Hooray for Bollywood.

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 9

2005-11-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

Back in his bedroom, Rohit stares at the statue from his shrine and wonders why he is being punished when he has committed no sin. He asks the Lord for strength. After a moment the Lord responds with "The Om Song." Rohit looks outside; "The Om Song" seems to be coming from the shed. When Rohit enters the shed, he sees that the computer is processing a bunch of complicated space scientific information. He plays "The Om Song" on the Fisher Price Octopad, and the tune is repeated back to him by the aliens/computer. Then Rohit plays the radio edit of "The Om Song," which the aliens are also down with. They repeat it back to him, then Rohit and the aliens jam for a little while.

Meanwhile, at the Nescafe, the electricity goes on the fritz. (Do people use that expression any more? Is there a hip new term for "going on the fritz" that I should know about?) As lights flash off and on all around town, Rohit continues to jam with the aliens, while Nisha lies in bed and hugs her pillow. Then the power interruptions hit the Sansui store. Sansui! Sansui! Sansui!

Sonia wakes up, looking startled. I think she was having a bad dream about Sansui. The thunder cracks just outside her wide-open, gusty window. (Don't people in Bollywood movies ever worry about their stuff getting blown all over the place when they leave their windows wide open so the curtains can billow spectacularly?) Sonia gets up, looks for Rohit, then notices the lights and the jamming emanating from the shed. Remembering what happened the last time massive power surges, thundering rain, and surround-sound "Om Song" improvisation all occurred simultaneously, Sonia runs to the shed. She screams at Rohit to stop playing with the octopad and unplugs the computer. Then she smacks Rohit but good. It's pretty awesome, and I say this as someone who normally hates movie slapping. Rekha displays a veneer of almost imperturbable classiness, but deep within, there's clearly some part of her that longs to kick the living crap out of Hrithik Roshan.

The power goes out all over town; even at Nisha's house. Now how will she hug her pillow? The townspeople run to what I guess is the town square, which is located in a neighborhood that looks strikingly like Stars Hollow. Inspector Khan and Johnny Lever note that this is no ordinary power cut; even light sources that aren't powered by AC current such as flashlights and candles are being extinguished! In Spectacular View of the Hills #8, gigantic roiling storm clouds loom on the horizon. Also looming is…a hugeass spaceship! It looks surprisingly realistic (or as "realistic" as hypothetical alien spaceships can look), especially considering that most of the sets from the film look like they were stolen from the Kasauli High drama department. The townspeople stare in awe at the unexpectedly high-quality CGI work as it passes overhead, causing light sources of all varieties to flicker below it.

The power eventually returns, so Nisha and her parents gather around the fire to watch the TV news. The newscaster explains that Kasauli residents claim to have seen a UFO, but that no one believes them, especially not those fancy space scientists. More townspeople gather around the TVs at the Sansui store. If this movie is any indication, Indian newscasts are as plagued by news ticker overuse as American ones. The Saxenas watch the broadcast at their house, sitting on a couch next to a framed photo of Raj that looks as if it was cut out of Tiger Beat magazine.

Helicopters hover toward the camera; Inspector Khan sits in one of them, rocking the requisite aviator shades. A crowd stands stock-still and watches the helicopters pass overhead. Meanwhile, Khan and the other aviator sunglass-wearing bigwigs in the helicopter (including District Magistrate Harbans Saxena) notice a giant scorched circle in the ground below. As they examine the circle more closely, the bigwigs hazard a guess that the giant spaceship-shaped scorch mark in the earth might have been made by the giant spaceship-shaped spaceship that passed overhead last night. One of the bigwigs suddenly comprehends the enormity of the situation, and quickly seizes on the appropriate response: a two day official holiday!

Time for a marching band! And people dressed up like elephants and robots! And some totally creepy-looking clowns on stilts. Seriously, one of them looks like he has blood dripping all over his face. Rohit's friends scooter up to his house, dressed equally bizarrely. One of the girls is wearing a giant lampshade that covers the entirety of her head, while another one is dressed as a bunch of fluorescently-colored grapes. Rohit asks what the hell is going on, and Bittu explains that there's a carnival at Mall Road, and that people are dressed up like aliens. The residents of Kasauli are certainly putting a much more festive spin on the extraterrestrial landing than I would have expected. Rohit goes inside to put together his alien costume, which consists of a poncho and an earthenware pot with a face drawn on it. Sonia hears him putting together his half-assed alien costume and comes out to ask him what he's doing. He explains that he's going to the carnival dressed as an alien, but Sonia tells him firmly that he's not allowed to go, because he's "different." Outside, the kids overhear the argument and run away. Apparently they're also familar with Rekha's scary violent side.

Part 8 Part 10

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 8

2005-10-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

Nisha, now dressed in formalwear, covers Rohit's head with her scarf and asks him how meeting her makes him feel. Rohit sings that he'll whisper the answer in her ear if she comes closer, but Nisha runs away from him. As she runs away from him, she explains that she is not heeding his request to come closer. When Nisha is finished with her Grover impression, Rohit sings about meeting an unnamed person again, then Nisha plays peek-a-boo with her bangles and does some bharatnatyam-esque dance moves. Rohit plays peek-a-boo too, but can't keep up with Nisha's mad bharatnatyam skillz.

Rohit, now dressed in a blazer, rows Nisha across a lake. He docks his boat, the S.S. Goodsirs, at the bank of the lake, reenacts a Coke commercial, then taunts Nisha with false promises of a cookie. Nisha, pissed at the cookie-taunting, leaves in a huff, so Rohit follows her, offers her the cookie, and sings that when Nisha is with him, she is close to him. Justifiably unimpressed by these sentiments, Nisha continues to walk away, but Rohit salvages the date by explaining that even when she's not with him, she's close to him. About to bite into the cookie, Nisha pauses, singing that "There can't be a realization like this one." She rewards Rohit for his unprecedented realization by giving him back the cookie, tapping him on the nose, and adjusting his tie. I'm totally not understanding the dynamic between these two at all. Is Nisha is girlfriend or his mom?

Rohit does one of his spazzy dances as he sings that he doesn't understand what's happening, either. Nisha demands that he must understand, he must (!), shoves him, grabs him by the tie, then dances all sexy-like next to him. I think this song is supposed to illustrate the confusion of late-onset puberty. Rohit and Nisha do the "I've found someone, but I'm not going to explain who he or she is" dance, then Rohit escorts Nisha through a gigantic field of grass as the song fades out.

Cut to Rohit, asleep at his computer. I should have known that that song was too vague to be anything but a fantasy sequence. Sonia calls Rohit in to dinner as the computer equipment shoots off giant sparks of foreshadowing.

Basketball court. Raj makes a shot, putting the Kasauli Tigers ahead of the Blue Bulls. (I know there's a joke to be made right here, but the possibilities are just too overwhelming.) Nisha, wearing a yellow Tigers cap and some hot pink whiskered jeans, cheers, then spots Rohit across the court and beckons for him to join her. Rohit steps over a Honda billboard and walks directly across the basketball court, where Raj crashes into him mid-play. Rohit apologizes, but Raj raises his fist to punch him and exclaims, "Djjjdshsht!"

Fortunately, Nisha steps in and escorts Rohit off the court as the announcer explains to the crowd that a beautiful girl is walking away with the boy, and that he's not sure which story to narrate. I think it would be awesome if I went to a basketball game and the announcer started giving color commentary on some random date that was going on in the stands. Unfortunately, the announcer seems to disagree, and instead narrates that the Blue Bulls have stolen the ballonce (?) from Raj and tied up the score. As the seconds tick down, Rohit offers Nisha some Lays potato chips, Nisha ignores him and cheers for the Tigers, the subtitles announce that Raj Saxena has scored the winning basket, then five seconds later Raj Saxena scores the winning basket. Raj hangs from the basket and showboats as Nisha hops around, clapping dorkily and screaming, "YAAAAAY!" As Raj accepts the (Honda) Hero Cup on behalf of his team, Rohit observes Nisha's teenybopper-like fawning, sighs, and looks away sadly. Hell, I'm not even in love with Nisha, and I can hardly bear to look at it.

Later that night, Rohit practices basketball in the darkened gym. The stadium lights ignite one-by-one. A moment later, Raj walks onto the court with his gang, attempting to look as menacing as is possible when sporting a popped collar, Elvis hair, and a shiny, skintight plastic shirt decorated with a print resembling turkey feathers. I wish people dressed like Raj at my gym. Raj asks Rohit what he's doing there; Rohit tells him he wants to become a basketball champion like Raj, so everyone will clap for him. Raj offers to teach Rohit basketball, but the offer is punctuated by a threatening, thunderclap-like noise that I believe is meant to indicate that the lesson will involve humiliating Rohit in some manner. (Sorry if I ruined the surprise.) Raj and his friends form a circle around Rohit and pass the ball around him, then peg him in the face with it. Raj apologizes, but Rohit tells him it's ok. They hurl the basketball at Rohit's head a few more times, knocking Rohit's glasses off and making him cry. They stop to point and laugh for a moment, then resume whipping the ball at Rohit's head, as Rohit inexplicably stands there and takes it. Finally, Raj hands Rohit his glasses, warns him not to try to compete with him for Nisha, then heads off to his Thanksgiving Elvis disco party.

Part 7 Part 9

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 7

2005-10-04T17:32:00.000-07:00

Rohit's shed. Rohit and Nisha dust off the computer and plug it in. When Nisha notices the swirling galaxy displayed on the two-color monitor, Rohit explains that his father was a scientist who used the computer to talk to the people in the stars. Nisha peers at the screen, which flashes the words, "PRESS 'ENTER' TO CONTINUE." She reads aloud, "PRESS 'ENTER' TO CONTINUE," then exclaims, "Enter!" as she presses the "Enter" button.

The computer flashes a new screen divided into four quadrants that contain complicated space-scientific information. Nisha spots a flashing message at the bottom of the screen and reads aloud, "Press Key B." She presses "B" on the keyboard, but nothing happens. Rohit points out that there is also a button on the Fisher Price Octopad labeled "B." He connects the octopad to the computer and presses "B." The computer plays the first note of "The Om Song." Surprised, Nisha and Rohit stare at each other, then notice that the message on the screen has changed to "Press Key C." Rohit presses "C," then plays "F" when prompted. He recognizes the tune from the days when he looked like Shah Rukh Khan and played piano with Sonia, so he plays the rest for Nisha. Nisha asks him to teach her the song, so he goes through it again, placing her finger on each of the buttons. As "The Om Song" echoes eerily around them, they shove each other playfully and laugh uproariously. Maybe they're thinking about that hilarious time when they skipped in a circle around some tall objects. Song!

Rohit and Nisha ride Rohit's new bike over a bridge beside a beautiful lake. As Rohit plays Cat's Cradle, Nisha sings that her dreams and desires now have a face, and that her life has a purpose, because koi mil gaya (she has found someone). Rohit, echoing my thoughts, inquires about who she has mil gaya'd. Nisha replies that koi mil gaya. Ok, then. They share a bizarre moment that I will attempt to describe and interpret:

Rohit: "Oh ho ho ho ho ho!" [walks over to Nisha]
I believe that you are referring to me, but are too shy to express your affection explicitly!

Nisha: "Oh ho ho ho ho ho!" [shoves Rohit's forehead]
Well, someone seems to think quite highly of himself!

[places hand to forehead, scans horizon, waggles thumb for several seconds, then points to herself]
I am still looking for a man who does not have three thumbs. I'm actually pretty superficial.

Rohit and Nisha: [look at each other, nod, and sigh ] "Oh, ho-ho!"
Oh, you!

Rohit presents Nisha with some daisies and points out that they have met several times before, but that today, he suddenly feels that he's found someone. He shows Nisha how to do the flying bird dance from the first song, then Nisha practices it. Nisha shimmies her hips and asks Rohit who he has found; Rohit is similarly evasive, but does not make use of elaborate hand gestures. They sketch each other in front of a farmhouse, accompanied by dramatic choral music reminiscent of the Mike and the Mechanics hit "The Living Years."

Part 6 Part 8

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 6

2005-09-27T00:49:00.000-07:00

Rohit does some fancy wire-assisted dance moves and sings that he's breaking free. So then how does he plan on performing his fancy wire-assisted dance moves? He slips and falls on his ass. See, I knew he should have stuck with the wires. Nisha offers him her hand, then they dance around in the rain in front of a Sansui sign. Now Nisha's breaking free! And pointing! Rohit and Nisha do a marionette-like dance, then some badly-dubbed tapdancing, then jump in a puddle of mud. As they sing about how much fun they're having, they dance around a pole, but not like strippers. Next they dance around a tree, meet in front of the tree, do their supercool handshake, then erupt into hysterical laughter. I had no idea dancing in circles around tall objects could be so hilarious. Rohit fiddles around with his suspenders, then skips down the street with Nisha. While Rohit does some more fancy wire-dancing, Nisha does some similar but less fancy non-wire dancing behind him. I wonder if she wishes she'd downed a few Bacardi and Cokes at the club so she could defy the laws of physics via invisible wires like drunk-ass Rohit. Rohit does a backflip and falls on his ass again.

They head over to the Nescafe, where Rohit does a short but entertainingly spastic dance routine and then leaps on a chair, toppling it over. After Rohit sits down and does some chair-dancing, Nisha and Rohit impersonate tornadoes, then do a pee-pee dance. Nisha asks Rohit what makes him so innocent; Rohit hands her a flower and explains that it's because Nisha is so sweet. As they continue to rob the florist, Nisha asks Rohit what makes her so sweet. Rohit responds, "Why should I tell you?" Nisha has no further questions. As Rohit pushes Nisha down the street in the flower cart, Nisha tosses flowers into the air. The florist is going to be pissed tomorrow morning. Hopefully Rohit can smooth things over later with a wad of gum, a "SORRY ROHIT" note, several zany misunderstandings, and a heart-wrenching speech from his mother. The flower cart topples over, giving Nisha an opportunity to emerge adorably from the wreckage, flowers poking askew out of her hair. Aw, I guess all the floral robbery and destruction was worth it for that moment of super-cuteness.

As she sings again about breaking free, Nisha slides down the playground slide. For some reason the verse is punctuated with a whip-cracking sound effect. Is there some sort of bondage subtext that I'm missing here? Rohit does the marionette dance again, then falls on his face for a change. He asks Nisha what she's done to him, she laughs, then they lie down on some sort of retaining wall as the song fades out.

Johnny Lever stands outside his house and throws rocks through his windows. Sonia approaches and politely asks what the hell is wrong with him. Johnny Lever explains that he got used to the breeze and sunlight from the broken windows and felt suffocated after he fixed them, because Rohit was too busy getting drunk and tapdancing to re-break them. Sonia suggests that he open the windows instead of breaking them. Johnny Lever appears stunned at the simple brilliance of the idea, then rants nonsensically some more. Sonia shakes her head and gives him the "You are a total assclown" look. I'm glad Sonia is here to express facially what all of us are thinking.

Rohit hangs out by a lake with his friends, who ask him if Nisha is his girlfriend. The boys ask if she really gave him a cycle, took him to a club, and dropped him at home. One of the girls gets to the point and asks Rohit if she kissed him goodnight. Rohit says no, and the girl explains that they can only become boyfriend and girlfriend when they exchange kisses. I wonder if she learned that from Pretty Woman. The boys ask what Rohit should do; the girl says that according to her mother, men are idiots who never seem to understand that they should further their friendship before trying to get into the girlfriend-boyfriend thing. It sounds like her mother has had some bad experiences on the Kasauli dating scene. Maybe she went out with this guy. Bittu suggests that Rohit give Nisha a present, but Rohit points out that he only gets one rupee a day from his mom. The girl suggests that Rohit get Nisha a rose. Are roses really cheap, or does everyone in this town just steal from the florist whenever they feel like it?

Nisha's house. Nisha skips downstairs in a dress that looks like it was made out of some drapes by Julie Andrews. Her father reminds her about "the boy whose mind is like a child's" and shows her an article about people like him that he found online and printed out for her. According to the article, people like Rohit should be given love and sympathy. I wonder if Nisha's dad found the article in The New England Journal of Things That Ought to Be Completely Obvious to Any Rational Human Being. Nisha flips through the article as she glances outside, where she notices Rohit pacing behind the fence, holding a rose up in the air. She invites him over, and he gives her the rose. Nisha thanks him and kisses him on the cheek, embarrassing Rohit. He explains shyly that his friends told him that exchanging kisses means they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Nisha brightly tells him that yes, she's his girlfriend. Well, that was easy.

Nisha's father calls her inside, so she invites Rohit in to meet her parents. Rohit takes a seat, and Nisha asks him what he wants to drink. Rohit asks for Bournevita, then delivers a short speech about why everyone should drink Bournevita that serves no purpose except to indicate to Nisha's parents that Rohit is an innocent man-child of the type described in the NEJTTOBCOARHB article. Nisha's father gets a call from the District Magistrate and tells Nisha to save his page on the computer while he takes the call. Nisha sits down at the computer and punches in some commands that seem more involved than Ctrl-S, then offers to teach Rohit about computers. Excited, Rohit invites her over to his house to see the computer his father built. Nisha agrees, but unless she wants to play "Lemonade" or talk to aliens, I have a feeling she's going to be pretty disappointed with Rohit's computer setup.

Part 5 Part 7

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 5

2005-09-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

As Nisha gets her hair blow-dried at a salon, having presumably paid top dollar for a specialized raita-removal treatment, she mutters angrily under her breath about what she’s going to do to Rohit when she gets a hold of him. I bet her hairdresser must think she’s pretty loony, what with all the angry muttering and unnecessary hair appointments. Or maybe she’s used to high-maintenance 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner models. Rohit scoots into town; he notices Nisha’s jeep and then spots her at the salon. After thinking for a moment, he tears out a sheet of paper from his notebook, writes “SORRY ROHIT,” and draws a smiley face below it. He tries to leave the note on the dashboard of the jeep, but it slides off, so he pulls out a wad of chewing gum and sticks it on the seat. Seconds before he can affix the note to the seat, Raj bursts out of nowhere and demands an explanation. Rohit explains that he was just saying sorry, but Raj’s friend points out the chewing gum on Nisha’s seat, a sure sign of tomfoolery and/or monkey business. At the salon, Nisha notices the commotion and rushes outside, explaining to Raj that Rohit is the boy who tricked her into driving him to the movies and then spilled food on her head. Raj informs her of Rohit’s latest and even more dastardly plan to put chewing gum in her hair. The camera cuts to a dramatic close-up shot of the gum, punctuated by a burst of Psycho-style threatening incidental music. Incensed, Nisha demands that they take Rohit to the police, but Raj’s friend, probably wary of a fruitless courtroom battle to convict Rohit of “Assault With Some Gum,” suggests that they let him go. Raj glares at Rohit, makes a kissing noise, and tells him to leave. Rohit pauses for a moment, probably wondering what’s up with the air-kiss, then begins to walk away.

Nisha shrilly asks Raj why he’s letting Rohit go. Perhaps Raj feels that Nisha is a grown woman and is capable of resolving her own disagreements in a calm and reasonable manner. Or maybe he’s planning to trap Rohit in the middle of a ring of rapidly-circling dirtbikes and beat him up. It turns out to be the latter explanation. As the dirtbikers encircle Rohit, they run over his apology note and then shove him around. Schoolbooks hit the ground. Rohit shouts that he was only trying to say sorry, then gets clocked in the back of the head by a dirtbiker before he can explain that he was simply using the gum as a makeshift adhesive. Rohit’s friend Bittu pulls up on his scooter, sees Rohit lying on the ground in the center of the dirtbike circle, then takes off on his scooter again, looking determined. Meanwhile, the bikers run over Rohit’s scooter, smashing it to pieces, as Rohit looks on tearfully. After the crowd has dispersed, Bittu finally finds Sonia. He brings her outside and points out Rohit, still sitting on the ground, clutching the remains of his scooter. Fortunately, none of the pieces seem bent, broken, or even dirty, so maybe the scooter can be repaired. As Sonia and Bittu approach a crying, humiliated Rohit, Sonia notices the scrap of notebook paper on the ground.

Meanwhile, at an outdoor café sponsored by Nescafe (Cha-ching!), Raj and Nisha flirt with each other. As they and their band of ruffians gloat over Rohit’s humiliation, Nisha says in a loud and clearly-enunciated voice that Rohit deserves his punishment. Suddenly, Sonia pipes up from several yards behind her, “No, he deserves to be amongst you!” After delivering a heartfelt speech about how Rohit is an innocent man-child, she holds up the crumpled note and explains that Rohit was just trying to apologize for his actions. She says that she doesn’t blame Nisha for her behavior because she’s new in town, but scolds Raj, who used to be Rohit’s classmate and should know better than to encircle him with dirtbikes and trash his scooter. I can understand why everyone else in the café would want to eavesdrop on Sonia’s dramatic monologue, but you would think they would at least attempt to look preoccupied, rather than standing stock-still and staring raptly at her for the entirety of the speech. That just seems kind of rude. Sonia explains that while Raj grew up and progressed through school like a normal kid, Rohit was left behind. She declares that she doesn’t regret Rohit’s condition, because if being normal means being a total assclown like Raj, then she’s glad that Rohit is abnormal. She doesn’t actually use the term “total assclown,” but it's there in the withering “You are a total assclown” stare she shoots Raj. She tosses the note on the floor and storms away. Chastened, Nisha stares at the note, focusing in on a tight close-up shot of it in order to wring every last drop of pathos out of its crumpled, childlike innocence.

Later, at Rohit’s school, Nisha hides behind a pillar and observes Rohit hanging with the 7^th standard-ers. As she watches, Rohit enters a classroom, and the instructor asks him what he’s doing in the computer class. Another kid tells the instructor that Rohit is taking the computer class as one of his electives, but the instructor yells at the kid to shut up and take a seat. Seriously, who does that kid think he is, the registrar? Rohit explains that he wants to learn about computers, but the instructor tells him that you need brains to study computers. But apparently not open-mindedness or tact. Rohit says that he wants to emulate his dead father the supercomputer genius, but the instructor is unmoved by all the chitchat about dead parents, and tells him to get out. As Nisha stares, Rohit slowly leaves the classroom; she opens her mouth to call after him, but instead watches him walk dejectedly outside, where he contemplates Spectacular View of the Hills #7. As Rohit gazes at the sky, a choral version of “The Om Song” plays, serving as a helpful reminder of all the freaky shit that happened at the beginning of the movie. It’s nice to know they’re not planning to abandon that whole subplot about the aliens.

When Rohit arrives home, he notices a new red bike in front of his house. He exclaims “Avon cycle!” rings the bell, which makes a pleasant “Cha-ching!” sound, and calls his mother. He asks if the bike is for him, thanks her for it, and reiterates that it is an Avon cycle. (Cha-ching.) Sonia tells him to thank Nisha, because she’s the one who brought it for him. Nisha emerges smiling from behind the doorway. Rohit glares angrily at Nisha and tells her he doesn’t want the bike, then rushes inside. Nisha follows him to the back of the house and tries to explain herself. She apologizes and tells him that Raj, Monty, and the others will apologize, too, and will never bother him again. Who the hell is Monty? Rohit asks Nisha what will happen if the boys do bother him, and she tells him that she and Rohit will beat them up together, because now they are friends! As appears to be the fashion among Indian movie youths, they seal their friendship with a supercool handshake.

Later at the disco, Raj shakes Rohit’s hand and apologizes. The other ruffians also apologize, while the girls just say, “Hi!” because they took no part in the dirtbike-facilitated bullying. Then Nisha and Raj excuse themselves to the dance floor, where Nisha shimmies around in her nightgown while Raj dances dorkily with lots of deep knee bends. A girl with a spangly top and big glasses asks Rohit to dance, but Rohit tells her he doesn’t know how to. She says that he just has to hold her body closely and sway, then she holds his body closely and sways. Rohit backs away nervously and tells her he’s not interested. She notices that he’s sweating and tells him to have a Coke (Cha-ching!). One of the ruffians (is it Monty?) orders a Coke (I think I'm going to stop Cha-chinging soon) and pours a clear substance into it. The girl gives it to Rohit and assures him that it will help get rid of his fear and make him stop sweating. She forcibly pours some down his throat, but he pushes it away and tells her it tastes nasty. From the dance floor, Nisha notices the commotion and appears concerned. As the pushy girl pours more of the drink down Rohit’s throat, Nisha marches over, smells the drink, and scolds her for giving Rohit liquor. Oh, so it's liquor. The guy who might be Monty gets in a plug for Bacardi ($$$!) and tells Nisha that Rohit’s not a kid anymore, and that it won’t hurt him. Nisha lectures them some more and says she’s leaving with Rohit. She turns around, but Rohit has already gone.

She goes outside, where Rohit is stumbling around town, already plastered from his swig of Bacardi (How about some “Cha-ching!” for me, Bacardi?) and Coke (Seriously, do you know how much graduate students make?). [Oddly enough, Bacardi is in the Microsoft Word dictionary. So is Budweiser, but Absolut gets the red squiggly line. I guess Microsoft is getting in on the “Cha-ching!” action, too. However, “Cha-ching!” does not appear to be in their dictionary.]

It starts to rain. As a vaguely Chilean-sounding flute theme starts up, Rohit jumps around in the rain. He notices Nisha, waves hello, and beckons for her to join him. Song!

Part 4 Part 6

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 4

2005-09-13T00:38:00.000-07:00

Cut to a close-up shot of the interior of a jeep. Perched atop the seat/dashboard is a pair of platform-sandal-clad legs. The camera pans up the legs to reveal a yellow-miniskirted ass, then further up to the back of a woman’s head, which is admiring Spectacular View of the Hills #5. The woman calls out “HELLO!” across the hills. As her “HELLO!” echoes across the landscape, the woman spins around, tossing her hair, shampoo-model style. It’s Preity Zinta! Then, facing Spectacular View of the Hills #6, she spins around shampoo-model style again. Maybe it’s a 2-in-1 shampoo/conditioner. Then she hops back in her jeep and zooms around the hills.

Meanwhile, in town, Rohit and his friends hang out. The Sikh kid expresses his excitement about the three-and-a-half-hour movie that they will be viewing shortly. A bus arrives, then starts to pull away two seconds later. The kids chase frantically behind it, then give up, looking pissed as the bus drives off without them. In case we couldn’t piece together the complex events of the last ten seconds, the Sikh kid explains that they have missed the bus and will therefore miss the movie. Just then, Preity Zinta pulls up in her jeep, looking confused. She tells Rohit that she’s new in town, and asks him where Shanti Villa is. Rohit points in one direction, but the kids tell him to point in the opposite direction so they can hitch a ride to the movie.

Everyone hops in the jeep, and Preity introduces herself as Nisha. As they drive, she asks Rohit what people do in town at night, and Rohit says, “Sleep.” She asks if there are any discos, and Rohit explains that there are, but that children aren’t allowed. Like me, Nisha seems slightly confused about the fact that Rohit is clearly in his 20s but is seemingly unaware of his own age. When they reach the movie theater, the kids and Rohit reveal their devious plan to go to the cinema, rather than Shanti Villa. As they abandon Nisha, Rohit and the kids tell her, “Thanks, Aunty!” Angry at his trickery and impudent use of the term “Aunty,” Nisha yells at Rohit, who makes fun of her waggly nose, then runs away. Nisha exclaims, “How dare you!” and smacks the dashboard indignantly. Hell hath no fury like a waggly nose scorned.

At home Rohit’s mother scolds him for tricking Nisha. She reminds Rohit of the Gita's message that God helps those who help others, and she tells him to apologize to the girl the next time he sees her. Rohit notices Sonia cleaning the PET supercomputer and asks her what it is. She explains that his father built it and used it to communicate with the beings in the stars. Surprised, Rohit asks her if there are really beings living in outer space, then opens a window and peers up at the sky. He says that he can’t see anything, but Sonia replies that there are things that exist that we can’t see. There are also things that exist that we can see, like PET supercomputers capable of communicating with aliens. You would think that Sonia would at least try to sell those kinds of things for vast amounts of money on Ebay, since she doesn’t seem the least bit curious about using them herself.

Rohit’s friends hide behind a tree outside Rohit’s shed. They whistle to get his attention, then whisper, “Party!” Cut to the Saxenas’ house, where the Saxenas and the Malhotras are laughing uproariously at the hilarious joke that Harbans has just made. I wonder if it was that Aristocrats joke that everyone's talking about. Raj wears a powder blue polyester suit that looks strikingly like the one my four-year-old brother wore to my aunt’s wedding in 1981. As Nisha and Raj flirt, a guy who looks like Lionel Ritchie plays a tune on the flute with his band. Lionel Ritchie’s band seems to specialize in the sort of carnival music that typically accompanies wacky hijinks. Meanwhile, Rohit and the kids peer mischievously over a wooden fence.

