8.04.2005

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 1

Certificate. A shot of a small shrine. Cut to a view of space, where two adjacent galaxies hang out, doing whatever it is that galaxies do. Suddenly, two flaming galactic objects hurtle toward each other and collide in a massive explosion that produces… a Filmkraft Productions presentation of Koi…Mil Gaya! Credits scroll Star Wars-style over some more images of space, which is apparently quite peaceful and psychedelic when gigantic letters aren’t exploding all over the place. A woman’s voice calmly explains that the universe is made up of groups of stars called galaxies, and that our galaxy is called the Milky Way. I wonder if this woman is the Very Educated Mother who Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. The woman explains that her husband, a “space scientist,” believed that there were other galaxies in the universe on which life could exist. I totally thought the screenwriter made up the term “space scientist,” but apparently it’s a real job. How did people ever find these things out before the internet? Anyway, her husband’s goal was to discover life on other planets.

Cut to Rakesh Roshan, hard at work in his moonlit attic. The voiceover woman explains that Rakesh Roshan the Space Scientist invented many gadgets for collecting data, including an old PET computer with three (!) floppy drives, a recording machine, and a metal box with eight red buttons on it that looks like some kind of baby toy. He would send sound waves into space using his two enormous satellite dishes, hoping that someone from another galaxy would hear his signals and respond.

Rekha sits outside her house and knits. I'm pretty sure she's pregnant, but I'm not going to assume anything. Because if it turns out she's just carrying a few extra pounds? Awk. Ward. Meanwhile, Rakesh Roshan plays upstairs with his Fisher Price Activity Center. He presses some of the red buttons, and the machine plays a goofy “Booop Booop BOOOOP BOOOOP!!” tune. He leaves the room for a split second, during which time the screen flashes mysteriously, and the enormous satellite dishes send out huge bolts of electricity. I hope Rakesh Roshan remembered to use a surge protector. As he comes back in again, he hears the “Booop Booop BOOOOP BOOOOP!!” tune being echoed back to him. He plays the tune again on the Activity Center, and the sound is repeated. Then he plays it faster, and the faster pattern is repeated back to him. Excited, he calls his wife, Rekha/Sonia, upstairs, and explains that someone is finally responding to his groovy musical stylings. She asks him what the sounds are, and he explains that he used his “octopad” and his PET computer to convert the word “Om” into musical notes. So apparently The Musical Embodiment of All That Has Been Created sounds kind of like a prog rock version of “Hot Cross Buns.” Rakesh Roshan tells her that he’s achieved a breakthrough, and that he must inform the Space Centre immediately!

At the Space Centre, a bunch of old guys in lab coats laugh at him. A sunburnt scientist with an odd Germanic accent asks him sarcastically if the aliens chatted about the weather, then another scientist asks him in Hindi why the aliens would contact Rakesh Roshan, and not someone big and important like himself. Rakesh Roshan, A.K.A. Dr. Sanjay Mehra, explains about sending “Om” into space in different notes and combinations, and tells them that “Om” is “a Hindu religious word that contains all the vibrations of the universe.” The sunburnt guy asks him sarcastically if the aliens are Hindu, too, then tells him to stop daydreaming. Maybe the aliens just want some Hot Cross Buns.

Outside the Space Centre, Rekha parks and gets out of a car. Inside, the lab-coated scientists walk huffily past Dr. Mehra, apparently on their way to the Space Centre cafeteria to sit at the popular table and talk smack about the Space Accountants. Dr. Mehra calls after them to wait and offers to show them his evidence, but the sunburnt guy tells him dismissively to go home. For some reason this comment is punctuated with a jet engine sound effect. Maybe it’s the sound of Dr. Mehra’s self-esteem taking a vacation to Aruba.

As they drive home, Dr. Mehra bitches to Sonia about the lab-coated Heathers, but she tells him not to worry. Meanwhile, thunderclouds rumble overhead. Sonia grows thoughtful and asks him whether he thinks that beings from distant galaxies will ever meet. He says why not, and points out that space shuttles have gone to Mars and Jupiter. They have? He says that other beings are probably trying to find out about us, and that that’s probably the explanation for UFOs. Suddenly the car’s headlights start to flash, and the car radio sputters off and on, playing bits and pieces of something that sounds eerily like Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs.” Sanjay and Sonia look understandably horrified. The car’s headlights burst, and Sonia points out a moving light in the sky. Sanjay stares at the UFO and shouts out the window in triumph that the aliens have come. Having decided for some reason to keep on driving despite the exploding headlights and aliens overhead, he veers slightly off the road and then swerves gently in a way that causes the car to flip over sideways, then flip end-over-end, then sideways a couple more times before finally exploding in a gigantic ball of flame. Sonia is thrown from the car before it explodes; she turns toward the flaming car and screams, “NAAAAAAHIIIIIIIIIN!!!” For those of you that don't speak Hindi, I think that means, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Part 2

3 Comments:

At 9/01/2005 10:13 AM, Blogger Beth said...

This is just about the funniest thing I have ever read. Thank you, thank you for writing that combines humor, insight, and true appreciation.

Hey, I think our Bollywood blogs are even based on the same design. Clearly we should be friends. bethlovesbollywood.blogspot.com

 
At 9/01/2005 7:40 PM, Anonymous ads said...

Hey, thanks! I was wondering if anyone was actually reading this stuff...

I just came back from vacation, so hopefully I can finish the KMG recap in a timely fashion. (I'm a big slacker, so the last one took me 3 months.) And I will definitely check out your blog!

 
At 9/03/2005 5:09 PM, Blogger Beth said...

But your recaps are, like, genius - and you can't rush genius! Which is why it took them something like six years to make Josh, right?

 

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