Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 12

Rohit and Naina get carried out of the club by some large bouncers. As Naina screams at them to let her go, Rohit asks a bouncer who looks nothing like Mohammed Ali if he’s Mohammed Ali. Aman tells them to shut up while Rohit tries not to puke, then they walk down the middle of the street in Times Square and sing “It’s the time to Disco.” It’s like their own little New Year’s Rockin’ Eve special. Rohit and Naina talk about walking to school when they were kids, then Rohit starts to fake cry and says that he misses his father. Aman asks Rohit when his father died, and Rohit says indignantly that he’s still alive. Naina says that she misses her father, too, then starts to fake cry in a slightly more convincing manner. Rohit walks over to her, wipes her tears, and tells her that he really likes her, and that his day is not complete until he has seen her. But did she have him at hello? Or show him the money? As the piano theme of tentative romance swells, Aman lets go of Naina’s other hand and looks sad. Naina tells Rohit that he’s cute, and Rohit starts play fighting with her and saying that he’ll box her one. My dad used to say that, and would then taunt his opponent by saying that they boxed like a chicken. Maybe that’s how he got my mom to marry him. Aman stands behind them and wistfully watches as they laugh and box each other one.

Dawn breaks behind a silhouetted bridge. Cut to Rohit’s apartment, where Rohit and Aman nuzzle each other in bed while Laila the dog sits behind them. Half-asleep, Rohit says “Good morning, Laila,” and pats Aman on the head. Aman says good morning to Rohit, who sleepily asks if Laila has learned to speak. Aman opens his eyes and barks, causing Rohit to open his eyes and sit up, startled. Aman explains that he dropped Rohit off, then decided to crash in Rohit’s bed because it was late. OK, but why is he barking like a dog? And how many times did they have sex? Aman asks for some water, and Rohit tells him to get it himself, because it’s right next to Rohit’s crotch. That Rohit’s a smooth operator. Aman bends over Rohit’s crotch to get some water, while Rohit stretches and groans. An older woman walks in, carrying a tray with some breakfast on it. Aman retrieves the water, sits up, and greets the surprised Kantaben. Hands shaking, Kantaben tells Rohit that breakfast is ready and asks what she should get the guest, looking suspiciously at Aman. Aman leans cozily against Rohit and asks Kantaben for a banana, making a thumbs-up gesture with his hand. It’s nice to know that phallic banana jokes can transcend the barriers of language and culture. Aman does some more ambiguously gay stuff, and Kantaben recoils, wiping her eyes on her sari in order to remove the residue of gay. Then she takes another peek. Watch out, Kantaben, it might be contagious!

Aman and Rohit make coffee, and Aman confirms that Rohit and Naina didn’t meet at the park. Rohit says that when he first met Naina, he didn’t like her at all, but that now… Aman interrupts and says he understands, that Rohit and Naina are very close. As he puts some milk in his coffee, he asks Rohit if he wants more. Rohit says he’s happy with just friendship, and Aman says he was talking about the milk. Why is Rohit drinking Parmalat? That stuff’s gross. As Aman gets up to leave, he tells Rohit that he knows everything about Naina, because he read Rohit’s diary, up until the part about Rohit’s red chuddies. Isn’t that the part where you would want to start reading? Or maybe that’s just me.

At church, the gospel choir sings “Amen” as the service comes to an end. Aman greets Jennifer, saying that he liked the service. Surprised, Naina comes up to him, and Aman tells her to stop following him. Naina tries to leave, but Aman grabs her hand and says he was just joking. He continues to hold her hand and makes a speech about how last night, he realized that she was a girl, but that for some reason she wants to hide the girl in her. So all this time Aman thought Naina was a man? He adds that somewhere, her father is watching her, and would rather see Naina smiling than crying over him. Even if the reason she's smiling is because she's completely hammered and stripping in public? Naina's dad sounds like a pretty cool guy. Aman points at her dimple and tells her to smile, then sings the gospel choir’s “Amen” song and dances away with an old lady. Naina smiles and touches her dimple.

Voiceover Naina says that everyone was falling for Aman. A montage reveals that Aman has convinced the 3 Amigos to give up singing in favor of doing the whorehouse dance from Devdas, has given Shiv a stepladder so he can play basketball, and has inspired Gia to impersonate him in doll form. Plus, he’s made Naina smile. Eight times!

Part 11 Part 13

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 11

Disco music plays as we cut to a club with lots of pink lighting. The club appears to have a strict dress code requiring either skintight vinyl or swimwear. Bonus points for both! Aman, Sweetu, and Rohit do a shot, and Frankie asks them if they’re having fun. He invites Sweetu to hang out in the DJ cabin while Aman asks Rohit and Naina how they met. They say that they met at the park, where they were walking their doggies. When Aman points out that Naina doesn’t have a doggy, Rohit explains that Naina was walking his doggy, because he has two doggies and in fact sometimes looks like a doggy. It’s funny because it’s true. Naina finishes the convincing story by saying that then they met at a friend’s house. When Aman asks which friend, Rohit sees Gita and says, “Gita!” Rohit reminds Naina that it’s that Gita with the two filthy children, then says hi to Gita. Gita asks Rohit why he isn’t out with his family, and Rohit introduces Aman and Naina as his mummy and daddy while Aman stares at Gita’s boobs.

Aman asks Gita if she is the same Gita with the two filthy children, and Rohit spits out his drink. Gita yells at him for not telling her that he had a girlfriend. Rohit says that Naina isn’t his girlfriend, but Gita walks off angrily. Aman says he’s confused, and Naina tells him to shut up, because he knew all along that she and Rohit weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. She says that Aman was the one who told her to laugh, smile and say “Eee Hee Hee!” but Aman points out that he actually told her “Nnnnnnggggg! Nnnnnggggg!” Rohit tries it too, because it’s fun. Nnnnngggg!

