Main Hoon Na, Part 2

The back of an ambulance. Gen. Sharma and SRK, who we learn is Maj. Ram Sharma, emote, as Gen. Sharma reveals that SRK is not is only son. GASP! Following some slo-mo gurney-rolling shots identical to the ones in Kal Ho Naa Ho, we cut to father and son in the hospital. Gen. Sharma tells Ram that he wants forgiveness from his wife and non-bastard son, who he hasn’t seen for 20 years, and he wants both of his sons to perform his last rites. Way to make this all about you, Gen. Sharma. Ram goes back home to reflect and talk with the servant, whose name appears to be Caca. Tough break, Caca. Flashback!

Nine year old Ram shows up at the Sharma household with a letter and a smart Tommy Hilfiger sweater vest. His mother can’t take care of him any more, so she has sent him to live with Gen. Sharma. Young Ram sits on a swing and eats a candy bar nonchalantly as Sharma and his wife Kirron Kher argue about whether or not to take in the bastard child. Kirron Kher says that either Ram goes or she goes. When Sharma says that he has no choice but to take the boy in, Kirron Kher leaves with the other son, whose earsplitting screaming completely upstages the kid playing Ram, who woodenly wipes imaginary tears from his bone-dry face.

Gen. Singh’s office. Singh wants Ram to go to Darjeeling, where his daughter Sanjana is studying at St. Paul’s College, because he has been receiving death threats from Raghavan, the masked terrorist. Singh says that his daughter is angry with him because he didn’t love her enough, due to the fact that she is not a boy and therefore not worthy of love. Ram is reluctant to go, since he wants to focus on finding his estranged relatives. Gen. Singh reveals that there is another student in Darjeeling that Ram may be interested in. Someone named Lakshman Sharma. I imagine that this is Lakshman Sharma, long-lost stepbrother of Major Ram Sharma, rather than, say, Lakshman Sharma, long-lost stepbrother of Jimmy Sharma, the used car dealer. Singh tells Ram that he must go undercover as a student so that he can protect her at all times. Ram thinks that he will be more convincing as a teacher, but Singh is firm that Ram should play a student. We zoom in on a picture of Sanjana at university. Song!

We follow Sanjana through an archway into a tunnel. A moment of darkness, then doors open to reveal sunlight and a group of bizarrely-dressed college students. Sanjana dances and sings about the wind, birds, and bumblebees’ affairs. Maybe there will be a subplot about a bumblebee who knocks up some bumblebee that’s not his wife, and then his bastard son tries to track down his stepbrother bumblebee, perhaps ascertaining his whereabouts using a bumblebee waggle dance. A girl dances by in a puke green poncho with some kind of beaded fringe. Cheerleaders. Twins in identical clothing and color-coordinated bucket hats. People scream random English words like “Wazzup!” and “Say what?” A guy who looks like Joey Lawrence wears a shirt with Greek letters that says “Only the strong survive” on the back. Are there Indian frats? I wonder what they’re like. They should totally do a Bollywood version of Animal House.

Pause in the dancing, which was shot in a single take. Cut to a moving motorcycle, with a mysterious leg. Is it Anupam Kher’s? Ram is on a train, drinking some refreshing Aquafina bottled water, wondering what his brother will be like. Ram talks so much that everyone in the train compartment falls asleep. He smiles and strokes his hair.

Cut to…another Khan stroking his hair! Zayed. He has long skanky hair, a headband, and jeans with about 8 pockets on the legs. He dances, then twirls his arms like Michael Stipe in the R.E.M. “Stand” video, runs around, then hops in a circle on one foot. It is oddly compelling. Sanjana throws imaginary stuff in the air. What is it? You decide.

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