Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 23

Shiv rocks out. Flute interlude. Rohit and Naina perform some kind of swingy ballroom dance. Shooby dabba dabba doo wah! DOO WAH! Rohit flings away Naina, who is replaced by Aman. Rohit and Aman shrug, surprised to see each other, and then join hands and dance around. They pass Kantaben, who seems concerned, and Jean de Bon, who seems excited that this movie might finally be delivering on the hot Khan-on-Khan action that it's been promising for the last two and half hours.

Naina sings about pretty flowers and the shehnai playing in her heart, and says that all the stars in the sky are hers. I wonder if “stars in the sky” is a metaphor for “money in Rohit’s bank account.” Is the banister supposed to be on fire? Women twirl around with brightly-colored scarves as Naina smiles at either the aerial camera or the stars in the sky. I’m still not clear on whether this hall is supposed to be indoors or outdoors.

Rohit and Aman chase after Naina and tell her to watch her step, because hearts here are skipping a beat. Then they see Rani Mukherjee and decide to chase after and incur heart damage from her instead. Stir, stir, elbow, elbow, elbow! Rani shows them some new moves. First they fold the meringue, then they honk the truck horn. Fold, fold! Honk, honk, honk! Aman and Rohit thank Rani for the new moves by checking out her ass as she waxes the air.

Aman grabs a baton and conducts a humming interlude. He and Naina exchange furtive glances in the foreground, then Rohit, standing a few feet behind them, smiles at Naina and steps forward. Cut to Naina, crying. This bodes well for the wedding. Jennifer sing-wonders how she can tell Naina how much she loves her. How about via song? As she sings about how happy she will be to accompany Naina in her palanquin, Gia walks by, waving at everyone through the window of what I assume is a cardboard mock-up of a palanquin. Or maybe palanquins are two-dimensional; I actually have no idea. As they watch Gia, Naina mouths an “I love you” to her mother. Aw.

HEY! Rohit and Aman sing about hearts skipping a beat again, then it’s time for the chorus. Now Naina joins them. This time it’s whirl to the left, whirl to the right, elbow the guy/girl to your left. As Aman sings about jewelry again, he notices Kajol showing off her earrings. They say hi to each other, then elbow the guy to their left. This time during the “Rabba! Rabba!” part the jumping guys don’t seem to get as much air. I bet they drank too much nectar. Rohit and Aman point at Naina, because she is the beautiful one that they would like to come over here. Right after they whirl around and elbow the guy to their left one more time. As the saxophone plays some riffs from the My Two Dads theme song, Rohit and Naina exchange rings. Rohit’s hand looks suspiciously chubby in the close-up shot. End of song.

Time to bust out the dandias! Microsoft word keeps changing my “dandia”s to “dandie”s. Oh Microsoft Word, why all the dandia-hate? The music starts up again, and everyone yells “Hey!” and does an overarm cricket bowling motion with their dandias. Quick cuts of people dancing and yelling “Hey!” I think Vimmo/Kammo is doing the robot. It’s pretty awesome, but only lasts for a second. The dancing grows faster and more exuberant. In slow motion, Aman skips around, then twirls in a circle, arms outstretched. His expression shifts from happy to surprised, and he stops twirling and slowly falls to his knees. His vision becomes blurry and the music becomes whispery and foreboding as people continue to dance happily in a circle around him. Can’t they hear the whispery and foreboding music? Slow-motion images fade in and out of Aman’s vision. After about thirty seconds of swooning, Aman realizes that he is surrounded by the most obliviously happy dancers ever, and rises to his feet by himself, clutching his left arm. You’d think Priya could have at least warned Aman to avoid strenuous exercise during one of the pensive walks that pass for medical care at her HMO.

Cut to Aman’s bedroom, where he is crouched on the floor, sweaty and gasping for air. After all the shitty medical care Aman’s received in New York, I kind of don’t blame him for not going immediately to the hospital. Cut to the hospital. Wait, so did he just go home to change his clothes? Montage of gurney-rolling shots. Aman’s mother looks on, distraught but nicely coordinating with the blue and off-white color scheme of the hospital. A doctor tells Aman that another episode could result in – he pauses. Aman says that he understands. But doesn’t he at least want to check that the doctor means “death,” and not, say, “mild discomfort”?