Naina says that if living life means dancing, singing, and drinking, anyone can do it, but she doesn’t want to. Aman says that she can’t do it because she’s a bloody bore, and Rohit tells her that she is quite boring. The subtitles transcribe this as “You are a cute boy.” It must be one of those lift/elevator, batchmate/classmate type of things. Rohit and Aman turn away from Naina and talk about how hot Gita is. Naina looks pissed, pushes past them toward the bar, and does five shots in a row. Aman cheers her on as Rohit looks concerned. Naina starts screaming and runs out onto the dance floor. She grinds with a bald guy in a hot pink wifebeater then screams in his face. In Hindi, she tells a go-go dancer writhing on a pillar to get down. The dancer is confused, so Naina drags her down, stands on the pillar, then screams at Frankie to stop the music.

As a new beat kicks in, Naina takes off her glasses, squints for a moment, then pouts sexily. She unzips her jacket. Aman looks on eagerly, while Rohit covers his eyes. Naina rips off her jacket to reveal a sports bra-looking top. Rohit wants to stop her, but Aman points out that everyone else at the club is naked, too, and cheers her on. Naina jumps around, pointing at her back, then sings that hers is a crazy heart. She shakes some imaginary maracas and sways to the beat, because she has nothing to feel shy or hesitate about. As she dances and sings, she sings that they should dance. And sing. Because it’s the time to disco! Something something kisko!

Naina says that you never know who you’ll meet when it’s the time to disco. Hey, it’s Rohit! He points in different directions and sings that his is also a crazy heart. He drops to his knees and springs up again repeatedly, then flaps his arms like a bird as women chat in the foreground about the crazy flapping guy on the dance floor. He twirls his jacket over his head and throws it in the air, because it’s still the time to disco. Rohit and Naina do a little jig, then disco-point toward the ceiling. Everyone jumps up and down and points toward their backs, including Aman, who is still sitting at the bar. Rohit tells some hot chicks to go over and grind with Aman. The hot chicks fondle Aman in slow motion front of a wind machine while Naina looks on jealously.

Now Aman’s dancing! He does some chorus line kicks and sings about gyrating bodies. He reaches up to the ceiling because his heart’s being carried away in the storm, then thrusts out his crotch. I hope that doesn’t get carried away in the storm as well. Rohit is drowned in merriment, and does the Pulp Fiction finger triangle move. Naina skips around and shakes her imaginary maracas again, then joins Aman and Rohit in pointing to the ceiling and informing us that it’s the time to disco in case we hadn’t heard yet.

As the music slows down, Rohit, Naina, and Aman go to the back room of the club where all the drunken grinding occurs. Naina grinds drunkenly with the guy in the hot pink wifebeater, then starts grinding with Aman. She realizes she’s grinding with Aman, looks horrified, then goes to grind with Rohit. Two guys sing, “Woah Woah!”

Aman points to his ass and then marches in place; behind him, Rohit does a split next to a smoke machine. They sing about being young and drunk. Naina sings that this is the way to be. I totally wish I was drunk right now. Naina shimmies behind a woman who looks like she’s wearing men’s underwear. Rohit, Naina, and Aman do another jig and announce that it’s the time to disco. Rohit and Aman decide that they should inform Naina that it’s the time to disco. Naina dances on top of the bar and tells us again about her crazy heart. That’s the problem with getting drunk; you start repeating the same stuff over and over again. Plus sometimes there’s ill-advised anonymous sex. A vinyl-covered ass bumps another ass; I think it’s Aman’s. Aman sways to the beat with the hot chicks. Rohit looks at an ass that’s shaking about two inches from his face. Aman sways with the hot chicks some more, while Rohit swoons, because his brain has gone into ass overload. Guess what time is it, guys? I’m not going to tell you. Oh all right, it’s the time to disco! Naina does another shot. Then another. She shoves Aman and starts to tell him something, but falls over. Rohit concludes that she’s drunk, then falls over. Aman looks at them, then goes out to dance some more while the song winds down. Disco!

Part 10 Part 12

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 10

Aman’s mother compliments the smile of someone named Priya and shows Aman a photo of himself and Sonali Bendre, who is decked out in some heavy-looking bridal finery. Aman asks where she found the wedding photo, and she says it was in the file sitting next to her. Is Aman’s mother a secret agent? What’s she doing with files? I think she’s going to assassinate Priya. She says that she heard that Aman is meeting with Priya today and asks if she should come along, but Aman says that he wants to speak to Priya in private. I guess Aman's mom will have to lurk behind a nearby bush with a sniper rifle. She asks if he’s scared, and Aman says that he isn’t, but crosses his fingers. He tells her that everything will be all right as the sad flute theme of impending tragedy swells.

On a ferry, Sweetu eats a donut while Naina tells her that nothing will be all right until she loses some weight. In fact, Sweetu's weight is actually responsible for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Across the deck Sweetu sees the goofy headphone guy from the train station, and she comments again on his cuteness as he whistles and moves his hands in a doggy-paddling motion. Suddenly Aman pops up behind Naina and introduces himself to Sweetu. He tells her that a guy who truly loves her won’t look at her weight, but will look deeply into her heart. Hopefully he won’t see any hardened arteries.

Aman commences a scheme to set up Sweetu and the goofy headphone guy that involves pretending that he is Sweetu’s boyfriend, calling the goofy headphone guy Ramdayal, and making jokes about the haircuts in Dil Chahta Hai. Ramdayal, whose name turns out to be Frankie, seems as confused by the scheme as I am, but invites Sweetu and Aman to Club Nirvana, where he will be DJ'ing for Retro Night. He tells them to bring their mummy, gesturing toward Naina, who is reading what appears to be the most boring book ever written, then he wanders off, presumably to go smoke a bowl in the ferry restroom.