Raj introduces Nisha to his friends, one of whom is named Kimmy and is not his girlfriend, while the Sikh kid and another kid load up their plates with food and wisely ignore Johnny Lever. They pass the food under the table to Rohit, then return for a second helping. Rohit asks the Sikh kid, whose name is Bittu, for more food. Bittu sees Nisha coming and runs away. Nisha, who is wearing an ugly-ass stole that looks like it’s made from dozens of rabbit tails sewn together, tells Kimmy that she thinks they should just let the boys keep drinking. That will probably work out well; Raj doesn’t seem like he would be a mean drunk at all. Rohit calls again for Bittu, then sticks his arm out from under the table and grabs Nisha’s leg. Nisha looks under the table and sees Rohit, who stands up, surprised, bashing into the table and knocking a container of raita over onto Nisha’s head. Rohit runs away, still wearing the tablecloth, while Nisha shrieks and tries to wipe the raita out of her hair. I bet Harbans is glad he went with Lionel Ritchie and the Wacky Hijinks Band for his party music instead of something more formal.
Part 3 Part 5

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 3

2005-09-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

A group of guys on dirtbikes approach a bridge. Meanwhile, Rohit and his scooter gang approach from the other side. Both groups appear to be ignoring the lane marker in the center of the road. I foresee a potential conflict! As the two gangs reach the bridge, each taking up the entire width of the road, the leader of the dirtbike gang raises his visor and gestures dismissively for Rohit to back off. After checking with his friends, Rohit shakes his head and stands his ground sheepishly. The dirtbike gang leader (who appears to have some kind of “Hello, my name is ____” sticker on his leather motorcycle jacket that I unfortunately can’t decipher) points out that Rohit is six feet tall and hanging out with a bunch of two foot tall kids. Tall people associating with the short? How can he allow such shenanigans to occur? He asks Rohit if he has no shame, then tells him to move. Rohit continues to stand his ground, so the dirtbike gang leader, Raj, removes his helmet and twirls it villainously. The Sikh kid next to Rohit, apparently uncowed by the sight of a villainously twirled helmet, tells Rohit that they need to give these dogs a shot, because they’re barking too much. Rohit replies, “Ah yes, the formula number.” The kid on Rohit's other side continues the string of incomprehensible banter by saying “-320.” Maybe they’re going to resolve this disagreement with some kind of math/veterinary competition.

Raj and company stride Reservoir Dogs-style over to Rohit and the scooter gang. When they draw close, Rohit and his friends pop wheelies, strategically hitting the dirtbikers in the crotch with their scooters. Oh, I see, it’s the dog-sedative-formula-number-negative-320-scooter-in-the-crotch strategy! Rohit scoots past Raj over the bridge and knocks over a few dirtbikes in the process. As the children beat up on a few of the dirtbikers, the remaining three chase after Rohit, who approaches a closed gate with a stop sign on it. Fortunately, his scooter has a retractable handle, allowing him to duck under the gate, which dirtbiker #1 smashes into. Dirtbikers #2 and #3 jump the gate and follow Rohit into town. I bet right now they’re pretty pissed that they bought dirtbikes lacking even the minimal acceleration power needed to overtake a push scooter.

Oh no, Rohit’s going to run into the pretty cart of flowers being pushed by a random townswoman! No wait, he just jumped over it. As Raj and his companion ride into town, a police jeep rolls into the path of the dirtbikes, blocking their access to Rohit. Rohit gloats and kisses his Razor scooter as Raj, now unable to beat up Rohit, decides instead to point at him really emphatically. Johnny Lever and a taller guy wearing matching olive green uniforms and blue berets get out of the jeep. Are they UN peacekeepers? I have no idea. The tall guy asks Raj where they’re going in such a hurry as Johnny Lever blurts out that they’re in a “No-Entry” zone. Raj explains that Rohit knocked their bikes down. The tall guy tells Johnny Lever, a.k.a. Sukhwani, to give Raj a ticket. Raj cockily tells the tall guy that perhaps he’s not aware of who he’s speaking to, but the tall guy interrupts, “I know you’re Raj, the District Magistrate Harbans Saxena’s son.” He tells Sukhwani to double the fine and to “have this news splashed in the local newspapers.” What paper wouldn't be excited to run a juicy story like “Harbans Saxena’s Son Raj Rides Dirtbike into No-Entry Area?” The tall UN peacekeeper tells Raj that when Inspector Khan is in charge, no one can take things for granted; not the District Magistrate’s son, or even the District Magistrate himself. Maybe Inspector Khan should just narrate the rest of the movie himself in his helpfully expository manner.

A house with yet another spectacular view of the hills. Outside, some guy named Colonel Malhotra greets the owner of the house, a man named Harbans. I assume that Harbans is District Magistrate Harbans Saxena, but I don’t want to take things for granted, in case Inspector Khan is still in charge. He might get mad at me for taking things for granted and then make the local newspaper publish a story about it. The Colonel and the (probable) Magistrate insult each other playfully, then explain to each other that they are good friends who have retired and decided to spend the rest of their days as neighbors. Given that they both ended up in the same town, I assume they must have had a similar conversation several months ago, but I guess it’s always good to make sure you’re on the same page. Harbans tells Colonel Malhotra and his wife that they’re going to have a party at their bungalow to celebrate. Then he asks them about their tiny little girl, and Colonel Malhotra’s wife explains that their tiny little girl is all grown up. Harbans appears surprised by this development, and his wife asks where the grown-up girl is now. I guess the last time they met, they were too busy making vague, unconfirmed retirement plans to ask about the kids, and whether they too had experienced the passage of time.
Part 2 Part 4

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 2

2005-09-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Sonia, staring out a window at a spectacular view of the hills, explains that after Sanjay died, she had no support in Canada, so she returned home with her young son, Rohit. A bearded man tells her that he now understands the whole case history, then examines some X-rays of Rohit’s brain. He says that a portion of Rohit’s brain was damaged in the car accident, and explains that “that’s why he doesn’t have a normal mental growth and is weak in studies.” The doctor tells Sonia that even though Rohit is eight, he has the brain of a 2-and-a-half-year old, and that even as an adult, Rohit’s mental abilities will be stunted. Sonia gravely asks if there’s any treatment, and the doctor says that surgery may be possible, but that the chances are very bleak, and the surgery could result in paralysis or death. Sonia tells him that she can’t risk losing Rohit, and vetoes the surgery.

Sonia goes home to ruminate and play “The Om Song” on her electronic keyboard. Eight-year-old Rohit, looking like a young Shah Rukh Khan, comes over and tries to repeat the tune. He smiles at his mother, who gives him a hug. Later, Rohit plays cricket with a bunch of kids and accidentally hits the ball through Johnny Lever’s window. Johnny Lever yells at him angrily, then shuts the window and leaves. Seconds later, another window pane breaks, so Johnny Lever returns to yell some more. He’s now wearing a blue beret and looking a bit grayer, but is still as hilarious as before. Which is to say, not hilarious at all. Rohit, who is now Hrithik-aged, turns around, flashes him a toothy smile, and apologizes, but Johnny Lever rushes outside to continue delivering his angry rant. Rohit tells him he’ll fix all the windows when he grows up, but Johnny Lever points out that he’s already pretty grown up. Rohit’s friends, a group of children who are all about 10 years old, defend him and tell Johnny Lever that they’ll get the windows replaced, as soon as he gives them 500 bucks. Johnny Lever spazzes out some more and then goes inside. Is this supposed to be a dramatic role, or is the comedy just so unfunny that it's undetectable?

First day of school. Sonia packs Rohit’s backpack while Rohit prays that he will do well in the seventh standard. He notices that his mother is putting his old sixth standard books in his backpack, so Sonia tells him nervously that he received failing grades and will not be going to the seventh standard. I know that some people frown upon social promotion, but Rohit's school district is definitely taking that philosophy to another level. Rohit grows upset and declares that he’s never going to school again, then storms away. Sonia assures him that if he studies hard, he will pass, but Rohit worries that the new students will tease him and call him a “tall stick.” Well, in that case, bullying shouldn’t be much of a problem; Rohit could open a dictionary at random and come up with a less lame insult than “tall stick.” Here, wait, let me try. Um, how about “nymphomaniac/nymphomane?” (I could only find a French-English dictionary.) Ok, maybe it's not the wittiest retort ever, but least it’s better than “tall stick.”

Sonia visits the principal to request a promotion for Rohit, but he tells her that Rohit should be at a special school. Sonia explains that there’s no such school nearby, and that she’s working on getting him transferred to a school in Delhi. She asks for just one year. The principal tells her that advancing Rohit a year won’t help him in any way, but Sonia, starting to cry, pleads that she knows that Rohit will never become what she or his father had hoped he would become, and requests that it be done, if only for the sake of Rohit’s happiness. The principal, swayed by the fact that Rekha just emoted the shit out of her monologue, finally relents.

Math class. The teacher asks the class an algebra question (for the algebra fans: if x=12 and y=8, what is x + 3y?). Rohit does some calculations, then raises his hand excitedly. The teacher asks Rohit to show him the answer, so Rohit gets up and hands him his notebook. The teacher praises him for getting the right answer and tells him that he should raise his hand more often. Is the teacher planning to tell the rest of the class the answer, or is it just going to be a secret between Rohit and himself?

After class, Rohit zooms around in the mountains on a Razor scooter with a bunch of kids. They stop at a bridge to admire some computer-generated birds. Song!

Rohit sings that the sight of birds awakens a desire. I wonder if Sonia has given him the talk about the CGI birds and the bees yet. Rohit and the kids cross the bridge and then balance single-file on a railroad track. One of the kids stumbles onto the tracks, so they decide to have a dance party in the middle of the railroad tracks for a couple minutes. Finally, they notice a train coming and run away before a Fried Green Tomatoes-type incident can occur.

A schoolgirl with an unusually disembodied singing voice points to the summit of a nearby mountain and asks Rohit how they will fly so high without any wings. Well, they could smoke some crack. Instead, they flap their arms like birds, then skip around in a circle. They huddle together to make some kind of pledge, but the subtitles cut out, so I have no idea what they’re pledging. Hopefully they’re pledging to say no to drugs, and say yes to manic bird-like flapping gestures.

Suddenly, everyone's in their play clothes, having a tug-of-war match. Rohit competes against everyone else, as Sonia watches from the sidelines. The kids let go, and Rohit falls to the ground. Rohit looks angry for a second, but his mother smiles reassuringly, so he gets up and sings that a day will surely come when everyone will want to shake hands with him. Well, that’s kind of a boring goal. All he needs for that dream to come true is some really good hand moisturizer. Oh wait, I think he’s talking about his extra thumb. I guess some people might be a little weirded out by that, even if his skin is really supple. The kids line up to shake hands with Rohit, then Sonia kisses his hand, so we get a nice close-up. Thumbtastic!

Sonia sings to Rohit that happiness will embrace him. She predicts that his life will change one day, when the skies bow at his feet, and there is no one else like him around. It kind of sounds like she’s talking about the apocalypse. Rohit blindfolds his mother, then they play a game with the other kids that looks like “Marco Polo” on land. I don’t know the name of the game, so I’m just going to call it “Lewis and Clark.” Sonia chases after the kids and finally catches a little girl. She takes off her blindfold and sees that everyone else has abandoned her on their scooters, leaving Sonia stuck with the two girls who apparently missed out on the Razor scooter craze of 2003. I would have liked to have seen Rekha on a Razor scooter; I bet she could make even scootering look classy. End of song.

Part 1 Part 3

Koi Mil Gaya, Part 1

2005-08-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

Certificate. A shot of a small shrine. Cut to a view of space, where two adjacent galaxies hang out, doing whatever it is that galaxies do. Suddenly, two flaming galactic objects hurtle toward each other and collide in a massive explosion that produces… a Filmkraft Productions presentation of Koi…Mil Gaya! Credits scroll Star Wars-style over some more images of space, which is apparently quite peaceful and psychedelic when gigantic letters aren’t exploding all over the place. A woman’s voice calmly explains that the universe is made up of groups of stars called galaxies, and that our galaxy is called the Milky Way. I wonder if this woman is the Very Educated Mother who Just Served Us Nine Pizzas. The woman explains that her husband, a “space scientist,” believed that there were other galaxies in the universe on which life could exist. I totally thought the screenwriter made up the term “space scientist,” but apparently it’s a real job. How did people ever find these things out before the internet? Anyway, her husband’s goal was to discover life on other planets.

Cut to Rakesh Roshan, hard at work in his moonlit attic. The voiceover woman explains that Rakesh Roshan the Space Scientist invented many gadgets for collecting data, including an old PET computer with three (!) floppy drives, a recording machine, and a metal box with eight red buttons on it that looks like some kind of baby toy. He would send sound waves into space using his two enormous satellite dishes, hoping that someone from another galaxy would hear his signals and respond.

Rekha sits outside her house and knits. I'm pretty sure she's pregnant, but I'm not going to assume anything. Because if it turns out she's just carrying a few extra pounds? Awk. Ward. Meanwhile, Rakesh Roshan plays upstairs with his Fisher Price Activity Center. He presses some of the red buttons, and the machine plays a goofy “Booop Booop BOOOOP BOOOOP!!” tune. He leaves the room for a split second, during which time the screen flashes mysteriously, and the enormous satellite dishes send out huge bolts of electricity. I hope Rakesh Roshan remembered to use a surge protector. As he comes back in again, he hears the “Booop Booop BOOOOP BOOOOP!!” tune being echoed back to him. He plays the tune again on the Activity Center, and the sound is repeated. Then he plays it faster, and the faster pattern is repeated back to him. Excited, he calls his wife, Rekha/Sonia, upstairs, and explains that someone is finally responding to his groovy musical stylings. She asks him what the sounds are, and he explains that he used his “octopad” and his PET computer to convert the word “Om” into musical notes. So apparently The Musical Embodiment of All That Has Been Created sounds kind of like a prog rock version of “Hot Cross Buns.” Rakesh Roshan tells her that he’s achieved a breakthrough, and that he must inform the Space Centre immediately!

At the Space Centre, a bunch of old guys in lab coats laugh at him. A sunburnt scientist with an odd Germanic accent asks him sarcastically if the aliens chatted about the weather, then another scientist asks him in Hindi why the aliens would contact Rakesh Roshan, and not someone big and important like himself. Rakesh Roshan, A.K.A. Dr. Sanjay Mehra, explains about sending “Om” into space in different notes and combinations, and tells them that “Om” is “a Hindu religious word that contains all the vibrations of the universe.” The sunburnt guy asks him sarcastically if the aliens are Hindu, too, then tells him to stop daydreaming. Maybe the aliens just want some Hot Cross Buns.

Outside the Space Centre, Rekha parks and gets out of a car. Inside, the lab-coated scientists walk huffily past Dr. Mehra, apparently on their way to the Space Centre cafeteria to sit at the popular table and talk smack about the Space Accountants. Dr. Mehra calls after them to wait and offers to show them his evidence, but the sunburnt guy tells him dismissively to go home. For some reason this comment is punctuated with a jet engine sound effect. Maybe it’s the sound of Dr. Mehra’s self-esteem taking a vacation to Aruba.

As they drive home, Dr. Mehra bitches to Sonia about the lab-coated Heathers, but she tells him not to worry. Meanwhile, thunderclouds rumble overhead. Sonia grows thoughtful and asks him whether he thinks that beings from distant galaxies will ever meet. He says why not, and points out that space shuttles have gone to Mars and Jupiter. They have? He says that other beings are probably trying to find out about us, and that that’s probably the explanation for UFOs. Suddenly the car’s headlights start to flash, and the car radio sputters off and on, playing bits and pieces of something that sounds eerily like Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs.” Sanjay and Sonia look understandably horrified. The car’s headlights burst, and Sonia points out a moving light in the sky. Sanjay stares at the UFO and shouts out the window in triumph that the aliens have come. Having decided for some reason to keep on driving despite the exploding headlights and aliens overhead, he veers slightly off the road and then swerves gently in a way that causes the car to flip over sideways, then flip end-over-end, then sideways a couple more times before finally exploding in a gigantic ball of flame. Sonia is thrown from the car before it explodes; she turns toward the flaming car and screams, “NAAAAAAHIIIIIIIIIN!!!” For those of you that don't speak Hindi, I think that means, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Part 2

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 25

2005-07-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Aman’s eyes open slowly. He looks around as his mother tells him that everyone has come to meet him. He’s in the hospital. Oh, Aman, couldn’t you have said no to the dandia, just this once? Everyone (Jennifer, Gia, Shiv, Dadi, Chadda, Jazz, Sweetu, Rohit, and Naina) looks at Aman sadly. Actually, Naina avoids eye contact, but a single tear falls picturesquely from her eye. Aman waves hi to Gia, who gives him a flower. He asks her to marry him, but Gia shakes her head no. Aman looks at her so pathetically that she eventually nods her assent. Jennifer tells Gia that they’ll come back tomorrow. But what if tomorrow never ho naa hos? Or something. Jennifer strokes Aman’s face and does the bosom for a pillow thing, then takes off with Shiv and Gia. Dadi, Jazz, and Sweetu sob and wish him goodnight, then exit with Chadda, leaving Rohit and Naina. They gaze at each other meaningfully as Naina tries to hold back her tears. Rohit places a hand on her shoulder, then Naina walks away from him to sit on the bed. She draws closer to Aman, looking as though she wants to make out with him, but Aman shakes his head, trying to alert her to the inappropriateness of making out with him right in front of her new husband. Aman tells Naina that she’s gained weight. That’s always a good way to get a woman to not want to make out with you. Naina smiles for a moment, then stares at him tearfully. Suddenly she gasps and runs out of the room, collapsing into sobs in the hallway.

And then there were two little Indians. Rohit sits on the bed and asks Aman how he’s feeling. Aman says gently but sarcastically that he’s feeling fantastic. Embarrassed, Rohit smiles and apologizes. Aman tells Rohit that Naina is his in this life, but that she will belong to Aman in every life after this. So apparently in Naina’s future incarnations, repressive patriarchial concepts of ownership will still be around. Rohit shakes his head, but Aman tells him to promise that Naina will be his. Rohit eventually offers his promise, but then reveals his crossed fingers. Aman snickers and calls him a dog, but Rohit uncrosses his fingers and promises again. I wonder in what lifetime Aman and Rohit will get together. Aman tells him that he wants to sleep, but asks Rohit to wake him up before he leaves. They shake hands, then Aman turns away and closes his eyes. Rohit gets scared and asks, “Aman?” Aman opens his eyes and tells him that he’s not dying just yet. Rohit sniffles and then laughs. As Rohit lets go of Aman’s hand, Naina peeks through the window sadly.

Voiceover Naina turns into real life Naina, because it’s now “0 years later.” I think the aspect ratio on the DVD is a bit off. Maybe it’s 20 years later? Naina explains that Aman went away, leaving them all behind, and became a memory. She tells grown-up Gia that Aman was both her and Gia’s first love, and that she can never forget him. Though apparently Gia has, if Naina feels the need to explain all this to her. Naina says that Aman taught her how to love life, love herself, and love Rohit. I wonder if he also suggested the idea of a loving threesome with Gita or the What Not to Wear lady. Rohit walks up behind Naina and emphasizes that “they” can never forget Aman. Fashions don’t seem to have changed much 0 years into the future. Rohit gives Naina a hug, then some teenager who I would never have pegged as Indian calls Naina “Mom” and asks if they can go inside because it’s getting cold. As they follow their caucasian daughter Ria inside, Rohit says that he hasn’t told Naina lately that he loves her. I wonder if Naina has ever told Rohit that she loves him, other than that fake time at the restaurant. Voiceover Naina explains that every girl dreams of finding a good friend in her husband, but that she was lucky to find her husband in her best friend. As they walk through the snow-dusted grounds of their Conneticut estate, Ria and Gia play with a black and white dog, perhaps the love child of Laila and the German Shepherd. Voiceover Naina tells us that her name is Naina Catherine Kapur Patel, and that this was her story. But now it’s over!

Part 24 Home

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 24

2005-07-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Aman’s mother tells Aman that they should call Priya, but he says that there’s no need to bother her, and that it’s her wedding anniversary today. The doctor tells them that they’ve already paged Priya. Cut to Priya, glancing at her pager, which is taken away from her by some guy who looks like Kevin Pollak. Kevin Pollak reminds her of her promise that there would be no pages or calls today, but Priya protests that it could be an emergency. Someone could be in urgent need of a pointless stroll around New York City! As they walk around the expensive necklace store, Kevin Pollak tells her that they will find another doctor, and Priya relents and tells him that she’s going to spend all his money today. Do you think Kevin Pollak makes more money than a doctor? I haven’t seen him in anything since The Usual Suspects. They pass by Rohit and Naina, who bicker over whether or not to buy an expensive necklace. For someone who has apparently grown up in America, Rohit displays an odd affection for shirts that show off his man-cleavage. Is he afraid of buttons? Naina goes over to take a look at the necklace in a full-length mirror; she runs into Priya and tentatively introduces herself. Priya tells Naina and Rohit that it’s her anniversary, and that she’s going to spend all her husband’s money. Rohit and Naina assume that Aman is with her, but Priya says no, and calls over her husband. Kevin Pollak comes over. Rohit and Naina look surprised, and ask if Priya has remarried. Priya and Kevin laugh off their confusion, and Kevin, whose name is Abhay, explains that they met through Aman, back when he was full of life and not pathetic and dying. Rohit and Naina exchange surprised glances as Abhay tells them that it’s good that they’re there for Aman during his last days of dandia-induced heart failure.

Rohit and Naina look at each other with shock and fear, then Naina wanders through the store, having flashbacks to the moments when Aman told her “Kal ho naa ho,” lied about Priya, and pretend-read from Rohit’s diary. At least Naina’s flashbacks create a coherent narrative of Aman’s love and deception. Naina bursts into sobs as Rohit comforts her. They look at each other earnestly, then Naina says something to him that can’t be heard over the plaintive string music and tinkling piano. Rohit nods. I think he's wearing lipstick.

Priya frantically calls Aman, who sighs, because the jig is up. Aman gets up and puts on his sweater as his mother asks him what he’s doing. He rips out his IV and says that he has to go. Naina, Rohit, and Aman wander separately and dramatically around New York in slow motion. Aman tries to hail a cab, while Naina walks past Banana Republic, sobbing. Aman starts to run down the center lane divider of the street, then clutches a streetlamp and wheezes for a second, probably rethinking his decision not to take a cab, what with the barely functioning heart and everything. Rohit goes up to his roof, which seems to be his version of Naina’s crying picnic table by the bridge. I guess it’s convenient to have a designated location for your crying jags and pensive meditations, just in case anyone needs to find you and resolve some kind of dramatic conflict.

As Rohit gazes across the river, Aman stumbles out onto the roof, panting. Rohit looks at him and accuses him of lying, and says that Aman really does love Naina. He points out that Aman loves Naina and Naina loves Aman, and asks what he’s doing in this love story. Aman says that a love story needs two hearts, and that his won’t exist in a few months. Maybe it would help if he stayed away from the choreographed dance routines for a little while. Rohit says that he can’t compete with a memory, and Aman says that Rohit must not love Naina as much as he thought if he’s willing to give her up so easily. He starts off on a dramatic monologue about how Rohit has to stay with Naina, because it’s his dying wish. The monologue involves saying “Fuck!” a couple times and barking “Bas! Bas!” like a dog at the end. Aman walks away, and Rohit turns and asks him what he would do in his shoes. Aman says that he only wishes he was in Rohit’s shoes. He might want Rohit’s shirt, too; his is looking pretty skanky at the moment. Aman leaves, and the Tinkly Piano of Death begins to play as Rohit stares soulfully into the distance, his eyes filling with tears and catching the light in a way that makes them look kind of freaky.

Meanwhile, Naina hangs out at the crying picnic table terrace, where Aman lurches up to her, looking even shittier than when he met Rohit. At least the sweat stains on his sweater are starting to dry up, though. Naina wipes the invisible tears from her face and makes eye contact with Aman, who is crouching on the railing and panting. They approach each other, and Naina places her hand on Aman’s heart. She asks if it’s true that he loves her so much that he wants to leave love behind for her after he goes. Naina looks into his eyes and then grabs his sweater and asks him why he loves her so much. As she buries his head in her chest and he embraces her, he says, “I don’t love you. I don’t love you.” I think that must be Hindi for, “I love you. I love you.” (I’m pretty good at picking stuff like that up from the context clues.)

Song! The women gather around for the mehndi and sing about moons, forehead adornments, and how pretty Naina looks. As they do a “Hit the Road, Jack,” type thumb gesture, they tell Naina that she should take a good look at her dear relatives, because she’s never going to see them again. Gia looks pissed, which makes sense, given the insensitive song lyrics. The singers wish the bride happiness, which is of course the natural accompaniment to leaving your beloved relatives behind forever for no apparent reason. Shiv watches the dancing women, then Aman smacks him on the head. Aman dances into the room and flirts with Jazz, then gets freaky. Naina notices him and they catch each others’ eye. She looks sad, but points to her dimple. She seems to have a little bit of moustache action going on, but maybe that’s a shadow. Aman rolls his eyes and touches his dimple, then Naina’s expression deepens, as though she’s either growing more distraught or about to puke.

As the lights dim, highlighting only Naina and Aman, a new voice sings about how they are hiding their grief silently. Silently, but not particularly well, what with all the crying. As they look at each other tearfully, Aman kisses Naina’s cheek, then the lights come back on, so Aman walks away. Cut to Rohit, sitting in his giant empty hall, staring at his hand, probably wondering why they didn’t decide to go with a longer engagement. Back to Naina, looking intense and windswept. A single tear slides down her cheek. Another cut to Naina, wearing lots of fancy jewelry, as Gia tearfully touches one of her earrings.

The emotional tenor of the music shifts from “melancholy” to “full of dread.” Rohit waits in the garden, decked out in gold, as Naina’s family leads her sobbing toward the mandap. (It’s called a mandap, right?) Naina turns to see Aman standing next to her, looking nicely recovered from his heart attack. He and Jennifer walk Naina toward Rohit, who looks at her and Aman with an expression of “Oh, shit, what have I gotten myself into?” Meanwhile, Naina stares tearfully at Aman, seemingly oblivious to Rohit. Naina sits down next to Rohit, and Aman sits directly behind them. Rohit smiles reassuringly while Naina tries to contain her sobs. If nothing else, this day has certainly taught Rohit the true meaning of the word “awkward.” Meanwhile, Aman admires Naina and grows lost in thought.

Rohit and Naina circle the fire and then walk down the line of sobbing family members. Don’t cry, guys, Manhattan isn’t that far; Naina has even jogged there before! Rohit and Naina hug Aman, who sobs, then waves them away. Everyone leaves except Aman, who leans against the mandap and sobs some more. If I forgot to recap anything in the song, just assume that it involved lots of hysterical sobbing.

Part 23 Part 25

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 23

2005-06-21T23:44:00.000-07:00

Shiv rocks out. Flute interlude. Rohit and Naina perform some kind of swingy ballroom dance. Shooby dabba dabba doo wah! DOO WAH! Rohit flings away Naina, who is replaced by Aman. Rohit and Aman shrug, surprised to see each other, and then join hands and dance around. They pass Kantaben, who seems concerned, and Jean de Bon, who seems excited that this movie might finally be delivering on the hot Khan-on-Khan action that it's been promising for the last two and half hours.

Naina sings about pretty flowers and the shehnai playing in her heart, and says that all the stars in the sky are hers. I wonder if “stars in the sky” is a metaphor for “money in Rohit’s bank account.” Is the banister supposed to be on fire? Women twirl around with brightly-colored scarves as Naina smiles at either the aerial camera or the stars in the sky. I’m still not clear on whether this hall is supposed to be indoors or outdoors.

Rohit and Aman chase after Naina and tell her to watch her step, because hearts here are skipping a beat. Then they see Rani Mukherjee and decide to chase after and incur heart damage from her instead. Stir, stir, elbow, elbow, elbow! Rani shows them some new moves. First they fold the meringue, then they honk the truck horn. Fold, fold! Honk, honk, honk! Aman and Rohit thank Rani for the new moves by checking out her ass as she waxes the air.

Aman grabs a baton and conducts a humming interlude. He and Naina exchange furtive glances in the foreground, then Rohit, standing a few feet behind them, smiles at Naina and steps forward. Cut to Naina, crying. This bodes well for the wedding. Jennifer sing-wonders how she can tell Naina how much she loves her. How about via song? As she sings about how happy she will be to accompany Naina in her palanquin, Gia walks by, waving at everyone through the window of what I assume is a cardboard mock-up of a palanquin. Or maybe palanquins are two-dimensional; I actually have no idea. As they watch Gia, Naina mouths an “I love you” to her mother. Aw.

HEY! Rohit and Aman sing about hearts skipping a beat again, then it’s time for the chorus. Now Naina joins them. This time it’s whirl to the left, whirl to the right, elbow the guy/girl to your left. As Aman sings about jewelry again, he notices Kajol showing off her earrings. They say hi to each other, then elbow the guy to their left. This time during the “Rabba! Rabba!” part the jumping guys don’t seem to get as much air. I bet they drank too much nectar. Rohit and Aman point at Naina, because she is the beautiful one that they would like to come over here. Right after they whirl around and elbow the guy to their left one more time. As the saxophone plays some riffs from the My Two Dads theme song, Rohit and Naina exchange rings. Rohit’s hand looks suspiciously chubby in the close-up shot. End of song.

