Sanju, who dance around their heads and ruffle their hair as Lucky and Ram wiggle around to the beat and then faint. The principal sings with the band. Tootie Fruity So Rooty! The couples hold hands and dance around in circles. Raghavan wanders around by the drinks table and broods. Don’t be a wallflower, Raghavan, show us those hot dance moves you used to do at the terrorist parties! Everyone runs away from Ms. Kakkad, so she gets down with her bad self. The principal crawls after her. Dancers shimmy from side to side in the background.

Hey, it’s the drummer’s crotch! Lucky and Sanju do Jazz Hands. Sanju dances in a circle around Lucky as he shimmies with a dorky expression on his face. Lucky picks her up and we get an aerial shot of her cleavage as men lie in a circle on the floor and kick their legs together and apart. Ram dances with the women as Ms. Chandni dances with the men, then they slide across the room and dance together. The twins wear white, rather than black or red, because they chafe at the idea of rigidly-defined gender roles. The women dance around the men’s heads again. The band rocks out. Everyone stands in a circle as Ram kneels and does some kicks. Lucky does a backflip. Mini shimmies. Vivek pumps his fists like a dorky dad. Percy sticks his ass out. A woman spins her two braids in opposite directions. Lucky does a split. The principal collapses from exhaustion.

The band leader tells us to get down, because this party’s going to town again. But we just got back from town! Everyone jumps in the air. The principal falls on his ass. Balloons! Slo-mo dancing. Ram and Ms. Chandni fall into each others’ arms and Ram kisses her cheek. Lucky decides to quit smoking for Sanju, and flicks his cigarette away on the middle of the dance floor. Dude, you’re going to light someone’s sari on fire. Ms. Chandni looks intrigued by the kiss and pats Ram on the cheek. Ram wipes his cheek and then smells it. Mmmm, hand smell. Percy and Mini bump into each other, and immediately fall in like. End of slo-mo. Ram runs backwards, then in place, then twists, then comes back to where he started. More big crowd shots. The principal almost slips and falls, but Ms. Kakkad helps him. Ms. Chandni pops Ram’s balloon. Lucky and Sanju dance. Percy macks on Mini, but Vivek grabs him by the collar and punches him.
Part 10 Part 12

Main Hoon Na, Part 10

Daytime. Lucky stands on a balcony and wistfully watches Percy and the nerdy guy from the library messing around with a scooter and wearing Thermoses around their necks. Ram asks Lucky what he’s looking at, and he says, “The luckiest guy in college.” It’s OK, Lucky, I’ll get you a Thermos. You can put some coffee in it! Sanju stops by the balcony, and Lucky looks flustered and walks away. Sanju says that Lucky must really miss his dad, so Ram gives a big speech about how at least she has the choice to talk to her father, and how, deep inside, he’s probably a scared little girl too, because we always fear those we love the most. It makes more sense when he says it.

Extreme close-up of Prof. Rasai on the phone, trying arrange a hook-up with some married woman and spitting all over the glass of the phone booth, which has pictures of Rani Mukherjee pasted all over it. Some terrorists knock on the door, then shove a gun in his mouth and take him away. Cut to Lucky, smoking in his room. Ram walks in and asks him what he’s getting his mom for her birthday. Lucky forgot again. Lucky bends over and tells Ram to kick him in the ass because he deserves it. Ram kicks him in the ass. Lucky asks Ram to help him think of something for his mother. How about a Thermos? Or maybe an urn with her husband’s ashes in it? Ram has an idea.

Morning, the next day. Lucky’s mom prepares to worship, but then sees something and drops her tray in surprise. It’s Lucky! With a haircut! He hands her his leftover hair with a ribbon tied around it and tells her that he loves her. My birthday’s coming up soon; I'm hoping that someone gives me some skanky hair tied up with a ribbon, too. She gives Lucky a hug and notices Ram standing in the doorway. She mouths “Thank you” to him, and he looks teary and wishes her a happy birthday.