When Naina disparages Aman’s nonsensical but effective matchmaking plan, Aman says that she’s just jealous that Sweetu has a boyfriend. Does Frankie know that Sweetu has a boyfriend? Naina says that she has a boyfriend, too – Rohit. She says that she told Aman he was just a friend because she doesn’t like to talk about her personal life with everyone. Sweetu is sad that Naina didn’t tell her about Rohit, but Aman tells Sweetu that they can go to the club without Naina. Naina says defiantly that she and Rohit will go too, because she’s down with the hip young people and their disco dancing.

Cut to a bookstore, where Rohit tells Naina that he can’t go, because Gita is coming over for dinner. He says that Gita really likes him, but Naina says that Gita is a stupid liar who just wants a father for her children. Seriously, what kind of selfish bitch wants her children to be raised in a stable two-parent household? As they order bagels, Rohit points out that Naina’s also a liar, but she says that she only lied because Aman is so irritating. She says she wants to show Aman that she can have a boyfriend who is handsome, cool and sexy, then asks how much the bagels cost. Rohit is busy ordering and asks her to repeat what she just said, but she thinks he’s talking about bagels, and confusion with the bagel vendor ensues. Naina totally steals a bagel without paying for it. She repeats what she said about Rohit being handsome, cool, and sexy, but offers no opinion as to whether he is CrazySexyCool. Naina says that he’s right that they shouldn’t pretend just for Aman, but Rohit, flattered, changes his mind and says that they should do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Whether he’s talking about the pretend boyfriend-girlfriend thing or the actual boyfriend-girlfriend thing remains ambiguous, but they agree to meet at Club Nirvana at 9. I wonder if it’s the sort of club where dancing and singing might occur, or if it’s more of a low-key, lounge-y type of place.

Part 9 Part 11

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 9

Two cabs stop in front of Naina’s house, and Rohit and some guy in a white tux with a ruffly shirt get out. They bump into each other, and Rohit calls the other guy a waiter, even though he shouldn't make fun of people's clothing while wearing a shirt with a lace-up collar that looks like it came from the Renaissance Fair. Unless he's actually at the Renaissance Fair. They tell each other that they are looking for numbers 29 and 27, then say something in unison that sounds like “Caboose!” but is maybe “Kapoors.”

At Naina’s house, Aman and Gia fence with their silverware. Gia watches sadly as Dadi fawns over Shiv, telling him that he looks like Rakesh Roshan. Next door, Jazz tries to zip up Sweetu’s dress and makes some fat joke that I don’t get about the “BEST Bus.” Maybe the BEST bus looks like Aishwarya Rai’s house? I guess I'll have to go to the bas staap to find out. The doorbell rings in both houses simultaneously. Naina says that it’s Rohit and stands up to get the door, but Dadi insists on answering it. Next door Jazz opens the door and says a flirty “Hel-lo!” to… Rohit, who has brought a bottle of wine and removed some wrist accessories. Meanwhile, Dadi answers the door and greets the guy in the white tux, who was expecting someone younger. Dadi explains that the date’s for her granddaughter, and the tux guy blows her a kiss and says “contribution.”

Jazz flirts with Rohit, then calls for Sweetu, which Rohit assumes is Naina’s nickname and therefore mocks. Next door, white tux guy introduces himself as Guru, and Dadi directs him to the dining room; meanwhile, Rohit wanders around Sweetu’s living room. Jazz returns, puts on some Let’s Have Sex music, and flirts with Rohit, who seems slightly frightened. Guru says that he lives in Jackson Heights and talks about his den in Mumbai, while Jazz sits on Rohit’s lap, compliments his long nose, and asks him what he does for a living. Next door Guru says that he is a video pirate, then extends his fist and says “Video piracy zindabad!” I wonder if that's the Hindi equivalent of “Avast, me video hearties!” Naina accuses him of theft, and Guru gets upset.

Next door, Jazz tries to make her move, but Rohit says that he has to go to the bathroom; coincidentally, Guru also has to go to the bathroom. Rohit throws water on his face and tells himself that everything will be ok, then turns around and bumps into Sweetu; they both scream. So does everyone in Naina’s house, because Guru has a gun. Aman seems excited that someone might get shot, but it turns out it’s just a gun-shaped lighter. Guru says that he’s bailing because Naina is thorny like a cactus. Rohit figures out that Sweetu is Sweetu and not Naina, and tries to leave, but Jazz grabs onto Rohit’s arm and won’t let go, so he reluctantly slaps her hand, which makes the noise of a slide whistle, and runs away. Guru and Rohit run into each other on the sidewalk and figure out what happened, then jump into a passing cab, saying that they will call Naina and Sweetu later.

Aman starts laughing at the mix-up, but Naina is not amused. Aman says that normal people find such situations funny, and Naina asks if he’s saying that she’s not normal. Aman says that if she’s normal, then he’s Sridevi, then does his Sridevi impersonation, which is quite nice. Naina points out that Aman is also not normal, what with the acting like he’s known them for years. Aman says that he’s known them for several lifetimes, then starts poking her. Naina, irritated, tells him to start acting like her neighbor, so Aman honks her nose, says “Ting tong!” and asks for a cup of milk. Naina laughs sarcastically and tells him to take his happy-go-lucky nature and bring it next door, because she isn’t interested. Aman shushes her, then makes a big speech about how she should value the life she has been given, because even though it might look shitty in her eyes, through someone else’s eyes it seems pretty good, and also, kal ho naa ho. Then he tells her that he will teach her how to smile in a simple three-part process. The process is to say “1,2,3, nnnnngggg!” and pretend to pull at the corners of your mouth with a piece of string on 3. Try it, it's fun. He repeats it several times, moving closer and closer into her personal space, until she slaps him away. Then he tells her to keep practicing, says that he’s very sexy, growls, says that Naina’s not his type, and tells her again to practice. Naina runs away.