Time to bust out the dandias! Microsoft word keeps changing my “dandia”s to “dandie”s. Oh Microsoft Word, why all the dandia-hate? The music starts up again, and everyone yells “Hey!” and does an overarm cricket bowling motion with their dandias. Quick cuts of people dancing and yelling “Hey!” I think Vimmo/Kammo is doing the robot. It’s pretty awesome, but only lasts for a second. The dancing grows faster and more exuberant. In slow motion, Aman skips around, then twirls in a circle, arms outstretched. His expression shifts from happy to surprised, and he stops twirling and slowly falls to his knees. His vision becomes blurry and the music becomes whispery and foreboding as people continue to dance happily in a circle around him. Can’t they hear the whispery and foreboding music? Slow-motion images fade in and out of Aman’s vision. After about thirty seconds of swooning, Aman realizes that he is surrounded by the most obliviously happy dancers ever, and rises to his feet by himself, clutching his left arm. You’d think Priya could have at least warned Aman to avoid strenuous exercise during one of the pensive walks that pass for medical care at her HMO.

Cut to Aman’s bedroom, where he is crouched on the floor, sweaty and gasping for air. After all the shitty medical care Aman’s received in New York, I kind of don’t blame him for not going immediately to the hospital. Cut to the hospital. Wait, so did he just go home to change his clothes? Montage of gurney-rolling shots. Aman’s mother looks on, distraught but nicely coordinating with the blue and off-white color scheme of the hospital. A doctor tells Aman that another episode could result in – he pauses. Aman says that he understands. But doesn’t he at least want to check that the doctor means “death,” and not, say, “mild discomfort”?

Part 22 Part 24

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 22

2005-06-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

Voiceover Naina reads the letter, in which Gia’s mother explains that after six years of only asking about Gia, she wants in her last letter to thank Jennifer for all her courage, love, acceptance, and general awesomeness. Why is this her last letter? I bet she’s going to ask Gia to go find Jennifer’s college friend at summer camp and concoct an ingenious scheme to make them fall in love. Meanwhile, Johnny Lever will get up to some wacky hijinks. As Naina reads the part of the letter asking Jennifer for forgiveness, Jennifer sits in church, where Dadi finds her. They give each other a hug, and Jennifer sobs that her husband was a good man, who made a mistake. Naina comes up behind them and joins the group hug.

Voiceover Naina says that Gia’s perfect family was finally complete. Well, except for the biological mother who abandoned her but continued to write self-involved letters for six years until mysteriously cutting off further communication. Gia moves the Dadi doll out of the bedroom and into the family room with the rest of the dolls, then the family prays together. That means they’re staying together! Meanwhile, engagement preparations are in full swing, with Jean de Bon, the famous French decorator, doing up the Patel mansion. He says, “Drapes!” in a manner that indicates that he just arrived on the last Stereotype Airlines flight from Gayville, as drapes emerge from nowhere with a fluttery wave of his hand. At Aman’s house, the women stand on the staircase and sing badly while Aman conducts. It looks like one of those random Huxtable lipsynching numbers that used to break out on The Cosby Show every once in a while.

As Kantaben blesses Rohit, Voiceover Naina explains that her prayers were being answered; Rohit was marrying a girl. Actually, Kantaben’s prayer was that Rohit and Aman would always be far apart. I wonder if God will answer that rather ominous-sounding prayer? Meanwhile, Jean de Bon gays it up, sees Rohit, and puts his arm around him, but Kantaben shoves him away before Jean de Bon can tell Rohit about the nice French toaster oven that could one day be his.

Voiceover Naina explains that the day of the engagement had finally arrived, and that Gujarat had opened its doors to Punjab. Naina’s family and Aman’s family enter the hall to the sound of drums. Dandias clack, indicating the start of a song.

A group of aunties and uncles sing about the quality jewelry found in their community. But what is this community? And how do you spell its name? “G-U-J-J-U!” they sing. They inform us that G-U-J-J-U stands for “Gathiya!” “Undiyo!” “Jamwa (eat)!” “Jamnagar!” and “UUUU!” I don’t speak Gujarati, but based on the appalled faces of the audience, I’m going to guess that “Gathiya-Undiyo-Jamwa (eat)-Jamnagar-UUUU!” roughly translates as “Gujaratis like to eat babies.” The camera zooms in on Rohit’s parents’ asses bumping up against one another, while Rohit tries to disappear into the ground. “Rohit and Naina, we are proud of you! Gujju!” they chant, as everyone looks confused. At least I’m not the only one.

Awkward silence ensues. Then Aman shouts that the song was fantastic, and everyone cheers and pretends to agree. Aman says that now that they have heard the Gujaratis’ ode to jewelry, eating babies, and the happy couple, it’s time for the Punjabis to get with the proverbial jiggy. He calls for Frankie, who suddenly appears on a nearby balcony. Frankie blows Sweetu a kiss, which Aman returns, telling him to begin. Song!

As he shows off some of his invisible jewelry, Aman sings about Naina’s forehead adornment and her dangly earrings. He sings, “Maahi Ve!” and does this move where he clasps his hands together in front of him and swivels his torso from side to side. I’m trying to think of a good name for the move, because it’s going to come up a lot in the song, but right now, the best I can do is “Elbowing the Tall Guy to Your Left.” Aman sings about Naina’s musical bracelets and anklets. Maybe she got them from the Gujarati community! As he and some friends shrug their shoulders, Aman tells us that several of Naina’s body parts are saying “Rabba Rabba!” because they are drunk on nectar. The background singers jump up in the air, arms spreadeagled, each time Aman sings “Rabba Rabba!”, possibly because they are also drunk on nectar. As he sings the chorus, Aman stirs the pot and then elbows the tall guy to his left. He tells Naina to “Aaja maahi ve!” then waxes the floor. Or more accurately, waxes the air six inches above the floor. Rohit’s parents try out some bhangra moves.

Rohit tells Naina that she has dark eyes and a fair face, then elbows the tall guy to his left. He and his friends dance-chase after her, then screw in some lightbulbs as Rohit sings about her moon-like beauty. Oh, maybe he’s screwing in the moon, and not lightbulbs. Some women gather around Naina and elbow the tall girl to their left. Rohit does the “Rabba Rabba!” shrugging/jumping thing, then stirs the pot with Aman for the chorus. “Soni! Soni! Aaja maahi ve!” Stir the pot! Stir the pot! Elbow, elbow, elbow! They do a new move that I’m going to call “Reversing the Car,” then crouch down and wax the air/floor again.

Part 21 Part 23

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 21

2005-06-21T22:22:00.000-07:00

At Naina’s house, everyone waits around, then Aman’s cell phone rings. He answers the phone, mumurs “Oh,” solemnly, then hangs up the phone. He avoids eye contact with Jennifer and shakes his head gravely. Then he whispers, “She said 'yes.'” Everyone cheers! Except Aman. But then he cheers! Because it’s a façade! He exchanges a look with his mother; her gaze tells him that her motherly X-ray vision can penetrate even the most jovial of façades. Fortunately, Dadi shoves some jalebi in their mouths before Aman’s façade can fall apart too much. Aman tells everyone that he needs a hug, so Jennifer and his mother embrace him as he cries tears of clearly demarcated sadness rather than joy. The camera rotates to reveal that Dadi, Sweetu and Jazz are also involved in the group hug, which remains oddly somber and motionless for at least thirty seconds. I think the overarching theme of this scene is supposed to be AMAN IS SAD ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT.

I wonder what Rohit and Naina are going to do for the rest of their date at the empty concert hall. Maybe the chorus and string orchestra will have time to do a few songs from Khabhi Khushi, Khabhi Gham. Of course, it’s not like actually seeing Naina’s response to Rohit’s proposal might be of any dramatic interest to the people watching this movie, so maybe we should skip right over it. Thanks, movie!

Voiceover Naina explains that the next step was to convince Rohit’s parents about the engagement. Aman and Rohit talk with Rohit’s parents at their house, which seems to consist of a gigantic courtyard where a man dressed in white stands at attention, carrying a tray. For people who are supposed to be millionaires, Rohit’s parents seem to have an odd disinterest in purchasing any kind of furniture for their vast, marble courtyard. Maybe they spent all of their money on that guy with the tray. Voiceover Naina explains that it wasn’t that hard to convince Rohit's parents about the engagement because… “It’s just geography!” they exclaim as they sit in Naina’s living room with her family. Rohit’s father forgets Jennifer’s name and then asks her to pass him the cock. Shiv giggles, as Rohit, embarrassed, tells his dad that it’s pronounced “Coke.” Rohit’s father dismissively continues talking as Naina glares at Shiv.

Rohit’s mother explains that they would like to have the engagement and the wedding anniversary on the same day, and the wedding two days later. Jennifer and the family agree, and Rohit’s father explains that they’re getting a famous decorator from Paris to decorate his hall, which he pronounces “hole.” He talks some more about how he has a very big hole, and his wife agrees and makes gestures indicating the largeness of the hole. Rohit corrects his pronunciation again as Jennifer smiles politely and Shiv tries to stifle his giggles, probably wondering if there's going to be any cock in the hole.

Dadi talks about how happy she is with the match, then says that she only wishes her son were there to see it. Rohit’s parents express sympathy and ask how he died. Dadi says, “heart attack,” as the tympani of Dadi Being Full of Shit sounds. Dadi says that she’s just waiting for Naina and Shiv to settle down before she goes back to Chandigarh, but not for Gia, because adopted children don't deserve love. The Dadi Being Full of Shit Tympani goes “Boing?” as Rohit’s parents look concerned. Jennifer retorts that Gia is just as much theirs as Naina. After a moment, she tentatively adds that her husband didn’t die of a heart attack; he killed himself. Rohit’s parents exchange shocked but sympathetic glances, and Rohit looks at Naina with a mix of surprise and understanding.

Later as Jennifer cleans up, Dadi asks her why she had to go and reveal the truth like that. Jennifer says that it’s a bad idea to start relationships with lies, which starts Dadi off on one of her “Everything is Jennifer’s fault” kicks. I bet you could start talking to Dadi about the NBA playoffs, and she would somehow turn it into a rant about how Jennifer drove her son to suicide. Meanwhile, Gia eavesdrops from the stairs. This will probably end well. Dadi refers to Jennifer as her daughter-in-law, but Jennifer retorts that she will only be her daughter-in-law when Gia is her granddaughter. Dadi says, “You know what, you’re right. I should just accept Gia into this family as the adorable adopted moppet that she is.” Just kidding! She says that Gia will never be her granddaughter, will never be part of the family, and is only a burden. As Gia sobs upstairs, Dadi says that every bad thing in the entire world that has ever happened is Gia’s fault, especially her father’s suicide. Dadi starts yelling that she hates Gia, and Gia runs outside in tears, screaming for Aman. I think a lot of problems could be avoided in Hindi movies if people would just learn to discuss their painful family secrets in quiet indoor voices.

Jennifer and Dadi, apparently oblivious to the fact that Gia ran out of the house in tears, continue their debate. Dadi announces that her son made two mistakes, marrying Jennifer and adopting Gia. Aman suddenly shows up in the living room to reveal that he made a third mistake. Was it an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope? Dadi asks him what the hell he’s doing there, which provides a convenient segue for Aman to launch into one of his dramatic monologues. He explains that Jennifer’s husband had an affair, one result of which was Gia. When Gia’s mother refused to accept her, Jennifer adopted her, even though Gia was a constant reminder of her husband’s affair. Aman explains that Jennifer’s strength reminded her husband of his own weakness, which is why he killed himself. Gia’s mother certainly wrote an informative, if ambiguously addressed, letter.

Part 20 Part 22

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 20

2005-06-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

In his apartment, Rohit gingerly opens a box, which contains a red tie and a bad poem from Naina about red ties and something Buddhu. I have no idea what Buddhu means, but Rohit seems pleased, and goes looking for Aman. He finds Aman in his bedroom, tells him that he loves him, points in the general direction of his red tie/crotch, and tells Aman to look. For some reason, Aman doesn’t want to look at Rohit’s tie/crotch, even though five minutes ago, he was all about having sex with him in the elevator. Rohit explains that Naina gave him the red tie and a love letter, then he urges Aman to start working on his Six Days, A Girl in Your Face book. Meanwhile, Naina walks up to the doorway to Aman’s room and overhears their conversation, failing to be distracted by the giant framed picture of a professional wrestler hanging in the hallway. Aman sees Naina in the doorway and tries to cover by telling Rohit that he didn’t do anything, it was all Rohit’s idea. Rohit, oblivious, insists that it’s because of Aman that Naina is in his heart and his breath. Rohit had better watch out that Naina doesn’t suddenly sneak up on him in the realm of his eyes. And should maybe also see an oral hygiene specialist about the breath thing. Aman points out that Naina is in his room, then runs away to look out the window while Rohit and Naina exchange awkward stares. Naina throws her mini-backpack down in anger and storms out of the house.

Naina runs to the train station while Rohit chases after her. She turns around and tells Rohit that he and Aman should win an award for Six Days, A Girl in Your Face, but seems angered rather than pleased by this accomplishment. She says that Rohit was supposed to be her friend, but then he told Aman everything that Naina had confided in him, and was convinced by Aman that what he felt wasn’t friendship, but love. Rohit insists that he loves her, and that’s the truth, but Naina says that’s not the truth; the truth is that he has broken her heart and hurt her. Then she turns to Aman and tells him that even though her life sucked before, at least then she had a friend, but now she doesn’t even have that anymore. Aman tries to stop her from leaving as a multiracial crowd of Hindi speakers stands around and eavesdrops.

Naina tells Aman to leave her alone and walks away. Aman pulls the black diary out of Rohit’s pocket and starts reading aloud. He reads that Rohit wishes he could tell Naina how much he loves her. Then he reads, “I love you; I love you very much, Naina.” Naina turns around as Aman continues, “I love you and –" He turns the page, which is blank. Rohit’s pen must have run out. Aman decides to freestyle, saying that whenever he closes his eyes, he sees Naina, and then whenever he opens them, he longs to see her. And then whenever he stares for too long at a computer screen, sometimes Naina becomes a little blurry. Aman describes how he feels her presence everywhere, throws in some metaphors about his heart, and starts crying. He’s not even pretending to look at the diary anymore as he says that his love stands apart from all other loves because those loves didn’t involve Naina. As Aman and Naina gaze tearfully into each others’ eyes, Aman says that he will love her forever. He explains that everything he just said while maintaining unwavering and heartfelt eye contact with Naina is what Rohit wrote in his diary. Rather than sticking around to read some passages about Rohit’s red underwear as I had hoped he would, Aman walks away, while Rohit, Naina, and the multiracial Hindi speakers stand around, unsure what to do next.

Aman leans against a phone booth on the train platform, trying to compose himself. Rohit approaches him, worried about the fact that Aman just turned him into even more of a fraud than the fraud that Naina was initially angry with. Aman points out that Rohit would have said the same thing as Aman if his pen hadn’t run out right in the middle of “I love you and –" Aman assures Rohit that girls like it when people do this sort of thing, and tells him that he’s done it a lot. So when Aman likes a girl, sometimes he gets a friend to pull out his half-written diary and make up long, obviously fake monologues off the top of his head on Aman’s behalf? If this is the sort of dating advice that Aman plans to include in Six Days, A Girl in Your Face, well, I guess it probably can’t be any worse than most of what’s already out there. Aman excuses himself from talking to Rohit to go make a phone call, by which he means weep inconsolably about his unrealized love and impending death.

Naina goes to her special sobbing spot, the picnic table by the bridge, where her mother tracks her down. She tells Naina that a lifelong relationship requires both strength and love, and that her father loved them a lot, but was weak, which is why he left them all high and dry. Jennifer says that Rohit isn’t weak, and that he loves her a lot. Naina asks if it isn’t a sign of weakness that Rohit needed Aman’s help to obtain his love, but Jennifer responds that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help. She doesn’t express an opinion about the ethics of fake diary monologues, though. She says that the fact that Rohit is willing to accept Naina even though she’s in love with someone else is a sign of strength and love, and that if Naina rejects him, it will be a girl’s decision. Tomorrow when she repents it, it will be a woman’s regret. The hours between the girlish decision and the womanly regret might be a good time for Naina to sing that Britney song and make up some nice choreography, though.

Rohit zones out in his office, then gets a phone call from Naina. She says tentatively that she wants to talk to him, and that it’s “kind of private.” Cut to Sweetu, reading an envelope labeled “Private and Confidential, J. Kapur.” She thinks it must be from Frankie, and runs up to tell Jazz. Aman walks in, congratulates them on something, then looks at Jazz’s ass and declares it “fantastic.” Aman tells them that Naina wants to see Rohit for their first meeting, they gasp, then Sweetu tells them a few more times about the letter from Frankie and goes to open it. Aman steals the letter from her and starts to read it, but his face falls and he tells Sweetu that it’s not Frankie’s letter. He strides purposefully over to Jennifer’s house with the letter.

At Naina’s house everyone gathers downstairs as Jazz runs down the steps shouting that Naina’s coming. Naina, carrying a bouquet, walks downstairs in a not very attractive white dress as everyone claps and showers her with flower petals. Is Naina planning on squeezing in a quick marriage before her date with Rohit? As she leaves, Aman tells her to wait. He lets her hair down, and we get a helpful flashback to Rohit saying that he likes Naina’s hair down, in case we thought that Aman simply took a casual interest in Naina’s hair, and not that Naina’s hair was a metaphor for her shifting allegiances in a passionate love triangle.

Naina steps out of a limo and walks into a darkened concert hall. A spotlight suddenly illuminates Naina, then another reveals Rohit, dressed in a tux and holding some long-stemmed roses. He walks up to Naina and tells her that he knows that she doesn’t have love for him today, but that she will eventually. And since he knows that his love is enough for the both of them, he asks her to take the roses that he had hoped to give her so many fateful pages ago. He says, “Naina…Naina…Naina,” as a bell tolls and various concert hall lighting fixtures illuminate on cue. “Marry me!” he asks, as a chorus of women in gold dresses walk out onto the balcony and sing “WIIIILLL YOOOUUU MAAA-RRRYYY MEEEE?” accompanied by a small string orchestra. Rohit drops to one knee. Naina stares at him for a moment, then closes her eyes. I think she’s concerned about how casually Rohit’s taking things on their first date.

Part 19 Part 21

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 19

2005-06-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

Aman voiceovers that today, Rohit will tell Naina what’s in his heart. Someone approaches Naina. It’s a guy named Lee, who thanks Naina for her notes and tells us that it’s Day Four. Rohit walks up behind Naina and says hi, but Naina storms away, pissed that he hasn’t been around when she’s most needed a friend. Rohit tells Naina that he’s tired of being a friend, because he gets all of the laughing and all of the crying, but none of the loving. He explains that a very intelligent man once said that the first step to love is friendship, and the last step is also friendship, and that the middle is all that’s left. I think that’s the part with the sex. Rohit tells Naina to take a step and find her path. As he leaves, Rohit says that to do this, he gives her – he looks at his watch – the rest of his life. I guess Rohit’s watch has one of those creepy countdown timers that tells you when you’re going to die on it. As Rohit walks away, Voicover Naina says that she wondered what Rohit meant. Did she also wonder who the “very intelligent man” was? Because that was totally vague. Voiceover Naina says that at that moment, Rohit ceased to be her friend, and became something else. But she doesn’t know what.

A newspaper-reading Wall Street guy tells us that it’s Day Five. Rohit greets Naina, calls her “sweetie,” and kisses her on the cheek in a smarmy yet dorky manner. He gives her a box, which he says contains his heart. Then he gives her the smarmy-dork smile again, blows her a kiss, and walks away. Why are Rohit and Naina always having these thirty-second meetings at scenic locations around the city? You’d think that once they went to the trouble of meeting each other, they’d at least have coffee or something. Naina opens the box, which contains the red dress from before and a bad poem about Rohit’s heart and Subhash Ghai.

Uday Chopra bicycles by and tells us that it’s Day Six. Rohit and Naina hang out in a park, where Rohit recites more poetry and asks Naina to take salsa lessons with him so he will have an item to perform at his parents’ wedding anniversary. He tells Naina that since she’s going to be his life partner, she may as well be his salsa partner. Naina says no. He tells her that he just wants to dance, not enchance. Naina says no again. With lines like these, I’m starting to see why Naina only spends thirty seconds with Rohit at a time. He makes some cute puppy dog faces, and Naina finally gives in. Two seconds after Naina leaves, Aman pops up and praises Rohit’s poetry recitation. Rohit sighs and says that he really loves Naina, and Aman says he loves her too, then pretends that he’s lying. After Rohit leaves, Aman, looking pensive, recites the poem that Rohit was just delivering and pounds his fist against his heart, which has totally screwed him over.

Salsa class. Rohit and Naina suck, then they get better. Meanwhile, Aman stalks them from the second floor balcony. Song! Aman, dressed entirely in white, walks around on a bridge and sings about how life’s always changing. And also the weather. As he stands precariously on the edge of the bridge, he sings that we should live life to the fullest, because tomorrow might never come, especially if we spend a lot of time balancing dangerously close to the edge of bridges. He decides to hang out on the edge of a different bridge and makes some more death-dying expressive gestures. Meanwhile, Rohit and Naina share an apple in the park and then shove each other playfully while wearing subtly color-coordinating clothing. They watch a sunset, then Rohit strangles Naina affectionately.

Aman lurks around invisibly and gazes at Naina while singing that someone who loves Naina with all his heart is the one for her, and that if she meets a person like that, she should take his hand. Well, that’s not helpful at all. Naina’s problem is that she’s met two people who love her with all their hearts, and she prefers one of them, but he is dying and has a pretend wife. As Rohit and Naina wander off to frolic some more in the park, Aman reminds us again about how we’re all going to die. He gazes into the sky, where he can just barely make out a fantasy sequence in the distance.

Aman, dressed in a suit, hangs out in Rohit’s office, then turns down a date with Julia the receptionist on the way out. He hits on the What Not to Wear woman in the elevator, even though she is now married to Rohit. Aman says that he doesn’t mind, then Aman and Rohit edge closer together as the elevator door closes. Aman meets Naina for M.B.A. class, then in class he tries to arrange a three-way with Gita, who seems into it. So basically Aman’s fantasy is that he sets up threesomes with everyone he meets? I didn't realize Aman was such a ho.

Aman meets Naina for an elegant rooftop dinner and sings that if someone should get close to her in the realm of her eyes, she should try a million times to control her crazy heart. AAAAHHH! Sorry, someone just snuck up behind me in the realm of my eyes. As Aman drags a rose between Naina’s breasts, combs her hair with it, then tosses it away, he sings that though she will try to control it, Naina’s heart will continue to beat wildly in the realm of her eyes. Will her pancreas continue to secrete insulin into her Achilles tendon, or can that be brought under control? As he lowers his head to the level of Naina’s chest, Aman sings that this moment may not exist tomorrow, which is why he’s taking such a good, long look at Naina’s breasts right now while he has the chance.

Aman, dressed in white again, sits on another railing and looks at the fountain in Central Park. Then he walks around the fountain in a disappointingly non-death-defying manner while repeating the first verse. Rohit and Naina salsa some more, then Priya finally provides Aman with some actual medical care, an echocardiogram that beats in time with the song. It’s a good thing Aman came to New York for treatment; in India the technology that makes echocardiograms beat in time to popular songs is actually slightly less reliable. Alternating shots of salsa dancing and medical treatment. Priya does very little to hide her horrified expression as she looks at Aman’s EKG readout, but Aman laughs it off, because the song is ending, just like our lives.
Part 18 Part 20

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 18

2005-06-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Montage of Rohit going out on a couple of awkward dates with Camilla, as the incidental music tells us a few more times about how she wants his money. Rohit and Camilla emerge disheveled and half-dressed from behind a couch. I think it would be nice if the incidental music people composed a little song about what Rohit wants out of this relationship. Rohit goes shopping to buy a necklace for Camilla, but finds out that it costs $20,000, so he decides to get her a dozen roses instead for $5. I wonder if Rohit does this sort of thing a lot. Like maybe he'll be planning a lavish vacation on the French Riviera, but then he'll just decide to go get some nachos instead. Rohit asks the florist for yellow roses and says that the red ones disturb him, being associated in his mind with feelings of love, rather than feelings of "hooking up behind the couch is fun.”

Rohit gets a call on his giant cell phone from Camilla, who is at the spa, but lies that she’s at the temple, because she has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They make a date for 9 at Water’s Edge. At the restaurant, Rohit runs off to talk to a friend, while Camilla schemes with the waiter and hands him a ring. Meanwhile, Aman, wearing a sweatshirt with the hood up, skulks into Rohit’s apartment as Kantaben gasps. Is he trying to be sneaky with the hood up? Because the sweatshirt is bright chartreuse, so I don’t see how that helps. Aman asks Kantaben where Rohit is, but Kantaben says that she doesn’t know. As Aman starts snooping around, Kantaben tells him that Rohit’s with a girl, emphasizing the word “girl” to indicate that Rohit is back in the cupboard. (Metaphorically, not with the girl.) Kantaben won’t tell Aman where Rohit has gone, but he finds a note on the fridge that says “9 pm, Water’s Edge.” Kantaben begs him not to go after Rohit, but Aman says dramatically that he will die before he leaves Rohit, and then takes off after him quicker than you can say “Aaaaaaaaayyy, KANTABEN!”

Camilla finds a ring in her champagne glass and announces to the restaurant that she will marry Rohit. Rohit excuses himself to the bathroom so he can freak out in peace. Meanwhile, Camilla pays off the waiter and celebrates on the phone with her mother so openly that even a casual eavesdropper like Aman can figure out what's going on, despite not having been alerted to her intentions by the incidental music. In the bathroom Rohit splashes water on his face and tells himself that marriage will be great. He bumps into Aman, who tells him that Camilla only loves his money. She doesn't love the hooking up behind the couch? Rohit is insulted and says that that’s not true, so Aman advises him to tell Camilla that he’s not going to accept his father’s money, and is going to make his own way in the world. Rohit tells Aman that that’s sick and cheap, and that he will never say such a thing. Then he says it to Camilla, who disappears with one last chorus of “She wants your money!”

Rohit’s roof. Rohit covers his ears and sings that Aman is talking rubbish as Aman follows him, talking rubbish. Rohit turns toward the camera, recaps the love triangle situation, and explains that Aman is trying to convince him that he shouldn’t give up on Naina. So maybe Aman's the one who stencilled the words "STAY POSITIVE" onto Rohit's button-down shirt. And then apparently ran the shirt over several times with a bicycle. Aman says that Naina only thinks she’s in love with Aman because he’s a new entry to her life, and that she takes Rohit for granted because she's known him for so long. He tells Rohit to forget the dosti-wosti and show Naina some love. I mean love-wuv. They gaze off into the distance and list some of Naina’s nice qualities, which include her eyes, her fury, and her hair, which Aman likes up, but Rohit likes down. Rohit asks Aman what he should do now, and Aman says that he’s got a plan, the English title of which is “Six Days, a Girl in Your Face.” It’s no He’s Just Not That Into You, but maybe it sounds better in Hindi. The plan takes six days because Aman doesn’t work Sundays. Like God. Or an angel, maybe. I don’t know. Do angels work Sundays?

Aman and Rohit have a beer at Water’s Edge as the scheming waiter from before tells us that it’s Day One. Rohit explains that Naina waits for him here every day at 6 so they can walk to class together. Aman tells him not to meet her today and offers a convoluted explanation of his plan that involves saying the word “confused” a lot. I think the plan is to confuse the audience into thinking that the Six Day Girl in Your Face plan actually makes some kind of sense. Aman explains that the first step of the plan involves sticking a headphone in Rohit’s ear. Some sort of confusion ensues, followed by laughter. I’m just going to assume that the Hindi word for “ear” sounds like the word for “ass,” and that this is a putting stuff up your butt joke. Aman tells Rohit to listen to the headset and do whatever Aman tells him to do. As Rohit walks down the street, Aman tells him to loosen his tie and do a Stayin’ Alive-style disco walk. Rohit obeys, even though Naina is nowhere in sight and he looks like a doofus. Aman should tell Rohit to put his underwear on his head and do the Roger Rabbit. Once Rohit reaches the classroom, Aman instructs him to sit down next to Naina and ignore her when she asks him where he's been. Aman tells Rohit to glare at her, approves his angry glare even though he supposedly can’t see it, then tells Rohit to stick his finger in his nose.

Gita and some friends of hers walk into class and tell us that it’s Day Two. As Aman hangs out at the expensive necklace store, he advises Rohit on his headset to sit next to a sexy woman in class. Rohit sits next to Gita, so Aman tells him to flirt with her in front of Naina and say that it’s his birthday. The lady at the expensive necklace store overhears Aman say "It's my birthday," and wishes him a happy birthday. Aman and Rohit get pretend birthday kisses on the cheek, inappropriately hug the saleswoman and Gita respectively, then get smacked.

As he gets into a cab, Rohit tells us that it’s Day Three. Aman skateboards up unsteadily, wearing an ipod and generally being a cool dude; he tells an annoyed Rohit not to go to class today. Cut to Rohit’s apartment, where Aman does the moonwalk while Rohit complains that his plan is rubbish. Rohit says that he hasn’t talked to Naina in three days, and Aman points out that he hasn’t either. Rohit counters dramatic ironically that Aman isn’t the one in love with Naina. Aman advises a frustrated Rohit to ignore Naina’s calls, then the phone rings, and Rohit answers. He yells, “Naina, I love you, I love, you, I love you!” into the phone, but it’s for Aman. After he takes the call from his mother, Aman tells Rohit omnisciently that Naina will wake up, debate whether to call Rohit, put down the phone, curse Rohit twice, then decide to call after all. Meanwhile, Naina does these things exactly as predicted. Aman didn't predict that she would be wearing her FBI t-shirt, though. The phone rings, and Rohit gets up to answer it. Aman grabs him from behind and tries to prevent him from answering the phone by dry-humping him, while Rohit bends over and yells, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" Guess who shows up? Aaaaaayyyy, KANTABEN!

