Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 22

Voiceover Naina reads the letter, in which Gia’s mother explains that after six years of only asking about Gia, she wants in her last letter to thank Jennifer for all her courage, love, acceptance, and general awesomeness. Why is this her last letter? I bet she’s going to ask Gia to go find Jennifer’s college friend at summer camp and concoct an ingenious scheme to make them fall in love. Meanwhile, Johnny Lever will get up to some wacky hijinks. As Naina reads the part of the letter asking Jennifer for forgiveness, Jennifer sits in church, where Dadi finds her. They give each other a hug, and Jennifer sobs that her husband was a good man, who made a mistake. Naina comes up behind them and joins the group hug.

Voiceover Naina says that Gia’s perfect family was finally complete. Well, except for the biological mother who abandoned her but continued to write self-involved letters for six years until mysteriously cutting off further communication. Gia moves the Dadi doll out of the bedroom and into the family room with the rest of the dolls, then the family prays together. That means they’re staying together! Meanwhile, engagement preparations are in full swing, with Jean de Bon, the famous French decorator, doing up the Patel mansion. He says, “Drapes!” in a manner that indicates that he just arrived on the last Stereotype Airlines flight from Gayville, as drapes emerge from nowhere with a fluttery wave of his hand. At Aman’s house, the women stand on the staircase and sing badly while Aman conducts. It looks like one of those random Huxtable lipsynching numbers that used to break out on The Cosby Show every once in a while.

As Kantaben blesses Rohit, Voiceover Naina explains that her prayers were being answered; Rohit was marrying a girl. Actually, Kantaben’s prayer was that Rohit and Aman would always be far apart. I wonder if God will answer that rather ominous-sounding prayer? Meanwhile, Jean de Bon gays it up, sees Rohit, and puts his arm around him, but Kantaben shoves him away before Jean de Bon can tell Rohit about the nice French toaster oven that could one day be his.

Voiceover Naina explains that the day of the engagement had finally arrived, and that Gujarat had opened its doors to Punjab. Naina’s family and Aman’s family enter the hall to the sound of drums. Dandias clack, indicating the start of a song.

A group of aunties and uncles sing about the quality jewelry found in their community. But what is this community? And how do you spell its name? “G-U-J-J-U!” they sing. They inform us that G-U-J-J-U stands for “Gathiya!” “Undiyo!” “Jamwa (eat)!” “Jamnagar!” and “UUUU!” I don’t speak Gujarati, but based on the appalled faces of the audience, I’m going to guess that “Gathiya-Undiyo-Jamwa (eat)-Jamnagar-UUUU!” roughly translates as “Gujaratis like to eat babies.” The camera zooms in on Rohit’s parents’ asses bumping up against one another, while Rohit tries to disappear into the ground. “Rohit and Naina, we are proud of you! Gujju!” they chant, as everyone looks confused. At least I’m not the only one.

Awkward silence ensues. Then Aman shouts that the song was fantastic, and everyone cheers and pretends to agree. Aman says that now that they have heard the Gujaratis’ ode to jewelry, eating babies, and the happy couple, it’s time for the Punjabis to get with the proverbial jiggy. He calls for Frankie, who suddenly appears on a nearby balcony. Frankie blows Sweetu a kiss, which Aman returns, telling him to begin. Song!

As he shows off some of his invisible jewelry, Aman sings about Naina’s forehead adornment and her dangly earrings. He sings, “Maahi Ve!” and does this move where he clasps his hands together in front of him and swivels his torso from side to side. I’m trying to think of a good name for the move, because it’s going to come up a lot in the song, but right now, the best I can do is “Elbowing the Tall Guy to Your Left.” Aman sings about Naina’s musical bracelets and anklets. Maybe she got them from the Gujarati community! As he and some friends shrug their shoulders, Aman tells us that several of Naina’s body parts are saying “Rabba Rabba!” because they are drunk on nectar. The background singers jump up in the air, arms spreadeagled, each time Aman sings “Rabba Rabba!”, possibly because they are also drunk on nectar. As he sings the chorus, Aman stirs the pot and then elbows the tall guy to his left. He tells Naina to “Aaja maahi ve!” then waxes the floor. Or more accurately, waxes the air six inches above the floor. Rohit’s parents try out some bhangra moves.

Rohit tells Naina that she has dark eyes and a fair face, then elbows the tall guy to his left. He and his friends dance-chase after her, then screw in some lightbulbs as Rohit sings about her moon-like beauty. Oh, maybe he’s screwing in the moon, and not lightbulbs. Some women gather around Naina and elbow the tall girl to their left. Rohit does the “Rabba Rabba!” shrugging/jumping thing, then stirs the pot with Aman for the chorus. “Soni! Soni! Aaja maahi ve!” Stir the pot! Stir the pot! Elbow, elbow, elbow! They do a new move that I’m going to call “Reversing the Car,” then crouch down and wax the air/floor again.

Part 21 Part 23