Naina brushes her teeth in front of the bathroom mirror, as Voiceover Naina says that all night she wondered whether Aman was right. Naina takes the toothbrush out of her mouth and goes “1,2,3, nnnnnnggggg!” at the mirror, but without the sound effects and hand gestures. Cut to Rohit, lying on his bed, who says that of course Naina smiles, like that time when, uhh… Dadi says that Naina will smile at her wedding. Rohit sits in a bathtub next to some grooming products and says, "uhh… " Naina’s mother says that when she was with her father, she smiled. Rohit gets into a cab and says, "uhh…" Guru says that when his big brother threatens her, she will smile. Rohit eats Chinese food, and can’t say "uhh," because his mouth is full.

Part 8 Part 10

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 8

Aman is still carrying Gia, who Naina angrily calls over to the house. Aman walks over with Gia and apologizes for the spontaneous dance routine, then introduces himself. As he looks at Naina, he says that he didn’t know that his neighbors were so beautiful. Naina looks indignant, but Aman says that he was talking about Jennifer. Then he tells Jennifer that she’s very very very beautiful. OK, maybe very beautiful, but very very very beautiful? Aman says that he wants to marry Gia, insults Naina, then invites himself over for dinner at 8. Then he insults Naina again and leaves.

Naina and Dadi ask Jennifer why she invited Aman over for dinner, and she says that he invited himself. Kammo, Vimmo, and Lajjo (hereafter known as the 3 Amigos) enter, as Kammo explains that boys come over from India and take girls for a ride for a green card. Lajjo looks concerned, but Jazz tells her that it’s no big deal. I actually know some people who had a sham marriage so one of them could get a green card. Unless you’re from the INS, in which case I don’t know anyone like that. Naina says that she’s inviting Rohit and Sweetu for dinner as well. The 3 Amigos inquire as to Rohit’s marital status, and Naina says that he’s a boy, he’s single, and he’s Gujarati. The 3 Amigos are displeased, I assume because of the third thing. Naina tells them to relax, and she says he’s just a friend. But baby, he got what you need. Naina says he’s a close friend, like Sweetu, who is right behind them, wearing curlers, a mask, and a gigantic feather boa. Sweetu explains that she’s going on a blind date, which is not in fact a date with a blind boy, as Vimmo had incorrectly assumed, but a date where the boy and the girl have never seen each other. Jazz says that when the guy sees her, he will go blind from the shock, because Sweetu is a horrifying and ghastly sight. OK, she doesn’t say the last part, but really, how else are you supposed to interpret that? Sweetu says “Bye all,” and Jazz replies, “Bye ball!” I’m not sure if that’s a “Sweetu is fat” joke, a cheesy sexual innuendo joke, or a goofy Indian rhyming joke; these jokes all just have so many layers. I tend to prefer jokes that work on just one level, rather than sucking on three different levels.

Naina calls up Rohit, who is wearing 5 watches. Wait, let me rewind that. OK, I paused it, and I think it’s a beaded bracelet, a leather wristband, and a watch. He’s definitely all about the wrist accessorizing. He says he’s at Gita’s apartment in Soho, where she lives with two other girls. Naina comments that he’s found a bonus. Naughty! Then Gita walks into the split-screen with the two other girls, who are…crying babies! They scream cutely and run away from Rohit, who is distracted as Naina invites him over for dinner at 8.

Cut to a woman on a tiny set who is on the phone, asking “8 p.m.?” She explains that that’s short notice for Kunwari Kudi. The woman has two binders, one for women below 45, and one for women above 45, because apparently sometimes women over 45 want love and companionship. Who knew? Lajjo tells her that she wants a Sardar. The Sardar data entry guy asks if he should go, but the Kunwari Kudi woman tells him to shut up.

Aman opens the door and asks Naina where she’s been. Naina carries some groceries in as Aman calls “Jenny” to tell her that Naina’s home, and then makes himself at home in the kitchen. Aman helps Jenny with the cooking, and they tell each other that they are also very sweet, as Naina walks in. Aman tells her that Rohit called to say that he would be a bit late, and asks whether Rohit’s her boyfriend. She says he’s just a friend and tells her mother that she would like to talk to her privately. Aman tells Gia to leave, then butts in on the conversation. Naina drags Jennifer to another room, where they run into Chadda and Aman’s mother, who seems to be reading a coloring book. They say hello, then Naina drags Jennifer into the hallway, where Shiv shows off the new Knicks shirt he got from Aman.

Naina runs into Aman, who shoves some food in her mouth and asks if it needs something. She says it needs salt, and he tells her that she has the same problem. She’s not salty enough? Do you have to be high to understand these jokes? Oh wait, that can’t be the problem. Aman walks across the room to go snoop through the restaurant accounts, and asks Naina how they can be so bad. As Naina takes the book away, saying it’s her private affair, Aman’s mother comes in to apologize and tell her that Aman’s crazy. Dadi tells her that she should have smacked him when he was a kid, then they all say a bunch of stuff that rhymes with “ji” and sit down for dinner.
Part 7 Part 9

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 7

Guitar solo! People breakdance in front of the giant American flag. One of them has a hula hoop. Brrrrrruuuuaah! Jazz finishes dance-watering the bushes and goes out to flirt with Aman, who has raised the hood on his sweatshirt so that he can gesticulate wildly and perform some bad rap:

Yo Pretty Woman
Listen Up Girl When U Feel This Way
Don't U See The Sunshine
Coming Out Today
You Got To Feel It Right Just Like Day After Night
Don’t Let The Sunshine
Out Of Your Sight
Cause I Can Feel You
Can You Feel It
When I Say That
I Can Feel You Here
Can U Feel Me
When I Say That

“I’m CRAZY about you, Pretty Woman!” Chadda tells Lajjo, looking crazed. Lajjo is not sure how to respond. Aman sings that he is amazed by a sight that is the color of gold and the color of crystal. Huh? Is it a chandelier? He, Gia, and Shiv sit on the hood of a moving car as bubbles float by. Then Aman hops off to go do the running man in front of Naina, who pretends that none of this is happening. Aman kisses his mother, then dances with some children, teaching them how to lasso things. Like pretty women, I guess. Group hug! Everyone seems happy except for Naina and Lajjo. A blond guy in a camouflage SPAM shirt starts dry-humping Lajjo, who looks horrified. Seriously, who wears SPAM shirts anymore? Aman rolls his eyes at Wacky SPAM Guy.