Part 17 Part 19

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 17

2005-05-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

Strip club! Rohit’s there with his father, Satish Shah. He tells Rohit to enjoy, enjoy, but Rohit tells him that he doesn’t want to enjoy. Rohit’s father asks him if everything is “normal,” and Rohit wants to know what “normal” means, since he doesn’t seem to think it means watching his father ogle naked women. His dad says that Kantaben told him that Rohit was in love with someone. Rohit sighs and says it doesn’t matter, because the love isn’t mutual. Relieved, Rohit’s father says, “Thank God!” Rohit can’t believe that he’s happy that Rohit’s dreams of getting married and having kids have been crushed, since that’s supposed to be the one universal goal of Indian parents everywhere. Rohit’s father is momentarily confused by the possibility of Rohit having kids, but then remembers that he’s in America, where anything is possible, even non-gay gay people having children. He explains that Kantaben mentioned something about a cupboard, but doesn’t really want to elaborate; Rohit finally figures out the mix-up, indicates via sign language that he’s not gay, and tells his father that he’s in love with a girl. His father tells him to explain about the girl in the car on the way home, because his mother misses him.

They arrive at the house that dhoklas built, where Rohit’s mother and her friends do a “Rohit’s back from the strip club” song and dance routine. Buffet Time! Rohit asks what’s up with the buffet and the dancers and everything, and his mother explains that they’re rehearsing for their 25^th wedding anniversary party, where they will be performing a dance. About Rohit being back from the strip club? Rohit’s parents ask him what he'll be doing for the party, and Rohit makes a face and changes the subject to the fact they’re having their 25^th wedding anniversary, and he’s 28. Sounds like somebody was an accident! They cover by saying that they are just trying to hide their age from the Gujju community. Rohit looks relieved, then notices a crowd of Indian women of marriageable age smiling and waving at him. His father informs him that he is now a GCGC, or Good Catch of Gujju Community, tells him they’ve picked out a girl and a wedding date, hands him the bride’s photo and some honeymoon brochures, and starts talking about baby names. But what about nursery schools? Rohit’s parents better get on the ball. Rohit gets angry and says that he doesn’t want to get married. His dad asks him if he’s still heterosexual, and Rohit says it’s not that; he just doesn’t want to get married.

As Rohit storms away in exasperation and says a few more times that he doesn’t want to get married, a woman asks him if he’s sure. She’s wearing a low-cut laundry bag over a sports bra and a giant square choker that makes her head look like it’s been severed from her body, but other than that, she’s quite attractive. She comments to the woman standing next to her that Rohit is good looking and rich, then introduces herself as Camilla and offers Rohit her phone number. Well, she seems interested and friendly, but what does the incidental music think about her? “She wants your money!” the incidental music sings. Hmm, I guess the incidental music usually is right about these things, but I don't see why it always has to be so judgemental.

As Voiceover Naina talks about forging relationships, Naina walks into her house and gets similarly railroaded into a matchmaking attempt. Dadi tells Naina that Kammo’s brother is visiting with his family, who are seated in the living room. Kammo’s brother introduces everyone and is particularly enthusiastic in his introduction of his daughter-in-law “Mrs. Jassi!” He seems to be focused on setting up his younger son Bantu, who is shy and coy, but has nice eyes. Various jokes that I don’t get are made, then Naina excuses herself to go have a word with Dadi. In the next room, Naina angrily asks her what’s going on, and Dadi explains that the family has extended a marriage proposal. They start arguing, then Jennifer comes in to shush them. Then she starts arguing with Dadi, and the argument escalates until Naina yells “Stop it!” so loudly that Kammo’s brother drops his laddoo in the next room. Naina tells Jennifer and Dadi that the house has been full of hatred ever since her father died, and says that no one would want to marry into such a non-loving family. Then she goes back into the living room and tells Kammo’s brother and his family that she and her family are crazy and that they should get out while they still can. As Naina storms out, Dadi tells Kammo’s brother to eat a big laddoo. I should start carrying salads and laddoos around with me just so I can start stuffing my face anytime something awkward happens.

Naina goes to her special picnic table by the bridge to sob, and her mother finds her and sits down next to her. Jennifer confirms that Naina’s in love with Aman even though he’s married, then starts crying about the fact that Naina will never love again and will die alone. Naina says that the guilt trip’s not going to work, because she loves Aman, and really will die alone. As she reflects on all of Aman’s irritating qualities, like the fact that he’s always eavesdropping, Aman shows up on the bench behind her, eavesdropping and enjoying a beverage from Starbucks. Neither Jennifer nor Naina appears to notice him, even though he’s about two feet away. Naina asks Jennifer what she should do about her broken heart, and Jennifer says that their angel is looking at them right now, and will make sure that Naina loves again. Oh, so Aman’s the angel! This whole time I’ve been waiting for John Travolta to show up. So is Aman invisible? Voiceover Naina explains that Aman’s plan is to fill her heart with Rohit’s love, even though Rohit is otherwise occupied right now.

Part 16 Part 18

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 16

2005-05-15T14:55:00.000-07:00

As Aman and Priya walk down the street, Aman asks her to tell him truthfully how much time he has left. Aman is wearing a burlap sack labelled with a Sharpie marker. Priya avoids the question and asks Aman about Naina. Aman says that since Naina’s father already left her, if Aman leaves her too, she will go insane, both because she is already partially insane, and because all the girls go crazy for hot studs like Aman. Except for Priya, because she’s tall. Aman talks about how much he loves Naina, and says that all his life he ran away from love, but then when his life started running away from him, love bumped into him. He makes a little tongue clucking noise to mimic the sound of love bumping into him in the dead-end, deserted alley where his life was headed. Then he gazes seriously at Priya and asks her if he really doesn’t have much time. Priya tries to tell Aman that as soon as he finds a donor, he’ll be fine, but is really bad at lying. Aman starts making fun of her shitty bedside manner and tells her to give him a hug, since it’s not like there’s anything else she can do, like, oh, I don’t know, take him to a hospital and try to provide him with some kind of medical care.

Naina stalks them from her upstairs window, as Voiceover Naina talks about how bummed she and Gia are that Aman is married. As Rohit waters his plants sadly, Voiceover Naina explains that Laila has also found love. Rohit’s dog sits happily next to a German Shepherd on a lawn chair. It’s nice that Laila has found a relationship with another dog that goes beyond the superficial level of feverish humping. Voiceover Naina says that the biggest heartbreak of all was Sweetu’s, because Frankie ran off to London to join some bhangra group with a lame-ass name. Voiceover Naina explains that while the youngsters were nursing their broken hearts, the elders were getting ready for a little somethin’ somethin’. Chadda and Lajjo exchange glances through the window while admiring the roses that have at some point been in the possession of every person in the movie.

Naina goes to the store to return the red dress that she already wore, and bumps into Rohit, who, coincidentally, is also returning the red article of clothing that indicated that he was in love and feeling optimistic about it. Naina is wearing a pink sweater, and Rohit is wearing a pink tie, so apparently pink is the color to wear if you’re in love with someone who has just rejected you. Maybe tomorrow they’ll both be wearing their blue jelly bracelets, indicating that they’re looking for a no-strings attached physical relationship. Rohit asks Naina what happened to Aman, but they decide to go get a salad before Naina talks about it.

Cut to Rohit, eating a salad, expressing shock that Aman is married. He asks why Naina didn’t tell him earlier, before he and Aman got drunk and had sex. Naina says that if she had known earlier, she wouldn’t have fallen in love. Rohit asks her what she’s going to do now. Naina says that first she couldn’t fall in love, and now she can’t fall out of it, but she has to, or her heart will feel lonely. Rohit tells her that she’ll never be alone, because he will always be there for her. He flirts with her some more, but pretends that he’s kidding. Then he gazes at her in a non-kidding way and asks her if she thinks she’ll ever fall in love with someone again. His eyes say, “[Cough, cough] Someone like me [cough].” Naina looks at him for ten minutes, then goes back to eating her salad. Rohit decides to pretend he didn’t say anything, and goes back to eating his salad. Good thing there’s some salad there, or that would have been totally awkward.

Voiceover Naina explains that her silence made Rohit realize that he has to forget his first love. He tells Laila that he has to forget his first love. At least Laila is there for him, when she could have been out on a romantic date with the German Shepherd. Voiceover Naina explains that it’s not that easy to forget your first love, as she waits tables at the restaurant, looks at Aman, and tries to forget her first love. Montage! Lajjo holds a flower and says that her first love was Dev Anand. Chadda says that his first and last love is Lajjo. Kammo and Vimmo stroke some phallic vegetables and realize that they both loved the same dude, Lovechand Kukreja. Shiv looks at his first love, an Asian girl who touches his cheek disinterestedly. Gia gasps, maybe because Shiv seems way more into the relationship than his girlfriend. Guru’s first love wasn’t that into him either, so he shot her.

Aman leaves angry messages on Rohit’s machine, telling him that he can’t forget his first love, and begging Rohit to call him back. I think Aman needs to let it go, since Rohit seems to have written it off as just a fleeting, drunken night of passion. Kantaben hears the message, and the thought of Rohit being involved in a homosexual relationship with Aman causes her to quake with fear. Or maybe she’s quaking with fear at the thought that their happy and loving relationship has gone sour. Difficult to tell. Aaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy, KANTABEN!

Part 15 Part 17

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 15

2005-05-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Aman enters his living room and listens to a message from a depressed-sounding Rohit on the answering machine. Naina skips down the street and then pirouettes through the train station. As she walks up to Aman’s house, it starts to rain; Naina smiles happily, because soon she and Aman will be singing and writhing around in the rain, wearing drenched, clingy clothing and almost kissing but not quite. Perhaps there will be erect nipples.

Aman opens the door to see Naina holding the bouquet of roses. They sit down, and Naina tries to make small talk while Aman does that thing where he insults her because he thinks it’s cute even though really it’s just annoying. Naina stammers, trying to figure out how to tell Aman that she wants to writhe around in the rain and almost kiss him, but then she notices the photo from Priya’s wedding lying on the coffee table. She asks Aman who the person in the picture is, and Aman says that it’s Priya, his wife. Thunderclap! Naina turns to look at him in shock. Thunderclap Number 2! Naina looks at him in a wider angle shot. Thunderclap Number 3! Naina’s still looking at him.

Aman explains that he married Priya three years ago, and they had the usual husband-wife arguments, but then one day Aman did that thing where he says something completely rude and pretends that he’s kidding, so Priya left him and went to New York. Now he’s in New York to bring her back. As Aman talks about his secret wife, Naina stares straight ahead, trying not to burst into hysterical sobs. Aman shows her the wedding picture again and talks about how pretty Priya is, then finally notices the look of utter despair on Naina’s face. He tells her not to cry, because everything will work out with him and Priya. Naina says that she should get going before her stoic façade crumbles, but Aman tells her to stay, accidentally calling her Priya. Unsurprisingly, Naina gets up to leave, probably fearful of being crushed under the weight of Aman’s complete obliviousness. Aman asks for the flowers, but Naina says that they’re for Chadda uncle, for introducing her to such nice people, but not their mysterious wives. Finally, Naina goes outside, where she can let the hysterical sobs fly.

Aman’s mother asks Aman if he loves her. Aman says that he doesn’t love Naina, so Aman’s mother is all, “Who said anything about Naina?” Aman insists that he doesn’t love Naina, but his mother holds up his hand, which has two fingers crossed. Busted! She uncrosses his fingers and says that she’s his mother, and that Aman can’t lie to her. Well, not if he’s going to do it that badly, with his fingers crossed and everything. Aman asks her how he can tell Naina the truth, when even his own mother can’t face it. He asks her how he can tell Naina that the love for her in his heart is very strong, but that his heart itself is very weak. He wants to know how he can explain that Priya isn’t his wife, but rather, his friend and doctor, who is fighting day and night to keep him alive for a few more days. She is? By taking walks and eating at pleasant outdoor cafes? Aman says “Dammit!” a few times, fights back tears, and tells his mother that he’s dying. She starts crying and says that it’s not true, and that a transplant is possible, if only Priya can take a few more walks and find the appropriate restaurant. Aman tells his mother that she must stay strong, so she vows that she will hide her tears, but asks him how he will hide his love. He did a pretty good job of acting like a total jerk to Naina just a few minutes ago, so maybe it won't be that hard. Aman says that it’s not his love any more, and that he just has to deliver it to the right destination. Hopefully that won’t involve making some kind of love potion out of a purple flower, because that’s been known to fuck all kinds of shit up.

Naina sobs on a bridge. Rohit stares sadly out a window. Aman stares sadly out a different window. A heart beats. Is it Aman’s crappy one? Intermission.

Part 14 Part 16

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 14

2005-05-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

Montage. Dadi hangs out at Kunwari Kudi and says that there’s no such thing as love, only arranged marriage. Jazz wears a slinky dress and talks about jism. Guru says that love is pirated music. Frankie says that love is “to chill.” Aman says that he’ll tell us about love in a second, but right now he’s busy hanging out on a bridge.

Song! Separately, Naina and Rohit skip down the sidewalk, flinging their briefcases around and playing air guitar. Rohit leans on some guy reading the newspaper and sings to him about how he’s been feeling for the past few days. Naina sings that everything has changed, steals some guy’s frappuccino, and dances around a coffee shop. Quick montage of couples being lovey-dovey.

Naina walks down a busy sidewalk wearing a shower cap, then realizes that she’s wearing a shower cap, takes it off, and smiles giddily, because when you’re in love, even walking around like a jackass in a shower cap is awesome. In the bookstore, she sings and reads some chick-lit, but the bookstore lady tells her to shut up, so she buries her face in some Pablo Neruda poems and teleports onto a bus. I tried using some David Sedaris essays to teleport onto the subway, but that didn’t seem to work. Naina snaps her fingers and starts dancing around the bus as her fellow passengers smile and nod politely at the crazy lady.

Rohit sits on a precarious-looking balcony railing and sings about how swell he’s been feeling since his heart started melting, then gives himself a noogie. On the sidewalk, he sings that he’s happy and leans again on someone reading the paper. Hey, it’s that guy who was reading the paper before! And he’s moved on to the Arts section! Rohit pinches his cheeks and they do the do-si-do, then they give each other a big hug, because so much has happened between them.

Rohit and Naina ballroom dance with themselves, then Naina flails spastically in front of a Virgin Megastore, skips around on a bridge, throws some flowers in the air, then flails spastically some more. Montage of more happy couples, including two wiggling flowers that seem to be having flower sex. I wonder how the guy who was laying on the ground, wiggling two flowers together to simulate flower sex, was feeling about his career that day.

Rohit is at the salon, holding a chunk of brick that is getting a manicure. I rewound it several times, but I still have no idea what’s going on. He gets out of a cab and checks out his reflection in a mirror that dancing workmen are conveniently carrying into a nearby building. Rohit spins around in front of the mirror, because getting a random chunk of brick manicured apparently does wonders for one’s appearance and confidence. Frappuccino guy offers Naina the frappuccino, since she already stole it and everything. Wow, she’s got some gigantic sleeves. They look like those collars that people put on dogs when they're injured. Rohit and Naina dance with various members of New York’s service industry, then sing about getting high and surfing waves or something. They cross paths without seeing each other, and then they sing again that something has happened. But will they ever tell us what?

End of song. Aman gives a speech about how when you’re in love, everything changes, including your opinion about whether red looks nice. Meanwhile, Rohit picks out a red tie, while Naina admires a red dress, because something has happened to them. Aman says that when you’re in love, there is only one name on your lips. Rohit says, “Naina,” Naina says, “Aman,” and Aman says “Sweetu,” since Sweetu is sitting right in front of him. He says “Sweetu” a few more times and then asks her if she loves Frankie. Cut to Sweetu telling Naina, “I love Frankie,” to which Naina responds, “I love Aman,” because everything is all about her. Over the phone, Rohit tells Aman that he loves Naina, while Aman walks somewhere with Priya. Aman tells Rohit that he’ll meet him at his apartment, then ditches Priya even though they are on an important walk, trying to solve their serious problem. Sweetu advises Naina to tell Aman, while Aman advises Rohit to tell Naina, then punches him in the solar plexus. Naina wusses out and calls Rohit instead, maybe because she’s afraid of getting punched in the solar plexus by Aman. She arranges to meet Rohit at 5pm at a place called “Water’s Edge,” because they both have something to tell each other. Something that can only end badly. Rohit gives Aman a hug and repeatedly tells him that he loves him, just in time for Kantaben to walk in, gawk at the homoeroticism, and collapse unnoticed onto a gigantic couch. The incidental music sings, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy, KANTABEN!”

Naina pulls up in a cab at Water’s Edge, wearing her red dress. As she arrives, Rohit, wearing his red tie, tells some violinists to start playing. Rohit and Naina compliment each other on their red clothing, then fidget awkwardly. Finally, Naina blurts out, “I love Aman!” Rohit smiles, frozen, as the violinists’ tune modulates into the minor key of unrequited love. Naina says excitedly that she knew he would be shocked by the news. Rohit tells her she has no idea how shocked, then takes the imaginary knife that Naina has plunged into his heart and twists it in a bit further. Naina says that she’s nervous, because she doesn’t know if Aman loves her. She’s definitely not great at picking up subtle signals of love, like, say, dates at romantic restaurants with violin serenades, champagne, and roses, so that’s not surprising. Naina asks Rohit if she should tell Aman about her feelings, and Rohit blurts out “No!” but then quickly amends it to “Go, go!” As Naina gets up eagerly to go talk to Aman, Rohit hands her the red roses and tells her to give them to Aman, because apart from macking on married women in the elevator, Rohit is a total sweetie. Naina tells Rohit that he’s cute and that she loves him, then runs off to go declare her love more sincerely to someone else. Rohit watches Naina leave and says sadly that he loves her, too.

Part 13 Part 15

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 13

2005-05-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

As Naina wonders if unhappiness is just around the corner, she walks past Aman and Priya having lunch outside. Priya looks pensive and tells Aman that she needs more time, because the unidentified problem that they are discussing is serious. They have an argument about whether Aman should have come to New York, and Priya repeats that she needs more time, both his time and hers. What would have happened if she only needed her time, but not his? Could they have somehow disrupted the space-time continuum in order to only waste her time? Aman says that he came to New York because of her, and will do what she says. He tells her that his time is hers. But what about if she’s stationary, and he’s traveling at the speed of light?

Crying, Jennifer says that they have to leave the restaurant in two months. Everyone’s there, including Frankie, so apparently Frankie was cool with how Sweetu decided he was her boyfriend five minutes after meeting him. Rohit, wearing another Renaissance Fair shirt, offers to help Jennifer out with the money situation, but Dadi objects to seeking help from a Gujarati. Even a Gujarati from Renaissance times? Naina says that this is a serious problem, and Aman says there’s a simple solution. He stands up so he can go into Inspirational Speech Mode, and rhetorically asks what the restaurant serves that can’t be found anywhere else on their street. Well, there’s the possibility of sex with Jazz. Aman then asks why the Chinese restaurant across the street is doing so well, as a gong sounds and we cut to a shot of a Asian family standing in front of the restaurant and bowing. Shouldn’t they be running the restaurant instead of standing around outside and reinforcing cultural stereotypes? Jazz swears some more at them. Aman says that their Chinese restaurant does so well because they brought their country and culture with them. That’s also why Chili’s does so well. Aman says that they should take advantage of the fact that they are Indian, and bring India to New York. Or at least a sampling of Indian dishes that New York is most likely already familiar with. Naina is skeptical, but Aman says confidently that they must try, because those who try never lose. Really? I would have guessed that a good 65% of those who try lose. They form a huddle, raise their arms, and cheer, “YO!” Wait, what?

Song! As they redecorate the restaurant, everyone sings “Chale Chalo” from Lagaan. I hope next they don’t sing that terrible song with the English lady going, “Oh I’m in love! I am in love! Yes, I’m in loooooooove!” Aman dances around with a rolling pin while Rohit brandishes a pepper mill, then Aman rolls his eyes at Rohit because he’s brandishing a pepper mill, which is clearly more retarded than dancing around with a rolling pin. Everyone steps outside and points defiantly at the Asian family, who look frightened and a bit confused about where all this hostility is coming from. Ooh, samosas! Aman bumps into Naina, and they exchange lingering glances. As the camera shakes, everyone sings about how they’re going to shake things up. Naina takes down the American flag in the window while Rohit checks her out. Frankie replaces the “York” in “Café New York” with “Delhi.” I bet they saved a good four dollars at Kinko’s by printing out just the “Delhi.” Rohit and Naina hang an Indian flag in the window. There seems to be a bit of controversy about which direction the “Please Seat Yourself”/”Please Wait to be Seated” sign should face. “Please Seat Yourself” wins. Yes!

Having changed into nicer clothes, everyone waits to see if customers will arrive. The Asian family watches from across the street, because it’s not like they have a restaurant to run or anything. Moments pass with no one arriving. Jennifer’s face falls, as everyone grows disappointed. It’s okay, guys, I know it’s been a good ten seconds since you opened your restaurant and you still haven’t had a single customer, but I bet you that within the next ten seconds or so, business will totally be booming. Hey, look at that! Aman high fives Jennifer in the bustling restaurant, says “Yo, Jenny!” and gives her a hug while Naina looks on happily.

Naina sits on the couch in Aman’s living room and asks him why he has done all this for them. He says that Naina’s mother’s eyes are full of pain, and that whatever he has done has been for those eyes. He explains that his problem is that he can’t bear to see any mother’s pain, because mothers display everything that is supposed to be in their heart through their eyes. That does sound pretty gross; I can see why Aman wouldn't want to look at that. He cups his heart and says that this is where mothers think from, understand, and love. From the empty cavity where their heart used to be before it got transferred to their eyes? This is all very confusing. He says that mothers also like to eavesdrop on other people’s conversations and start crying. They turn around to look at Aman’s mother, who is eavesdropping from the kitchen, crying from the eyeball-shaped organs that now house her heart. She tells Aman that he’s crazy.

Aman takes off Naina’s glasses and stares at her, repeating her name. Naina blushes and stands up, looking off into the distance. She presses her hand to her cheek and looks overwhelmed. Aman asks her what happened. She says that she can’t see anything. Aman tries on her glasses and asks her if she can see now. Maybe it’ll work if Aman puts the glasses on his chest.

Naina meets Rohit near a train station, and he asks her where the glasses have gone. He comments that she looks pretty and is even smiling, then asks where Naina went, checking behind her to see if she has disappeared up her own ass. Naina tells him to shut up and says that whenever she’s with him, she’s happy. Except that time when she was crying. Naina asks Rohit if it’s ever happened to him that he didn’t like someone at first, then liked them a little, then liked them a lot, then… Rohit asks her then what, but Naina just says “You know,” and gives him the South Asian head nod. Rohit asks her why she’s asking him this, and she says just because, then leaves. Well, that was a completely pointless conversation. As Naina walks away, she smacks herself in the head as a woman sings that something has happened. Rohit also smacks his head as a male voice sings that something surely has happened. These people are all about expressing themselves in the vaguest way possible.

Part 12 Part 14

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 12

2005-04-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

Rohit and Naina get carried out of the club by some large bouncers. As Naina screams at them to let her go, Rohit asks a bouncer who looks nothing like Mohammed Ali if he’s Mohammed Ali. Aman tells them to shut up while Rohit tries not to puke, then they walk down the middle of the street in Times Square and sing “It’s the time to Disco.” It’s like their own little New Year’s Rockin’ Eve special. Rohit and Naina talk about walking to school when they were kids, then Rohit starts to fake cry and says that he misses his father. Aman asks Rohit when his father died, and Rohit says indignantly that he’s still alive. Naina says that she misses her father, too, then starts to fake cry in a slightly more convincing manner. Rohit walks over to her, wipes her tears, and tells her that he really likes her, and that his day is not complete until he has seen her. But did she have him at hello? Or show him the money? As the piano theme of tentative romance swells, Aman lets go of Naina’s other hand and looks sad. Naina tells Rohit that he’s cute, and Rohit starts play fighting with her and saying that he’ll box her one. My dad used to say that, and would then taunt his opponent by saying that they boxed like a chicken. Maybe that’s how he got my mom to marry him. Aman stands behind them and wistfully watches as they laugh and box each other one.

Dawn breaks behind a silhouetted bridge. Cut to Rohit’s apartment, where Rohit and Aman nuzzle each other in bed while Laila the dog sits behind them. Half-asleep, Rohit says “Good morning, Laila,” and pats Aman on the head. Aman says good morning to Rohit, who sleepily asks if Laila has learned to speak. Aman opens his eyes and barks, causing Rohit to open his eyes and sit up, startled. Aman explains that he dropped Rohit off, then decided to crash in Rohit’s bed because it was late. OK, but why is he barking like a dog? And how many times did they have sex? Aman asks for some water, and Rohit tells him to get it himself, because it’s right next to Rohit’s crotch. That Rohit’s a smooth operator. Aman bends over Rohit’s crotch to get some water, while Rohit stretches and groans. An older woman walks in, carrying a tray with some breakfast on it. Aman retrieves the water, sits up, and greets the surprised Kantaben. Hands shaking, Kantaben tells Rohit that breakfast is ready and asks what she should get the guest, looking suspiciously at Aman. Aman leans cozily against Rohit and asks Kantaben for a banana, making a thumbs-up gesture with his hand. It’s nice to know that phallic banana jokes can transcend the barriers of language and culture. Aman does some more ambiguously gay stuff, and Kantaben recoils, wiping her eyes on her sari in order to remove the residue of gay. Then she takes another peek. Watch out, Kantaben, it might be contagious!

Aman and Rohit make coffee, and Aman confirms that Rohit and Naina didn’t meet at the park. Rohit says that when he first met Naina, he didn’t like her at all, but that now… Aman interrupts and says he understands, that Rohit and Naina are very close. As he puts some milk in his coffee, he asks Rohit if he wants more. Rohit says he’s happy with just friendship, and Aman says he was talking about the milk. Why is Rohit drinking Parmalat? That stuff’s gross. As Aman gets up to leave, he tells Rohit that he knows everything about Naina, because he read Rohit’s diary, up until the part about Rohit’s red chuddies. Isn’t that the part where you would want to start reading? Or maybe that’s just me.

At church, the gospel choir sings “Amen” as the service comes to an end. Aman greets Jennifer, saying that he liked the service. Surprised, Naina comes up to him, and Aman tells her to stop following him. Naina tries to leave, but Aman grabs her hand and says he was just joking. He continues to hold her hand and makes a speech about how last night, he realized that she was a girl, but that for some reason she wants to hide the girl in her. So all this time Aman thought Naina was a man? He adds that somewhere, her father is watching her, and would rather see Naina smiling than crying over him. Even if the reason she's smiling is because she's completely hammered and stripping in public? Naina's dad sounds like a pretty cool guy. Aman points at her dimple and tells her to smile, then sings the gospel choir’s “Amen” song and dances away with an old lady. Naina smiles and touches her dimple.

Voiceover Naina says that everyone was falling for Aman. A montage reveals that Aman has convinced the 3 Amigos to give up singing in favor of doing the whorehouse dance from Devdas, has given Shiv a stepladder so he can play basketball, and has inspired Gia to impersonate him in doll form. Plus, he’s made Naina smile. Eight times!

Part 11 Part 13

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 11

2005-04-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

Disco music plays as we cut to a club with lots of pink lighting. The club appears to have a strict dress code requiring either skintight vinyl or swimwear. Bonus points for both! Aman, Sweetu, and Rohit do a shot, and Frankie asks them if they’re having fun. He invites Sweetu to hang out in the DJ cabin while Aman asks Rohit and Naina how they met. They say that they met at the park, where they were walking their doggies. When Aman points out that Naina doesn’t have a doggy, Rohit explains that Naina was walking his doggy, because he has two doggies and in fact sometimes looks like a doggy. It’s funny because it’s true. Naina finishes the convincing story by saying that then they met at a friend’s house. When Aman asks which friend, Rohit sees Gita and says, “Gita!” Rohit reminds Naina that it’s that Gita with the two filthy children, then says hi to Gita. Gita asks Rohit why he isn’t out with his family, and Rohit introduces Aman and Naina as his mummy and daddy while Aman stares at Gita’s boobs.

Aman asks Gita if she is the same Gita with the two filthy children, and Rohit spits out his drink. Gita yells at him for not telling her that he had a girlfriend. Rohit says that Naina isn’t his girlfriend, but Gita walks off angrily. Aman says he’s confused, and Naina tells him to shut up, because he knew all along that she and Rohit weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. She says that Aman was the one who told her to laugh, smile and say “Eee Hee Hee!” but Aman points out that he actually told her “Nnnnnnggggg! Nnnnnggggg!” Rohit tries it too, because it’s fun. Nnnnngggg!

