Main Hoon Na, Part 19

The former prisoners cross the border as onlookers cheer. Ram pulls himself up to his feet using Raghavan, who has a grenade attached to his jacket. Raghavan points his gun at Ram and says, “Sorry, Major.” Ram flashes back in slow motion to the shot that killed his father. His face turns angry, and he pushes Raghavan away. A helicopter approaches in the background, but it’s probably not important. Ram walks away from Raghavan, who tells him to turn around so he can shoot him properly. The helicopter hovers closer and Lucky hangs out the side. He yells at Ram to get away from the goddamn roof. Raghavan yells at Ram to turn around and take his bullet in the chest like his father. Which path will Ram choose? Ram turns around and asks Raghavan if he’s forgotten that it’s always the bad guy who dies at the end, and holds up the key from the hand grenade. Ooh, burn. Raghavan looks down at the live grenade. Ram counts down. 3…he drops the key on the roof…2…nothing happens between 2 and 1…1…Ram runs toward the helicopter and Raghavan closes his eyes. The roof starts exploding as Ram runs along it toward the helicopter. He jumps toward the helicopter and grabs Lucky’s arms.

The released prisoners wave and hug their relatives. As the helicopter hovers, Lucky tells Ram to hang on and not to be scared, because main hoon na. Ram tells him to shut up and give him a hand. Ram and Lucky scream happily, while at the India-Pakistan border, people hug. The helicopter flies off into the sunset. Put on your UV-protective sunglasses, guys!

Ram and Lucky scatter their father’s ashes into the river as their mother watches. Cut to the gymnasium, where students in gowns and mortarboards cheer. The principal welcomes them to Prom Night, Mrs. Kakkad tells him it’s Congratulations Day, then the principal welcomes them all to Convocation Day. He says that Lakshman Prasad Sharma is finally graduating, along with Major Ram Sharma. Lucky and Ram stand; Lucky doesn’t seem to be wearing anything under his robe, while Ram wears a white shirt, but has his gown unbuttoned to the navel like it’s a polyester clubbing shirt and he’s Akshay Kumar. They run up to the stage to accept their diplomas and do the Karate Kid crane move as everyone gives them a standing ovation. Everyone throws their hats in the air, because apparently no one else is receiving diplomas in the shortest graduation ceremony ever.

Song! Shah Rukh Khan swoops by on a Ferris wheel. Wheeee! That’s the song that the air is singing. Two people walk by with a banner, indicating that the singing man before us is indeed Shah Rukh Khan. He exposes his midriff. Someone reads a newspaper with a front page article and photo about Suniel Shetty. Is it Suniel Shetty? We may never know. Sushmita Sen sings that every moment is liberal and holds up the notebook that she has helpfully labeled “Sushmita Sen” with glitter pen. In the background the twins play air guitar in front of a Lay’s stand. Aw, Lays potato chips, I’m gonna miss you guys! Amrita Rao carries some heart-shaped Amrita Rao balloons. I wonder if she got them from that guy in Dil Chahta Hai. Zayed Khan skips over to some cheerleaders and shakes his imaginary pom-poms. Kirron Kher throws a ball at some Pepsi cans. Mrs. Kakkad is played by Bindu, or has stolen Bindu's umbrella. Zayed Khan wears a diving mask as Shah Rukh Khan taunts Satish Shah with a squirt gun. I wonder if he filled it with spit. Boman Irani rides the merry-go-round, wearing a Boman Irani tie, which unfortunately doesn’t have a cartoon of Boman Irani on it. Farah Khan reads a story written by Farah Khan, then tells everyone to go away.

OK, I’m going to start skipping people here. Anu Malik wears a beanie. Isn’t Farah Khan married to the editor, Shirish Kunder? Homeboy might want to rethink the mullet. Nice job dressing Shah Rukh Khan, Karan Johar, but bad choice on the white shirt with the back sweat. Hey, it’s Not Kal Penn on the Ferris Wheel! His name is Kunal Kumar, and every moment is liberal again. Percy wears a shirt that says “Stud” as he sings about the oasis of true love and gives Mini a hug. The woman who can swing her braids in opposite directions is named Geeta. “Thrills” are provided by Shah Rukh Khan. I’m not sure I want to know what that means.

Everyone jump on the trampoline! Now say hi to the spot department! Some more people dance and hold up an illegible sign. I hope they weren’t too disappointed when they saw the credits. Next time don’t use gold lettering on light blue poster board, guys. Hair and make-up is totally phoning it in. Come on, hair and make-up, shake it like the illegible sign department! The producer holds up a big check, looking anxious about his investment, then Shah Rukh Khan runs away with the check. One last shimmy with the group, and…cut!
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