Part 22 Part 24

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 22

Voiceover Naina reads the letter, in which Gia’s mother explains that after six years of only asking about Gia, she wants in her last letter to thank Jennifer for all her courage, love, acceptance, and general awesomeness. Why is this her last letter? I bet she’s going to ask Gia to go find Jennifer’s college friend at summer camp and concoct an ingenious scheme to make them fall in love. Meanwhile, Johnny Lever will get up to some wacky hijinks. As Naina reads the part of the letter asking Jennifer for forgiveness, Jennifer sits in church, where Dadi finds her. They give each other a hug, and Jennifer sobs that her husband was a good man, who made a mistake. Naina comes up behind them and joins the group hug.

Voiceover Naina says that Gia’s perfect family was finally complete. Well, except for the biological mother who abandoned her but continued to write self-involved letters for six years until mysteriously cutting off further communication. Gia moves the Dadi doll out of the bedroom and into the family room with the rest of the dolls, then the family prays together. That means they’re staying together! Meanwhile, engagement preparations are in full swing, with Jean de Bon, the famous French decorator, doing up the Patel mansion. He says, “Drapes!” in a manner that indicates that he just arrived on the last Stereotype Airlines flight from Gayville, as drapes emerge from nowhere with a fluttery wave of his hand. At Aman’s house, the women stand on the staircase and sing badly while Aman conducts. It looks like one of those random Huxtable lipsynching numbers that used to break out on The Cosby Show every once in a while.

As Kantaben blesses Rohit, Voiceover Naina explains that her prayers were being answered; Rohit was marrying a girl. Actually, Kantaben’s prayer was that Rohit and Aman would always be far apart. I wonder if God will answer that rather ominous-sounding prayer? Meanwhile, Jean de Bon gays it up, sees Rohit, and puts his arm around him, but Kantaben shoves him away before Jean de Bon can tell Rohit about the nice French toaster oven that could one day be his.

Voiceover Naina explains that the day of the engagement had finally arrived, and that Gujarat had opened its doors to Punjab. Naina’s family and Aman’s family enter the hall to the sound of drums. Dandias clack, indicating the start of a song.

A group of aunties and uncles sing about the quality jewelry found in their community. But what is this community? And how do you spell its name? “G-U-J-J-U!” they sing. They inform us that G-U-J-J-U stands for “Gathiya!” “Undiyo!” “Jamwa (eat)!” “Jamnagar!” and “UUUU!” I don’t speak Gujarati, but based on the appalled faces of the audience, I’m going to guess that “Gathiya-Undiyo-Jamwa (eat)-Jamnagar-UUUU!” roughly translates as “Gujaratis like to eat babies.” The camera zooms in on Rohit’s parents’ asses bumping up against one another, while Rohit tries to disappear into the ground. “Rohit and Naina, we are proud of you! Gujju!” they chant, as everyone looks confused. At least I’m not the only one.

Awkward silence ensues. Then Aman shouts that the song was fantastic, and everyone cheers and pretends to agree. Aman says that now that they have heard the Gujaratis’ ode to jewelry, eating babies, and the happy couple, it’s time for the Punjabis to get with the proverbial jiggy. He calls for Frankie, who suddenly appears on a nearby balcony. Frankie blows Sweetu a kiss, which Aman returns, telling him to begin. Song!

As he shows off some of his invisible jewelry, Aman sings about Naina’s forehead adornment and her dangly earrings. He sings, “Maahi Ve!” and does this move where he clasps his hands together in front of him and swivels his torso from side to side. I’m trying to think of a good name for the move, because it’s going to come up a lot in the song, but right now, the best I can do is “Elbowing the Tall Guy to Your Left.” Aman sings about Naina’s musical bracelets and anklets. Maybe she got them from the Gujarati community! As he and some friends shrug their shoulders, Aman tells us that several of Naina’s body parts are saying “Rabba Rabba!” because they are drunk on nectar. The background singers jump up in the air, arms spreadeagled, each time Aman sings “Rabba Rabba!”, possibly because they are also drunk on nectar. As he sings the chorus, Aman stirs the pot and then elbows the tall guy to his left. He tells Naina to “Aaja maahi ve!” then waxes the floor. Or more accurately, waxes the air six inches above the floor. Rohit’s parents try out some bhangra moves.