Hey, the gospel choir’s here! They sing, “Woah oh oh oh!” and dance down the street in front of the American flag. Oh yeah, we’re in America! I forgot for a second. Aman runs over to march and sing with the gospel choir as people cartwheel across the street in front of them. Aman and the gospel choir wear sunglasses. Then Aman dances some more in the convertible. Naina looks pissed. Everyone punches the air and then lassoes it so they can bring it back to the air ranch. Chadda screams something in Hindi that means, “Go for it!”

Aman carries Gia and sings that the pretty woman's eyes hold an intoxication and that she has several other nice traits that he’s never seen before. Then he dances slowly in front of a crowd as bubbles float by and a giant graffiti banner walks past. The beat kicks in, and the crowd starts jumping in unison as Aman shakes his hips. A guy spins by and stops in front of Aman. They exchange a look. I think they like each other. “Pretty Woman! Look!” they say. Naina angrily pushes her glasses up again, and Jennifer stifles laughter. I know that one day, if I have a daughter, and some random goofball shows up in front of our house with some extras and performs a spontaneous dance routine for her, I will totally be cracking up at her expense.

Aman jumps onto the hood of a moving cab. A Sikh taxi driver gets out, looking pissed that the street is being blocked off by basketball players, a bhangra group, a gospel choir, and Wacky SPAM Guy and his friends. But then he hears the crazy bhangra beat, and starts dancing! Lajjo faints. Sweetu and Jazz fight over a guy in a trucker hat wearing a sweater vest without a shirt. Naina rolls her eyes some more, and Kammo and Vimmo carry Lajjo into the house for some medical attention. End of song. The crowd cheers!

Part 6 Part 8

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 6

Suddenly, winter becomes summer. No one knows why. Children in brightly-colored clothing play hopscotch in the street as the bhangra group rehearses nearby. The people in this movie really seem to have very little concern for the possibility of being run over by oncoming traffic. Shiv sits on the stoop and heckles the basketball players until one of them calls him a little shit. Gia feeds her doll, which has an enormous head. Shah Rukh Khan sits down between them and says hello. He explains that he is their neighbor, then they insult each others’ relatives. They hear Lajjo and her friends’ horrible singing from upstairs, so Shah Rukh Khan starts yelling, interrupting the song. He calls Dadi Jennifer Lopez, perhaps because she has a fantastic ass, then he tells them to stop singing, because they are torturing Saraswati and causing the basketball players to lose their belief in music. Kammo or Vimmo (I have no idea which is which) asks who he is, and he introduces himself as Aman Mathur, Chadda-ji’s nephew.

Chadda-ji shows up to apologize for Aman, and Aman makes up a song about Chadda and Lajjo’s prem kahani, waow-waow-waow, waow-waow-waow, waow-waow-waow. It’s almost as good as the Kunwari Kudi theme song. Aman tells Chadda that Dadi is quite sexy, as Chadda nods. Lajjo yells at Chadda, so he hides behind Aman, because Lajjo will never find him there. Naina sticks her head out a nearby window to ask what’s up with all the noise so early in the morning. According to her shirt, Naina is a “Sporty Girl.” Aman gawks at Naina, whose expression indicates that she wants to know what the hell Aman is gawking at. Aman gestures for her to remove her glasses, but she pushes them up further and walks off in a huff. He continues gawking as Lajjo and her friends complain that he has come to their locality and stopped them from singing.

A singing voice is heard through the window. Apparently, the voice saw someone moments ago. Cut to Aman, who sings, “Who is that stranger?” as Naina hides behind her portable MBA desk reference. As a gigantic American flag rises up to fill the screen, Aman wonders what he may say to the stranger. Hit it! Chadda starts playing the dhol as Naina comes outside to figure out what the fuck is going on. Jazz and Sweetu dance and water their hedge. The friend that I’m just going to start calling Vimmo has a random streamer draped over her head and seems a bit disoriented. Aman continues to wonder about the stranger that he saw moments ago, and whether she is a bud or a ray. He sings, “Pretty Woman!” and everyone yells “Hey!” because the song suddenly seems familiar to them.

Aman does a dance that resembles the Macarena as he sings, “Pretty Woman! Look!” Then he plays some air guitar. Lajjo seems frightened, Vimmo continues to look confused, and Naina wears the skeptical expression of someone who can’t quite believe that a random dude in orange parachute pants has orchestrated an elaborate, quasi-patriotic dance routine on her front porch to a Hindi version of a Roy Orbison song.

Kammo and Vimmo start nodding their heads to the crazy bhangra beat while Aman shrugs his shoulders and throws imaginary stuff in the air. Naina scowls, and her mom nudges her playfully. In the backseat of a convertible, Aman and some women with well-defined abs dance and twirl those ribbons on sticks that rhythmic gymnasts use. Two little girls play under a sprinkler. One of them is shivering, so I guess the water is kind of cold.