Physics class. The principal enters, wearing a subdued Looney Tunes tie. He tells the class that he has good news and bad news. The bad news is that Prof. Rasai has resigned. The class cheers! No more spit! The principal claps, too, then remembers that he’s supposed to be sad. The good news is that Prof. Rasai has sent a replacement himself. It’s nice that the college goes through such a rigorous screening process when hiring new faculty. The class boos, but the principal tells them to welcome Prof. Raghav Datta. Badass metal music plays as Raghavan enters, disguised with some dorky glasses. Ram look suspicious, wondering what kind of physics professor has badass electric guitar entrance music. Richard Feynman, that’s who! And also Raghavan. Raghavan asks the students to call him by his first name, and tells them that he is sympathetic to their youthful perspective. Raghavan notices Ram and asks why he’s so old and still in college. St. Paul’s should really be more welcoming to mature students. Sanju starts to explain on behalf of Ram, but Raghavan tells her to shut her Lays-potato-chip-hole when her elders are speaking and insults her father. Everyone’s like, “Whoa, this dude’s totally bipolar.” Lucky stands up for Sanju, so Raghavan turns to him and asks him what his name is. Lucky is wearing a shirt that looks like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. He says, “Lakshman Prasad Sharma,” and everyone is shocked. SHOCKED. Raghavan tells Lucky to sit down, but wants Ram to remain standing. He tells Ram that he seems intelligent and disciplined, and he wonders whether Ram has taught the other students anything. He tells the class that now they will learn everything, and have fun, too! It’ll be like Dead Poets Society, except with a terrorist instead of Robin Williams.

The only hallway in the school. Sanju complains to Lucky about the new professor, and Lucky tells her to chill. Sanju compliments Lucky on his new haircut. Lucky stammers for a moment, then asks Sanju to the prom, which banners indicate is coming soon. Percy looks up from the Nancy Drew book that he’s reading. Sanju tells Lucky that she’s already going with Percy, and Lucky tells her that that’s cool. Some dude with a streak of bleached hair that’s almost in a mohawk pattern but not quite asks Lucky if he wants to buy a prom ticket, but Lucky says he’s not going. Fake bleached mohawk guy is bummed. Percy looks thoughtful, and approaches Sanju. He tells her that he can’t go to the prom with her, because he’s getting bored with her. Plus, he doesn’t like her lipstick. All good reasons to dump her ass. Sanju looks pissed, and Percy walks away, sighing. Then he turns around and tells her sheepishly that maybe she should go with Lucky instead, and Sanju realizes that Percy is totally sensitive and awesome even though he wears a Thermos around his neck. “Better luck next time, Percy,” Percy says sadly, because Sanju isn’t attracted to him That Way.
Part 9 Part 11


Main Hoon Na, Part 9

Sanju runs into Ms. Chandni in the hallway and tells her that “it worked.” It being her ass, which she just worked to within an inch of its life. Ms. Chandni tells her that she is looking very pretty, despite the giant piece of submarine scrap metal that she is wearing around her neck. Ms. Chandni suggests that there is someone else that Sanju should thank, and they glance over at Ram, who has a giant Pepsi sticker on his locker because he is a cool dude who loves the refreshing taste of Pepsi. Inside his locker he has some soft focus glamour shots of Lays potato chips and Pizza Hut that he cut out of Stardust magazine. Sanju tries to pimp Ram out, telling Ms. Chandni that Ram is actually older than her, but Ms. Chandni admonishes her that Ram is still her student. Meanwhile, Ram gets the lime green lanyard and novelty pen that he is wearing around his neck caught in his locker. Crazy lanyard hijinks ensue.

Next Sanju bumps into Lucky in the hall. Lucky says that he wants to tell her something, but he’s not sure how to say it. Sanju says that she knows he wants to tell her that she’s looking nice today, and that he is suddently attracted to her. Sanju’s kind of setting herself up to look like an ass if it turns out that all Lucky wanted to tell her was that she has a giant booger hanging out of her nose or something. Sanju tells Lucky that she made herself over for Lucky, but that now she feels like she’s cheating him, because tomorrow when she goes back to her ugly-ass clothes and Mini shows up in her skank-wear, then what? I thought the point of a makeover was that you bought stuff that looked better than your old stuff, and then continued to wear the better-looking stuff, but maybe I’m just imposing my consumption-oriented Americanized value system on this movie. Anyway, Percy walks by, and Sanju tells Lucky that the difference between Lucky and Percy is that Percy’s feelings aren’t for Sanju’s clothes. Other that that, Lucky and Percy are basically the same person. Lucky looks surprised and confused and goes home to watch some professional wrestling. He channel surfs, then turns off the TV. Then he turns it back on two seconds later, as his mother glances at him meaningfully, because mothers can make magic parathas and tell when their sons have found and lost True Love. Ram sits next to Lucky and rubs his thigh, then asks Lucky what’s wrong. Other than Ram’s ideas about personal space. Lucky doesn’t feel like talking, and flips past a program about the army on TV. Ram asks him to go back to that channel, so Lucky does, but looks irritated and leaves the room.

