Main Hoon Na, Part 1
Damn you, EROS Entertainment guy, why won’t you just let me skip ahead to the menu? Yes, I’m aware of the wide variety of Bollywood hits, sports, and entertainment news available from EROS, but I would really just like to get to the menu. Finally, the menu. Play movie. What the hell? More EROS ads. Kyun! Ho
The credits appear from beneath a foggy mist. Very artistic. We learn that the movie is produced “In ass with Venus Records and Tapes, PVT” Oh, wait, that’s “In association with Venus Records and Tapes, PVT” Stupid fog. Movie opens in a swanky TV studio. A TV personality with frizzy hair is bickering with his assistant about what questions he will ask The General. Oh, shit, The General’s here already. Badass army guys walk in under very crisp lighting, including Naseeruddin Shah, who we learn is Gen. Shekhar Sharma, in charge of security. Lights! Camera! Action!
The TV show is “People’s Voice,” with frizzy-haired host Rajit Saxena. Today’s question: “Project Milaap” -- historic milestone or dumbest idea ever? The first guest is Gen. Amar Singh Bakshi, who tells the audience that Project Milaap entails the release of 50 Pakistani prisoners who inadvertently crossed the border. They have been detained for many years, but have now been exonerated and found to be of no threat to Indian security, as indicated by the plaintive string music that swells in the background as we see video footage of the prisoners’ tattered homespun clothing and soulful eyes. Frizzy Hair tells the general that many people in
Suddenly one of the security officers on an upper balcony is shot, and falls crashing down into the studio audience. People run around screaming, and a slo-mo action sequence begins. There is lots of shooting. People fly through windows, seemingly impervious to gravity and other laws of physics.
Cut to a shadowy figure on a walkie talkie who says that he’s going in. Is it Anupam Kher? Gen. Bakshi is confronted at gunpoint by a masked man who apparently isn’t a big fan of Project Milaap. He tells the General that he knows he has a daughter, and waves around a manila envelope. Is it his biodata? Ha ha, biodata is funny. The masked man prepares to shoot the general, when suddenly, plagiarized Mission Impossible music crescendos and a pair of legs come crashing through a nearby skylight. Here comes Anupam! Oh, wait, it’s Shah Rukh Khan. More shooting and bad Matrix-y effects, until Gen. Sharma is shot. The masked man runs out of the studio, followed by SRK. They run past a prominently displayed Pepsi vending machine. Close up on the masked man, who has beautiful blue eyes. Ooh, paramilitary extremist, you’re so dreamy! Confrontation between SRK and masked man. Masked man has SRK at gunpoint, and is about to shoot. SRK makes a funny chipmunk face. Masked man is out of bullets. From another wing of the TV studio about five rooms away, SRK hears the dying moans of his father, and runs back to find him. As he pauses under a fallen electrical cable that is spewing forth sparks on top of his head, SRK looks at his dying father. Cut to scenes of a funeral in the rain. SRK looks pensive. Flashback!