Part 5 Part 7

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 5

Cut to a classroom, which a title informs us is the location of a University of New York Evening MBA Session. Rohit and Naina insult each other in a playful fashion, then Rohit notices a girl standing in front of a wind machine. The “Hey girl!” incidental music returns, but without the “Any girl will do!” chorus, because apparently Rohit has developed a minimal set of standards. Naina says that this is a new student named Gita Pardekhar, and tells Rohit to leave her alone, because she is a divorced hussy. Rohit asks Gita to sit in his heart, or at least behind him. She reaches the seat at the same time as an older woman, and Gita motions for the older woman to take the seat. That’s totally what I would do if some random guy asked me to sit in his heart. Well, maybe not if he looked like Saif Ali Khan. Rohit steals Naina’s pen and writes “Dinner at 9?” on a fluorescent orange post-it and passes it behind him without looking. The older woman looks flattered, writes a note back, and Rohit looks at it, smiles, and gives the thumbs up. Then he turns around and realizes he gave the note to a 50 year old woman instead of Gita. He looks worried as Naina smiles and returns the thumbs up.

Rohit pulls out a small black book, steals Naina’s pen and starts writing in it, as Naina voiceovers that she didn’t like him at all when she first met him, but that today, he’s a very close friend. She says that basically he’s a nice guy, and she knows this because he didn’t cancel his date with the old lady. Cut to Rohit and the woman at a restaurant, toasting wine glasses. The woman chugs her wine all in one go, and Rohit stares for a moment in disbelief, then orders another glass for her, because if it’s not going to work out, they may as well get hammered. Naina voiceovers that when she sees Rohit, she forgets about all her household problems.

Like Gia getting bitchslapped by her grandmother. Dadi helps Shiv up from a fall as she admonishes Gia that he could have gotten hurt. Then she turns back to Gia to yell at her and shake her some more. Jennifer walks in and tells Dadi that Gia’s just a child, and that it is Dadi’s duty to forgive her, not to hit her. Dadi says that she can’t even forgive Jennifer, and Jennifer asks what she needs to be forgiven for. Dadi says that it’s because of Jennifer that her son -- suddenly Naina walks in the door, covered in fake snow, and tells Dadi that that’s enough. Actually she says “Bus!” (According to this random website of Hindi phrases that I just found, the Hindi term for “bus stop” is “bas staap.” Just in case you were wondering.)

Naina voiceovers that there is a fact that her family never talks about that was mentioned today, the fact that her father committed suicide. Actually, no one mentioned it until Naina brought it up, but I’m glad she told us; it’s not good to keep those sorts of things bottled up. Dadi tells Jennifer that the truth is always bitter, but Jennifer says that no one knows the truth. Did Scully and Mulder ever find out the truth, or did they just end up being really confused at the end like I was?

Upstairs, Gia, Shiv, and Jennifer huddle on the bed and cry. Gia sobs that Dadi hates her, and Jennifer tells her that Dadi doesn’t hate her. Shiv helpfully points out that Dadi actually hates Jennifer. Ha! I love Shiv. Jennifer tells him not to say that, and says that everything will be ok. Shiv asks when everything will be ok, and Jennifer tells them that when she was a girl, her mother told her that Jesus sends his angel to all of us to wipe our tears. But what about if we’re crying over stupid shit? Like when I was 13, I really wanted this stereo with a CD player, and my parents wouldn’t buy it for me, and I had this big sobbing hissyfit in the food court, and then when I got home, it turned out they had already bought one and had wanted to surprise me with it for my birthday. God, I was an asshole. I hope Jesus doesn’t have to waste his time with shit like that. Anyway, Jennifer talks some more about how the angel will bring them happiness and take away their sorrows, and Gia asks when their angel will come.

Violins! It’s some guy, on a boat. He’s facing away from the camera. Jennifer tells Gia and Shiv to pray for an angel. Hey, it’s that guy again! Now he’s adjusting his scarf! And fixing his hair! Naina walks in and starts praying, too. Now that guy’s at the train station with an older woman. He walks down some stairs at the station, as we cut to a shot of the family praying from outside their window. That guy bumps into Naina, spilling coffee all over her. He turns around. It’s Shah Rukh Khan! He’s getting some napkins! He overhears Naina talking all crazy about how Sweetu’s man is going to leave her, and thinks, “Dude, woman’s got abandonment issues.” Sweetu says that she’s going to re-marry, and he laughs as Sweetu shoots him a look. Hey, it’s the sassy look from before, but from a different, more informative angle!

As she prays, Naina asks God to bring some light to these dark times. A light appears on the balcony across the street. Is God going to have a smoke on the balcony? No, it’s Shah Rukh Khan again. He plays with the fake snow and fixes his hair again, then looks across the street at the family praying through the window. He smiles to himself.

Part 4 Part 6

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 4

Shot of a bridge at twilight, then a cut to Naina, waiting under a red umbrella by the Wall Street bull statue and bitching about the rain. Saif Ali Khan comes running up and jumps over a fence, but freezes mid-jump, as Naina realizes that she forgot to do the Saif Ali Khan voiceover. We rewind to show him running backwards and into an elevator, then back to an office. The video plays forward again as he talks on the phone, and Naina voiceovers that this is Rohit Patel, son of Karsanbhai and Sarlabhen Patel, who are among the richest Gujaratis in America, and whose food chain Dial-a-Dhokla is quite popular in America. They should expand into theme restaurants with random Indian junk nailed to the walls and servers who wear buttons that say stuff like, “We’re not in Gujarat any more!” That would be popular, and awesome. Rohit lives alone in New York, and has made no progress in the advertising world for the last three years. He has a pretty nice corner office for someone who sucks at advertising. As Rohit leaves the office, he tells someone to have fun in the Hamptons, then tries to ask out the receptionist Julia, but some guy with an Eastern European accent beats him to it.