Lucky’s mother tells Ram that dinner is ready, then notices that he’s watching a show on the army. She asks Ram if he’s interested in the army, and he talks about how cool army guys are, with their guns and tanks and uniforms. Oh, and the whole giving up their lives for their country thing. Lucky’s mother looks thoughtful, and flashes back to Lucky’s dad looking happy and stylin’ in his Army uniform. Lucky shows up again, putting on his jean jacket, and tells his mom that he’s going out. He notices his mother watching the TV show and looking sentimental, and switches it off, asking her why she does this to herself. He tells Ram sorry, that he’s not interested in these sorts of shows, or in the army, with their tanks and uniforms and killing people and whatnot. He says that the army and its problems can go take a hike, and that all their display and talk about patriotic duty is bullshit. Ram gets offended and tells Lakshman to speak with some respect. He talks about the sacrifices his father made so they could sleep safely at night, but Lucky responds that his father was in the army and sacrificed his family, not for his country, but so he could raise his bastard son. Well, this is awkward. Lucky’s mother tries to interrupt, but Lucky tells Ram that she hasn’t slept peacefully for twenty years because of Lucky’s father, and that it doesn’t matter to his father, because army men don’t have feelings and aren’t human beings. In fact, Ram is actually a robot. To prove that he doesn’t care, Lucky yells for his father, asking if he can hear him. I bet he can; he’s over in Ram's room, hanging out in the urn. Lucky keeps talking to his dad, asking why he doesn’t scold him for going out late at night and smoking and having bad hair. He asks if his dad loves him, or hates him, or anything. Then Lucky tells him that he hates him, and that he hates his bastard son, except that “bastard” is bleeped out and replaced with “swine” in the subtitles. Lucky leaves; Ram looks uncomfortable and tries to comfort Lucky’s mom, who is crying. He asks if they can ever forgive him, but Lucky’s mom says that it’s too late.
Part 8 Part 10


Main Hoon Na, Part 8

Ram sits at home, dreading the thought of doing his physics homework, when Lucky shows up with the physics assignment in hand. He doesn’t want Ram to tell anyone, except maybe Sanju. Ram asks if that’s because he likes Sanju, but Lucky says no, that when he’s in love, everyone in the college will hear violins. Song!

Someone sashays by, wearing a bright pink salwar kameez. The twins gawk while eating Lays brand potato chips. Lucky blinks in disbelief. Bikes crash. Percy spits out his Pepsi on Not Kal Penn. Wow, Anupam Kher must be looking really hot tonight. Hey, it’s Sanju! A crowd of men follows her, giving themselves whiplash. Violins!

Cut to a bright purple and green set. Ram sits on a staircase and sings with a bunch of extras. Sanju heaves her bosom. Lucky wears tight iridescent pants and impersonates a sprinkler while Sanju dances on top of a lotus flower in a pond. Ram and thirty other guys check out Sanju’s ass. Sanju’s ass goes “Dum tara, dum tara, Dhoooom-aaahh!” Ram gives Sanju’s ass the A-OK. Lucky goes fishing. He catches Sanju’s ass. He reels it in, but faints before he can capture it and fry up some ass pakoras. Sanju stands on the lotus flower again and makes pretty patterns with her hands for the aerial camera. Everyone wiggles their hips as swans float in the foreground. Percy checks out Sanju’s ass. Lucky tells Sanju that his heart is a canoe, and she is a bank with mystique. It’s a good thing she’s got some mystique, otherwise the canoe that is Lucky’s heart would have to find another bank with some mystique and a nice ass, and I bet that would be pretty hard. Ram says “Wicked!” and releases some doves. Everyone checks out Sanju’s ass again. Lucky wears even tighter pants than before and a dog collar. The look of confusion on his face suggests that he has lost control of his pelvic region, which gyrates involuntarily. Ram plays air harmonium.

