Main Hoon Na, Part 4

New song as SRK follows Sanjana around. Nice 50’s sounding tune. Oh wait, it’s an actual song, and not some incidental music stolen from another movie. Now they’re hanging at Pizza Hut, which appears to serve something like the Domino’s Doublemelt pizza. I wonder if Domino’s stole the idea from Indian Pizza Hut? Sanju is tired of Ram following her around, and tells him that she doesn’t like being compelled into being a friend, she likes to choose her friends. She tells him that the people she chooses are special, but Ram is not. Somewhere my cousin goes, “I think you’re special, Ram,” then mouths the words “Call me” at the screen as she makes a wiggly phone gesture with her hand.

Ram checks out a building with “Girls’ Hostel” helpfully written on the gates in Ye Olde Scandinavian Font. He then goes home and emails Gen. Singh on his Apple G4 Powerbook model L382AA, in a product placement that is actually slightly more subtle than most of the ones that appear in this Pepsico Theatre production of Main Hoon Na with my Aquafina, sponsored in part by Pizza Hut/KFC/Taco Bell, LLC with additional funding from Frito-Lay.

Nighttime, Lucky arrives home, where his mother asks him to spread the word around college that they are looking for a boarder so they can earn some additional income. She asks him to fix a faulty fuse, but instead he goes off with his friends – Indian Joey Lawrence Frat Boy, is that you? – on the back of a motorcycle. Meanwhile, badass metal music and windswept foliage mark the arrival of Raghavan in Darjeeling.

Ram tells Sanju his cover story of how he was forced to leave college due to some problem involving his brother, but Sanju is distracted by Lucky and Mini flirting nearby. Sanju tells Ram irritably that she’s not interested in him or – pause to emphasize the dramatic irony- his brother. Ram asks Sanju about her family, and she tells him, “My dad is dead.” Then she adds a perky “OK?” Dramatic drumbeat!

Lucky flirts with Mini, holding either a cigar or a chocolate bar in his mouth and looking uncannily like Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. He and Mini move in, about to pull a Lady and the Tramp-type move with the chocolate bar, when Sanju interrupts, along with Ram. Irritated, Lucky tells Ram he has 10 seconds to get out of his sight, and he closes his eyes. Bhangra-y music signals the arrival of the knitting lady with poor English. She pronounces the word “Cadbury” like “cadaver” and hilarity ensues.

Ram waits in line at the ID office, but is unable to get information on the mysterious Lakshman Sharma. Not Kal Penn is behind him, and helpfully tells him that he can hack the college computer. Meanwhile, Vivek the macho guy sees Mini and Lucky flirting in a classroom and challenges Lucky to a race to the roof of some big campus building. The winner gets Mini, because Mini’s a ho and who the hell cares what she wants. Sanju warns them not to race, because there is a risk that they will be “rusticated.” Then she asks Stephens the butler to fetch her the newspaper and retires to the library for some port. Not really, but I felt like I needed to make some kind of joke about the use of the word "rusticated." Let me know if you can think of a better one. As the race begins, Ram and Not Kal Penn are upstairs in said big campus building, and Ram has entered his query “Lakshman Sharma” into the college database. One item has been found, but they appear to be on the slowest dial-up connection in existence, as each pixel in the ID photo is loading one by one. The principal, wearing an awesome Superman tie, sees the crowd and wants to find out what all the ruckus is. The woman behind him has a bit of a cameltoe problem.

Lucky reaches the roof first, but slips and falls, managing to grab the edge of the roof and hang in midair. In the computer room, the image is still loading. The student appears to have long, wavy hair, but none of the pixels in the face area seem to have loaded yet. WHO IS IT? Oh, hey, it’s Lucky. In his ID photo he looks like even more of a stoner than usual and bears a passing resemblance to Max Cassela of Doogie Howser, M.D. Such is my dedication to this recap that I paused the DVD to capture the search result.

Name: Laxman Prasad Sharma
Age: 22
Sex: Male
Blood group: O+ve
Address: 248 Windemere Villa, Kumong(?),
Darjeeling – 900 012
West Bengal
Telephone no.: 0353 – 23205

Blood group? Meanwhile, Lucky is still hanging from the roof of the building. Hearing the screams of the crowd below, Ram looks outside to see what all the fuss is about. Cue Mission Impossible music and slo-mo action sequence. Ram runs along the roof while the principal, Percy, and the teacher make bad jokes. Ram yells at Vivek to throw him the rope, which, couldn’t Vivek have just thrown the rope to Lucky and made things a whole lot easier? Ram takes the rope and repels down the side of the building, then asks Lucky to let go, because main hoon na. Lucky lets go and falls, then Ram catches him with one hand and somehow manages to climb back up the rope with the other hand in a series of shots that appears to have been omitted from the movie. The crowd goes wild. Sanju stands in front of a wind machine, about to orgasm. Percy nerds it up.
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