Main Hoon Na, Part 3

End of song. The dude with the skanky hair is named Lucky, and has been in college for about 10 years. There’s a party for Lucky in class, where he enters accompanied by trumpeters and some guy in a sweater vest who looks vaguely like a slightly older Kal Penn. Various people offer testimonials about how stupid and lovable Lucky is, including a Sikh dude who totally pings the gaydar and a bespectacled woman who looks like Saif Ali Khan. Has anyone seen Dhadkhan? When I watched that, I saw Dev’s mom and thought, “Dude, why is Saif Ali Khan playing an old lady? Oh, wait, that’s Sharmila Tagore.” That was probably the best part of Dhadkhan, which completely and utterly sucked.

Sorry, back to Main Hoon Na. A nerdy guy wearing a pimp hat seems to have a crush on Sanjana. Outside, the nerdy guy (Percy) proposes that he arm-wrestle Lucky to impress Sanju, because nothing can win the heart of a girl like arm-wrestling prowess. Macho dude Vivek stops by and interrupts, challenging Lucky to a match. The winner gets to kiss Mini, a student who likes to pout sexily and wear scanty clothing. The loser has to suffer an undetermined punishment. To prevent Lucky from winning, Sanju burns his arm with the cigarette she is holding for him. Kinky! Lucky’s punishment is that he has to push the next person who walks through the college gate. Will it be Anupam Kher?

No! It’s Shah Rukh Khan, who is dressed in nerdy yet oddly stylish clothing – white shirt, brown and gray sweater vest, and giant bell bottoms. Lucky pushes him over, then they have a macho staring contest. Lucky says that he’s ready to fight, then after another tense moment of staring, he does the Karate Kid crane move and makes some Three Stooges “Woop woop” noises. Ram tries to talk to Sanjana, which annoys Lucky, who begins to walk away, but Ram grabs his hand and doesn’t let go, thus proving himself the alpha male, or at least sexually confident enough to hold hands with another man in public.

Suddenly loud bhangra-y music begins to play as we cut to an older woman carrying some knitting who rushes up to Ram. Apparently the joke with this woman is that she can’t speak English very well. She tells Ram to meet her in the backside when her period is empty. Who knew Hindi movies could be so pervy?

Next Ram meets with the principal. Apparently the joke with him is that he is borderline retarded. They discuss the fact that Ram is undercover, while the principal refers to him by every rank except for major. For some reason, the music from Austin Powers starts playing, and as the principal bids Ram good bye, he says in English, “Over and out. Tango and cash. Each man for himself.” Such are the proud contributions of American culture to the global community. The principal leaves, then returns, remembering that it’s his office. Stupid people are funny.

SRK goes in search of Sanjana. A Hip/trip-hoppy song starts, in which someone with a voice like the “Ohhhhhh, yeahhhhh” guy in the Twix commercial sings “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?” Yeah, I have no idea. We see the twins, looking like they’ve been hopped up on No-Doz for a little too long. Scenes of Ram not fitting in with the college folk. Ram at the ID office. Behind him in line is Indian Joey Lawrence Frat Boy. How’s frat life going, Joey? Rocking the party scene? Kicking some kegs? Having lots of casual sex?

Classroom. Satish Shah is the teacher. The joke with him is that he spits a lot. So nuanced, these characterizations. Satish Shah yells at the students because they are a bunch of lazy undisciplined brats. He confronts SRK, at which point the incidental music inexplicably turns into the first two bars of “Naughty Girl.” That Ram, he’s a naughty girl, and he’s calling all his girlz. They’re gonna turn this party out. The teacher is about to kick Ram out of class when the principal stops by, wearing a lovely banana yellow soccerball tie, to bail him out and explain to the class that Ram has returned to the college to complete his education, which he cut short due to family responsibilities.
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