Ram is bathed in pink light. It is the light of Ms. Chandni’s torso. Chemistry class. The desks explode. Then the chalkboard explodes. Ram should really be wearing his safety goggles. Suddenly everyone is wearing hats and drumming on their lab notebooks. Ram worships Ms. Chandni. Ms. Chandni sticks her boobs out. Back to the set. Confetti explosions. Wicked! Ram sings to Ms. Chandni that his heart is going insane, and she is its only balm. He rubs some balm on his nipple. Ms. Chandni sits on a moon that is lowered down on a wire. Ram waves his arms around and reels in a kite, then he stamps his foot as Ms. Chandni twirls her skirt. He hits himself in the head, then swivels his upper body in a circle, because dum tara, dum tara, dhoooom-aaah! They kiss on the cheek as the dum taras fade out.
Part 7 Part 9

Main Hoon Na, Part 7

Ram asks Lucky if it’s ok that he stay at their house. Lucky tells Ram that his Mom always wanted a clean-cut son like Ram. Well, except for that time when she didn’t want Ram as a son. Lucky talks about his mother’s cooking, and then Ram asks about his dad. Ram, he’s your dad, too, silly! Remember – Army guy, grey hair, bloody gunshot wound to the chest? Lucky gets all serious and tells Ram that Ram is a friend, and all of Lucky’s friends know not to talk about his dad. Ever. Like, seriously. Dude. Lucky shows Ram the house, which currently has no electricity, and he realizes that he forgot about the broken fuse. He tells Ram to go ahead into the house while he fixes the fuse. Ram walks in and sees Kirron Kher offering puja. (Or something. I don’t know, I’m Buddhist.) Kirron Kher thinks that it’s Lucky because she has her eyes closed, and she offers Ram a blessing. The lights come on and she’s all, “Who’s this random dude accepting blessings and pretending to be Lucky?” Then Lucky walks in and introduces everyone, Ram kneels and touches Lucky’s mom’s feet, and they all stand around looking sappy.

Ram’s new room. He unpacks his things, including the urn containing his father’s ashes, which he quickly hides when Kirron Kher walks in. She shoves a paratha in his mouth because only a mother’s love can create magic parathas and moms and parathas are nice. Ram talks about what a nice guy his father was, and Kirron Kher says that fathers are important, that “Sometimes I feel that if Lucky’s father was with us…” trailing off before completing the thought, “then maybe Lucky wouldn’t have grown up to be such a big stoner doofus.” When Ram asks what happened to Lucky’s dad, Kirron Kher tells him that they had a fight and she left him. Ram asks if Lucky’s dad ever came to bring her back, and… flashback!

Gen. Sharma comes to visit, seven years after their fight. Way to be on top of things, there, Gen. Sharma. He asks Kirron Kher to come back, but she doesn’t want to live in the same house as “that boy,” and tells Gen. Sharma that he has to choose between her and Lucky on the one hand, and Ram on the other. Nine-year-old Lucky pokes his head out so he can eavesdrop at the moment of maximal emotional scarring. Gen. Sharma chooses Ram. Lucky chooses to stop showering and start hitting the bong.

Back to the present. Lucky calls, looking for his shoes. His mom complains about his skanky hair, skanky jeans, and the dog leash that he is apparently using as a belt that is unfortunately not visible. When she notices that his Union Jack t-shirt has been shredded into ribbons, she offers to stitch it back together, but Lucky explains that he just spent the morning shredding it, perhaps as a means of constructing a new paradigm of postcolonial identity. They bicker some more, until Ram offers to take Lucky’s mom to temple.

Physics class with the spit professor. Lucky doesn’t have his homework, so Ram slips him his, but then gets caught without his assignment. Good plan, Ram. His punishment is to kneel in the hallway with his hands on his ears. Ms. Chandni walks by and starts twirling around as doves fly above her and the wind blows her hair back. Then she goes back to being a normal person and asks Ram why he’s kneeling in the hallway. He tells her that Mr. Rasai (so that’s his name!) has punished him, and she laughs at him. As she walks away, some old song starts playing about a boy who is as nutty as a pie. Ms. Chandni turns around to gaze at him, and violinists appear, but then they disappear, and she suddenly looks irritated for some reason.

Sanju looks for Lucky, and finds out that he’s at the library. Lucky goes up to the library entrance. The library turns into a temple, and onlookers welcome him with music and blessings. Then it goes back to being the library again, and everyone stares at Lucky. A nerdy guy asks Lucky if he’s Sanju’s boyfriend, and he says “double battery, single power.” What the hell does that mean? Then Lucky talks some smack about how Sanju isn’t hot enough for him, just as Sanju is entering the library, wearing one of her Seattle grunge-by-way-of-the-J.C. Penney-junior’s-section outfits. She looks sad and runs to a concert hall to brood. Ram walks in, and Sanju confesses to him that her dad isn’t dead, but that he didn’t love her because she wasn’t a boy. She says that she tried to be like a son, and that now no one remembers that she’s a girl. Wait, Sanju’s a girl? I totally forgot for a second. Ram tells her that she’s fine the way she is, but says that they need to remind everyone how beautiful she is.

