Main Hoon Na, Part 5

Ram and Lucky/Lakshman walk past a chapel, simultaneously sweeping their hair back because they inherited the same hair-sweeping genetic allele from their father. Lucky asks Ram to stop calling him Lakshman because it doesn’t go with the image. Lucky is apparently trying to cultivate the image of a friendly and loyal golden retriever. Suddenly Sanju runs up, angry at Lucky. She says that his mom must have been upset about his brush with death. They discuss moms, and Ram reveals that he doesn’t have one. The three ponder the idea that moms are nice. Sanju apologizes to Ram for her comment earlier, and she tells Ram that he is a special person, but doesn’t mean it in the “you ride the short bus” way. Now they are friends and signify this in the fashion of hip college students, with a supercool handshake.

Percy shows up to act nerdy, while terrorists take his picture and reflect on the innocence of childhood back at the Terrorist Lair. The Lair contains several plasma TVs but appears to have some sort of drainage problem, as the men stand around in about six inches of standing water. Raghavan tells his men to shoot Percy in front of Sanjana in order to send a message that he doesn’t like happy-go-lucky nerdy guys. Raghavan’s right hand man Khan looks hesistant, but Raghavan tells him that war requires sacrifices. Flashback!

Dusty, desert-type area with army men running around. Indian Army guy says that some Pakistani farmers have accidentally crossed the border. A less ratty-looking Raghavan, dressed in an army uniform, goes to see the farmers. He asks the men if they are Pakistani, then shoots them when they say yes. He pretends to spare a teenage boy, but then shoots him anyway, just in case you didn’t know for sure that he is completely evil.

Court martial. Gen. Sharma is interrogating Raghavan. The camera circles as Gen. Sharma and Raghavan do a dramatic “you can’t handle the truth” type confrontation. Sharma says that they are not in a state of war with Pakistan. Raghavan says that they’ve been in a state of war with Pakistan for 50 years. Hey, Khan’s there, too. Sharma says that Raghavan is clearly mentally ill. I would like to hear Skoda’s opinion. Raghavan is stripped of his medals, one of which pokes him in the temple when it is removed from his epaulet. Flashforward to the present with a shot of the scar on Raghavan’s temple. He tells the men that it’s taken him 10 years to build an army, during which period they appear to have had no time for plumbing and lighting repairs. Song!

Not Kal Penn and Percy are in an a cappella group. I wonder if it has some stupid-ass name, like “The Treblemakers” or the “Aca-Fellas” or “Penn Masala,” or something. Oh, just kidding, Penn Masala! Confetti is flying; it seems to be a “Thanks for Rapelling Down the Building and Rescuing Lucky from Certain Death” party for Ram. Ram bodysurfs. Vivek is dressed like a 5 year old from 1979. Ram sings that he’s here now for Lucky. He stands next to him invisibly and gazes longingly as Lucky sits on a bench and then leans against a building, rocking out to some tunes. Ram tells Lucky that if he wishes for endless love, he should ask for it aloud. Is Ram hitting on Lucky? This movie is totally pervy. There is a musical/sports/whistling interlude in the song, sponsored by Reebok. Ram and Lucky play soccer in coordinated Reebok outfits. Lucky is injured, so Ram gives him a ride on his back. In the background, everyone in the canteen stretches in time. Sanju’s here now, too, but Lucky is oblivious. Now they are in class, where everyone raises their hands in time. Sanju wears a hat that she stole from Blossom. Lucky dances on the roof, but it’s ok, because Ram is tethering him with a rope while perched precariously on the edge of the roof, studying with Sanju. Who doesn’t like to study while perched precariously on the edge of a roof? Ooh, makeover time! Ram tries out some new looks:

Gay biker
Futuristic pimp
8th grade girl from 1992
breakdancing fashion victim

and settles on an otherwise nice looking sweater with a gigantic “S” grafitti’d on it.

This song is still going on. Lucky flirts with Mini. Percy checks out an oblivious Sanju. The canteen serves delicious Pizza Hut items and Lays potato chips. Sanju looks sad, so she goes to pray at the chapel. She waits outside until Lucky shows up to sing that he is here now, wearing a leather jacket with a giant Care Bear or something on it. Percy sings that he is here now, but Sanju is preoccupied.

End of song. God, these people are really into arm wrestling and Pepsi products. Ram loses the arm-wrestling match, so he has to serenade the next woman who walks by. I bet it’s going to be Anupam Kher in drag. No, it’s Sushmita Sen in a red sari with color-coordinated Trapper folder! Windswept foliage and thunderclaps. Percy informs everyone that she’s the new chemistry teacher. For some reason, Ram can’t stop himself from singing about chandni. Coincidentally, the teacher’s name is Ms. Chandni. She’s not impressed, but tells him to finish the song.

The principal is reading Harry Potter in his office. He tells Ram to apologize to Ms. Chandni for randomly bursting into song, so Ram goes to the Staff Room. Everyone within a 30 foot radius of Ms. Chandni appears to be caught in a freak windstorm. Satish Shah is angry that Ram has come into the staff room, and Ram dodges his slow motion spit like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. Ram tries to apologize to Ms. Chandni, but violinists appear and he bursts into song again, so he runs away.
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