Rohit tells Naina that she has dark eyes and a fair face, then elbows the tall guy to his left. He and his friends dance-chase after her, then screw in some lightbulbs as Rohit sings about her moon-like beauty. Oh, maybe he’s screwing in the moon, and not lightbulbs. Some women gather around Naina and elbow the tall girl to their left. Rohit does the “Rabba Rabba!” shrugging/jumping thing, then stirs the pot with Aman for the chorus. “Soni! Soni! Aaja maahi ve!” Stir the pot! Stir the pot! Elbow, elbow, elbow! They do a new move that I’m going to call “Reversing the Car,” then crouch down and wax the air/floor again.

Part 21 Part 23

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 21

At Naina’s house, everyone waits around, then Aman’s cell phone rings. He answers the phone, mumurs “Oh,” solemnly, then hangs up the phone. He avoids eye contact with Jennifer and shakes his head gravely. Then he whispers, “She said 'yes.'” Everyone cheers! Except Aman. But then he cheers! Because it’s a façade! He exchanges a look with his mother; her gaze tells him that her motherly X-ray vision can penetrate even the most jovial of façades. Fortunately, Dadi shoves some jalebi in their mouths before Aman’s façade can fall apart too much. Aman tells everyone that he needs a hug, so Jennifer and his mother embrace him as he cries tears of clearly demarcated sadness rather than joy. The camera rotates to reveal that Dadi, Sweetu and Jazz are also involved in the group hug, which remains oddly somber and motionless for at least thirty seconds. I think the overarching theme of this scene is supposed to be AMAN IS SAD ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT.

I wonder what Rohit and Naina are going to do for the rest of their date at the empty concert hall. Maybe the chorus and string orchestra will have time to do a few songs from Khabhi Khushi, Khabhi Gham. Of course, it’s not like actually seeing Naina’s response to Rohit’s proposal might be of any dramatic interest to the people watching this movie, so maybe we should skip right over it. Thanks, movie!

Voiceover Naina explains that the next step was to convince Rohit’s parents about the engagement. Aman and Rohit talk with Rohit’s parents at their house, which seems to consist of a gigantic courtyard where a man dressed in white stands at attention, carrying a tray. For people who are supposed to be millionaires, Rohit’s parents seem to have an odd disinterest in purchasing any kind of furniture for their vast, marble courtyard. Maybe they spent all of their money on that guy with the tray. Voiceover Naina explains that it wasn’t that hard to convince Rohit's parents about the engagement because… “It’s just geography!” they exclaim as they sit in Naina’s living room with her family. Rohit’s father forgets Jennifer’s name and then asks her to pass him the cock. Shiv giggles, as Rohit, embarrassed, tells his dad that it’s pronounced “Coke.” Rohit’s father dismissively continues talking as Naina glares at Shiv.

Rohit’s mother explains that they would like to have the engagement and the wedding anniversary on the same day, and the wedding two days later. Jennifer and the family agree, and Rohit’s father explains that they’re getting a famous decorator from Paris to decorate his hall, which he pronounces “hole.” He talks some more about how he has a very big hole, and his wife agrees and makes gestures indicating the largeness of the hole. Rohit corrects his pronunciation again as Jennifer smiles politely and Shiv tries to stifle his giggles, probably wondering if there's going to be any cock in the hole.

Dadi talks about how happy she is with the match, then says that she only wishes her son were there to see it. Rohit’s parents express sympathy and ask how he died. Dadi says, “heart attack,” as the tympani of Dadi Being Full of Shit sounds. Dadi says that she’s just waiting for Naina and Shiv to settle down before she goes back to Chandigarh, but not for Gia, because adopted children don't deserve love. The Dadi Being Full of Shit Tympani goes “Boing?” as Rohit’s parents look concerned. Jennifer retorts that Gia is just as much theirs as Naina. After a moment, she tentatively adds that her husband didn’t die of a heart attack; he killed himself. Rohit’s parents exchange shocked but sympathetic glances, and Rohit looks at Naina with a mix of surprise and understanding.