Naina says that if living life means dancing, singing, and drinking, anyone can do it, but she doesn’t want to. Aman says that she can’t do it because she’s a bloody bore, and Rohit tells her that she is quite boring. The subtitles transcribe this as “You are a cute boy.” It must be one of those lift/elevator, batchmate/classmate type of things. Rohit and Aman turn away from Naina and talk about how hot Gita is. Naina looks pissed, pushes past them toward the bar, and does five shots in a row. Aman cheers her on as Rohit looks concerned. Naina starts screaming and runs out onto the dance floor. She grinds with a bald guy in a hot pink wifebeater then screams in his face. In Hindi, she tells a go-go dancer writhing on a pillar to get down. The dancer is confused, so Naina drags her down, stands on the pillar, then screams at Frankie to stop the music.

As a new beat kicks in, Naina takes off her glasses, squints for a moment, then pouts sexily. She unzips her jacket. Aman looks on eagerly, while Rohit covers his eyes. Naina rips off her jacket to reveal a sports bra-looking top. Rohit wants to stop her, but Aman points out that everyone else at the club is naked, too, and cheers her on. Naina jumps around, pointing at her back, then sings that hers is a crazy heart. She shakes some imaginary maracas and sways to the beat, because she has nothing to feel shy or hesitate about. As she dances and sings, she sings that they should dance. And sing. Because it’s the time to disco! Something something kisko!

Naina says that you never know who you’ll meet when it’s the time to disco. Hey, it’s Rohit! He points in different directions and sings that his is also a crazy heart. He drops to his knees and springs up again repeatedly, then flaps his arms like a bird as women chat in the foreground about the crazy flapping guy on the dance floor. He twirls his jacket over his head and throws it in the air, because it’s still the time to disco. Rohit and Naina do a little jig, then disco-point toward the ceiling. Everyone jumps up and down and points toward their backs, including Aman, who is still sitting at the bar. Rohit tells some hot chicks to go over and grind with Aman. The hot chicks fondle Aman in slow motion front of a wind machine while Naina looks on jealously.

Now Aman’s dancing! He does some chorus line kicks and sings about gyrating bodies. He reaches up to the ceiling because his heart’s being carried away in the storm, then thrusts out his crotch. I hope that doesn’t get carried away in the storm as well. Rohit is drowned in merriment, and does the Pulp Fiction finger triangle move. Naina skips around and shakes her imaginary maracas again, then joins Aman and Rohit in pointing to the ceiling and informing us that it’s the time to disco in case we hadn’t heard yet.

As the music slows down, Rohit, Naina, and Aman go to the back room of the club where all the drunken grinding occurs. Naina grinds drunkenly with the guy in the hot pink wifebeater, then starts grinding with Aman. She realizes she’s grinding with Aman, looks horrified, then goes to grind with Rohit. Two guys sing, “Woah Woah!”

Aman points to his ass and then marches in place; behind him, Rohit does a split next to a smoke machine. They sing about being young and drunk. Naina sings that this is the way to be. I totally wish I was drunk right now. Naina shimmies behind a woman who looks like she’s wearing men’s underwear. Rohit, Naina, and Aman do another jig and announce that it’s the time to disco. Rohit and Aman decide that they should inform Naina that it’s the time to disco. Naina dances on top of the bar and tells us again about her crazy heart. That’s the problem with getting drunk; you start repeating the same stuff over and over again. Plus sometimes there’s ill-advised anonymous sex. A vinyl-covered ass bumps another ass; I think it’s Aman’s. Aman sways to the beat with the hot chicks. Rohit looks at an ass that’s shaking about two inches from his face. Aman sways with the hot chicks some more, while Rohit swoons, because his brain has gone into ass overload. Guess what time is it, guys? I’m not going to tell you. Oh all right, it’s the time to disco! Naina does another shot. Then another. She shoves Aman and starts to tell him something, but falls over. Rohit concludes that she’s drunk, then falls over. Aman looks at them, then goes out to dance some more while the song winds down. Disco!

Part 10 Part 12

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 10

2005-04-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

Aman’s mother compliments the smile of someone named Priya and shows Aman a photo of himself and Sonali Bendre, who is decked out in some heavy-looking bridal finery. Aman asks where she found the wedding photo, and she says it was in the file sitting next to her. Is Aman’s mother a secret agent? What’s she doing with files? I think she’s going to assassinate Priya. She says that she heard that Aman is meeting with Priya today and asks if she should come along, but Aman says that he wants to speak to Priya in private. I guess Aman's mom will have to lurk behind a nearby bush with a sniper rifle. She asks if he’s scared, and Aman says that he isn’t, but crosses his fingers. He tells her that everything will be all right as the sad flute theme of impending tragedy swells.

On a ferry, Sweetu eats a donut while Naina tells her that nothing will be all right until she loses some weight. In fact, Sweetu's weight is actually responsible for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Across the deck Sweetu sees the goofy headphone guy from the train station, and she comments again on his cuteness as he whistles and moves his hands in a doggy-paddling motion. Suddenly Aman pops up behind Naina and introduces himself to Sweetu. He tells her that a guy who truly loves her won’t look at her weight, but will look deeply into her heart. Hopefully he won’t see any hardened arteries.

Aman commences a scheme to set up Sweetu and the goofy headphone guy that involves pretending that he is Sweetu’s boyfriend, calling the goofy headphone guy Ramdayal, and making jokes about the haircuts in Dil Chahta Hai. Ramdayal, whose name turns out to be Frankie, seems as confused by the scheme as I am, but invites Sweetu and Aman to Club Nirvana, where he will be DJ'ing for Retro Night. He tells them to bring their mummy, gesturing toward Naina, who is reading what appears to be the most boring book ever written, then he wanders off, presumably to go smoke a bowl in the ferry restroom.

When Naina disparages Aman’s nonsensical but effective matchmaking plan, Aman says that she’s just jealous that Sweetu has a boyfriend. Does Frankie know that Sweetu has a boyfriend? Naina says that she has a boyfriend, too – Rohit. She says that she told Aman he was just a friend because she doesn’t like to talk about her personal life with everyone. Sweetu is sad that Naina didn’t tell her about Rohit, but Aman tells Sweetu that they can go to the club without Naina. Naina says defiantly that she and Rohit will go too, because she’s down with the hip young people and their disco dancing.

Cut to a bookstore, where Rohit tells Naina that he can’t go, because Gita is coming over for dinner. He says that Gita really likes him, but Naina says that Gita is a stupid liar who just wants a father for her children. Seriously, what kind of selfish bitch wants her children to be raised in a stable two-parent household? As they order bagels, Rohit points out that Naina’s also a liar, but she says that she only lied because Aman is so irritating. She says she wants to show Aman that she can have a boyfriend who is handsome, cool and sexy, then asks how much the bagels cost. Rohit is busy ordering and asks her to repeat what she just said, but she thinks he’s talking about bagels, and confusion with the bagel vendor ensues. Naina totally steals a bagel without paying for it. She repeats what she said about Rohit being handsome, cool, and sexy, but offers no opinion as to whether he is CrazySexyCool. Naina says that he’s right that they shouldn’t pretend just for Aman, but Rohit, flattered, changes his mind and says that they should do the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. Whether he’s talking about the pretend boyfriend-girlfriend thing or the actual boyfriend-girlfriend thing remains ambiguous, but they agree to meet at Club Nirvana at 9. I wonder if it’s the sort of club where dancing and singing might occur, or if it’s more of a low-key, lounge-y type of place.

Part 9 Part 11

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 9

2005-04-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Two cabs stop in front of Naina’s house, and Rohit and some guy in a white tux with a ruffly shirt get out. They bump into each other, and Rohit calls the other guy a waiter, even though he shouldn't make fun of people's clothing while wearing a shirt with a lace-up collar that looks like it came from the Renaissance Fair. Unless he's actually at the Renaissance Fair. They tell each other that they are looking for numbers 29 and 27, then say something in unison that sounds like “Caboose!” but is maybe “Kapoors.”

At Naina’s house, Aman and Gia fence with their silverware. Gia watches sadly as Dadi fawns over Shiv, telling him that he looks like Rakesh Roshan. Next door, Jazz tries to zip up Sweetu’s dress and makes some fat joke that I don’t get about the “BEST Bus.” Maybe the BEST bus looks like Aishwarya Rai’s house? I guess I'll have to go to the bas staap to find out. The doorbell rings in both houses simultaneously. Naina says that it’s Rohit and stands up to get the door, but Dadi insists on answering it. Next door Jazz opens the door and says a flirty “Hel-lo!” to… Rohit, who has brought a bottle of wine and removed some wrist accessories. Meanwhile, Dadi answers the door and greets the guy in the white tux, who was expecting someone younger. Dadi explains that the date’s for her granddaughter, and the tux guy blows her a kiss and says “contribution.”

Jazz flirts with Rohit, then calls for Sweetu, which Rohit assumes is Naina’s nickname and therefore mocks. Next door, white tux guy introduces himself as Guru, and Dadi directs him to the dining room; meanwhile, Rohit wanders around Sweetu’s living room. Jazz returns, puts on some Let’s Have Sex music, and flirts with Rohit, who seems slightly frightened. Guru says that he lives in Jackson Heights and talks about his den in Mumbai, while Jazz sits on Rohit’s lap, compliments his long nose, and asks him what he does for a living. Next door Guru says that he is a video pirate, then extends his fist and says “Video piracy zindabad!” I wonder if that's the Hindi equivalent of “Avast, me video hearties!” Naina accuses him of theft, and Guru gets upset.

Next door, Jazz tries to make her move, but Rohit says that he has to go to the bathroom; coincidentally, Guru also has to go to the bathroom. Rohit throws water on his face and tells himself that everything will be ok, then turns around and bumps into Sweetu; they both scream. So does everyone in Naina’s house, because Guru has a gun. Aman seems excited that someone might get shot, but it turns out it’s just a gun-shaped lighter. Guru says that he’s bailing because Naina is thorny like a cactus. Rohit figures out that Sweetu is Sweetu and not Naina, and tries to leave, but Jazz grabs onto Rohit’s arm and won’t let go, so he reluctantly slaps her hand, which makes the noise of a slide whistle, and runs away. Guru and Rohit run into each other on the sidewalk and figure out what happened, then jump into a passing cab, saying that they will call Naina and Sweetu later.

Aman starts laughing at the mix-up, but Naina is not amused. Aman says that normal people find such situations funny, and Naina asks if he’s saying that she’s not normal. Aman says that if she’s normal, then he’s Sridevi, then does his Sridevi impersonation, which is quite nice. Naina points out that Aman is also not normal, what with the acting like he’s known them for years. Aman says that he’s known them for several lifetimes, then starts poking her. Naina, irritated, tells him to start acting like her neighbor, so Aman honks her nose, says “Ting tong!” and asks for a cup of milk. Naina laughs sarcastically and tells him to take his happy-go-lucky nature and bring it next door, because she isn’t interested. Aman shushes her, then makes a big speech about how she should value the life she has been given, because even though it might look shitty in her eyes, through someone else’s eyes it seems pretty good, and also, kal ho naa ho. Then he tells her that he will teach her how to smile in a simple three-part process. The process is to say “1,2,3, nnnnngggg!” and pretend to pull at the corners of your mouth with a piece of string on 3. Try it, it's fun. He repeats it several times, moving closer and closer into her personal space, until she slaps him away. Then he tells her to keep practicing, says that he’s very sexy, growls, says that Naina’s not his type, and tells her again to practice. Naina runs away.

Naina brushes her teeth in front of the bathroom mirror, as Voiceover Naina says that all night she wondered whether Aman was right. Naina takes the toothbrush out of her mouth and goes “1,2,3, nnnnnnggggg!” at the mirror, but without the sound effects and hand gestures. Cut to Rohit, lying on his bed, who says that of course Naina smiles, like that time when, uhh… Dadi says that Naina will smile at her wedding. Rohit sits in a bathtub next to some grooming products and says, "uhh… " Naina’s mother says that when she was with her father, she smiled. Rohit gets into a cab and says, "uhh…" Guru says that when his big brother threatens her, she will smile. Rohit eats Chinese food, and can’t say "uhh," because his mouth is full.

Part 8 Part 10

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 8

2005-04-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

Aman is still carrying Gia, who Naina angrily calls over to the house. Aman walks over with Gia and apologizes for the spontaneous dance routine, then introduces himself. As he looks at Naina, he says that he didn’t know that his neighbors were so beautiful. Naina looks indignant, but Aman says that he was talking about Jennifer. Then he tells Jennifer that she’s very very very beautiful. OK, maybe very beautiful, but very very very beautiful? Aman says that he wants to marry Gia, insults Naina, then invites himself over for dinner at 8. Then he insults Naina again and leaves.

Naina and Dadi ask Jennifer why she invited Aman over for dinner, and she says that he invited himself. Kammo, Vimmo, and Lajjo (hereafter known as the 3 Amigos) enter, as Kammo explains that boys come over from India and take girls for a ride for a green card. Lajjo looks concerned, but Jazz tells her that it’s no big deal. I actually know some people who had a sham marriage so one of them could get a green card. Unless you’re from the INS, in which case I don’t know anyone like that. Naina says that she’s inviting Rohit and Sweetu for dinner as well. The 3 Amigos inquire as to Rohit’s marital status, and Naina says that he’s a boy, he’s single, and he’s Gujarati. The 3 Amigos are displeased, I assume because of the third thing. Naina tells them to relax, and she says he’s just a friend. But baby, he got what you need. Naina says he’s a close friend, like Sweetu, who is right behind them, wearing curlers, a mask, and a gigantic feather boa. Sweetu explains that she’s going on a blind date, which is not in fact a date with a blind boy, as Vimmo had incorrectly assumed, but a date where the boy and the girl have never seen each other. Jazz says that when the guy sees her, he will go blind from the shock, because Sweetu is a horrifying and ghastly sight. OK, she doesn’t say the last part, but really, how else are you supposed to interpret that? Sweetu says “Bye all,” and Jazz replies, “Bye ball!” I’m not sure if that’s a “Sweetu is fat” joke, a cheesy sexual innuendo joke, or a goofy Indian rhyming joke; these jokes all just have so many layers. I tend to prefer jokes that work on just one level, rather than sucking on three different levels.

Naina calls up Rohit, who is wearing 5 watches. Wait, let me rewind that. OK, I paused it, and I think it’s a beaded bracelet, a leather wristband, and a watch. He’s definitely all about the wrist accessorizing. He says he’s at Gita’s apartment in Soho, where she lives with two other girls. Naina comments that he’s found a bonus. Naughty! Then Gita walks into the split-screen with the two other girls, who are…crying babies! They scream cutely and run away from Rohit, who is distracted as Naina invites him over for dinner at 8.

Cut to a woman on a tiny set who is on the phone, asking “8 p.m.?” She explains that that’s short notice for Kunwari Kudi. The woman has two binders, one for women below 45, and one for women above 45, because apparently sometimes women over 45 want love and companionship. Who knew? Lajjo tells her that she wants a Sardar. The Sardar data entry guy asks if he should go, but the Kunwari Kudi woman tells him to shut up.

Aman opens the door and asks Naina where she’s been. Naina carries some groceries in as Aman calls “Jenny” to tell her that Naina’s home, and then makes himself at home in the kitchen. Aman helps Jenny with the cooking, and they tell each other that they are also very sweet, as Naina walks in. Aman tells her that Rohit called to say that he would be a bit late, and asks whether Rohit’s her boyfriend. She says he’s just a friend and tells her mother that she would like to talk to her privately. Aman tells Gia to leave, then butts in on the conversation. Naina drags Jennifer to another room, where they run into Chadda and Aman’s mother, who seems to be reading a coloring book. They say hello, then Naina drags Jennifer into the hallway, where Shiv shows off the new Knicks shirt he got from Aman.

Naina runs into Aman, who shoves some food in her mouth and asks if it needs something. She says it needs salt, and he tells her that she has the same problem. She’s not salty enough? Do you have to be high to understand these jokes? Oh wait, that can’t be the problem. Aman walks across the room to go snoop through the restaurant accounts, and asks Naina how they can be so bad. As Naina takes the book away, saying it’s her private affair, Aman’s mother comes in to apologize and tell her that Aman’s crazy. Dadi tells her that she should have smacked him when he was a kid, then they all say a bunch of stuff that rhymes with “ji” and sit down for dinner.
Part 7 Part 9

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 7

2005-04-11T23:33:00.000-07:00

Guitar solo! People breakdance in front of the giant American flag. One of them has a hula hoop. Brrrrrruuuuaah! Jazz finishes dance-watering the bushes and goes out to flirt with Aman, who has raised the hood on his sweatshirt so that he can gesticulate wildly and perform some bad rap:

Yo Pretty Woman
Listen Up Girl When U Feel This Way
Don't U See The Sunshine
Coming Out Today
You Got To Feel It Right Just Like Day After Night
Don’t Let The Sunshine
Out Of Your Sight
Cause I Can Feel You
Can You Feel It
When I Say That
I Can Feel You Here
Can U Feel Me
When I Say That

“I’m CRAZY about you, Pretty Woman!” Chadda tells Lajjo, looking crazed. Lajjo is not sure how to respond. Aman sings that he is amazed by a sight that is the color of gold and the color of crystal. Huh? Is it a chandelier? He, Gia, and Shiv sit on the hood of a moving car as bubbles float by. Then Aman hops off to go do the running man in front of Naina, who pretends that none of this is happening. Aman kisses his mother, then dances with some children, teaching them how to lasso things. Like pretty women, I guess. Group hug! Everyone seems happy except for Naina and Lajjo. A blond guy in a camouflage SPAM shirt starts dry-humping Lajjo, who looks horrified. Seriously, who wears SPAM shirts anymore? Aman rolls his eyes at Wacky SPAM Guy.

Hey, the gospel choir’s here! They sing, “Woah oh oh oh!” and dance down the street in front of the American flag. Oh yeah, we’re in America! I forgot for a second. Aman runs over to march and sing with the gospel choir as people cartwheel across the street in front of them. Aman and the gospel choir wear sunglasses. Then Aman dances some more in the convertible. Naina looks pissed. Everyone punches the air and then lassoes it so they can bring it back to the air ranch. Chadda screams something in Hindi that means, “Go for it!”

Aman carries Gia and sings that the pretty woman's eyes hold an intoxication and that she has several other nice traits that he’s never seen before. Then he dances slowly in front of a crowd as bubbles float by and a giant graffiti banner walks past. The beat kicks in, and the crowd starts jumping in unison as Aman shakes his hips. A guy spins by and stops in front of Aman. They exchange a look. I think they like each other. “Pretty Woman! Look!” they say. Naina angrily pushes her glasses up again, and Jennifer stifles laughter. I know that one day, if I have a daughter, and some random goofball shows up in front of our house with some extras and performs a spontaneous dance routine for her, I will totally be cracking up at her expense.

Aman jumps onto the hood of a moving cab. A Sikh taxi driver gets out, looking pissed that the street is being blocked off by basketball players, a bhangra group, a gospel choir, and Wacky SPAM Guy and his friends. But then he hears the crazy bhangra beat, and starts dancing! Lajjo faints. Sweetu and Jazz fight over a guy in a trucker hat wearing a sweater vest without a shirt. Naina rolls her eyes some more, and Kammo and Vimmo carry Lajjo into the house for some medical attention. End of song. The crowd cheers!

Part 6 Part 8

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 6

2005-04-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, winter becomes summer. No one knows why. Children in brightly-colored clothing play hopscotch in the street as the bhangra group rehearses nearby. The people in this movie really seem to have very little concern for the possibility of being run over by oncoming traffic. Shiv sits on the stoop and heckles the basketball players until one of them calls him a little shit. Gia feeds her doll, which has an enormous head. Shah Rukh Khan sits down between them and says hello. He explains that he is their neighbor, then they insult each others’ relatives. They hear Lajjo and her friends’ horrible singing from upstairs, so Shah Rukh Khan starts yelling, interrupting the song. He calls Dadi Jennifer Lopez, perhaps because she has a fantastic ass, then he tells them to stop singing, because they are torturing Saraswati and causing the basketball players to lose their belief in music. Kammo or Vimmo (I have no idea which is which) asks who he is, and he introduces himself as Aman Mathur, Chadda-ji’s nephew.

Chadda-ji shows up to apologize for Aman, and Aman makes up a song about Chadda and Lajjo’s prem kahani, waow-waow-waow, waow-waow-waow, waow-waow-waow. It’s almost as good as the Kunwari Kudi theme song. Aman tells Chadda that Dadi is quite sexy, as Chadda nods. Lajjo yells at Chadda, so he hides behind Aman, because Lajjo will never find him there. Naina sticks her head out a nearby window to ask what’s up with all the noise so early in the morning. According to her shirt, Naina is a “Sporty Girl.” Aman gawks at Naina, whose expression indicates that she wants to know what the hell Aman is gawking at. Aman gestures for her to remove her glasses, but she pushes them up further and walks off in a huff. He continues gawking as Lajjo and her friends complain that he has come to their locality and stopped them from singing.

A singing voice is heard through the window. Apparently, the voice saw someone moments ago. Cut to Aman, who sings, “Who is that stranger?” as Naina hides behind her portable MBA desk reference. As a gigantic American flag rises up to fill the screen, Aman wonders what he may say to the stranger. Hit it! Chadda starts playing the dhol as Naina comes outside to figure out what the fuck is going on. Jazz and Sweetu dance and water their hedge. The friend that I’m just going to start calling Vimmo has a random streamer draped over her head and seems a bit disoriented. Aman continues to wonder about the stranger that he saw moments ago, and whether she is a bud or a ray. He sings, “Pretty Woman!” and everyone yells “Hey!” because the song suddenly seems familiar to them.

Aman does a dance that resembles the Macarena as he sings, “Pretty Woman! Look!” Then he plays some air guitar. Lajjo seems frightened, Vimmo continues to look confused, and Naina wears the skeptical expression of someone who can’t quite believe that a random dude in orange parachute pants has orchestrated an elaborate, quasi-patriotic dance routine on her front porch to a Hindi version of a Roy Orbison song.

Kammo and Vimmo start nodding their heads to the crazy bhangra beat while Aman shrugs his shoulders and throws imaginary stuff in the air. Naina scowls, and her mom nudges her playfully. In the backseat of a convertible, Aman and some women with well-defined abs dance and twirl those ribbons on sticks that rhythmic gymnasts use. Two little girls play under a sprinkler. One of them is shivering, so I guess the water is kind of cold.

Part 5 Part 7

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 5

2005-04-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

Cut to a classroom, which a title informs us is the location of a University of New York Evening MBA Session. Rohit and Naina insult each other in a playful fashion, then Rohit notices a girl standing in front of a wind machine. The “Hey girl!” incidental music returns, but without the “Any girl will do!” chorus, because apparently Rohit has developed a minimal set of standards. Naina says that this is a new student named Gita Pardekhar, and tells Rohit to leave her alone, because she is a divorced hussy. Rohit asks Gita to sit in his heart, or at least behind him. She reaches the seat at the same time as an older woman, and Gita motions for the older woman to take the seat. That’s totally what I would do if some random guy asked me to sit in his heart. Well, maybe not if he looked like Saif Ali Khan. Rohit steals Naina’s pen and writes “Dinner at 9?” on a fluorescent orange post-it and passes it behind him without looking. The older woman looks flattered, writes a note back, and Rohit looks at it, smiles, and gives the thumbs up. Then he turns around and realizes he gave the note to a 50 year old woman instead of Gita. He looks worried as Naina smiles and returns the thumbs up.

Rohit pulls out a small black book, steals Naina’s pen and starts writing in it, as Naina voiceovers that she didn’t like him at all when she first met him, but that today, he’s a very close friend. She says that basically he’s a nice guy, and she knows this because he didn’t cancel his date with the old lady. Cut to Rohit and the woman at a restaurant, toasting wine glasses. The woman chugs her wine all in one go, and Rohit stares for a moment in disbelief, then orders another glass for her, because if it’s not going to work out, they may as well get hammered. Naina voiceovers that when she sees Rohit, she forgets about all her household problems.

Like Gia getting bitchslapped by her grandmother. Dadi helps Shiv up from a fall as she admonishes Gia that he could have gotten hurt. Then she turns back to Gia to yell at her and shake her some more. Jennifer walks in and tells Dadi that Gia’s just a child, and that it is Dadi’s duty to forgive her, not to hit her. Dadi says that she can’t even forgive Jennifer, and Jennifer asks what she needs to be forgiven for. Dadi says that it’s because of Jennifer that her son -- suddenly Naina walks in the door, covered in fake snow, and tells Dadi that that’s enough. Actually she says “Bus!” (According to this random website of Hindi phrases that I just found, the Hindi term for “bus stop” is “bas staap.” Just in case you were wondering.)

Naina voiceovers that there is a fact that her family never talks about that was mentioned today, the fact that her father committed suicide. Actually, no one mentioned it until Naina brought it up, but I’m glad she told us; it’s not good to keep those sorts of things bottled up. Dadi tells Jennifer that the truth is always bitter, but Jennifer says that no one knows the truth. Did Scully and Mulder ever find out the truth, or did they just end up being really confused at the end like I was?

Upstairs, Gia, Shiv, and Jennifer huddle on the bed and cry. Gia sobs that Dadi hates her, and Jennifer tells her that Dadi doesn’t hate her. Shiv helpfully points out that Dadi actually hates Jennifer. Ha! I love Shiv. Jennifer tells him not to say that, and says that everything will be ok. Shiv asks when everything will be ok, and Jennifer tells them that when she was a girl, her mother told her that Jesus sends his angel to all of us to wipe our tears. But what about if we’re crying over stupid shit? Like when I was 13, I really wanted this stereo with a CD player, and my parents wouldn’t buy it for me, and I had this big sobbing hissyfit in the food court, and then when I got home, it turned out they had already bought one and had wanted to surprise me with it for my birthday. God, I was an asshole. I hope Jesus doesn’t have to waste his time with shit like that. Anyway, Jennifer talks some more about how the angel will bring them happiness and take away their sorrows, and Gia asks when their angel will come.

Violins! It’s some guy, on a boat. He’s facing away from the camera. Jennifer tells Gia and Shiv to pray for an angel. Hey, it’s that guy again! Now he’s adjusting his scarf! And fixing his hair! Naina walks in and starts praying, too. Now that guy’s at the train station with an older woman. He walks down some stairs at the station, as we cut to a shot of the family praying from outside their window. That guy bumps into Naina, spilling coffee all over her. He turns around. It’s Shah Rukh Khan! He’s getting some napkins! He overhears Naina talking all crazy about how Sweetu’s man is going to leave her, and thinks, “Dude, woman’s got abandonment issues.” Sweetu says that she’s going to re-marry, and he laughs as Sweetu shoots him a look. Hey, it’s the sassy look from before, but from a different, more informative angle!

As she prays, Naina asks God to bring some light to these dark times. A light appears on the balcony across the street. Is God going to have a smoke on the balcony? No, it’s Shah Rukh Khan again. He plays with the fake snow and fixes his hair again, then looks across the street at the family praying through the window. He smiles to himself.

Part 4 Part 6

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 4

2005-04-05T23:36:00.000-07:00

Shot of a bridge at twilight, then a cut to Naina, waiting under a red umbrella by the Wall Street bull statue and bitching about the rain. Saif Ali Khan comes running up and jumps over a fence, but freezes mid-jump, as Naina realizes that she forgot to do the Saif Ali Khan voiceover. We rewind to show him running backwards and into an elevator, then back to an office. The video plays forward again as he talks on the phone, and Naina voiceovers that this is Rohit Patel, son of Karsanbhai and Sarlabhen Patel, who are among the richest Gujaratis in America, and whose food chain Dial-a-Dhokla is quite popular in America. They should expand into theme restaurants with random Indian junk nailed to the walls and servers who wear buttons that say stuff like, “We’re not in Gujarat any more!” That would be popular, and awesome. Rohit lives alone in New York, and has made no progress in the advertising world for the last three years. He has a pretty nice corner office for someone who sucks at advertising. As Rohit leaves the office, he tells someone to have fun in the Hamptons, then tries to ask out the receptionist Julia, but some guy with an Eastern European accent beats him to it.

Naina voiceovers that Rohit isn’t as cool as he thinks he is, but that he never stops trying. An elevator opens to reveal a dark-haired woman on a cell phone who looks like Stacy from What Not to Wear. The incidental music sings, “Hey girl! Any girl will do!” signaling that a lifelong romance is about to blossom. Rohit edges past a tall black man standing near the front of the elevator and nods at the woman. He says “Hey gorgeous,” then hits on her in Hindi because he has Hindi-Speaking Person Telepathy. She responds in Hindi that she is married, in a voice that suggests that she learned her lines phonetically. Rohit says so what, and she says she’s married to the other guy in the elevator. They make kind of an odd couple, what with the standing stiffly several feet away from each other and not making eye contact through this whole conversation, but I shouldn’t judge their relationship. The elevator doors open to reveal the guy holding Rohit up by the neck as his wife screams, “Put him down, Lou! Put him down!” So does Lou speak Hindi as well? Rohit adjust his tie, remembers that he’s late, and runs out of S.B.Y. Advertising Agency. As Rohit jumps over the fence again and walks up to Naina, she voiceovers that she’s taken M.B.A. classes with him for the last year.