Ram stops by Ms. Chandni’s house, and asks her to make him look just like her. Then he realizes that he wasn’t supposed to say that out loud, and pretends that he’s talking about Sanju. Then Sanju appears, because apparently she was hiding behind Ram the whole time. Sanju goes with Ms. Chandni, who tells Ram she’ll see him later. Ram drools some more.
Part 6 Part 8


Main Hoon Na, Part 6

Ram goes to see Sholay at the Lido with Sanju, Percy, and Not Kal Penn. They split up to buy chips, popcorn and tickets, despite Ram’s protests that they should all stick together, because there’s no reason to buy popcorn when delicious Lay’s brand potato chips are available. An ominous-looking black SUV pulls up nearby and the window rolls down, revealing Khan, who has been ordered to shoot Percy while Sanju is nearby and to record it for Gen. Singh, since Gen. Singh always enjoys a nice documentary. Ram sees a laser pointer dot floating around Percy’s head, and does some Matrix-style moves, tackling Percy and knocking the popcorn to the ground. Thank God it wasn’t the delicious Lays brand potato chips! Ram takes off after the black SUV in a bicycle rickshaw, dodging bullets, pipes, a truck full of bamboo, and an exploding gasoline container. Khan falls out of the SUV and is captured by Ram.

Back at the Terrorist Lair, Raghavan watches the video footage from the pool of standing water and discovers that Ram is protecting Sanjana. He realizes that he will have to take care of Sanju himself, because Ram is “the bloody best.” Meanwhile, Ram interrogates Khan and throws a coffee cup at his face, while Khan talks smack about the Army. Ram tells the guards to interrogate Khan and returns to the college.

Chemistry class. Ms. Chandni asks the students what the atomic weight of calcium is. What have these people been learning? More violins and wind machines. Ram starts singing again, and class ends. Ms. Chandni checks herself out in a reflective surface while Ram hides behind a plant. Song!

Chemistry class on the beach! Ms. Chandni flings her sari around with a crazed smile while Ram strokes his hair and sings about her fragrance. They swing around on a rope while looking sexed up. He tells her that her beauty makes him believe in things like fairies. The rest of the students all seem to be absent from class today. Ram wears a shirt with batwings on the shoulders. Ms. Chandni writhes in front of a waterfall with an orgasm face, then she and Ram writhe together underneath the waterfall in wet coordinated outfits. Now Ms. Chandni sings. I wonder if Ram makes her believe in fairies, too. Back to college, where Ram is following Ms. Chandni, carrying her sari pallu and some flowers while the rest of the college salsa dances around them. Ram admires Ms. Chandni’s reflection in the college bulletin board. Notices indicate that Percy can teach you karate in 7 days, and that lessons are being offered in “ski ballet dancing.” I rush off to get an application to St. Paul’s.

End of song. Lucky catches Ram admiring Ms. Chandni and warns him that it’s a bad idea to fall for a teacher. Lucky notices that the giant fluorescent sign he has posted, advertising “Paying Guest Wanted,” has fallen over, while Ram thinks to himself, “Main hoon na,” because that is the title.
Part 5 Part 7

Main Hoon Na, Part 5

Ram and Lucky/Lakshman walk past a chapel, simultaneously sweeping their hair back because they inherited the same hair-sweeping genetic allele from their father. Lucky asks Ram to stop calling him Lakshman because it doesn’t go with the image. Lucky is apparently trying to cultivate the image of a friendly and loyal golden retriever. Suddenly Sanju runs up, angry at Lucky. She says that his mom must have been upset about his brush with death. They discuss moms, and Ram reveals that he doesn’t have one. The three ponder the idea that moms are nice. Sanju apologizes to Ram for her comment earlier, and she tells Ram that he is a special person, but doesn’t mean it in the “you ride the short bus” way. Now they are friends and signify this in the fashion of hip college students, with a supercool handshake.