Later as Jennifer cleans up, Dadi asks her why she had to go and reveal the truth like that. Jennifer says that it’s a bad idea to start relationships with lies, which starts Dadi off on one of her “Everything is Jennifer’s fault” kicks. I bet you could start talking to Dadi about the NBA playoffs, and she would somehow turn it into a rant about how Jennifer drove her son to suicide. Meanwhile, Gia eavesdrops from the stairs. This will probably end well. Dadi refers to Jennifer as her daughter-in-law, but Jennifer retorts that she will only be her daughter-in-law when Gia is her granddaughter. Dadi says, “You know what, you’re right. I should just accept Gia into this family as the adorable adopted moppet that she is.” Just kidding! She says that Gia will never be her granddaughter, will never be part of the family, and is only a burden. As Gia sobs upstairs, Dadi says that every bad thing in the entire world that has ever happened is Gia’s fault, especially her father’s suicide. Dadi starts yelling that she hates Gia, and Gia runs outside in tears, screaming for Aman. I think a lot of problems could be avoided in Hindi movies if people would just learn to discuss their painful family secrets in quiet indoor voices.

Jennifer and Dadi, apparently oblivious to the fact that Gia ran out of the house in tears, continue their debate. Dadi announces that her son made two mistakes, marrying Jennifer and adopting Gia. Aman suddenly shows up in the living room to reveal that he made a third mistake. Was it an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope? Dadi asks him what the hell he’s doing there, which provides a convenient segue for Aman to launch into one of his dramatic monologues. He explains that Jennifer’s husband had an affair, one result of which was Gia. When Gia’s mother refused to accept her, Jennifer adopted her, even though Gia was a constant reminder of her husband’s affair. Aman explains that Jennifer’s strength reminded her husband of his own weakness, which is why he killed himself. Gia’s mother certainly wrote an informative, if ambiguously addressed, letter.

Part 20 Part 22

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 20

In his apartment, Rohit gingerly opens a box, which contains a red tie and a bad poem from Naina about red ties and something Buddhu. I have no idea what Buddhu means, but Rohit seems pleased, and goes looking for Aman. He finds Aman in his bedroom, tells him that he loves him, points in the general direction of his red tie/crotch, and tells Aman to look. For some reason, Aman doesn’t want to look at Rohit’s tie/crotch, even though five minutes ago, he was all about having sex with him in the elevator. Rohit explains that Naina gave him the red tie and a love letter, then he urges Aman to start working on his Six Days, A Girl in Your Face book. Meanwhile, Naina walks up to the doorway to Aman’s room and overhears their conversation, failing to be distracted by the giant framed picture of a professional wrestler hanging in the hallway. Aman sees Naina in the doorway and tries to cover by telling Rohit that he didn’t do anything, it was all Rohit’s idea. Rohit, oblivious, insists that it’s because of Aman that Naina is in his heart and his breath. Rohit had better watch out that Naina doesn’t suddenly sneak up on him in the realm of his eyes. And should maybe also see an oral hygiene specialist about the breath thing. Aman points out that Naina is in his room, then runs away to look out the window while Rohit and Naina exchange awkward stares. Naina throws her mini-backpack down in anger and storms out of the house.

Naina runs to the train station while Rohit chases after her. She turns around and tells Rohit that he and Aman should win an award for Six Days, A Girl in Your Face, but seems angered rather than pleased by this accomplishment. She says that Rohit was supposed to be her friend, but then he told Aman everything that Naina had confided in him, and was convinced by Aman that what he felt wasn’t friendship, but love. Rohit insists that he loves her, and that’s the truth, but Naina says that’s not the truth; the truth is that he has broken her heart and hurt her. Then she turns to Aman and tells him that even though her life sucked before, at least then she had a friend, but now she doesn’t even have that anymore. Aman tries to stop her from leaving as a multiracial crowd of Hindi speakers stands around and eavesdrops.