Naina asks Rohit if he got hit again, so apparently this whole macking on people in the elevator in front of their significant others and then getting beaten up thing happens to him a lot. They talk about what they did that weekend. Naina went to Paris and London, but only sarcastically, and Rohit’s weekend was rocking. He and Laila were in the same room, in the same bed, all weekend long. Naina looks disgusted as Rohit pumps his fist in a manner indicating the occurrence of sexual intercourse. Cut to Rohit’s apartment, where two nearly empty glasses of wine sit on a coffee table next to a copy of FHM with Tara Reid on the cover. I wonder what a movie starring Saif Ali Khan and Tara Reid would be like. I’m thinking it would be a train wreck of fabulousness. The camera pans up to a pair of feet sticking out from under a sheet as Rohit laughs, “No, no, Laila, stop it. Stop it, Laila.” It pans further up to Rohit’s face, which is being licked by his dog, Laila. Wait, so why does Rohit want Naina to think that he and the dog are having sex?

Part 3 Part 5

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 3

2005-04-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

As they walk through Grand Central Station, Naina hands Sweetu the letter that got mixed in with her mail, and Sweetu explains that it’s an application for a dating service. Naina asks Sweetu what she has written about herself, and she starts to say that she wrote that from far away, she looks like Aishwarya Rai, but Naina interrupts and says that up close, she looks like Aishwarya Rai’s house. Did she see Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam? That house is pretty sweet, except for the whole having to wander for days through the desert just to get to the damn place.

Someone bumps into Naina, causing her to spill coffee all over herself. Sweetu starts to help her clean it up, but then gets distracted by a goofy-looking guy who is rapping along with his discman. “Just look at me, I’m out of control,” he raps, as he points to himself. Sweetu seems enthralled by the way he’s standing around in the middle of the train station, swaying back and forth like this panhandler that used to hang out in Harvard Square and sing along to “Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” on his radio.

Naina’s annoyed that Sweetu’s not paying any attention to her, and tells her to shut up. She says that Sweetu’s only interested in boys, and that one day, she’ll get the boy that she wants, they’ll get married and have kids, and then he’ll leave her and go away, and then what will Sweetu do? Sweetu says that she’ll just get married again, then glances sassily at the camera. She says that what her didi says is right, then touches Naina’s cheek and says, “Babes, you need help.” Naina looks exasperated.

Cut to Lillette Dubey, who is peeking through some blinds at a Chinese restaurant across the street. She mutters some bleeped out swear words about the bastards taking all their business. Naina voiceovers that this is Jazz, full name Jaswinder Kapoor, Sweetu’s sister and unfortunately Jennifer’s best friend and business partner. Apparently her problems are the youth that she clings desperately to and the age that she refuses to accept. Aren’t those the same problem? Three attractive construction workers walk into the restaurant, so Jazz adjusts her boobs in her corset-y looking top and goes out to bring them some coffee in a flirtatious manner, pretending to burn herself with the hott, hott coffee and whatnot. They mock her because she is a single woman who has passed marriageable age, calling her “Mummy.” I’m not sure if they’re referring to her as their mother, or as a preserved Egyptian corpse. I guess either way, the joke is that she’s an old hag, so it works on a number of different levels. She throws them out of the diner, calling them some more bleeped out swear words. You know what’s nice about the internet? No bleeping. Shit! Fuck!

Later, Jazz apologizes to Jennifer as Naina and Sweetu look on, Sweetu wearing an ugly-ass skirt that looks like it’s made of patriotic bunting. Jennifer is frustrated and recaps the loan situation for everyone, then says, “Goff!” in frustration as Naina gives her a hug.

Part 2 Part 4

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 2

2005-04-03T17:14:00.000-07:00

Lajjo tells her Saraswati statue that she and her friends Kammo and Vimmo are going to present a song, requested by their neighbor, Chaddha-ji. She mentions that he lives in Queens, just in case Saraswati wants to contact him later. In a shrill voice they sing a song instructing someone named Pritam to come hither, so loudly and poorly that all the basketball players, gospel singers, and bhangra groups in the surrounding neighborhood have to cover their ears. Naina interrupts the singing, yelling for her grandmother to stop. She wants to know what all this Kunwari Kudi business is about, showing her grandmother three pictures, each of a bearded man wearing a turban. Her grandmother says that all 3 are handsome; Naina says she thought they were all pictures of the same guy. Her grandmother says no, it’s three guys, and admires them again. Then she sings the Kunwari Kudi theme song, which is a pretty catchy number about choosing your groom, one, two, or three, hey ow-ow, hey ow-ow, hey ow-ow! Naina says she doesn’t want to marry one, two, or three, but her grandmother wants to know how she will have children. Naina explains that she can still have children without getting married, but not in a lot of detail, because that would just be weird. Her grandmother agrees, then looks startled.

Cut to a TV, showing a basketball game. A kid in pyjamas shouts in a manner that indicates that he is emotionally invested in the outcome. Naina voiceovers that this is her brother, Shiv, a handicap. Not that she lets that define him, or anything. A younger girl in a nightgown, Gia, plays with her dollhouse, showing Naina her doll family. She points out her mother, dressed in blue, Naina, who is a redhead with a bob haircut, Shiv, who is also a redhead, herself, a blonde, and…she points to a doll in a gray salwar kameez and a shawl…Dadi walks in the door and immediately starts fussing over Shiv. When Gia says good morning to her, Dadi blows her off and asks Shiv about his schedule for the day. Gia looks sad as Naina voiceovers that Dadi hates Gia because she’s adopted. Well, that sounds like a perfectly good reason to hate someone that will remain unchanged throughout the rest of the movie. Naina says that Gia always keeps the Dadi doll away from her perfect family, as Gia moves the doll with the salwar kameez from the living room of the dollhouse to an adjacent pink bedroom.

Naina explains that Jesus and Guru Nanak are also doing battle in the house, as we cut from a picture of Guru Nanak to a picture of Jesus across the hallway from it. What would have been cool is if they had shown Jesus and Guru Nanak actually having a swordfight in the hallway or something.

Kitchen table. Shiv puts some coins on the table and tells Naina to bet. Naina tells Shiv not to irritate her, and Shiv calls her a chicken and says it’s just one dollar. The subtitles translate this to “Chicken is just one dollar.” Dadi complains about the cereal they’re eating for breakfast and reminisces about garam garam aloo parathas from Chandigarh. Jennifer tells her that she should go to Chandigarh if she misses it so much, and then they start arguing about who loves the children more and what life would be like if Naina’s father were still alive. Naina tells them to stop fighting, then gives Shiv a dollar, because he’s won the bet, as usual. Maybe Naina should asks for odds.

As Naina leaves the house, she voiceovers that her mornings always begin with a fight between her mother and grandmother, followed by her storming out angrily. As she walks into a Starbucks, Voiceover Naina explains that every morning she then has to listen to her stupid idiotic neighbor Sweetu’s stupid idiotic chatter. Naina voiceovers that Sweetu’s full name is Jasprit Kapoor, and that she is unfortunately Naina’s best friend, as Sweetu orders two glazed donuts and two blueberry muffins for herself because according to the movie she’s a giant disgusting blob of lard-ass. Naina says that Sweetu’s two problems are the weight that she never loses and the fact that she doesn’t care. I think that Sweetu’s main problem is the fact that her best friend is a judgmental bitch.
Part 1 Part 3

Kal Ho Naa Ho, Part 1

2005-04-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Certificate. A message tells us that any resemblance this movie has to actual events is coincidental. I’ll have to keep that in mind in case anything realistic happens. Production credits. Fade to black. All is silent except for a solemn heartbeat. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Now for some jazzy French horn music! It’s the Statue of Liberty. Hey, this isn’t India! What’s going on? Helicopter shots of tall buildings and a large, rectangular park. Preity Zinta’s disembodied voice tells us that it’s New York, one of the biggest cities in the world. Thanks, Preity! She says that in New York everyone is in a hurry, as indicated by the speeded-up video of crowds walking fast along busy streets. Preity explains that New York has no time for slow people, and that the city is infested with Indians. She probably could have found a nicer way to say that, but OK. In fact, every fourth face in New York is Indian, she says, as the faces of Indian people light up in color among the black and white crowd. One in four sounds a bit high, but I’m too lazy to do research, so we’ll just leave it at that.

As the camera zooms in on a jogging woman’s backside, Preity says “Oh, by the way, that’s me.” A catchy beat kicks in, and Preity’s back jogs through a crowd, past a restaurant, a market, and along the center lane divider of a bridge. Preity should watch out, because New York has no time for pedestrians who jog in the middle of busy four-lane highways. She runs through Central Park, then to a bridge, where she pauses. She sits down on a bench with her back to the camera, as Voiceover Preity says that this city taught her to fulfill her responsibilities and to face life, but that it couldn’t teach her how to love. If New York can’t teach her how to love, maybe she can receive tuitions from somewhere else. My relatives are all about the tuitions; I bet they could hook her up. Anyway, Preity says that in New York there’s no time for love, and that when she watches the city from afar, she feels her Papa is closer. Her imaginary Papa and Child Actress Preity frolic along the bridge as Jogging Preity watches. Jogging Preity turns around to reveal her face in profile. She removes her glasses and blots some invisible tears from her eyes with her fingertips. As she gazes off into the middle distance, she tells us that her name is Naina Catherine Kapur, and this is her story.

Jaya Bachchan is on the phone in a yellow-wallpapered dining room. She expositions to Mr. Shah on the phone that she must have the loan extension, please, because even though the restaurant is centrally situated, there is competition. Voiceover Naina tells us that this is her mother, Jennifer, and that since Naina’s father passed away, all the responsibility for the family fell on her, but that Jennifer never let them feel this burden. Well, then how does Naina know that she’s a burden? As Naina walks in, her mother says “Thank you,” and hangs up the phone. Jennifer wipes away her invisible tears with her fingertips in the same way that Naina does and asks Naina where she’s been. She says that she’s been at Central Park, meeting someone. Naina’s mom asks who, and Naina says sarcastically that she was meeting her boyfriend. Her mother says, “Tah!” and taps her on the arm.

Naina looks through the mail, which is mostly bills, then finds a letter marked “Private and Confidential.” Jennifer says that it’s hers, and takes it from Naina. Naina says that they’ve gotten Sweetu’s mail again, and that she can’t understand why the mailman can’t figure out that they’re the Kapurs with a U, and their neighbors are the Kapoors with an O. She notices an envelope from a marriage bureau called Kunwari Kudi and angrily asks her mother what it is. Naina says that she doesn’t want to get married, and asks why Dadi won’t just leave her alone. Her mother asks why Dadi won’t just leave. Naina taps her on the arm. She doesn’t say “Tah!” though. They wonder where Dadi is, then some basketball players, a gospel choir and a bhangra group shout out a ten second countdown to………an elderly woman! Naina’s grandmother Lajjo. Naina says that all her grandmother wants in life is for New York to become part of Punjab, for Naina to marry a Sardar, and for Naina’s mother to die. Sounds like a lovely woman.
Part 2

Main Hoon Na, Part 19

2005-03-31T22:02:00.000-08:00

The former prisoners cross the border as onlookers cheer. Ram pulls himself up to his feet using Raghavan, who has a grenade attached to his jacket. Raghavan points his gun at Ram and says, “Sorry, Major.” Ram flashes back in slow motion to the shot that killed his father. His face turns angry, and he pushes Raghavan away. A helicopter approaches in the background, but it’s probably not important. Ram walks away from Raghavan, who tells him to turn around so he can shoot him properly. The helicopter hovers closer and Lucky hangs out the side. He yells at Ram to get away from the goddamn roof. Raghavan yells at Ram to turn around and take his bullet in the chest like his father. Which path will Ram choose? Ram turns around and asks Raghavan if he’s forgotten that it’s always the bad guy who dies at the end, and holds up the key from the hand grenade. Ooh, burn. Raghavan looks down at the live grenade. Ram counts down. 3…he drops the key on the roof…2…nothing happens between 2 and 1…1…Ram runs toward the helicopter and Raghavan closes his eyes. The roof starts exploding as Ram runs along it toward the helicopter. He jumps toward the helicopter and grabs Lucky’s arms.

The released prisoners wave and hug their relatives. As the helicopter hovers, Lucky tells Ram to hang on and not to be scared, because main hoon na. Ram tells him to shut up and give him a hand. Ram and Lucky scream happily, while at the India-Pakistan border, people hug. The helicopter flies off into the sunset. Put on your UV-protective sunglasses, guys!

Ram and Lucky scatter their father’s ashes into the river as their mother watches. Cut to the gymnasium, where students in gowns and mortarboards cheer. The principal welcomes them to Prom Night, Mrs. Kakkad tells him it’s Congratulations Day, then the principal welcomes them all to Convocation Day. He says that Lakshman Prasad Sharma is finally graduating, along with Major Ram Sharma. Lucky and Ram stand; Lucky doesn’t seem to be wearing anything under his robe, while Ram wears a white shirt, but has his gown unbuttoned to the navel like it’s a polyester clubbing shirt and he’s Akshay Kumar. They run up to the stage to accept their diplomas and do the Karate Kid crane move as everyone gives them a standing ovation. Everyone throws their hats in the air, because apparently no one else is receiving diplomas in the shortest graduation ceremony ever.

Song! Shah Rukh Khan swoops by on a Ferris wheel. Wheeee! That’s the song that the air is singing. Two people walk by with a banner, indicating that the singing man before us is indeed Shah Rukh Khan. He exposes his midriff. Someone reads a newspaper with a front page article and photo about Suniel Shetty. Is it Suniel Shetty? We may never know. Sushmita Sen sings that every moment is liberal and holds up the notebook that she has helpfully labeled “Sushmita Sen” with glitter pen. In the background the twins play air guitar in front of a Lay’s stand. Aw, Lays potato chips, I’m gonna miss you guys! Amrita Rao carries some heart-shaped Amrita Rao balloons. I wonder if she got them from that guy in Dil Chahta Hai. Zayed Khan skips over to some cheerleaders and shakes his imaginary pom-poms. Kirron Kher throws a ball at some Pepsi cans. Mrs. Kakkad is played by Bindu, or has stolen Bindu's umbrella. Zayed Khan wears a diving mask as Shah Rukh Khan taunts Satish Shah with a squirt gun. I wonder if he filled it with spit. Boman Irani rides the merry-go-round, wearing a Boman Irani tie, which unfortunately doesn’t have a cartoon of Boman Irani on it. Farah Khan reads a story written by Farah Khan, then tells everyone to go away.

OK, I’m going to start skipping people here. Anu Malik wears a beanie. Isn’t Farah Khan married to the editor, Shirish Kunder? Homeboy might want to rethink the mullet. Nice job dressing Shah Rukh Khan, Karan Johar, but bad choice on the white shirt with the back sweat. Hey, it’s Not Kal Penn on the Ferris Wheel! His name is Kunal Kumar, and every moment is liberal again. Percy wears a shirt that says “Stud” as he sings about the oasis of true love and gives Mini a hug. The woman who can swing her braids in opposite directions is named Geeta. “Thrills” are provided by Shah Rukh Khan. I’m not sure I want to know what that means.

Everyone jump on the trampoline! Now say hi to the spot department! Some more people dance and hold up an illegible sign. I hope they weren’t too disappointed when they saw the credits. Next time don’t use gold lettering on light blue poster board, guys. Hair and make-up is totally phoning it in. Come on, hair and make-up, shake it like the illegible sign department! The producer holds up a big check, looking anxious about his investment, then Shah Rukh Khan runs away with the check. One last shimmy with the group, and…cut!
Part 18 Home

Main Hoon Na, Part 18

2005-03-31T21:44:00.000-08:00

Raghavan, Khan, and a few other men enter the gymnasium. Dodgeball time! Raghavan tells the others to go outside and look for Ram. When he and Khan are alone, Raghavan shoves him against a wall and asks him why he deceived him. Khan says that Raghavan is the one who deceived his men, and tells him that it’s not a personal war, dammit. Raghavan says that it’s always a personal war, then shoots Khan in the head. For personal reasons.

Cut to Indian and Pakistani flags flying over the border on a sunny day. Soldiers wait along either side of a fenced-in zone.

Back to the gymnasium. A guard tells Raghavan that he saw everyone escape while he was fixing explosives to the roof. I wonder if those could be important later. Raghavan tells him to go find Ram. College students run through the courtyard. Raghavan yells for Ram to come out, then throws a grenade in an arbitrary direction. Lucky sees the explosion through a window and wants to go back. Sanju screams for him not to go, but Lucky says that Ram’s his brother, and runs off.

Raghavan stands on a long, narrow scaffolding gangplank, shouting for Ram. Suddently lights go on all around him, and Ram appears on a nearby balcony. He tells Raghavan that sunrise is here, and Project Milaap is about to happen. The army will be here in 5 minutes to arrest Raghavan. Raghavan points his gun at Ram, but before he shoots him, they will exchange some more dialogue. Raghavan says that he could ship Ram off to meet his father right now, but he puts away his gun and says, why not wait a few minutes?

Flash back to the border. Prisoners step off of a bus adorned with a Project Milaap banner and walk toward the border, where relatives wait on the opposite side.

Back to the scaffolding runway, where Raghavan and Ram stand on opposite ends. Raghavan cracks every joint in his hands and neck. Ram flexes his bicep. They approach each other in the center of the gangplank, presumably to begin a reasoned political dialogue. Oh, my mistake, they’re going to beat the crap out of each other. They block each other’s punches. Ram tries to sweep the leg, but Raghavan jumps over him. Try the crane move! With the woop woop noises! Ram almost falls, but grabs two nearby poles. He punches Raghavan in the chest, then swings and misses. Raghavan punches Ram, who falls to his knees, but then levitates and kicks Raghavan in the face. Raghavan cracks his neck joints again, then kicks Ram into some nearby flimsy wood, which flies apart. Then he cracks his neck again and beats Ram up some more. Go for the creaky neck, Ram!

Two army men open up the border gates, which are locked with a single rusty padlock. Lucky runs along a road toward a helicopter, telling the captain to hurry up. Ram and Raghavan fight some more. Ram punches Raghavan and looks like he’s about to rip out his heart, but actually he only catches his fist between Raghavan’s shoulder and his bad neck. They do some backflippy-type moves. Neck crack! The music gets faster, and Ram does a bicycle kick on Raghavan’s chin. Two doves show up, perhaps the doves of This Fight Being Almost Over. Raghavan kicks Ram, who spins around in the air as the doves fly around him.

Gen. Bakshi and a Pakistani general, Mohammed Ibrahim, meet in the middle of the two fences and shake hands, congratulating each other on Project Milaap. Ram and Raghavan are still fighting. How about I just take a little nap until they finish fighting and let you know how it turns out? Ah, that was nice. They beat each other up some more, then Raghavan says that their five minutes are up, and calls a time out. What the fuck? I just recapped all that for nothing? Raghavan pulls out his gun, points it at Ram, and says he’s leaving. He says that it’s time for Ram to meet his father, and that the countdown has begun. 3…Ram notices a rope lying on the ground….2…Ram looks at the rope…1…Ram pulls the rope, which is attached by a pulley to the scaffolding that Raghavan is standing on. The scaffolding shifts, knocking Raghavan off-balance. Ram dives 30 feet toward Raghavan and pushes him another 10 feet through a window and onto the roof.
Part 17 Part 19

Main Hoon Na, Part 17

2005-03-31T19:38:00.000-08:00

The college exterior. Khan drags Ram’s limp body outside and leans it against a pillar. Khan says, “Major Ram?” Khan, Ram's dead, you silly! Ram starts breathing again. Oops, my bad. Khan removes Ram’s handcuffs, and Ram takes off the fashionable jean jacket to reveal a bullet-proof vest. Khan says that he is fighting for his country and tells Ram to fufill the promise that he made to his mother. He says that he may not meet Ram again, wishes him peace, and then walks off into the night. I wonder where he’s going. My guess is he's going to go check out some job listings on Monster.

Raghavan’s voice echoes in a hallway from the principal’s office. He says to someone that they will stay there until Project Milaap is cancelled. He’s talking to Khan, who has apparently decided that it isn’t worth quitting his job just yet. Raghavan tells Khan to shoot the kids. Now might be a good time for Khan to consider the exciting opportunities that a career in Agricultural Feed Supply has to offer.

Gymnasium. The hostages continue to sit on the floor and look distressed. A door opens, and Ram stands in the doorway, looking into the gymnasium and making no effort to conceal himself. The principal notices him, and shouts after him. Ram runs away before anyone else can see. A guard tells the principal that Major Ram is dead, and to shut up. The principal calls him a murderer and says in English, “You are a very bad man!” I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a Babu Bhatt reference, but if so, it seems rather poorly-timed. The guard tells another guard, Captain Roy, to check outside. He goes to the doorway, peeks outside without setting foot outside the door, and says there’s no one there. Captain Roy goes back to tell the first guard, Captain Mahesh, that no one is there, but when he pokes him, Captain Mahesh falls over. Because he’s dead! Captain Roy leans against a pillar, and someone on the other side twirls a length of cable and throws it around the pillar. It flies swooping around Captain Roy’s neck and back to Ram, who pulls both ends to choke and instantaneously kill him. Ram walks into the gymnasium, illuminated by a bolt of lightning. Everyone stands up in unison and rushes to greet him as sappy music plays, punctuated by a harp glissando. Lucky hangs back from the crowd, and Ram approaches him as the rest of the hostages get the fuck out of the gymnasium before some more terrorists arrive.

Except Percy, who picks up a gun off of one of the dead guards. Vivek approaches him, looking startled, and Percy pretends to shoot him. Good one, Percy. Lucky and Ram stare at each other meaningfully. Percy and Vivek argue. Disco music erupts as another guard runs in and tries to take the gun from Percy. Ram sees them from across the room and does the “Gori gori” 20-foot knee-slide toward them. Percy throws him the gun, and Ram slides under the guard’s legs, turns around, and shoots him. Raghavan hears the gunshot from the principal’s office and tries to contact the guards. First he calls Captain Roy, who is now Captain Rai according to the subtitles, then Mahesh. He rolls his eyes, then leaves the office with Khan.

The hostages flee the building. Ram tells everyone to leave, but remains behind, as Ms. Chandni, Sanju, and Lucky hesitate. Ram tells Lucky that he has to do something for his father, but for Lucky to go with the others. As they hesitate and look back at one another in slow motion, a dove flies into the courtyard. I think it’s the dove of Fullfilling Your Destiny. Ram motions for them to leave, gazing nobly at them as the dove flies around some more. Finally, Ms. Chandni, Sanju, and Lucky leave, as Ram removes an empty cartridge from his gun and walks away determinedly.
Part 16 Part 18

Main Hoon Na, Part 16

2005-03-31T19:09:00.000-08:00

Interrogation room, where a silhouetted Khan is bathed in light from a 10,000 watt bulb. Ram tells Khan that Pakistan is reciprocating India’s offer and wants peace as well. Khan looks at Ram in surprise. Peace? Who the hell wants that? Ram asks what Raghavan can gain by killing innocent children, and Khan says that Raghavan just wants what’s best for his country. Ram says that Raghavan can do nothing for his country, and that Raghavan mistakenly believes that his son was killed in Kashmir by Pakistanis, when in reality, he was killed by terrorists like Khan. Did anyone happen to mention that to Raghavan? And does this mean that there’s a Mrs. Raghavan? Khan says that Ram is lying, and Ram says that Raghavan is lying. If only Mrs. Raghavan were here to settle this. Ram tells Khan that tomorrow he will have to choose between serving his country and serving Raghavan. I guess choosing today wouldn't really make things any easier, logistically speaking.

At the army barracks, Ram marches Khan along a balcony, where naturally he runs into Mrs. Sharma. Ram tells her that she lost her home and her husband because of him, but he won’t let her lose her son. As Ram walks away, she turns to him with tears in her eyes, and tells him that she wants both her sons back. Say yes, Ram, say yes! Ram nods vigorously as she touches his cheek, then he walks away. She sighs tearfully as the rest of the army men follow Ram, thinking that they should probably go call their moms.

Cut to a helicopter, which Ram and several other men approach purposefully. One of them removes Khan’s handcuffs and places them on Ram. Don’t forget the lube! Ram holds up his cuffed hands and looks at Khan intensely. Khan nods and they enter the helicopter.

Raghavan gazes at the arriving helicopter through binoculars as choral music plays. Khan shoves Ram into the gymnasium and forces him to kneel in front of Raghavan. Ram is wearing a blue denim jacket with camouflage sleeves in a stylish example of Indian Army-issued casualwear. Ram asks Raghavan to let the hostages go and says that Pakistan has agreed to release the Indian prisoners. Raghavan whines, “Yeah, yeah, I heard,” sounding as though Ram has just told him for the third time that he can’t play video games until he finishes his homework. Raghavan thinks that this sort of naivete will destroy the country. Ram says that people like Raghavan are what's destroying the country, with their hatred and bloodlust, but that in time there will be peace and friendship with Pakistan. He forgets to mention the making out. Raghavan says no, there will be no friendship with Pakistan, only war, until Pakistan is destroyed. He talks about how his son was killed by Pakistanis, as Khan stands behind him, looking conflicted. Ram says that Raghavan is becoming the person he hates, and Khan becomes animated and tells Ram to shut up. As Ram continues his speech, talking about the innocent lives that Raghavan has taken away, Khan punches him, knocking him down. Ram keeps talking about how Project Milaap will continue, while Khan picks him up off the ground and punches him again. As Ram keeps giving his monologue and Khan keeps punching him, the hostages gasp and look concerned, wondering why Ram isn't making the causal connection between talking and getting punched. Ram says that he has won, that Project Milaap will continue. Khan pulls out his gun and presses it against Ram’s forehead. Raghavan yells at Khan not to shoot, and Khan hesistates for ten ultra-tense minutes. He lowers the gun, then shoots Ram in the arm and the chest. Ram flies backwards ten feet in slow motion as the hostages scream and rise to their feet. Lucky rushes toward Ram, who for a moment levitates four feet above the ground in a perfectly horizontal position with his arms clasped together in front of his chest. He looks a bit like a thirteen-year-old girl playing “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” at a slumber party, except that instead of being dropped, flailing, by giggling seventh-graders who move on to freezing each other’s underwear, he sinks slowly and stiffly to the floor with an odd clunk. Ignore that last sentence if you’ve never been to a thirteen-year-old girl’s slumber party. The camera racks focus from Lucky’s eyes, wide open in shock, to Ram’s closed eyes.
Part 15 Part 17

Main Hoon Na, Part 15

2005-03-29T00:28:00.000-08:00

The camera pans over the empty canteen, where leftover trash and glasses of Pepsi remain on the picnic benches. When Ram is gone, even the sparkling taste of Pepsi seems somehow flat. On the train, Ram’s cell phone rings. He says, “Yes, Sir? What?” then hops off the train. Cut to a grainy video of Sanju looking defiant as an off-camera voice instructs her to look at her father, who is watching the video with Ram in an office. The voice asks Gen. Bakshi, who I just now realized I’ve been calling Gen. Singh for this whole recap (shit!), if he is willing to sacrifice Sanjana, Lucky, Percy, and everyone else in the college for Project Milaap. Why are these terrorists always singling out Percy? Maybe something about him touches their Inner Nerd? The speaker says that Project Milaap is finished, and that he has a few additional demands, including Khan’s release, a helicopter, and his favorite student, Major Ram. That’s quite an elaborate sex fantasy that the kidnapper’s setting up for himself, right there. The camera turns around to reveal …Raghavan! In his terrorist hat and wifebeater! Ram looks at the TV screen and takes a moment to process the image. Cut to a black and white montage of Ram’s favorite wacky moments with Professor Raghavan. Raghavan’s first day! The prom! That time Raghavan revealed Ram’s secret identity to Lucky and Mrs. Sharma! Ram looks mildly annoyed at the situation.

The school gymnasium, where everyone from the college sits on the floor as lightning flashes through the window. The principal, wearing a Bart Simpson tie, comforts a sobbing Not Kal Penn. Other people comfort each other in various combinations as Raghavan gives orders to his men.

A newscaster on a television screen announces that Pakistan has agreed to reciprocate by returning Indian P.O.W.’s as well. At a press conference, a Pakistani official announces that Pakistan is not too cold to accept India’s warm hand, and that he only wishes that Pakistan had made the first move. Let the groping begin! Gen. Bakshi nee Singh, falsely assuming that Raghavan is rational, concludes that now Raghavan will have to release the hostages. Raghavan tells the General that Pakistan can do what it wants, but they will not release the enemy. He says that he hopes that Khan is near the helicopter and Ram is tied up, because he’s in a hurry to either kill some people or have some kinky sex. Raghavan orders the men back to their stations and tells the hostages that they are expecting guests. Ms. Chandni looks concerned. I guess she forgot to bring her zebra print robe and milky cotton balls.

