3.15.2005

Main Hoon Na, Part 1

Damn you, EROS Entertainment guy, why won’t you just let me skip ahead to the menu? Yes, I’m aware of the wide variety of Bollywood hits, sports, and entertainment news available from EROS, but I would really just like to get to the menu. Finally, the menu. Play movie. What the hell? More EROS ads. Kyun! Ho gaya na. Is this movie any good? Vivek looks cute. Oh yay, it’s the certificate thingy. Credits.

The credits appear from beneath a foggy mist. Very artistic. We learn that the movie is produced “In ass with Venus Records and Tapes, PVT” Oh, wait, that’s “In association with Venus Records and Tapes, PVT” Stupid fog. Movie opens in a swanky TV studio. A TV personality with frizzy hair is bickering with his assistant about what questions he will ask The General. Oh, shit, The General’s here already. Badass army guys walk in under very crisp lighting, including Naseeruddin Shah, who we learn is Gen. Shekhar Sharma, in charge of security. Lights! Camera! Action!

The TV show is “People’s Voice,” with frizzy-haired host Rajit Saxena. Today’s question: “Project Milaap” -- historic milestone or dumbest idea ever? The first guest is Gen. Amar Singh Bakshi, who tells the audience that Project Milaap entails the release of 50 Pakistani prisoners who inadvertently crossed the border. They have been detained for many years, but have now been exonerated and found to be of no threat to Indian security, as indicated by the plaintive string music that swells in the background as we see video footage of the prisoners’ tattered homespun clothing and soulful eyes. Frizzy Hair tells the general that many people in India think this step is a bad idea because Pakistan will not reciprocate. The general responds that he is sure that Pakistan will reciprocate. Then India will have Pakistan over for dinner and Pakistan will tell India that he’s sorry for all the mean stuff he said about her behind her back, and then they will make out. Actually, he only says that first thing. At least according to the subtitles; I don’t know Hindi.

Suddenly one of the security officers on an upper balcony is shot, and falls crashing down into the studio audience. People run around screaming, and a slo-mo action sequence begins. There is lots of shooting. People fly through windows, seemingly impervious to gravity and other laws of physics.

Cut to a shadowy figure on a walkie talkie who says that he’s going in. Is it Anupam Kher? Gen. Bakshi is confronted at gunpoint by a masked man who apparently isn’t a big fan of Project Milaap. He tells the General that he knows he has a daughter, and waves around a manila envelope. Is it his biodata? Ha ha, biodata is funny. The masked man prepares to shoot the general, when suddenly, plagiarized Mission Impossible music crescendos and a pair of legs come crashing through a nearby skylight. Here comes Anupam! Oh, wait, it’s Shah Rukh Khan. More shooting and bad Matrix-y effects, until Gen. Sharma is shot. The masked man runs out of the studio, followed by SRK. They run past a prominently displayed Pepsi vending machine. Close up on the masked man, who has beautiful blue eyes. Ooh, paramilitary extremist, you’re so dreamy! Confrontation between SRK and masked man. Masked man has SRK at gunpoint, and is about to shoot. SRK makes a funny chipmunk face. Masked man is out of bullets. From another wing of the TV studio about five rooms away, SRK hears the dying moans of his father, and runs back to find him. As he pauses under a fallen electrical cable that is spewing forth sparks on top of his head, SRK looks at his dying father. Cut to scenes of a funeral in the rain. SRK looks pensive. Flashback!
Part 2

4 Comments:

At 12/08/2005 12:49 PM, Anonymous andrea said...

Main Hoon Na in 15 minutes! Seriously laughing out loud. I only write LOL when I don't mean it ;)

 
At 4/27/2006 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude u r cynical. Its very easy to run down things. Only glitch is that when srk sctually does those stuff he looks cool or funny or adorable. And tens of millions of people watched and enjoyed this movie. U just cannot change this fact. The very fact that u have written such a loooong looong article shows u r a big cynic loser with nothing better to do than criticise. sucker

 
At 4/28/2006 12:25 AM, Blogger Sonia said...

LOL!!! i was really laughing out loud when i read this post.

main hoon na was one of the stupidest, most senseless movies EVER released! the part where srk manages to follow the terrorists who were in a freaking Scorpio while riding a CYCLE rickshaw and actually shoot down the door AND one of the villians to boot is simply just plain CRAZZZZY!
and the rest of it is crap too, too many to mention! you have an awesome blog!

 
At 4/14/2013 9:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Main Hoon Naa is full of satirical, improbable, lighthearted stuff that is not even meant to be taken seriously, such as the rickshaw chase scene. It is a masala movie which means all kinds of stuff is crammed into it and all is meant to be fun!! and it is if you have the right attitude. I could write a spoof of your spoof sir that would be funnier than what you have written here. Ok I'm going back to watching Main Hoon Naa again. Because it is far more entertaining than you are.

 

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