Naina voiceovers that Rohit isn’t as cool as he thinks he is, but that he never stops trying. An elevator opens to reveal a dark-haired woman on a cell phone who looks like Stacy from What Not to Wear. The incidental music sings, “Hey girl! Any girl will do!” signaling that a lifelong romance is about to blossom. Rohit edges past a tall black man standing near the front of the elevator and nods at the woman. He says “Hey gorgeous,” then hits on her in Hindi because he has Hindi-Speaking Person Telepathy. She responds in Hindi that she is married, in a voice that suggests that she learned her lines phonetically. Rohit says so what, and she says she’s married to the other guy in the elevator. They make kind of an odd couple, what with the standing stiffly several feet away from each other and not making eye contact through this whole conversation, but I shouldn’t judge their relationship. The elevator doors open to reveal the guy holding Rohit up by the neck as his wife screams, “Put him down, Lou! Put him down!” So does Lou speak Hindi as well? Rohit adjust his tie, remembers that he’s late, and runs out of S.B.Y. Advertising Agency. As Rohit jumps over the fence again and walks up to Naina, she voiceovers that she’s taken M.B.A. classes with him for the last year.

Naina asks Rohit if he got hit again, so apparently this whole macking on people in the elevator in front of their significant others and then getting beaten up thing happens to him a lot. They talk about what they did that weekend. Naina went to Paris and London, but only sarcastically, and Rohit’s weekend was rocking. He and Laila were in the same room, in the same bed, all weekend long. Naina looks disgusted as Rohit pumps his fist in a manner indicating the occurrence of sexual intercourse. Cut to Rohit’s apartment, where two nearly empty glasses of wine sit on a coffee table next to a copy of FHM with Tara Reid on the cover. I wonder what a movie starring Saif Ali Khan and Tara Reid would be like. I’m thinking it would be a train wreck of fabulousness. The camera pans up to a pair of feet sticking out from under a sheet as Rohit laughs, “No, no, Laila, stop it. Stop it, Laila.” It pans further up to Rohit’s face, which is being licked by his dog, Laila. Wait, so why does Rohit want Naina to think that he and the dog are having sex?

Part 3 Part 5

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 3

As they walk through Grand Central Station, Naina hands Sweetu the letter that got mixed in with her mail, and Sweetu explains that it’s an application for a dating service. Naina asks Sweetu what she has written about herself, and she starts to say that she wrote that from far away, she looks like Aishwarya Rai, but Naina interrupts and says that up close, she looks like Aishwarya Rai’s house. Did she see Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam? That house is pretty sweet, except for the whole having to wander for days through the desert just to get to the damn place.

Someone bumps into Naina, causing her to spill coffee all over herself. Sweetu starts to help her clean it up, but then gets distracted by a goofy-looking guy who is rapping along with his discman. “Just look at me, I’m out of control,” he raps, as he points to himself. Sweetu seems enthralled by the way he’s standing around in the middle of the train station, swaying back and forth like this panhandler that used to hang out in Harvard Square and sing along to “Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” on his radio.

Naina’s annoyed that Sweetu’s not paying any attention to her, and tells her to shut up. She says that Sweetu’s only interested in boys, and that one day, she’ll get the boy that she wants, they’ll get married and have kids, and then he’ll leave her and go away, and then what will Sweetu do? Sweetu says that she’ll just get married again, then glances sassily at the camera. She says that what her didi says is right, then touches Naina’s cheek and says, “Babes, you need help.” Naina looks exasperated.

Cut to Lillette Dubey, who is peeking through some blinds at a Chinese restaurant across the street. She mutters some bleeped out swear words about the bastards taking all their business. Naina voiceovers that this is Jazz, full name Jaswinder Kapoor, Sweetu’s sister and unfortunately Jennifer’s best friend and business partner. Apparently her problems are the youth that she clings desperately to and the age that she refuses to accept. Aren’t those the same problem? Three attractive construction workers walk into the restaurant, so Jazz adjusts her boobs in her corset-y looking top and goes out to bring them some coffee in a flirtatious manner, pretending to burn herself with the hott, hott coffee and whatnot. They mock her because she is a single woman who has passed marriageable age, calling her “Mummy.” I’m not sure if they’re referring to her as their mother, or as a preserved Egyptian corpse. I guess either way, the joke is that she’s an old hag, so it works on a number of different levels. She throws them out of the diner, calling them some more bleeped out swear words. You know what’s nice about the internet? No bleeping. Shit! Fuck!

Later, Jazz apologizes to Jennifer as Naina and Sweetu look on, Sweetu wearing an ugly-ass skirt that looks like it’s made of patriotic bunting. Jennifer is frustrated and recaps the loan situation for everyone, then says, “Goff!” in frustration as Naina gives her a hug.

Part 2 Part 4

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 2

Lajjo tells her Saraswati statue that she and her friends Kammo and Vimmo are going to present a song, requested by their neighbor, Chaddha-ji. She mentions that he lives in Queens, just in case Saraswati wants to contact him later. In a shrill voice they sing a song instructing someone named Pritam to come hither, so loudly and poorly that all the basketball players, gospel singers, and bhangra groups in the surrounding neighborhood have to cover their ears. Naina interrupts the singing, yelling for her grandmother to stop. She wants to know what all this Kunwari Kudi business is about, showing her grandmother three pictures, each of a bearded man wearing a turban. Her grandmother says that all 3 are handsome; Naina says she thought they were all pictures of the same guy. Her grandmother says no, it’s three guys, and admires them again. Then she sings the Kunwari Kudi theme song, which is a pretty catchy number about choosing your groom, one, two, or three, hey ow-ow, hey ow-ow, hey ow-ow! Naina says she doesn’t want to marry one, two, or three, but her grandmother wants to know how she will have children. Naina explains that she can still have children without getting married, but not in a lot of detail, because that would just be weird. Her grandmother agrees, then looks startled.