Naina tells Aman to leave her alone and walks away. Aman pulls the black diary out of Rohit’s pocket and starts reading aloud. He reads that Rohit wishes he could tell Naina how much he loves her. Then he reads, “I love you; I love you very much, Naina.” Naina turns around as Aman continues, “I love you and –" He turns the page, which is blank. Rohit’s pen must have run out. Aman decides to freestyle, saying that whenever he closes his eyes, he sees Naina, and then whenever he opens them, he longs to see her. And then whenever he stares for too long at a computer screen, sometimes Naina becomes a little blurry. Aman describes how he feels her presence everywhere, throws in some metaphors about his heart, and starts crying. He’s not even pretending to look at the diary anymore as he says that his love stands apart from all other loves because those loves didn’t involve Naina. As Aman and Naina gaze tearfully into each others’ eyes, Aman says that he will love her forever. He explains that everything he just said while maintaining unwavering and heartfelt eye contact with Naina is what Rohit wrote in his diary. Rather than sticking around to read some passages about Rohit’s red underwear as I had hoped he would, Aman walks away, while Rohit, Naina, and the multiracial Hindi speakers stand around, unsure what to do next.

Aman leans against a phone booth on the train platform, trying to compose himself. Rohit approaches him, worried about the fact that Aman just turned him into even more of a fraud than the fraud that Naina was initially angry with. Aman points out that Rohit would have said the same thing as Aman if his pen hadn’t run out right in the middle of “I love you and –" Aman assures Rohit that girls like it when people do this sort of thing, and tells him that he’s done it a lot. So when Aman likes a girl, sometimes he gets a friend to pull out his half-written diary and make up long, obviously fake monologues off the top of his head on Aman’s behalf? If this is the sort of dating advice that Aman plans to include in Six Days, A Girl in Your Face, well, I guess it probably can’t be any worse than most of what’s already out there. Aman excuses himself from talking to Rohit to go make a phone call, by which he means weep inconsolably about his unrealized love and impending death.

Naina goes to her special sobbing spot, the picnic table by the bridge, where her mother tracks her down. She tells Naina that a lifelong relationship requires both strength and love, and that her father loved them a lot, but was weak, which is why he left them all high and dry. Jennifer says that Rohit isn’t weak, and that he loves her a lot. Naina asks if it isn’t a sign of weakness that Rohit needed Aman’s help to obtain his love, but Jennifer responds that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. She doesn’t express an opinion about the ethics of fake diary monologues, though. She says that the fact that Rohit is willing to accept Naina even though she’s in love with someone else is a sign of strength and love, and that if Naina rejects him, it will be a girl’s decision. Tomorrow when she repents it, it will be a woman’s regret. The hours between the girlish decision and the womanly regret might be a good time for Naina to sing that Britney song and make up some nice choreography, though.

Rohit zones out in his office, then gets a phone call from Naina. She says tentatively that she wants to talk to him, and that it’s “kind of private.” Cut to Sweetu, reading an envelope labeled “Private and Confidential, J. Kapur.” She thinks it must be from Frankie, and runs up to tell Jazz. Aman walks in, congratulates them on something, then looks at Jazz’s ass and declares it “fantastic.” Aman tells them that Naina wants to see Rohit for their first meeting, they gasp, then Sweetu tells them a few more times about the letter from Frankie and goes to open it. Aman steals the letter from her and starts to read it, but his face falls and he tells Sweetu that it’s not Frankie’s letter. He strides purposefully over to Jennifer’s house with the letter.

At Naina’s house everyone gathers downstairs as Jazz runs down the steps shouting that Naina’s coming. Naina, carrying a bouquet, walks downstairs in a not very attractive white dress as everyone claps and showers her with flower petals. Is Naina planning on squeezing in a quick marriage before her date with Rohit? As she leaves, Aman tells her to wait. He lets her hair down, and we get a helpful flashback to Rohit saying that he likes Naina’s hair down, in case we thought that Aman simply took a casual interest in Naina’s hair, and not that Naina’s hair was a metaphor for her shifting allegiances in a passionate love triangle.

Naina steps out of a limo and walks into a darkened concert hall. A spotlight suddenly illuminates Naina, then another reveals Rohit, dressed in a tux and holding some long-stemmed roses. He walks up to Naina and tells her that he knows that she doesn’t have love for him today, but that she will eventually. And since he knows that his love is enough for the both of them, he asks her to take the roses that he had hoped to give her so many fateful pages ago. He says, “Naina…Naina…Naina,” as a bell tolls and various concert hall lighting fixtures illuminate on cue. “Marry me!” he asks, as a chorus of women in gold dresses walk out onto the balcony and sing “WIIIILLL YOOOUUU MAAA-RRRYYY MEEEE?” accompanied by a small string orchestra. Rohit drops to one knee. Naina stares at him for a moment, then closes her eyes. I think she’s concerned about how casually Rohit’s taking things on their first date.