Gen. Bakshi sighs and picks up the telephone. He tells whoever is on the other end that Project Milaap is being indefinitely postponed. The camera pans over to Ram, standing in the foreground and looking defiant. He tells the General that they can’t do this, but Bakshi tells him that right now, a mother is waiting for her son, and tomorrow, more will be waiting for their children. Cut to a nearby room, where Lucky’s mom waits. Way to turn metaphor into literal representation, there, guys! Ram says that this isn’t about ten Indians or ten Pakistanis, it’s about thousands of soldiers, it’s about all of us in all countries, and how we should just stop fighting and go to Pizza Hut for some peace, love, understanding and pizza. The General says that he understands, but that maybe they need to wait a bit longer for a rapprochement. Ram retorts that if they don’t accept Pakistan’s gesture now, they may be choosing fifty more years of hostility. The General asks him what he’s supposed to do about the hostages, and Ram tells him not to worry because he’ll take care of it in a vague and unspecified manner. Lucky’s mom stares at Ram from the other room, worried but hopeful.
Part 14 Part 16

Main Hoon Na, Part 14

2005-03-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

Ram returns home. He opens the gate, then pauses to look up at the sky and tell his father to keep on watching. Why? Is there going to be another dance sequence? Because those last two were awesome. He says that this time his mother will accept him, and so will Lucky. Then Ram lifts up his arms and does Lucky's Karate Kid crane move with the “woop woop” noises, because that always cracks his dead father up. No, seriously, that's what he does. Then he enters the house, where Lucky and his mom are sitting stock still on the couch in front of a gusty window. Dramatic drumbeat! Ram says hello, and Lucky rolls his eyes while his mother remains silent. Ram says that he has something to tell them. They seem less than enthused. “Ram?” a voice calls out behind him. It’s Raghavan, sitting right behind Ram in a really high-backed chair. He asks Ram if he’s Shehkar Sharma’s son. Busted! Raghavan tells Ram that he and Shekhar Sharma were college buddies, and asks him for Gen. Sharma's address or contact number, the Hindi term for which seems to be “number-wumber.” Lucky and his mom stare coldly at Ram, who is not forthcoming with the number-wumber. Raghavan notices the tense vibe and asks Ram if something is wrong. Raghavan says that it looks like he came at the wrong time, so he says good-bye and leaves. Always so polite, that Raghavan.

Mrs. Sharma and Lucky avoid eye contact with Ram, then finally turn to look at him. He starts to say that he was just about to tell them who he is, but Lucky tells him to shut up. Ram tells Mrs. Sharma that he hopes that she can understand why he acted the way he did. Lucky tries to interrupt, but his mother tells him to let Ram speak and asks him why he hid his identity from them. She asks if he expected them to accept him and forget the last 20 years that she spent like a widow, years that will never return. She asks if he thought that if he took her to the temple once, everything would be made right again. Ram says no. Good answer, Ram! She says that wounds twenty years deep don’t get filled in twenty days, and tells Ram to tell his father that she and Lucky don’t need him anymore; they’re used to living without him. She says that Gen. Sharma’s penance will be that he has to live apart from them and die without seeing their faces. Wow, it’s like she's psychic or something. She tells Ram to pack his things and leave. Ram gets up and goes to his bedroom. Lucky throws something at the sofa and yells “Shit! Goddamn it!” in a tour de force bit of acting.

Ram comes back with his bags and the urn and heads for the door. Mrs. Sharma asks him to wait a minute and then asks him why he did all of this. Oh yeah, she never actually let him answer the question. Once you get Mrs. Sharma going about her husband's infidelity, it’s kind of hard to shut her up. He tells her that he came there to fulfill his father’s last wish. Lucky and Mrs. Sharma are all, “His what wish now? Oh shit.” Ram tells them that they were right about his father’s penance. He says that his father loved them a lot, and wanted Lucky to help Ram scatter his ashes. Ram says that all he wanted was to unite his family, even though he knew that he wouldn’t be accepted, and that he’s sorry. He looks at them plaintively and says “Bye,” pauses for a moment so they have an opening to stop him, which they don't, then walks out the door. Lucky and his mom collapse into sobs in front of the fireplace. Later Lucky lies on his bed and cries as his mother looks at old photographs of Gen. Sharma in another room.

College quad. Everyone has gathered in a semicircle to bid Ram good-bye. Percy gives him a bouquet, Mini gives him some lipstick, and Mrs. Kakkad gives him the Bill Cosby sweater she’s been knitting. The principal goes to high five Ram, but salutes instead. A song plays about bonds being broken. Like when hydrocarbons are broken down during combustion. Thanks Ms. Chandni! Sanju starts crying and gives Ram a hug. Ms. Chandni watches him from a far away gate. Cut to the train station, where a train approaches as Ram and Ms. Chandni wait on a bench. Ram leaves as Ms. Chandni remains seated and looks sad. I hope she got his email address.
Part 13 Part 15

Main Hoon Na, Part 13

2005-03-28T20:02:00.000-08:00

Ms. Chandni, having apparently driven home without incident, given herself a perm, and changed into a sheer, flowy, zebra-print robe, emerges from a hallway. She carries a tray of cotton balls and a bowl of something that looks like milk over to Ram, who is sitting on the bed. Ms. Chandni dips a cotton ball in the milk, dabs Ram’s chest with it, and then blows on his chest. Mmmm, evaporated milk. She confirms that he is in the army and not a student, then dabs his neck and breathes on it. Ram seems pleased with the medical attention he is receiving. Ms. Chandni nuzzles his nose with her nose, tells him “Happy Teachers Day!” then gives him a kiss on the corner of his mouth in celebration of the momentous holiday. Ram says, “Thank you, sir. Uh, ma’m.” They giggle at the thought of some military-style discipline from Ms. Chandni.

Raghavan is in the principal’s office. Perhaps the principal is giving him detention for killing people indiscriminately. Ram knocks and the principal tells him to come in. As Ram takes a seat, Raghavan tells the principal that they should congratulate him on his successful mission. The principal asks if Ram has finally found Lakshman Prasad Sharma, and sinister music suddenly starts playing as Ram watches Raghavan blowing on his tea. OH MY GOD, RAGHAVAN’S GOING TO BURN HIS TONGUE! SAVE HIM, RAM! Uh, sorry, false alarm. Ram says he’s talking about Sanjana Bakshi, Gen. Bakshi’s daughter. Ram stands up and asks the principal if he can make a request, and the principal tells Ram, “Feel free to speak, jawan.” According to the subtitles, “jawan” is Hindi for “Maximus.” Ram tells him that he would like to stay at the college a bit longer, but wants it to be a secret. Raghavan continues to hang out and leaf through some papers. The principal looks pointedly at Raghavan, who says that he is happy to keep a secret. After Ram leaves, Raghavan asks the principal if Lakshman Sharma is Lucky, and the principal nods and explains that Ram is a distant relative, and is trying to track him down.

Raghavan, outside, is on a cell phone. He tells the person on the other end that he has 6 hours to find out what the relationship between Ram and Lakshman Prasad Sharma is. I hope he doesn’t find a video of Ram and Lucky singing “Main Hoon Na,” or he might incorrectly assume that Ram and Lucky are lovers.

Ms. Chandni sits with Ram on her porch and asks him when he’s going to reveal his identity to Mrs. Sharma. Ram says that he wants to, but he is nervous. Cut to Raghavan, who is back at the Terrorist Lair, where he has changed from his smart-looking kurta into an olive green wifebeater and hat, comfort and practicality being paramount when planning vigilante assassination attempts. He flips through the research that his intern has uncovered about Ram and Lucky, which includes a photo of post-haircut Lucky, a picture of Gen. Sharma, his wife, and infant son, and a photo of Gen. Sharma and Ram in uniform. Raghavan figures out that Ram and Lucky are step-brothers, then says, “Sweeet…” in an oddly Cartman-esque tone of voice.

Back to Ms. Chandni and Ram on the porch. Ms. Chandni asks Ram what will happen if Lucky and his Mom find out from someone else that Ram is his stepbrother, and they conclude that Ram has deliberately deceived them. And just how on earth could something like that happen? Ms. Chandni tells Ram that once they know who he is, they’ll love him even more. Because he’ll always remind them of those happy times when their husband and father was having sex with some other chick! Cut to Raghavan, who waves a gun around, tells his men to get ready for action, then sticks his gun down his pants. He says that tomorrow Ram will leave for a long exile.
Part 12 Part 14

Main Hoon Na, Part 12

2005-03-22T02:05:00.000-08:00

The band grooves to some slow jams as Ms. Chandni bids the flirting principal and Ms. Kakkad good night. Raghavan approaches and compliments Ms. Chandni on her dancing. She says, “Thank you. Good night,” and starts to walk away, kind of bitchily. I guess maybe she’s getting the crazy child murderer vibe off of him. Or she's just not that into him. Raghavan asks her how she’s getting home, and she says that she’s a big girl and will drive herself home. Raghavan says that someone should at least escort her to her car, and when Ms. Chandni tells him not to trouble himself, he says that he was talking about Ram. He calls Ram over and tells him to walk Ms. Chandni to her car. I hope this isn’t part of an evil plan of some sort. Ram is reluctant, but notices everyone else at the dance getting all couple-y and figures, what the hell. After they leave, Raghavan speaks into his transmitter, telling the men in the hijacked jeep that the target is approaching. Ooh, good, I love Target. When it opens, Raghavan can get himself a nice Michael Graves teakettle.

Ms. Chandni apologizes to Ram for having to escort her, while Ram smells her sari pallu. He says it’s his duty, (to escort her, not to smell her clothes. I assume.) and she asks him where he learned to dance so well. He should show her the dance montage. He starts to tell her that he feels out of place whenever he’s around her, but she says, “Oh, no, not again” and walks away from him. She gets in her car, which is parked in front of the hijacked jeep, then asks Ram if he will drive her home. This woman is all about the mixed signals. Suddenly a guy pops up in the front seat and drives her away, running over Ram in the process. Ram rolls over the top of the car and lands on his feet, then takes out his gun, but has to jump out of the way when the terrorist jeep pulls out to follow.

Ram takes a shortcut by tumbling down a hill that looks strikingly similar to the hill he cut through on the bicycle rickshaw. Watch out for the exploding gasoline containers and bamboo trucks! At the bottom of the hill, Ram reaches the road ahead of the fleeing cars and pulls out his gun. The cars are still approaching, so he re-adjusts his jacket. Then he aims the gun at the men in the jeep, shooting them both. Their car careens into a road sign, flips over, and explodes in front of Ms. Chandni’s car, which gradually slows to a stop in a rather non-dramatic fashion. The terrorist steps out, holding Ms. Chandni hostage. He tells Ram to put down his gun, or he’ll shoot Ms. Chandni. Ram points the gun, which has a helpful laser pointer attachment, at Ms. Chandni’s forehead, then slowly scans down her chest, then lingers lovingly for a moment on her stomach, then moves a bit lower to her hips, then -- I know Ms. Chandni’s hot, but seriously, Ram, take a cold shower or something. Finally, Ram shoots Ms. Chandni between the legs, and Ms. Chandni and the terrorist are both like, what the fuck? The terrorist pulls away, and Ram shoots him, as Ms. Chandni realizes that Ram’s shot didn’t hit her, only the luxurious folds of her sari. Ms. Chandni is speechless. Ram smiles coolly and says, “Sorry about the sari. Ma’am.” Nothing like a goofy pun to cap off an evening of killing people and ruining saris. “It’s no problem,” Ms. Chandni squeaks, as Ram leaves her to fend for herself among the dead or wounded terrorists.

Raghavan drives Lucky and Sanju home. He drops off Lucky at his house, and tells Sanju that she can get out and say good-bye to him if she wants. Lucky and Sanju kiss on the cheek, then Sanju gets back in the car. They run into Ram on the road; he jumps in the car, waving the gun around, and asks Raghavan to take him to the hostel. They pull into the hostel, where Gen. Singh is waiting for them with a bunch of guys with guns. Raghavan coughs uncomfortably because he just peed his pants a little bit. Sanju gets out of the car and hugs her father. She says she sorry, then he says, no, he’s sorry, then she says, no she’s sorry, and then I say I’m sorry that I just had to recap that last bit of dialogue.

Ram adjusts something on his gun and thanks Raghavan for dropping him off at the hostel. Raghavan notices his gun-adjusting and asks him if he’s in the army. Ram extends his hand and says, “Major Ram, sir.” Shouldn’t that be “Major Sharma?” Or is everyone in the Indian Army on a first name basis? Raghavan tells him that the country is in good hands, then drives away. Sanju gives her father a confused look, and he explains that he sent Ram for her protection. Ram winks and Sanju gasps in disbelief.
Part 11 Part 13

Main Hoon Na, Part 11

2005-03-20T14:01:00.000-08:00

Terrorist Lair. Raghavan tells his men that he’s going to the prom. I hope he has his outfit all picked out. Maybe he’ll ask out Ms. Chandni! OMG they would be such a cute couple! He tells them that this time, their plan will work, because he has a transmitter. A transmitter, people!

Back to college. Ram looks embarrassed, and he admits to everyone that he can’t go to the prom because he doesn’t know how to dance. Wait, so all that stuff before with the swans and the dancing and the ass-checking-out didn’t actually happen? They must have been totally wasted if they don't remember that. I guess they had one of those nights where they all had a little too much tequila, and suddenly they were dancing on top of lotus flowers and releasing doves and blowing up desks, and the next day they all woke up, like, “Dude, I’m never drinking again.”

Everyone is shocked that Ram can’t dance, but Lucky tells Ram to show them his moves. Dance montage. Ram does the mime-in-a-box thing, then stirs the pot. He pulls himself along an imaginary rope, then does a strange flamingo-like dance. Now he’s with Lucky, who busts out some hip-hop moves. Tango with Sanju. Dorkiness with Percy, who smacks him upside the head. Something bharatnatyam-ish with Not Kal Penn. Booty-shaking with Lucky. Writhing with Mini. Some Rockette-style kicks with the cheerleaders, who kick him on alternating ass cheeks. Ms. Chandni watches from a nearby window as Ram breakdances. She waves to him and he nearly faints. Salsa with the principal and Mrs. Kakkad, the knitting teacher.

Sanju calls her Dad as Ram gives her the thumbs up. Ram and Lucky adjust each other’s bow ties in their matching black tuxes, and Lucky’s mom takes a picture. Ram tells her “Hasta la vista, baby” and kisses her cheek, while Lucky meekly and very speedily kneels, touches her feet and runs away.

The prom. The men are all in black and the women are all in red. The principal thinks it’s Sports Day. How does he still have a job? Mrs. Kakkad reminds him that it’s “Pormo Night.” Sanju, put down the damn Lays potato chips. The principal tells them that, as usual, there will be no kissing allowed on the dance floor, and adds “especially boys and boys.” Hey, that’s not fair! Well, I guess it is, kind of. I don’t know. Ms. Chandni looks at Ram, who averts his eyes. Sanju suggests that Ram ask Ms. Chandni for a dance, but Ram is afraid. Sanju, Lucky, and Percy tell him that he can’t hang out with them unless he asks her to dance. Percy smacks Ram upside the head again, and they walk away. Raghavan enters and speaks on a transmitter, telling his men that the Major is distracted and they can go ahead. Two men in bowties shoot two guys in a jeep. Blood spatters on the windshield. Time for a song!

“Everybody get down! This party’s going to town!” four guys with moptops, matching pink tuxes, and Buddy Holly glasses sing. Ow! Lucky and Sanju dance and motion for an anxious-looking Ram to join them. Ram sees Ms. Chandni and swoons. He stands up, gets a running start, then slides 20 feet across the dance floor. Nice floor polishing job, custodial staff! Ms. Chandni gasps. Ram takes a deep breath, then blurts out the opening words to the song. “Gori gori gori gori, gori gori...” Everyone cheers! Ram, Lucky and some extras flap their arms around, then do the twist. Now it’s the girls’ turn. Ram and Lucky hop on one foot, do some kicks, then kneel in front of Ms. Chandni and Sanju, who dance around their heads and ruffle their hair as Lucky and Ram wiggle around to the beat and then faint. The principal sings with the band. Tootie Fruity So Rooty! The couples hold hands and dance around in circles. Raghavan wanders around by the drinks table and broods. Don’t be a wallflower, Raghavan, show us those hot dance moves you used to do at the terrorist parties! Everyone runs away from Ms. Kakkad, so she gets down with her bad self. The principal crawls after her. Dancers shimmy from side to side in the background.

Hey, it’s the drummer’s crotch! Lucky and Sanju do Jazz Hands. Sanju dances in a circle around Lucky as he shimmies with a dorky expression on his face. Lucky picks her up and we get an aerial shot of her cleavage as men lie in a circle on the floor and kick their legs together and apart. Ram dances with the women as Ms. Chandni dances with the men, then they slide across the room and dance together. The twins wear white, rather than black or red, because they chafe at the idea of rigidly-defined gender roles. The women dance around the men’s heads again. The band rocks out. Everyone stands in a circle as Ram kneels and does some kicks. Lucky does a backflip. Mini shimmies. Vivek pumps his fists like a dorky dad. Percy sticks his ass out. A woman spins her two braids in opposite directions. Lucky does a split. The principal collapses from exhaustion.

The band leader tells us to get down, because this party’s going to town again. But we just got back from town! Everyone jumps in the air. The principal falls on his ass. Balloons! Slo-mo dancing. Ram and Ms. Chandni fall into each others’ arms and Ram kisses her cheek. Lucky decides to quit smoking for Sanju, and flicks his cigarette away on the middle of the dance floor. Dude, you’re going to light someone’s sari on fire. Ms. Chandni looks intrigued by the kiss and pats Ram on the cheek. Ram wipes his cheek and then smells it. Mmmm, hand smell. Percy and Mini bump into each other, and immediately fall in like. End of slo-mo. Ram runs backwards, then in place, then twists, then comes back to where he started. More big crowd shots. The principal almost slips and falls, but Ms. Kakkad helps him. Ms. Chandni pops Ram’s balloon. Lucky and Sanju dance. Percy macks on Mini, but Vivek grabs him by the collar and punches him.
Part 10 Part 12

Main Hoon Na, Part 10

2005-03-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

Daytime. Lucky stands on a balcony and wistfully watches Percy and the nerdy guy from the library messing around with a scooter and wearing Thermoses around their necks. Ram asks Lucky what he’s looking at, and he says, “The luckiest guy in college.” It’s OK, Lucky, I’ll get you a Thermos. You can put some coffee in it! Sanju stops by the balcony, and Lucky looks flustered and walks away. Sanju says that Lucky must really miss his dad, so Ram gives a big speech about how at least she has the choice to talk to her father, and how, deep inside, he’s probably a scared little girl too, because we always fear those we love the most. It makes more sense when he says it.

Extreme close-up of Prof. Rasai on the phone, trying arrange a hook-up with some married woman and spitting all over the glass of the phone booth, which has pictures of Rani Mukherjee pasted all over it. Some terrorists knock on the door, then shove a gun in his mouth and take him away. Cut to Lucky, smoking in his room. Ram walks in and asks him what he’s getting his mom for her birthday. Lucky forgot again. Lucky bends over and tells Ram to kick him in the ass because he deserves it. Ram kicks him in the ass. Lucky asks Ram to help him think of something for his mother. How about a Thermos? Or maybe an urn with her husband’s ashes in it? Ram has an idea.

Morning, the next day. Lucky’s mom prepares to worship, but then sees something and drops her tray in surprise. It’s Lucky! With a haircut! He hands her his leftover hair with a ribbon tied around it and tells her that he loves her. My birthday’s coming up soon; I'm hoping that someone gives me some skanky hair tied up with a ribbon, too. She gives Lucky a hug and notices Ram standing in the doorway. She mouths “Thank you” to him, and he looks teary and wishes her a happy birthday.

Physics class. The principal enters, wearing a subdued Looney Tunes tie. He tells the class that he has good news and bad news. The bad news is that Prof. Rasai has resigned. The class cheers! No more spit! The principal claps, too, then remembers that he’s supposed to be sad. The good news is that Prof. Rasai has sent a replacement himself. It’s nice that the college goes through such a rigorous screening process when hiring new faculty. The class boos, but the principal tells them to welcome Prof. Raghav Datta. Badass metal music plays as Raghavan enters, disguised with some dorky glasses. Ram look suspicious, wondering what kind of physics professor has badass electric guitar entrance music. Richard Feynman, that’s who! And also Raghavan. Raghavan asks the students to call him by his first name, and tells them that he is sympathetic to their youthful perspective. Raghavan notices Ram and asks why he’s so old and still in college. St. Paul’s should really be more welcoming to mature students. Sanju starts to explain on behalf of Ram, but Raghavan tells her to shut her Lays-potato-chip-hole when her elders are speaking and insults her father. Everyone’s like, “Whoa, this dude’s totally bipolar.” Lucky stands up for Sanju, so Raghavan turns to him and asks him what his name is. Lucky is wearing a shirt that looks like the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. He says, “Lakshman Prasad Sharma,” and everyone is shocked. SHOCKED. Raghavan tells Lucky to sit down, but wants Ram to remain standing. He tells Ram that he seems intelligent and disciplined, and he wonders whether Ram has taught the other students anything. He tells the class that now they will learn everything, and have fun, too! It’ll be like Dead Poets Society, except with a terrorist instead of Robin Williams.

The only hallway in the school. Sanju complains to Lucky about the new professor, and Lucky tells her to chill. Sanju compliments Lucky on his new haircut. Lucky stammers for a moment, then asks Sanju to the prom, which banners indicate is coming soon. Percy looks up from the Nancy Drew book that he’s reading. Sanju tells Lucky that she’s already going with Percy, and Lucky tells her that that’s cool. Some dude with a streak of bleached hair that’s almost in a mohawk pattern but not quite asks Lucky if he wants to buy a prom ticket, but Lucky says he’s not going. Fake bleached mohawk guy is bummed. Percy looks thoughtful, and approaches Sanju. He tells her that he can’t go to the prom with her, because he’s getting bored with her. Plus, he doesn’t like her lipstick. All good reasons to dump her ass. Sanju looks pissed, and Percy walks away, sighing. Then he turns around and tells her sheepishly that maybe she should go with Lucky instead, and Sanju realizes that Percy is totally sensitive and awesome even though he wears a Thermos around his neck. “Better luck next time, Percy,” Percy says sadly, because Sanju isn’t attracted to him That Way.
Part 9 Part 11

Main Hoon Na, Part 9

2005-03-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

Sanju runs into Ms. Chandni in the hallway and tells her that “it worked.” It being her ass, which she just worked to within an inch of its life. Ms. Chandni tells her that she is looking very pretty, despite the giant piece of submarine scrap metal that she is wearing around her neck. Ms. Chandni suggests that there is someone else that Sanju should thank, and they glance over at Ram, who has a giant Pepsi sticker on his locker because he is a cool dude who loves the refreshing taste of Pepsi. Inside his locker he has some soft focus glamour shots of Lays potato chips and Pizza Hut that he cut out of Stardust magazine. Sanju tries to pimp Ram out, telling Ms. Chandni that Ram is actually older than her, but Ms. Chandni admonishes her that Ram is still her student. Meanwhile, Ram gets the lime green lanyard and novelty pen that he is wearing around his neck caught in his locker. Crazy lanyard hijinks ensue.

Next Sanju bumps into Lucky in the hall. Lucky says that he wants to tell her something, but he’s not sure how to say it. Sanju says that she knows he wants to tell her that she’s looking nice today, and that he is suddently attracted to her. Sanju’s kind of setting herself up to look like an ass if it turns out that all Lucky wanted to tell her was that she has a giant booger hanging out of her nose or something. Sanju tells Lucky that she made herself over for Lucky, but that now she feels like she’s cheating him, because tomorrow when she goes back to her ugly-ass clothes and Mini shows up in her skank-wear, then what? I thought the point of a makeover was that you bought stuff that looked better than your old stuff, and then continued to wear the better-looking stuff, but maybe I’m just imposing my consumption-oriented Americanized value system on this movie. Anyway, Percy walks by, and Sanju tells Lucky that the difference between Lucky and Percy is that Percy’s feelings aren’t for Sanju’s clothes. Other that that, Lucky and Percy are basically the same person. Lucky looks surprised and confused and goes home to watch some professional wrestling. He channel surfs, then turns off the TV. Then he turns it back on two seconds later, as his mother glances at him meaningfully, because mothers can make magic parathas and tell when their sons have found and lost True Love. Ram sits next to Lucky and rubs his thigh, then asks Lucky what’s wrong. Other than Ram’s ideas about personal space. Lucky doesn’t feel like talking, and flips past a program about the army on TV. Ram asks him to go back to that channel, so Lucky does, but looks irritated and leaves the room.

Lucky’s mother tells Ram that dinner is ready, then notices that he’s watching a show on the army. She asks Ram if he’s interested in the army, and he talks about how cool army guys are, with their guns and tanks and uniforms. Oh, and the whole giving up their lives for their country thing. Lucky’s mother looks thoughtful, and flashes back to Lucky’s dad looking happy and stylin’ in his Army uniform. Lucky shows up again, putting on his jean jacket, and tells his mom that he’s going out. He notices his mother watching the TV show and looking sentimental, and switches it off, asking her why she does this to herself. He tells Ram sorry, that he’s not interested in these sorts of shows, or in the army, with their tanks and uniforms and killing people and whatnot. He says that the army and its problems can go take a hike, and that all their display and talk about patriotic duty is bullshit. Ram gets offended and tells Lakshman to speak with some respect. He talks about the sacrifices his father made so they could sleep safely at night, but Lucky responds that his father was in the army and sacrificed his family, not for his country, but so he could raise his bastard son. Well, this is awkward. Lucky’s mother tries to interrupt, but Lucky tells Ram that she hasn’t slept peacefully for twenty years because of Lucky’s father, and that it doesn’t matter to his father, because army men don’t have feelings and aren’t human beings. In fact, Ram is actually a robot. To prove that he doesn’t care, Lucky yells for his father, asking if he can hear him. I bet he can; he’s over in Ram's room, hanging out in the urn. Lucky keeps talking to his dad, asking why he doesn’t scold him for going out late at night and smoking and having bad hair. He asks if his dad loves him, or hates him, or anything. Then Lucky tells him that he hates him, and that he hates his bastard son, except that “bastard” is bleeped out and replaced with “swine” in the subtitles. Lucky leaves; Ram looks uncomfortable and tries to comfort Lucky’s mom, who is crying. He asks if they can ever forgive him, but Lucky’s mom says that it’s too late.
Part 8 Part 10

Main Hoon Na, Part 8

2005-03-18T18:07:00.000-08:00

Ram sits at home, dreading the thought of doing his physics homework, when Lucky shows up with the physics assignment in hand. He doesn’t want Ram to tell anyone, except maybe Sanju. Ram asks if that’s because he likes Sanju, but Lucky says no, that when he’s in love, everyone in the college will hear violins. Song!

Someone sashays by, wearing a bright pink salwar kameez. The twins gawk while eating Lays brand potato chips. Lucky blinks in disbelief. Bikes crash. Percy spits out his Pepsi on Not Kal Penn. Wow, Anupam Kher must be looking really hot tonight. Hey, it’s Sanju! A crowd of men follows her, giving themselves whiplash. Violins!

Cut to a bright purple and green set. Ram sits on a staircase and sings with a bunch of extras. Sanju heaves her bosom. Lucky wears tight iridescent pants and impersonates a sprinkler while Sanju dances on top of a lotus flower in a pond. Ram and thirty other guys check out Sanju’s ass. Sanju’s ass goes “Dum tara, dum tara, Dhoooom-aaahh!” Ram gives Sanju’s ass the A-OK. Lucky goes fishing. He catches Sanju’s ass. He reels it in, but faints before he can capture it and fry up some ass pakoras. Sanju stands on the lotus flower again and makes pretty patterns with her hands for the aerial camera. Everyone wiggles their hips as swans float in the foreground. Percy checks out Sanju’s ass. Lucky tells Sanju that his heart is a canoe, and she is a bank with mystique. It’s a good thing she’s got some mystique, otherwise the canoe that is Lucky’s heart would have to find another bank with some mystique and a nice ass, and I bet that would be pretty hard. Ram says “Wicked!” and releases some doves. Everyone checks out Sanju’s ass again. Lucky wears even tighter pants than before and a dog collar. The look of confusion on his face suggests that he has lost control of his pelvic region, which gyrates involuntarily. Ram plays air harmonium.

Ram is bathed in pink light. It is the light of Ms. Chandni’s torso. Chemistry class. The desks explode. Then the chalkboard explodes. Ram should really be wearing his safety goggles. Suddenly everyone is wearing hats and drumming on their lab notebooks. Ram worships Ms. Chandni. Ms. Chandni sticks her boobs out. Back to the set. Confetti explosions. Wicked! Ram sings to Ms. Chandni that his heart is going insane, and she is its only balm. He rubs some balm on his nipple. Ms. Chandni sits on a moon that is lowered down on a wire. Ram waves his arms around and reels in a kite, then he stamps his foot as Ms. Chandni twirls her skirt. He hits himself in the head, then swivels his upper body in a circle, because dum tara, dum tara, dhoooom-aaah! They kiss on the cheek as the dum taras fade out.
Part 7 Part 9

Main Hoon Na, Part 7

2005-03-18T17:55:00.000-08:00

Ram asks Lucky if it’s ok that he stay at their house. Lucky tells Ram that his Mom always wanted a clean-cut son like Ram. Well, except for that time when she didn’t want Ram as a son. Lucky talks about his mother’s cooking, and then Ram asks about his dad. Ram, he’s your dad, too, silly! Remember – Army guy, grey hair, bloody gunshot wound to the chest? Lucky gets all serious and tells Ram that Ram is a friend, and all of Lucky’s friends know not to talk about his dad. Ever. Like, seriously. Dude. Lucky shows Ram the house, which currently has no electricity, and he realizes that he forgot about the broken fuse. He tells Ram to go ahead into the house while he fixes the fuse. Ram walks in and sees Kirron Kher offering puja. (Or something. I don’t know, I’m Buddhist.) Kirron Kher thinks that it’s Lucky because she has her eyes closed, and she offers Ram a blessing. The lights come on and she’s all, “Who’s this random dude accepting blessings and pretending to be Lucky?” Then Lucky walks in and introduces everyone, Ram kneels and touches Lucky’s mom’s feet, and they all stand around looking sappy.