Percy shows up to act nerdy, while terrorists take his picture and reflect on the innocence of childhood back at the Terrorist Lair. The Lair contains several plasma TVs but appears to have some sort of drainage problem, as the men stand around in about six inches of standing water. Raghavan tells his men to shoot Percy in front of Sanjana in order to send a message that he doesn’t like happy-go-lucky nerdy guys. Raghavan’s right hand man Khan looks hesistant, but Raghavan tells him that war requires sacrifices. Flashback!

Dusty, desert-type area with army men running around. Indian Army guy says that some Pakistani farmers have accidentally crossed the border. A less ratty-looking Raghavan, dressed in an army uniform, goes to see the farmers. He asks the men if they are Pakistani, then shoots them when they say yes. He pretends to spare a teenage boy, but then shoots him anyway, just in case you didn’t know for sure that he is completely evil.

Court martial. Gen. Sharma is interrogating Raghavan. The camera circles as Gen. Sharma and Raghavan do a dramatic “you can’t handle the truth” type confrontation. Sharma says that they are not in a state of war with Pakistan. Raghavan says that they’ve been in a state of war with Pakistan for 50 years. Hey, Khan’s there, too. Sharma says that Raghavan is clearly mentally ill. I would like to hear Skoda’s opinion. Raghavan is stripped of his medals, one of which pokes him in the temple when it is removed from his epaulet. Flashforward to the present with a shot of the scar on Raghavan’s temple. He tells the men that it’s taken him 10 years to build an army, during which period they appear to have had no time for plumbing and lighting repairs. Song!

Not Kal Penn and Percy are in an a cappella group. I wonder if it has some stupid-ass name, like “The Treblemakers” or the “Aca-Fellas” or “Penn Masala,” or something. Oh, just kidding, Penn Masala! Confetti is flying; it seems to be a “Thanks for Rapelling Down the Building and Rescuing Lucky from Certain Death” party for Ram. Ram bodysurfs. Vivek is dressed like a 5 year old from 1979. Ram sings that he’s here now for Lucky. He stands next to him invisibly and gazes longingly as Lucky sits on a bench and then leans against a building, rocking out to some tunes. Ram tells Lucky that if he wishes for endless love, he should ask for it aloud. Is Ram hitting on Lucky? This movie is totally pervy. There is a musical/sports/whistling interlude in the song, sponsored by Reebok. Ram and Lucky play soccer in coordinated Reebok outfits. Lucky is injured, so Ram gives him a ride on his back. In the background, everyone in the canteen stretches in time. Sanju’s here now, too, but Lucky is oblivious. Now they are in class, where everyone raises their hands in time. Sanju wears a hat that she stole from Blossom. Lucky dances on the roof, but it’s ok, because Ram is tethering him with a rope while perched precariously on the edge of the roof, studying with Sanju. Who doesn’t like to study while perched precariously on the edge of a roof? Ooh, makeover time! Ram tries out some new looks:

Gay biker
Futuristic pimp
8th grade girl from 1992
breakdancing fashion victim

and settles on an otherwise nice looking sweater with a gigantic “S” grafitti’d on it.

This song is still going on. Lucky flirts with Mini. Percy checks out an oblivious Sanju. The canteen serves delicious Pizza Hut items and Lays potato chips. Sanju looks sad, so she goes to pray at the chapel. She waits outside until Lucky shows up to sing that he is here now, wearing a leather jacket with a giant Care Bear or something on it. Percy sings that he is here now, but Sanju is preoccupied.

End of song. God, these people are really into arm wrestling and Pepsi products. Ram loses the arm-wrestling match, so he has to serenade the next woman who walks by. I bet it’s going to be Anupam Kher in drag. No, it’s Sushmita Sen in a red sari with color-coordinated Trapper folder! Windswept foliage and thunderclaps. Percy informs everyone that she’s the new chemistry teacher. For some reason, Ram can’t stop himself from singing about chandni. Coincidentally, the teacher’s name is Ms. Chandni. She’s not impressed, but tells him to finish the song.

The principal is reading Harry Potter in his office. He tells Ram to apologize to Ms. Chandni for randomly bursting into song, so Ram goes to the Staff Room. Everyone within a 30 foot radius of Ms. Chandni appears to be caught in a freak windstorm. Satish Shah is angry that Ram has come into the staff room, and Ram dodges his slow motion spit like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. Ram tries to apologize to Ms. Chandni, but violinists appear and he bursts into song again, so he runs away.
Part 4 Part 6