Part 19 Part 21

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 19

Aman voiceovers that today, Rohit will tell Naina what’s in his heart. Someone approaches Naina. It’s a guy named Lee, who thanks Naina for her notes and tells us that it’s Day Four. Rohit walks up behind Naina and says hi, but Naina storms away, pissed that he hasn’t been around when she’s most needed a friend. Rohit tells Naina that he’s tired of being a friend, because he gets all of the laughing and all of the crying, but none of the loving. He explains that a very intelligent man once said that the first step to love is friendship, and the last step is also friendship, and that the middle is all that’s left. I think that’s the part with the sex. Rohit tells Naina to take a step and find her path. As he leaves, Rohit says that to do this, he gives her – he looks at his watch – the rest of his life. I guess Rohit’s watch has one of those creepy countdown timers that tells you when you’re going to die on it. As Rohit walks away, Voicover Naina says that she wondered what Rohit meant. Did she also wonder who the “very intelligent man” was? Because that was totally vague. Voiceover Naina says that at that moment, Rohit ceased to be her friend, and became something else. But she doesn’t know what.

A newspaper-reading Wall Street guy tells us that it’s Day Five. Rohit greets Naina, calls her “sweetie,” and kisses her on the cheek in a smarmy yet dorky manner. He gives her a box, which he says contains his heart. Then he gives her the smarmy-dork smile again, blows her a kiss, and walks away. Why are Rohit and Naina always having these thirty-second meetings at scenic locations around the city? You’d think that once they went to the trouble of meeting each other, they’d at least have coffee or something. Naina opens the box, which contains the red dress from before and a bad poem about Rohit’s heart and Subhash Ghai.

Uday Chopra bicycles by and tells us that it’s Day Six. Rohit and Naina hang out in a park, where Rohit recites more poetry and asks Naina to take salsa lessons with him so he will have an item to perform at his parents’ wedding anniversary. He tells Naina that since she’s going to be his life partner, she may as well be his salsa partner. Naina says no. He tells her that he just wants to dance, not enchance. Naina says no again. With lines like these, I’m starting to see why Naina only spends thirty seconds with Rohit at a time. He makes some cute puppy dog faces, and Naina finally gives in. Two seconds after Naina leaves, Aman pops up and praises Rohit’s poetry recitation. Rohit sighs and says that he really loves Naina, and Aman says he loves her too, then pretends that he’s lying. After Rohit leaves, Aman, looking pensive, recites the poem that Rohit was just delivering and pounds his fist against his heart, which has totally screwed him over.

Salsa class. Rohit and Naina suck, then they get better. Meanwhile, Aman stalks them from the second floor balcony. Song! Aman, dressed entirely in white, walks around on a bridge and sings about how life’s always changing. And also the weather. As he stands precariously on the edge of the bridge, he sings that we should live life to the fullest, because tomorrow might never come, especially if we spend a lot of time balancing dangerously close to the edge of bridges. He decides to hang out on the edge of a different bridge and makes some more death-dying expressive gestures. Meanwhile, Rohit and Naina share an apple in the park and then shove each other playfully while wearing subtly color-coordinating clothing. They watch a sunset, then Rohit strangles Naina affectionately.

Aman lurks around invisibly and gazes at Naina while singing that someone who loves Naina with all his heart is the one for her, and that if she meets a person like that, she should take his hand. Well, that’s not helpful at all. Naina’s problem is that she’s met two people who love her with all their hearts, and she prefers one of them, but he is dying and has a pretend wife. As Rohit and Naina wander off to frolic some more in the park, Aman reminds us again about how we’re all going to die. He gazes into the sky, where he can just barely make out a fantasy sequence in the distance.