Ram’s new room. He unpacks his things, including the urn containing his father’s ashes, which he quickly hides when Kirron Kher walks in. She shoves a paratha in his mouth because only a mother’s love can create magic parathas and moms and parathas are nice. Ram talks about what a nice guy his father was, and Kirron Kher says that fathers are important, that “Sometimes I feel that if Lucky’s father was with us…” trailing off before completing the thought, “then maybe Lucky wouldn’t have grown up to be such a big stoner doofus.” When Ram asks what happened to Lucky’s dad, Kirron Kher tells him that they had a fight and she left him. Ram asks if Lucky’s dad ever came to bring her back, and… flashback!

Gen. Sharma comes to visit, seven years after their fight. Way to be on top of things, there, Gen. Sharma. He asks Kirron Kher to come back, but she doesn’t want to live in the same house as “that boy,” and tells Gen. Sharma that he has to choose between her and Lucky on the one hand, and Ram on the other. Nine-year-old Lucky pokes his head out so he can eavesdrop at the moment of maximal emotional scarring. Gen. Sharma chooses Ram. Lucky chooses to stop showering and start hitting the bong.

Back to the present. Lucky calls, looking for his shoes. His mom complains about his skanky hair, skanky jeans, and the dog leash that he is apparently using as a belt that is unfortunately not visible. When she notices that his Union Jack t-shirt has been shredded into ribbons, she offers to stitch it back together, but Lucky explains that he just spent the morning shredding it, perhaps as a means of constructing a new paradigm of postcolonial identity. They bicker some more, until Ram offers to take Lucky’s mom to temple.

Physics class with the spit professor. Lucky doesn’t have his homework, so Ram slips him his, but then gets caught without his assignment. Good plan, Ram. His punishment is to kneel in the hallway with his hands on his ears. Ms. Chandni walks by and starts twirling around as doves fly above her and the wind blows her hair back. Then she goes back to being a normal person and asks Ram why he’s kneeling in the hallway. He tells her that Mr. Rasai (so that’s his name!) has punished him, and she laughs at him. As she walks away, some old song starts playing about a boy who is as nutty as a pie. Ms. Chandni turns around to gaze at him, and violinists appear, but then they disappear, and she suddenly looks irritated for some reason.

Sanju looks for Lucky, and finds out that he’s at the library. Lucky goes up to the library entrance. The library turns into a temple, and onlookers welcome him with music and blessings. Then it goes back to being the library again, and everyone stares at Lucky. A nerdy guy asks Lucky if he’s Sanju’s boyfriend, and he says “double battery, single power.” What the hell does that mean? Then Lucky talks some smack about how Sanju isn’t hot enough for him, just as Sanju is entering the library, wearing one of her Seattle grunge-by-way-of-the-J.C. Penney-junior’s-section outfits. She looks sad and runs to a concert hall to brood. Ram walks in, and Sanju confesses to him that her dad isn’t dead, but that he didn’t love her because she wasn’t a boy. She says that she tried to be like a son, and that now no one remembers that she’s a girl. Wait, Sanju’s a girl? I totally forgot for a second. Ram tells her that she’s fine the way she is, but says that they need to remind everyone how beautiful she is.

Ram stops by Ms. Chandni’s house, and asks her to make him look just like her. Then he realizes that he wasn’t supposed to say that out loud, and pretends that he’s talking about Sanju. Then Sanju appears, because apparently she was hiding behind Ram the whole time. Sanju goes with Ms. Chandni, who tells Ram she’ll see him later. Ram drools some more.
Part 6 Part 8

Main Hoon Na, Part 6

2005-03-16T22:18:00.000-08:00

Ram goes to see Sholay at the Lido with Sanju, Percy, and Not Kal Penn. They split up to buy chips, popcorn and tickets, despite Ram’s protests that they should all stick together, because there’s no reason to buy popcorn when delicious Lay’s brand potato chips are available. An ominous-looking black SUV pulls up nearby and the window rolls down, revealing Khan, who has been ordered to shoot Percy while Sanju is nearby and to record it for Gen. Singh, since Gen. Singh always enjoys a nice documentary. Ram sees a laser pointer dot floating around Percy’s head, and does some Matrix-style moves, tackling Percy and knocking the popcorn to the ground. Thank God it wasn’t the delicious Lays brand potato chips! Ram takes off after the black SUV in a bicycle rickshaw, dodging bullets, pipes, a truck full of bamboo, and an exploding gasoline container. Khan falls out of the SUV and is captured by Ram.

Back at the Terrorist Lair, Raghavan watches the video footage from the pool of standing water and discovers that Ram is protecting Sanjana. He realizes that he will have to take care of Sanju himself, because Ram is “the bloody best.” Meanwhile, Ram interrogates Khan and throws a coffee cup at his face, while Khan talks smack about the Army. Ram tells the guards to interrogate Khan and returns to the college.

Chemistry class. Ms. Chandni asks the students what the atomic weight of calcium is. What have these people been learning? More violins and wind machines. Ram starts singing again, and class ends. Ms. Chandni checks herself out in a reflective surface while Ram hides behind a plant. Song!

Chemistry class on the beach! Ms. Chandni flings her sari around with a crazed smile while Ram strokes his hair and sings about her fragrance. They swing around on a rope while looking sexed up. He tells her that her beauty makes him believe in things like fairies. The rest of the students all seem to be absent from class today. Ram wears a shirt with batwings on the shoulders. Ms. Chandni writhes in front of a waterfall with an orgasm face, then she and Ram writhe together underneath the waterfall in wet coordinated outfits. Now Ms. Chandni sings. I wonder if Ram makes her believe in fairies, too. Back to college, where Ram is following Ms. Chandni, carrying her sari pallu and some flowers while the rest of the college salsa dances around them. Ram admires Ms. Chandni’s reflection in the college bulletin board. Notices indicate that Percy can teach you karate in 7 days, and that lessons are being offered in “ski ballet dancing.” I rush off to get an application to St. Paul’s.

End of song. Lucky catches Ram admiring Ms. Chandni and warns him that it’s a bad idea to fall for a teacher. Lucky notices that the giant fluorescent sign he has posted, advertising “Paying Guest Wanted,” has fallen over, while Ram thinks to himself, “Main hoon na,” because that is the title.
Part 5 Part 7

Main Hoon Na, Part 5

2005-03-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

Ram and Lucky/Lakshman walk past a chapel, simultaneously sweeping their hair back because they inherited the same hair-sweeping genetic allele from their father. Lucky asks Ram to stop calling him Lakshman because it doesn’t go with the image. Lucky is apparently trying to cultivate the image of a friendly and loyal golden retriever. Suddenly Sanju runs up, angry at Lucky. She says that his mom must have been upset about his brush with death. They discuss moms, and Ram reveals that he doesn’t have one. The three ponder the idea that moms are nice. Sanju apologizes to Ram for her comment earlier, and she tells Ram that he is a special person, but doesn’t mean it in the “you ride the short bus” way. Now they are friends and signify this in the fashion of hip college students, with a supercool handshake.

Percy shows up to act nerdy, while terrorists take his picture and reflect on the innocence of childhood back at the Terrorist Lair. The Lair contains several plasma TVs but appears to have some sort of drainage problem, as the men stand around in about six inches of standing water. Raghavan tells his men to shoot Percy in front of Sanjana in order to send a message that he doesn’t like happy-go-lucky nerdy guys. Raghavan’s right hand man Khan looks hesistant, but Raghavan tells him that war requires sacrifices. Flashback!

Dusty, desert-type area with army men running around. Indian Army guy says that some Pakistani farmers have accidentally crossed the border. A less ratty-looking Raghavan, dressed in an army uniform, goes to see the farmers. He asks the men if they are Pakistani, then shoots them when they say yes. He pretends to spare a teenage boy, but then shoots him anyway, just in case you didn’t know for sure that he is completely evil.

Court martial. Gen. Sharma is interrogating Raghavan. The camera circles as Gen. Sharma and Raghavan do a dramatic “you can’t handle the truth” type confrontation. Sharma says that they are not in a state of war with Pakistan. Raghavan says that they’ve been in a state of war with Pakistan for 50 years. Hey, Khan’s there, too. Sharma says that Raghavan is clearly mentally ill. I would like to hear Skoda’s opinion. Raghavan is stripped of his medals, one of which pokes him in the temple when it is removed from his epaulet. Flashforward to the present with a shot of the scar on Raghavan’s temple. He tells the men that it’s taken him 10 years to build an army, during which period they appear to have had no time for plumbing and lighting repairs. Song!

Not Kal Penn and Percy are in an a cappella group. I wonder if it has some stupid-ass name, like “The Treblemakers” or the “Aca-Fellas” or “Penn Masala,” or something. Oh, just kidding, Penn Masala! Confetti is flying; it seems to be a “Thanks for Rapelling Down the Building and Rescuing Lucky from Certain Death” party for Ram. Ram bodysurfs. Vivek is dressed like a 5 year old from 1979. Ram sings that he’s here now for Lucky. He stands next to him invisibly and gazes longingly as Lucky sits on a bench and then leans against a building, rocking out to some tunes. Ram tells Lucky that if he wishes for endless love, he should ask for it aloud. Is Ram hitting on Lucky? This movie is totally pervy. There is a musical/sports/whistling interlude in the song, sponsored by Reebok. Ram and Lucky play soccer in coordinated Reebok outfits. Lucky is injured, so Ram gives him a ride on his back. In the background, everyone in the canteen stretches in time. Sanju’s here now, too, but Lucky is oblivious. Now they are in class, where everyone raises their hands in time. Sanju wears a hat that she stole from Blossom. Lucky dances on the roof, but it’s ok, because Ram is tethering him with a rope while perched precariously on the edge of the roof, studying with Sanju. Who doesn’t like to study while perched precariously on the edge of a roof? Ooh, makeover time! Ram tries out some new looks:

Gay biker
Futuristic pimp
8^th grade girl from 1992
breakdancing fashion victim
dorky

and settles on an otherwise nice looking sweater with a gigantic “S” grafitti’d on it.

This song is still going on. Lucky flirts with Mini. Percy checks out an oblivious Sanju. The canteen serves delicious Pizza Hut items and Lays potato chips. Sanju looks sad, so she goes to pray at the chapel. She waits outside until Lucky shows up to sing that he is here now, wearing a leather jacket with a giant Care Bear or something on it. Percy sings that he is here now, but Sanju is preoccupied.

End of song. God, these people are really into arm wrestling and Pepsi products. Ram loses the arm-wrestling match, so he has to serenade the next woman who walks by. I bet it’s going to be Anupam Kher in drag. No, it’s Sushmita Sen in a red sari with color-coordinated Trapper folder! Windswept foliage and thunderclaps. Percy informs everyone that she’s the new chemistry teacher. For some reason, Ram can’t stop himself from singing about chandni. Coincidentally, the teacher’s name is Ms. Chandni. She’s not impressed, but tells him to finish the song.

The principal is reading Harry Potter in his office. He tells Ram to apologize to Ms. Chandni for randomly bursting into song, so Ram goes to the Staff Room. Everyone within a 30 foot radius of Ms. Chandni appears to be caught in a freak windstorm. Satish Shah is angry that Ram has come into the staff room, and Ram dodges his slow motion spit like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix. Ram tries to apologize to Ms. Chandni, but violinists appear and he bursts into song again, so he runs away.
Part 4 Part 6

Main Hoon Na, Part 4

2005-03-16T21:40:00.000-08:00

New song as SRK follows Sanjana around. Nice 50’s sounding tune. Oh wait, it’s an actual song, and not some incidental music stolen from another movie. Now they’re hanging at Pizza Hut, which appears to serve something like the Domino’s Doublemelt pizza. I wonder if Domino’s stole the idea from Indian Pizza Hut? Sanju is tired of Ram following her around, and tells him that she doesn’t like being compelled into being a friend, she likes to choose her friends. She tells him that the people she chooses are special, but Ram is not. Somewhere my cousin goes, “I think you’re special, Ram,” then mouths the words “Call me” at the screen as she makes a wiggly phone gesture with her hand.

Ram checks out a building with “Girls’ Hostel” helpfully written on the gates in Ye Olde Scandinavian Font. He then goes home and emails Gen. Singh on his Apple G4 Powerbook model L382AA, in a product placement that is actually slightly more subtle than most of the ones that appear in this Pepsico Theatre production of Main Hoon Na with my Aquafina, sponsored in part by Pizza Hut/KFC/Taco Bell, LLC with additional funding from Frito-Lay.

Nighttime, Lucky arrives home, where his mother asks him to spread the word around college that they are looking for a boarder so they can earn some additional income. She asks him to fix a faulty fuse, but instead he goes off with his friends – Indian Joey Lawrence Frat Boy, is that you? – on the back of a motorcycle. Meanwhile, badass metal music and windswept foliage mark the arrival of Raghavan in Darjeeling.

Ram tells Sanju his cover story of how he was forced to leave college due to some problem involving his brother, but Sanju is distracted by Lucky and Mini flirting nearby. Sanju tells Ram irritably that she’s not interested in him or – pause to emphasize the dramatic irony- his brother. Ram asks Sanju about her family, and she tells him, “My dad is dead.” Then she adds a perky “OK?” Dramatic drumbeat!

Lucky flirts with Mini, holding either a cigar or a chocolate bar in his mouth and looking uncannily like Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog. He and Mini move in, about to pull a Lady and the Tramp-type move with the chocolate bar, when Sanju interrupts, along with Ram. Irritated, Lucky tells Ram he has 10 seconds to get out of his sight, and he closes his eyes. Bhangra-y music signals the arrival of the knitting lady with poor English. She pronounces the word “Cadbury” like “cadaver” and hilarity ensues.

Ram waits in line at the ID office, but is unable to get information on the mysterious Lakshman Sharma. Not Kal Penn is behind him, and helpfully tells him that he can hack the college computer. Meanwhile, Vivek the macho guy sees Mini and Lucky flirting in a classroom and challenges Lucky to a race to the roof of some big campus building. The winner gets Mini, because Mini’s a ho and who the hell cares what she wants. Sanju warns them not to race, because there is a risk that they will be “rusticated.” Then she asks Stephens the butler to fetch her the newspaper and retires to the library for some port. Not really, but I felt like I needed to make some kind of joke about the use of the word "rusticated." Let me know if you can think of a better one. As the race begins, Ram and Not Kal Penn are upstairs in said big campus building, and Ram has entered his query “Lakshman Sharma” into the college database. One item has been found, but they appear to be on the slowest dial-up connection in existence, as each pixel in the ID photo is loading one by one. The principal, wearing an awesome Superman tie, sees the crowd and wants to find out what all the ruckus is. The woman behind him has a bit of a cameltoe problem.

Lucky reaches the roof first, but slips and falls, managing to grab the edge of the roof and hang in midair. In the computer room, the image is still loading. The student appears to have long, wavy hair, but none of the pixels in the face area seem to have loaded yet. WHO IS IT? Oh, hey, it’s Lucky. In his ID photo he looks like even more of a stoner than usual and bears a passing resemblance to Max Cassela of Doogie Howser, M.D. Such is my dedication to this recap that I paused the DVD to capture the search result.

Name: Laxman Prasad Sharma
Age: 22
Sex: Male
Blood group: O+ve
Address: 248 Windemere Villa, Kumong(?),
Darjeeling – 900 012
West Bengal
Telephone no.: 0353 – 23205

Blood group? Meanwhile, Lucky is still hanging from the roof of the building. Hearing the screams of the crowd below, Ram looks outside to see what all the fuss is about. Cue Mission Impossible music and slo-mo action sequence. Ram runs along the roof while the principal, Percy, and the teacher make bad jokes. Ram yells at Vivek to throw him the rope, which, couldn’t Vivek have just thrown the rope to Lucky and made things a whole lot easier? Ram takes the rope and repels down the side of the building, then asks Lucky to let go, because main hoon na. Lucky lets go and falls, then Ram catches him with one hand and somehow manages to climb back up the rope with the other hand in a series of shots that appears to have been omitted from the movie. The crowd goes wild. Sanju stands in front of a wind machine, about to orgasm. Percy nerds it up.
Part 3 Part 5

Main Hoon Na, Part 3

2005-03-15T23:41:00.000-08:00

End of song. The dude with the skanky hair is named Lucky, and has been in college for about 10 years. There’s a party for Lucky in class, where he enters accompanied by trumpeters and some guy in a sweater vest who looks vaguely like a slightly older Kal Penn. Various people offer testimonials about how stupid and lovable Lucky is, including a Sikh dude who totally pings the gaydar and a bespectacled woman who looks like Saif Ali Khan. Has anyone seen Dhadkhan? When I watched that, I saw Dev’s mom and thought, “Dude, why is Saif Ali Khan playing an old lady? Oh, wait, that’s Sharmila Tagore.” That was probably the best part of Dhadkhan, which completely and utterly sucked.

Sorry, back to Main Hoon Na. A nerdy guy wearing a pimp hat seems to have a crush on Sanjana. Outside, the nerdy guy (Percy) proposes that he arm-wrestle Lucky to impress Sanju, because nothing can win the heart of a girl like arm-wrestling prowess. Macho dude Vivek stops by and interrupts, challenging Lucky to a match. The winner gets to kiss Mini, a student who likes to pout sexily and wear scanty clothing. The loser has to suffer an undetermined punishment. To prevent Lucky from winning, Sanju burns his arm with the cigarette she is holding for him. Kinky! Lucky’s punishment is that he has to push the next person who walks through the college gate. Will it be Anupam Kher?

No! It’s Shah Rukh Khan, who is dressed in nerdy yet oddly stylish clothing – white shirt, brown and gray sweater vest, and giant bell bottoms. Lucky pushes him over, then they have a macho staring contest. Lucky says that he’s ready to fight, then after another tense moment of staring, he does the Karate Kid crane move and makes some Three Stooges “Woop woop” noises. Ram tries to talk to Sanjana, which annoys Lucky, who begins to walk away, but Ram grabs his hand and doesn’t let go, thus proving himself the alpha male, or at least sexually confident enough to hold hands with another man in public.

Suddenly loud bhangra-y music begins to play as we cut to an older woman carrying some knitting who rushes up to Ram. Apparently the joke with this woman is that she can’t speak English very well. She tells Ram to meet her in the backside when her period is empty. Who knew Hindi movies could be so pervy?

Next Ram meets with the principal. Apparently the joke with him is that he is borderline retarded. They discuss the fact that Ram is undercover, while the principal refers to him by every rank except for major. For some reason, the music from Austin Powers starts playing, and as the principal bids Ram good bye, he says in English, “Over and out. Tango and cash. Each man for himself.” Such are the proud contributions of American culture to the global community. The principal leaves, then returns, remembering that it’s his office. Stupid people are funny.

SRK goes in search of Sanjana. A Hip/trip-hoppy song starts, in which someone with a voice like the “Ohhhhhh, yeahhhhh” guy in the Twix commercial sings “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?” Yeah, I have no idea. We see the twins, looking like they’ve been hopped up on No-Doz for a little too long. Scenes of Ram not fitting in with the college folk. Ram at the ID office. Behind him in line is Indian Joey Lawrence Frat Boy. How’s frat life going, Joey? Rocking the party scene? Kicking some kegs? Having lots of casual sex?

Classroom. Satish Shah is the teacher. The joke with him is that he spits a lot. So nuanced, these characterizations. Satish Shah yells at the students because they are a bunch of lazy undisciplined brats. He confronts SRK, at which point the incidental music inexplicably turns into the first two bars of “Naughty Girl.” That Ram, he’s a naughty girl, and he’s calling all his girlz. They’re gonna turn this party out. The teacher is about to kick Ram out of class when the principal stops by, wearing a lovely banana yellow soccerball tie, to bail him out and explain to the class that Ram has returned to the college to complete his education, which he cut short due to family responsibilities.
Part 2 Part 4

Main Hoon Na, Part 2

2005-03-15T23:33:00.000-08:00

The back of an ambulance. Gen. Sharma and SRK, who we learn is Maj. Ram Sharma, emote, as Gen. Sharma reveals that SRK is not is only son. GASP! Following some slo-mo gurney-rolling shots identical to the ones in Kal Ho Naa Ho, we cut to father and son in the hospital. Gen. Sharma tells Ram that he wants forgiveness from his wife and non-bastard son, who he hasn’t seen for 20 years, and he wants both of his sons to perform his last rites. Way to make this all about you, Gen. Sharma. Ram goes back home to reflect and talk with the servant, whose name appears to be Caca. Tough break, Caca. Flashback!

Nine year old Ram shows up at the Sharma household with a letter and a smart Tommy Hilfiger sweater vest. His mother can’t take care of him any more, so she has sent him to live with Gen. Sharma. Young Ram sits on a swing and eats a candy bar nonchalantly as Sharma and his wife Kirron Kher argue about whether or not to take in the bastard child. Kirron Kher says that either Ram goes or she goes. When Sharma says that he has no choice but to take the boy in, Kirron Kher leaves with the other son, whose earsplitting screaming completely upstages the kid playing Ram, who woodenly wipes imaginary tears from his bone-dry face.

Gen. Singh’s office. Singh wants Ram to go to Darjeeling, where his daughter Sanjana is studying at St. Paul’s College, because he has been receiving death threats from Raghavan, the masked terrorist. Singh says that his daughter is angry with him because he didn’t love her enough, due to the fact that she is not a boy and therefore not worthy of love. Ram is reluctant to go, since he wants to focus on finding his estranged relatives. Gen. Singh reveals that there is another student in Darjeeling that Ram may be interested in. Someone named Lakshman Sharma. I imagine that this is Lakshman Sharma, long-lost stepbrother of Major Ram Sharma, rather than, say, Lakshman Sharma, long-lost stepbrother of Jimmy Sharma, the used car dealer. Singh tells Ram that he must go undercover as a student so that he can protect her at all times. Ram thinks that he will be more convincing as a teacher, but Singh is firm that Ram should play a student. We zoom in on a picture of Sanjana at university. Song!

We follow Sanjana through an archway into a tunnel. A moment of darkness, then doors open to reveal sunlight and a group of bizarrely-dressed college students. Sanjana dances and sings about the wind, birds, and bumblebees’ affairs. Maybe there will be a subplot about a bumblebee who knocks up some bumblebee that’s not his wife, and then his bastard son tries to track down his stepbrother bumblebee, perhaps ascertaining his whereabouts using a bumblebee waggle dance. A girl dances by in a puke green poncho with some kind of beaded fringe. Cheerleaders. Twins in identical clothing and color-coordinated bucket hats. People scream random English words like “Wazzup!” and “Say what?” A guy who looks like Joey Lawrence wears a shirt with Greek letters that says “Only the strong survive” on the back. Are there Indian frats? I wonder what they’re like. They should totally do a Bollywood version of Animal House.

Pause in the dancing, which was shot in a single take. Cut to a moving motorcycle, with a mysterious leg. Is it Anupam Kher’s? Ram is on a train, drinking some refreshing Aquafina bottled water, wondering what his brother will be like. Ram talks so much that everyone in the train compartment falls asleep. He smiles and strokes his hair.

Cut to…another Khan stroking his hair! Zayed. He has long skanky hair, a headband, and jeans with about 8 pockets on the legs. He dances, then twirls his arms like Michael Stipe in the R.E.M. “Stand” video, runs around, then hops in a circle on one foot. It is oddly compelling. Sanjana throws imaginary stuff in the air. What is it? You decide.

Part 1 Part 3

Main Hoon Na, Part 1

2005-03-15T23:07:00.000-08:00

Damn you, EROS Entertainment guy, why won’t you just let me skip ahead to the menu? Yes, I’m aware of the wide variety of Bollywood hits, sports, and entertainment news available from EROS, but I would really just like to get to the menu. Finally, the menu. Play movie. What the hell? More EROS ads. Kyun! Ho gaya na. Is this movie any good? Vivek looks cute. Oh yay, it’s the certificate thingy. Credits.

The credits appear from beneath a foggy mist. Very artistic. We learn that the movie is produced “In ass with Venus Records and Tapes, PVT” Oh, wait, that’s “In association with Venus Records and Tapes, PVT” Stupid fog. Movie opens in a swanky TV studio. A TV personality with frizzy hair is bickering with his assistant about what questions he will ask The General. Oh, shit, The General’s here already. Badass army guys walk in under very crisp lighting, including Naseeruddin Shah, who we learn is Gen. Shekhar Sharma, in charge of security. Lights! Camera! Action!

The TV show is “People’s Voice,” with frizzy-haired host Rajit Saxena. Today’s question: “Project Milaap” -- historic milestone or dumbest idea ever? The first guest is Gen. Amar Singh Bakshi, who tells the audience that Project Milaap entails the release of 50 Pakistani prisoners who inadvertently crossed the border. They have been detained for many years, but have now been exonerated and found to be of no threat to Indian security, as indicated by the plaintive string music that swells in the background as we see video footage of the prisoners’ tattered homespun clothing and soulful eyes. Frizzy Hair tells the general that many people in India think this step is a bad idea because Pakistan will not reciprocate. The general responds that he is sure that Pakistan will reciprocate. Then India will have Pakistan over for dinner and Pakistan will tell India that he’s sorry for all the mean stuff he said about her behind her back, and then they will make out. Actually, he only says that first thing. At least according to the subtitles; I don’t know Hindi.

Suddenly one of the security officers on an upper balcony is shot, and falls crashing down into the studio audience. People run around screaming, and a slo-mo action sequence begins. There is lots of shooting. People fly through windows, seemingly impervious to gravity and other laws of physics.

Cut to a shadowy figure on a walkie talkie who says that he’s going in. Is it Anupam Kher? Gen. Bakshi is confronted at gunpoint by a masked man who apparently isn’t a big fan of Project Milaap. He tells the General that he knows he has a daughter, and waves around a manila envelope. Is it his biodata? Ha ha, biodata is funny. The masked man prepares to shoot the general, when suddenly, plagiarized Mission Impossible music crescendos and a pair of legs come crashing through a nearby skylight. Here comes Anupam! Oh, wait, it’s Shah Rukh Khan. More shooting and bad Matrix-y effects, until Gen. Sharma is shot. The masked man runs out of the studio, followed by SRK. They run past a prominently displayed Pepsi vending machine. Close up on the masked man, who has beautiful blue eyes. Ooh, paramilitary extremist, you’re so dreamy! Confrontation between SRK and masked man. Masked man has SRK at gunpoint, and is about to shoot. SRK makes a funny chipmunk face. Masked man is out of bullets. From another wing of the TV studio about five rooms away, SRK hears the dying moans of his father, and runs back to find him. As he pauses under a fallen electrical cable that is spewing forth sparks on top of his head, SRK looks at his dying father. Cut to scenes of a funeral in the rain. SRK looks pensive. Flashback!
Part 2

Kal Ho Naa Ho Songs

2005-03-15T23:04:00.000-08:00

1. Pretty Woman (3rd paragraph)

2. It's the Time to Disco (4th paragraph)

3. Kuch To Hua Hai (2nd paragraph)

4. Kal Ho Naa Ho (4th paragraph)

5. Maahi Ve (7th paragraph)

6. Kal Ho Naa Ho (Sad) (6th paragraph)

Main Hoon Na Songs

2005-03-15T23:03:00.000-08:00

1. Chale Jaise Hawaien (4th paragraph)

2. Main Hoon Na (5th paragraph)

3. Tumhe Jo Maine Dekha (4th paragraph)

4. Tumse Milke Dilka Jo Haal (2nd paragraph)

5. Gori Gori (6th paragraph)

6. Yeh Fizaein (4th paragraph)

Hello.

2005-03-15T22:25:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my blog. If I was less lazy and had any rudimentary knowledge of web design, this probably wouldn't be a blog at all, but more of an archive of snarky recaps, Television Without Pity-style. While I fear that my Hindi movie recaps will lack the sharp prose stylings and rapier wit of that worthy example, I hope that they will at least help you to feel as though you are experiencing the roiling emotions and epic passions of a Bollywood blockbuster, when you are in fact just trying to kill half an hour at work before you go to lunch. The first film that I decided to recap is Main Hoon Na, because it happened to be lying around. Since I had no idea when I started writing the recap how fucking long it would take to summarize the entire thing, I will be posting it in parts, because I haven't finished it yet. Anyway, I don't really know what the point of this first post is except to lower your expectations for what follows, but I hope you enjoy it, whoever you are.