Main Hoon Na, Part 15

The camera pans over the empty canteen, where leftover trash and glasses of Pepsi remain on the picnic benches. When Ram is gone, even the sparkling taste of Pepsi seems somehow flat. On the train, Ram’s cell phone rings. He says, “Yes, Sir? What?” then hops off the train. Cut to a grainy video of Sanju looking defiant as an off-camera voice instructs her to look at her father, who is watching the video with Ram in an office. The voice asks Gen. Bakshi, who I just now realized I’ve been calling Gen. Singh for this whole recap (shit!), if he is willing to sacrifice Sanjana, Lucky, Percy, and everyone else in the college for Project Milaap. Why are these terrorists always singling out Percy? Maybe something about him touches their Inner Nerd? The speaker says that Project Milaap is finished, and that he has a few additional demands, including Khan’s release, a helicopter, and his favorite student, Major Ram. That’s quite an elaborate sex fantasy that the kidnapper’s setting up for himself, right there. The camera turns around to reveal …Raghavan! In his terrorist hat and wifebeater! Ram looks at the TV screen and takes a moment to process the image. Cut to a black and white montage of Ram’s favorite wacky moments with Professor Raghavan. Raghavan’s first day! The prom! That time Raghavan revealed Ram’s secret identity to Lucky and Mrs. Sharma! Ram looks mildly annoyed at the situation.

The school gymnasium, where everyone from the college sits on the floor as lightning flashes through the window. The principal, wearing a Bart Simpson tie, comforts a sobbing Not Kal Penn. Other people comfort each other in various combinations as Raghavan gives orders to his men.

A newscaster on a television screen announces that Pakistan has agreed to reciprocate by returning Indian P.O.W.’s as well. At a press conference, a Pakistani official announces that Pakistan is not too cold to accept India’s warm hand, and that he only wishes that Pakistan had made the first move. Let the groping begin! Gen. Bakshi nee Singh, falsely assuming that Raghavan is rational, concludes that now Raghavan will have to release the hostages. Raghavan tells the General that Pakistan can do what it wants, but they will not release the enemy. He says that he hopes that Khan is near the helicopter and Ram is tied up, because he’s in a hurry to either kill some people or have some kinky sex. Raghavan orders the men back to their stations and tells the hostages that they are expecting guests. Ms. Chandni looks concerned. I guess she forgot to bring her zebra print robe and milky cotton balls.

Gen. Bakshi sighs and picks up the telephone. He tells whoever is on the other end that Project Milaap is being indefinitely postponed. The camera pans over to Ram, standing in the foreground and looking defiant. He tells the General that they can’t do this, but Bakshi tells him that right now, a mother is waiting for her son, and tomorrow, more will be waiting for their children. Cut to a nearby room, where Lucky’s mom waits. Way to turn metaphor into literal representation, there, guys! Ram says that this isn’t about ten Indians or ten Pakistanis, it’s about thousands of soldiers, it’s about all of us in all countries, and how we should just stop fighting and go to Pizza Hut for some peace, love, understanding and pizza. The General says that he understands, but that maybe they need to wait a bit longer for a rapprochement. Ram retorts that if they don’t accept Pakistan’s gesture now, they may be choosing fifty more years of hostility. The General asks him what he’s supposed to do about the hostages, and Ram tells him not to worry because he’ll take care of it in a vague and unspecified manner. Lucky’s mom stares at Ram from the other room, worried but hopeful.
Part 14
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