Aman, dressed in a suit, hangs out in Rohit’s office, then turns down a date with Julia the receptionist on the way out. He hits on the What Not to Wear woman in the elevator, even though she is now married to Rohit. Aman says that he doesn’t mind, then Aman and Rohit edge closer together as the elevator door closes. Aman meets Naina for M.B.A. class, then in class he tries to arrange a three-way with Gita, who seems into it. So basically Aman’s fantasy is that he sets up threesomes with everyone he meets? I didn't realize Aman was such a ho.

Aman meets Naina for an elegant rooftop dinner and sings that if someone should get close to her in the realm of her eyes, she should try a million times to control her crazy heart. AAAAHHH! Sorry, someone just snuck up behind me in the realm of my eyes. As Aman drags a rose between Naina’s breasts, combs her hair with it, then tosses it away, he sings that though she will try to control it, Naina’s heart will continue to beat wildly in the realm of her eyes. Will her pancreas continue to secrete insulin into her Achilles tendon, or can that be brought under control? As he lowers his head to the level of Naina’s chest, Aman sings that this moment may not exist tomorrow, which is why he’s taking such a good, long look at Naina’s breasts right now while he has the chance.

Aman, dressed in white again, sits on another railing and looks at the fountain in Central Park. Then he walks around the fountain in a disappointingly non-death-defying manner while repeating the first verse. Rohit and Naina salsa some more, then Priya finally provides Aman with some actual medical care, an echocardiogram that beats in time with the song. It’s a good thing Aman came to New York for treatment; in India the technology that makes echocardiograms beat in time to popular songs is actually slightly less reliable. Alternating shots of salsa dancing and medical treatment. Priya does very little to hide her horrified expression as she looks at Aman’s EKG readout, but Aman laughs it off, because the song is ending, just like our lives.
Part 18 Part 20

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 18

Montage of Rohit going out on a couple of awkward dates with Camilla, as the incidental music tells us a few more times about how she wants his money. Rohit and Camilla emerge disheveled and half-dressed from behind a couch. I think it would be nice if the incidental music people composed a little song about what Rohit wants out of this relationship. Rohit goes shopping to buy a necklace for Camilla, but finds out that it costs $20,000, so he decides to get her a dozen roses instead for $5. I wonder if Rohit does this sort of thing a lot. Like maybe he'll be planning a lavish vacation on the French Riviera, but then he'll just decide to go get some nachos instead. Rohit asks the florist for yellow roses and says that the red ones disturb him, being associated in his mind with feelings of love, rather than feelings of "hooking up behind the couch is fun.”

Rohit gets a call on his giant cell phone from Camilla, who is at the spa, but lies that she’s at the temple, because she has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They make a date for 9 at Water’s Edge. At the restaurant, Rohit runs off to talk to a friend, while Camilla schemes with the waiter and hands him a ring. Meanwhile, Aman, wearing a sweatshirt with the hood up, skulks into Rohit’s apartment as Kantaben gasps. Is he trying to be sneaky with the hood up? Because the sweatshirt is bright chartreuse, so I don’t see how that helps. Aman asks Kantaben where Rohit is, but Kantaben says that she doesn’t know. As Aman starts snooping around, Kantaben tells him that Rohit’s with a girl, emphasizing the word “girl” to indicate that Rohit is back in the cupboard. (Metaphorically, not with the girl.) Kantaben won’t tell Aman where Rohit has gone, but he finds a note on the fridge that says “9 pm, Water’s Edge.” Kantaben begs him not to go after Rohit, but Aman says dramatically that he will die before he leaves Rohit, and then takes off after him quicker than you can say “Aaaaaaaaayyy, KANTABEN!”

Camilla finds a ring in her champagne glass and announces to the restaurant that she will marry Rohit. Rohit excuses himself to the bathroom so he can freak out in peace. Meanwhile, Camilla pays off the waiter and celebrates on the phone with her mother so openly that even a casual eavesdropper like Aman can figure out what's going on, despite not having been alerted to her intentions by the incidental music. In the bathroom Rohit splashes water on his face and tells himself that marriage will be great. He bumps into Aman, who tells him that Camilla only loves his money. She doesn't love the hooking up behind the couch? Rohit is insulted and says that that’s not true, so Aman advises him to tell Camilla that he’s not going to accept his father’s money, and is going to make his own way in the world. Rohit tells Aman that that’s sick and cheap, and that he will never say such a thing. Then he says it to Camilla, who disappears with one last chorus of “She wants your money!”