Cut to a TV, showing a basketball game. A kid in pyjamas shouts in a manner that indicates that he is emotionally invested in the outcome. Naina voiceovers that this is her brother, Shiv, a handicap. Not that she lets that define him, or anything. A younger girl in a nightgown, Gia, plays with her dollhouse, showing Naina her doll family. She points out her mother, dressed in blue, Naina, who is a redhead with a bob haircut, Shiv, who is also a redhead, herself, a blonde, and…she points to a doll in a gray salwar kameez and a shawl…Dadi walks in the door and immediately starts fussing over Shiv. When Gia says good morning to her, Dadi blows her off and asks Shiv about his schedule for the day. Gia looks sad as Naina voiceovers that Dadi hates Gia because she’s adopted. Well, that sounds like a perfectly good reason to hate someone that will remain unchanged throughout the rest of the movie. Naina says that Gia always keeps the Dadi doll away from her perfect family, as Gia moves the doll with the salwar kameez from the living room of the dollhouse to an adjacent pink bedroom.

Naina explains that Jesus and Guru Nanak are also doing battle in the house, as we cut from a picture of Guru Nanak to a picture of Jesus across the hallway from it. What would have been cool is if they had shown Jesus and Guru Nanak actually having a swordfight in the hallway or something.

Kitchen table. Shiv puts some coins on the table and tells Naina to bet. Naina tells Shiv not to irritate her, and Shiv calls her a chicken and says it’s just one dollar. The subtitles translate this to “Chicken is just one dollar.” Dadi complains about the cereal they’re eating for breakfast and reminisces about garam garam aloo parathas from Chandigarh. Jennifer tells her that she should go to Chandigarh if she misses it so much, and then they start arguing about who loves the children more and what life would be like if Naina’s father were still alive. Naina tells them to stop fighting, then gives Shiv a dollar, because he’s won the bet, as usual. Maybe Naina should asks for odds.

As Naina leaves the house, she voiceovers that her mornings always begin with a fight between her mother and grandmother, followed by her storming out angrily. As she walks into a Starbucks, Voiceover Naina explains that every morning she then has to listen to her stupid idiotic neighbor Sweetu’s stupid idiotic chatter. Naina voiceovers that Sweetu’s full name is Jasprit Kapoor, and that she is unfortunately Naina’s best friend, as Sweetu orders two glazed donuts and two blueberry muffins for herself because according to the movie she’s a giant disgusting blob of lard-ass. Naina says that Sweetu’s two problems are the weight that she never loses and the fact that she doesn’t care. I think that Sweetu’s main problem is the fact that her best friend is a judgmental bitch.
Part 1 Part 3

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 1

Certificate. A message tells us that any resemblance this movie has to actual events is coincidental. I’ll have to keep that in mind in case anything realistic happens. Production credits. Fade to black. All is silent except for a solemn heartbeat. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Now for some jazzy French horn music! It’s the Statue of Liberty. Hey, this isn’t India! What’s going on? Helicopter shots of tall buildings and a large, rectangular park. Preity Zinta’s disembodied voice tells us that it’s New York, one of the biggest cities in the world. Thanks, Preity! She says that in New York everyone is in a hurry, as indicated by the speeded-up video of crowds walking fast along busy streets. Preity explains that New York has no time for slow people, and that the city is infested with Indians. She probably could have found a nicer way to say that, but OK. In fact, every fourth face in New York is Indian, she says, as the faces of Indian people light up in color among the black and white crowd. One in four sounds a bit high, but I’m too lazy to do research, so we’ll just leave it at that.

As the camera zooms in on a jogging woman’s backside, Preity says “Oh, by the way, that’s me.” A catchy beat kicks in, and Preity’s back jogs through a crowd, past a restaurant, a market, and along the center lane divider of a bridge. Preity should watch out, because New York has no time for pedestrians who jog in the middle of busy four-lane highways. She runs through Central Park, then to a bridge, where she pauses. She sits down on a bench with her back to the camera, as Voiceover Preity says that this city taught her to fulfill her responsibilities and to face life, but that it couldn’t teach her how to love. If New York can’t teach her how to love, maybe she can receive tuitions from somewhere else. My relatives are all about the tuitions; I bet they could hook her up. Anyway, Preity says that in New York there’s no time for love, and that when she watches the city from afar, she feels her Papa is closer. Her imaginary Papa and Child Actress Preity frolic along the bridge as Jogging Preity watches. Jogging Preity turns around to reveal her face in profile. She removes her glasses and blots some invisible tears from her eyes with her fingertips. As she gazes off into the middle distance, she tells us that her name is Naina Catherine Kapur, and this is her story.

Jaya Bachchan is on the phone in a yellow-wallpapered dining room. She expositions to Mr. Shah on the phone that she must have the loan extension, please, because even though the restaurant is centrally situated, there is competition. Voiceover Naina tells us that this is her mother, Jennifer, and that since Naina’s father passed away, all the responsibility for the family fell on her, but that Jennifer never let them feel this burden. Well, then how does Naina know that she’s a burden? As Naina walks in, her mother says “Thank you,” and hangs up the phone. Jennifer wipes away her invisible tears with her fingertips in the same way that Naina does and asks Naina where she’s been. She says that she’s been at Central Park, meeting someone. Naina’s mom asks who, and Naina says sarcastically that she was meeting her boyfriend. Her mother says, “Tah!” and taps her on the arm.

Naina looks through the mail, which is mostly bills, then finds a letter marked “Private and Confidential.” Jennifer says that it’s hers, and takes it from Naina. Naina says that they’ve gotten Sweetu’s mail again, and that she can’t understand why the mailman can’t figure out that they’re the Kapurs with a U, and their neighbors are the Kapoors with an O. She notices an envelope from a marriage bureau called Kunwari Kudi and angrily asks her mother what it is. Naina says that she doesn’t want to get married, and asks why Dadi won’t just leave her alone. Her mother asks why Dadi won’t just leave. Naina taps her on the arm. She doesn’t say “Tah!” though. They wonder where Dadi is, then some basketball players, a gospel choir and a bhangra group shout out a ten second countdown to………an elderly woman! Naina’s grandmother Lajjo. Naina says that all her grandmother wants in life is for New York to become part of Punjab, for Naina to marry a Sardar, and for Naina’s mother to die. Sounds like a lovely woman.
Part 2