Rohit’s roof. Rohit covers his ears and sings that Aman is talking rubbish as Aman follows him, talking rubbish. Rohit turns toward the camera, recaps the love triangle situation, and explains that Aman is trying to convince him that he shouldn’t give up on Naina. So maybe Aman's the one who stencilled the words "STAY POSITIVE" onto Rohit's button-down shirt. And then apparently ran the shirt over several times with a bicycle. Aman says that Naina only thinks she’s in love with Aman because he’s a new entry to her life, and that she takes Rohit for granted because she's known him for so long. He tells Rohit to forget the dosti-wosti and show Naina some love. I mean love-wuv. They gaze off into the distance and list some of Naina’s nice qualities, which include her eyes, her fury, and her hair, which Aman likes up, but Rohit likes down. Rohit asks Aman what he should do now, and Aman says that he’s got a plan, the English title of which is “Six Days, a Girl in Your Face.” It’s no He’s Just Not That Into You, but maybe it sounds better in Hindi. The plan takes six days because Aman doesn’t work Sundays. Like God. Or an angel, maybe. I don’t know. Do angels work Sundays?

Aman and Rohit have a beer at Water’s Edge as the scheming waiter from before tells us that it’s Day One. Rohit explains that Naina waits for him here every day at 6 so they can walk to class together. Aman tells him not to meet her today and offers a convoluted explanation of his plan that involves saying the word “confused” a lot. I think the plan is to confuse the audience into thinking that the Six Day Girl in Your Face plan actually makes some kind of sense. Aman explains that the first step of the plan involves sticking a headphone in Rohit’s ear. Some sort of confusion ensues, followed by laughter. I’m just going to assume that the Hindi word for “ear” sounds like the word for “ass,” and that this is a putting stuff up your butt joke. Aman tells Rohit to listen to the headset and do whatever Aman tells him to do. As Rohit walks down the street, Aman tells him to loosen his tie and do a Stayin’ Alive-style disco walk. Rohit obeys, even though Naina is nowhere in sight and he looks like a doofus. Aman should tell Rohit to put his underwear on his head and do the Roger Rabbit. Once Rohit reaches the classroom, Aman instructs him to sit down next to Naina and ignore her when she asks him where he's been. Aman tells Rohit to glare at her, approves his angry glare even though he supposedly can’t see it, then tells Rohit to stick his finger in his nose.

Gita and some friends of hers walk into class and tell us that it’s Day Two. As Aman hangs out at the expensive necklace store, he advises Rohit on his headset to sit next to a sexy woman in class. Rohit sits next to Gita, so Aman tells him to flirt with her in front of Naina and say that it’s his birthday. The lady at the expensive necklace store overhears Aman say "It's my birthday," and wishes him a happy birthday. Aman and Rohit get pretend birthday kisses on the cheek, inappropriately hug the saleswoman and Gita respectively, then get smacked.

As he gets into a cab, Rohit tells us that it’s Day Three. Aman skateboards up unsteadily, wearing an ipod and generally being a cool dude; he tells an annoyed Rohit not to go to class today. Cut to Rohit’s apartment, where Aman does the moonwalk while Rohit complains that his plan is rubbish. Rohit says that he hasn’t talked to Naina in three days, and Aman points out that he hasn’t either. Rohit counters dramatic ironically that Aman isn’t the one in love with Naina. Aman advises a frustrated Rohit to ignore Naina’s calls, then the phone rings, and Rohit answers. He yells, “Naina, I love you, I love, you, I love you!” into the phone, but it’s for Aman. After he takes the call from his mother, Aman tells Rohit omnisciently that Naina will wake up, debate whether to call Rohit, put down the phone, curse Rohit twice, then decide to call after all. Meanwhile, Naina does these things exactly as predicted. Aman didn't predict that she would be wearing her FBI t-shirt, though. The phone rings, and Rohit gets up to answer it. Aman grabs him from behind and tries to prevent him from answering the phone by dry-humping him, while Rohit bends over and yells, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" Guess who shows up? Aaaaaayyyy, KANTABEN!

Part 17 Part 19